TMNT does not belong to me

This is a crack fic. If you don't know what a crack fic is, I'd advise looking up Serendepity, she has many wonderful TMNT crack fics. I've never written crack before, so it's been an interesting learning experience. Nevertheless, a crack fic is not meant to be taken seriously and I apologize for any brains broken whilst reading this fic.

This fic's plot bunny was born after scrolling through the Ninja Turtles section and reading the summaries there, but not the fics themselves. You have DeeMG to blame for this story, she dared me to write it after talking about it on the Terrapin Tarts (which has the best TMNT role-play I have ever read, if you haven't read it, go read it NOW). She also then offered to beta it, so my thanks to DeeMG.

"You are not our father!"

The shrill, high-pitched scream of horror echoed through the lair, early one morning, waking three sleeping turtles. Raphael grunted briefly before he was deposited onto the floor by his hammock as he automatically reacted to the piercing cry.

"Jesus fucking Christ of Baghdad!" he fought valiantly against his bed sheets for several seconds after mistaking them for a Mikey-glomp attack, then abandoned the battle and shot out of his room to investigate whatever crisis Leo was having at this ungodly hour.

A Leo and Splinter freak out was always entertaining after all.

Meanwhile, Leo's manly scream of horror traveled far enough to reach an obscure corner of the lair, known as Planet Michelangelo. Mikey groaned as the sound reverberated through the room – his brothers had specifically chosen this one for him due to the astounding acoustics – and burrowed further underneath his bed sheets.

This was definitely Leo-the-Den-Nazi's retaliation for him deleting all Leo's music and replacing it with that Rebecca Black's song, 'Friday.'

Donatello, unfortunately, had been working late the previous night and had fallen asleep inside his lab, aka ground zero.

"Who's your daddy?" Don purred as he swaggered into the warm water.

"You are not our father!" Renet bellowed in a disturbingly male voice.

Donatello swore unhappily as Jhanna flinched away from Renet, disappearing entirely in the thick foam of soap bubbles. He set off to retrieve the warrior leader, then realized that Renet had sounded exactly like Leo.

He awoke with a small cry of distress, twitching for several moments as he tried to bleach his mind. When his brain finally started working, he quickly realized Renet had not undergone a laryngectomy. Leo's unsexy voice had sadly decided to impose itself on his dream involving himself, Renet, Jhanna and a jacuzzi.

Stupid Leo.

He sighed heavily, heart beat finally calming, switched his computer on and wandered out to the dojo – might as well see what was going on that had rudely interrupted his fantasies.

The moment he stepped through the door, Leo swung round with a deranged expression and for one moment, Don's heart stopped as several scenarios ran through his head.

Oh my god, he found my SasuNaru fanfics!

"We need to talk," Leo announced gravelly. "All of us."

Leo stood tensely against the dojo wall as his brothers settled in front of Master Splinter of the floor. "So," Mikey yawned as he slumped tiredly, "What's going on?"

Master Splinter gazed contemplatively at his children. "My sons," he said, "it has recently come to my attention that-"

"You are NOT our father," Leo interrupted. "You have no right to refer to us as your sons."

His three brothers goggled dumbly at him for a moment, then back to the elderly rat to see what Splinter would say in his defense. "It has come to my attention," their sensei repeated, "that I may not have been entirely truthful with you."

Three sets of eyes blinked. "He lied to us," Leo added with a manic edge to his voice. "All these years and he never thought to tell us the truth! But I figured it out, you see!"

"Leonardo," Splinter coughed as he interrupted, "I should explain this."

"NO!" Leo bellowed, "No, you don't! You are not our father; you don't get to tell us what to do!"

Splinter's ears flattened but he was sufficiently cowed into silence.

Leo began to pace nervously as he began to speak, "Do you remember, ever since we were young, Splinter told us he used his super advanced ninjitsu to make everyone think that he was really a rat? That one day, our chi abilities would be advanced enough for us to be ninja masters and we would see his true turtle form?"

Raph and Don both nodded as they acknowledged one of the simple truths of their existence. This was the LAW Splinter had laid down when they were children. "Is there a point to this?" Mikey asked. "I've known this since I was three."

"Don't you see?" Leo demanded. "The Ancient One showed me super advanced meditation techniques and today when we were meditating, I saw Master Splinter! I saw what he really looked like."

This perked their attention, the three turtles waited anxiously for Leo to get over his dramatic pausing and onwards with the story.

"Master Splinter is a rat!"

Silence.

Raphael blinked blankly and glanced back at his sensei. Master Splinter was a rat? That was crazy talk! It couldn't be!

"That's impossible," Donatello vehemently denied. "He can't be a rat. It makes no sense! According to science, he must be a turtle!"

"Are you serious?" Mikey demanded, eyes wide as he gazed at their master. "You mean, he really isn't our father? We were adopted?"

Master Splinter drooped sadly. "I'm sorry, my sons," he said softly, "I felt I could not burden you with the truth when you were young. It was always my intention when you were older to inform you of your true parentage."

"True parentage?" Leo repeated, a far-away look in his eye. "Who are our parents?"

"Your parents," the rat said slowly, "are turtles."

"Pet shop turtles."

The four mutants exchanged bewildered glances. Of all things ridiculous, pet shop turtles? Splinter swallowed softly as the demented look in Leonardo's eyes grew larger. "You lied to us!" Leo cried. "Our real parents are somewhere out there. You can't be our father!"

"But I am your father-"

"I see what you're up to! You won't turn us to the dark side! Run away, Splinter," the turtle ordered flatly. "Run away and never return!"

Splinter ordinarily would have ignored Leo's hysterics and smacked the turtle with his walking stick, but the insane gleam in the blue turtle's eyes and the way his hands kept twitching towards his katana warned the rat that this wasn't a good idea.

So, he sighed and gathered himself up to leave, certain that his sons would calm down within the next hour and life would resume its normal course. In the mean time, he would take a walk through the sewers to clear his mind, so he could explain himself fully when he returned.

The moment he stepped outside the lair, Leo closed the heavy titanium door and deleted Master Splinter from the friendlies list on the security system.

"Now," he announced, "We must find our parents."