*SPOILERS FOR 9.08*

Disclaimer: Title and epigraph from Superchick's song 'Stand in the Rain', and Spooks obviously belongs to the BBC and Kudos.

Characters: Ruth, Dimitri, Ruth/Harry

Summary: What did Ruth do when she thought Harry was dead? How did she react when she found out he was alive? Set at the end of S9E8. Angst ahoy.

Many thanks to Rambling Scribe for her help.

Stand in the Rain

The shadows are long

And she fears if she cries that first tear,

The tears will not stop raining down

Chapter 1

"In that moment, when you made that deal... It was unfair of you to love me."

She lasts longer than they had thought she would. From the moment the words "It's my turn" are uