Err... hi.

Yeah, so I've been gone for... *checks* A MONTH? NO WAY, THAT LONG?

And all I've got to show for it all is a single stupidly long chapter.

FUUUUCK.

And I'm basically half-dead right now, because my mother banned KPop.

Like seriously.

What the f!

Good thing I still have other fandoms to fall into... otherwise I'd be a vegetable. Like my sister, who lives on KPop alone.

Anyway, I got the idea for this chapter from malefan! Yay!

So enjoy, and try to rebuild your brain tissues in time for the next chapter (which might take a while).

CHAPTER 7 - Holay Crap

"Oi!" came Fang's voice one sunny Pulsian morning, accompanied by a hard slap to the back of Hope's head.

"Aah!" Hope yelled as he fell with a loud thud.

Lightning glanced in his direction with an eyebrow raised, then shrugged and continued with the list she had been making, which read:

PROS (we-can-do-it)

-We all have eidolons

-We all have crystals

-We all have long legs

-We have an afro guy

-We have something to fight for

-Hope has trap potential

CONS (we'll-all-die-anyway)

-We're fighting fal'Cies

-If we save Cocoon, we'll turn into hideous monsters doomed to eternity

-If we fulfill our Foci, we'll turn into living statues doomed to eternity

-We're doomed to eternity

-We'll die sooner or later

-The Shiva sisters are PMSing

-The enemies also have long legs

-Saving Serah would mean letting that blond hillbilly marry her

-Orphan's Cradle sounds really far away

Hope pushed himself off the ground and looked at Lightning. Thinking she didn't notice, he gave a relieved sigh and turned to Fang.

"What was that for?"

"Yah kent possibley noht bey aymyun tah thah by now."

"What? Why not?"

"Ah do thah ev'ryday!"

"Oh, okay..." Hope glanced at Lightning to check if she was out of earshot. "Um, Fang, what do we do today?"

"With wha?"

"The... you know... program."

"Ah! Thah getcha-badass-on program, emma royt?"

"Ssh!" Hope hissed urgently. "Yeah, that."

"Oh, well, uh..." Fang trailed off, tapping her chin thoughtfully. After a few minutes, she declared, "Aha! We ah gunna len Holay!"

"Um... what?"

"Holay!"

"K-Koolaid?"

"Whot the fock?"

"Sorry!"

"Holay."

"Ho... lay? Lay ho...?"

"Yah fockin' pehvet."

"What? Why― oh."

"Whotevah, it's Holay."

"Holay... like, whole A or...?"

"Holay!"

"Hooray...?"

"HO. LAY."

"... I'm sorry?"

"HOLAY!"

"Hole lay..."

"Gohd fockin' damnit."

"Can you just write it down?"

"Foyn. Gimme yo ahm."

"I have a pen―"

Fang took out something that greatly resembled a scalpel.

"HEY WHAT THE HECK?" Hope yelled, withdrawing his arm.

"Whot?"

"What were you gonna do?"

"Cottin tah yo ahm, oh coss!"

"WHY?"

"Whot didya want mey tah do? Yah sed tah royt it dahn!"

"WHY WERE YOU GOING TO CARVE IT INTO MY ARM?"

"Foyn, yah vahjoyna."

Fang stabbed a passing Goblin Chieftain in the eye and began carving into its flesh while its subordinates wheeled away, terrified.

Hope proceeded to throw up behind a rock. When he finished, he approached Fang, who had just finished craving four loopy symbols into the leathery carcass.

"I have a pen, you know," Hope said in a matter-of-factly tone. "You could've just written it down on a leaf or something."

"Yah, but wheh's thah fon in thah, royt?"

"Murderer."

"Faggeht."

"Can I see that?"

Fang held up the mutilated goblin.

"Oh..."

"So can wey staht?"

"Um, Fang?" the boy said, his gigantic green eyes filling with fear, "I can't read Pulsian."

OH DID YOU REALLY THINK IT WAS OVER? HAHA, FAT CHANCE. A MONTH OF ABSENCE. A MONTH.

A concussion and two eidolon summons later, Fang and Hope stood in a field with Bahamut and Alexander.

As Fang delivered a painfully detailed but incoherent speech on 'Holay', the two eidolons stood in the background, talking amongst themselves.

"Long time no see, Al," Bahamut greeted cheerfully.

"Bahamut," Alexander said in a constipated tone, "the only pseudonyms you may call me by are my honorifics, or Lex or Xander. Otherwise you will just have to address me by my full name."

"Ah, but your name and your nicknames are so damn long, man! Al only has one syllable!"

"So does Le―"

"Oh, shut up, man, just shut up. I let Fang call me Hammy, and I have to admit it actually makes me feel good about myself. What about you, what does your kid call you?"

"Alexander, which is good because it denotes due respect―"

"I thought he called you 'big guy'."

"Only when he's cheeky."

"It annoys you, doesn't it?"

"So damn much, it hurts."

Bahamut chuckled. "You sure lucked out, Al. I have Fang, Tony's got Vanille riding him every other week, Odin's got that pink chick, the Shivas have some man-meat to fight over, and you know Hilde's got a thing for black guys."

"My life sucks."

"Bet you wished you had a girl for a l'Cie counterpart, eh?"

"Why? I already have a girl," Alexander replied sorrowfully.

Bahamut broke out into fits of hysterical laughter and fell to the floor clutching his sides as Alexander looked on morosely.

"Oi, Hamey! Whotcha morons blabberin' 'bout ovah theh?"

"Oh, nothing dear, just... catching up," he choked out, wiping his tears.

"Well, keep it dahn!"

"I swear to the Maker, Bahamut, I will effing cut you," Alexander threatened silently.

"Sounds a little dark for Mr. Holy."

"Shut up!"

Meanwhile, Fang and Hope were making excellent progress.

"Okay, so..." Hope said, struggling to comprehend, "... what you're going to teach me is called Holy?"

Fang facepalmed.

"A'igh', Sandy, get ovah heh," she called to Alexander.

Alexander's face paled, his self-esteem hitting rock-bottom. "S-Sandy?"

Bahamut fell to the floor again.

"Taych 'Ope ovah heh thah baysics of Holay."

"...okay," the great Judgment whimpered.

As Alexander explained and demonstrated Holy spells to Hope, who sat on his shoulder, Fang threw bottles of Ethersol in their direction to keep the summon in their dimension.

Bahamut had long since left, his appearance completely insignificant and unnecessary.

Fang reached into her carrier belt and felt around for another bottle, but came up short.

"Um... oi, 'Ope, ah think yah bettah geroff 'im soon!"

"Huh? What did you say, Fang?" Hope yelled from atop Judgment.

"Geroff 'im!"

"What? I can't hear y―"

That was when Alexander's Gestalt expired, and he blasted off into space with a very unlucky Hope in tow.

"Ah crap," Fang said.

"Was that Hope?" Lightning asked, popping out of nowhere.

"Oi, Loynin', weh 'ave yah been?"

"Over there. I finished my list."

"Lemme see. Why do thah cons tayk up thah rest of thah payges?"

"Because we'll die anyway," Lightning answered nonchalantly.

"Whotevah. How dawey get 'Ope back?"

"We could always summon Alexander again."

"But 'Ope's got thah crystal."

Lightning took the list and crossed off the last 'pro'.

OKAY, SO UMM...

Oh there's food.

Gotta hurry with this note shit.

OH RIGHT, THE REPLIES.

A MILLIOGAJILLIONALISMIC THANKS TO:

Liz99 (When I saw him, I thought he had fangirling potential.)

OerbaFarron (HURR THANKS FOR THE RELENTLESS STREAM OF REVIEWS. I agree with everything you said. XD You kind of sound like one of my friends.)

HBHound (Urm yeaaaah... it's my brother's PS3, so I'm not sure he'll be very happy if... yeah. Lightning just did, I guess...? XD)

malefan (O RLY? Prolly cuz Vanille's in thar too. XD)

Jebus Creiss (Holay shit, all of that made sense to me.)

chibifangirl08 (YES. YES I CHANGED FANG'S LINES, YOU USELESS BETA. YOU'RE NOT EVEN A BETA, YOU'RE MORE LIKE A... FIRST COME FIRST SERVE READER. I EDIT MY OWN SHIT, WHY I CALLED YOU A BETA I WILL NEVER KNOW. AND YOU'RE TOTALLY MEANT TO BE. Goddamnit I miss you.)

BerzerkerKane71 (Hm... yeah. You should really stop ripping out your own organs, otherwise Undertaker's gonna come and violate them. But thanks!)

SoupieLuv (I tried to draw Hope in his badass outfit... epic fail. I cannot visualize what I wrote. At all.)

That There's Your Baloney (Yeah I screwed up yer name on purpose. XD Sorry! YOUR COMMENTARY IS SO PFFTING AWESOME.)

Oerba Yun Fang (OH DEAH, THAH SEEPEY! Pfft. XD OH RIGHT THE CRAZY-ASS SERAH. I FORGOT. WILL WORK ON THAT.)

Sandanio (I tried reading her lines in Irish... it worked. Damn. Well, it's all about your imagination, anyway. If you wanna read it in Irish, THEN BY ALL MEANS, READ IT IN IRISH. BE FREE. *sings 'Free' from Barbie in The Princess & The Pauper*)

Don't expect many updates soon.

Goddamn junior year, turning me into a vegetable.

YOU KNOW THE DRILL, READ, REVIEW, FAVORITE, DRAW RANDOM PICTURES OF SEBAS-CHAN, READ SEBACIEL SHOUNEN-AI, LISTEN TO SEBAS BEFORE SLEEPING.

Ahahahaha... the second half was my drill. Whoopsh. XD

DERP SEBAS FTW!

Edit: I looked through the entire thing again, and wow did I cuss excessively. I must've been in a really bad mood that day. I mean, cussing is nice and all, but it just looks a tad unpleasant when it's blowing up in your face every two sentences. And I can't really have an M-rated story just because I blew f-bombs on the ANs. Plus, I gave so much effort into making sure the story itself was devoid of any uncensored cusswords! So I'll be removing some of the filth from my ANs, and make my stories a happier, cleaner place.

But I won't be removing all of the cusswords.

I'm not that saintly.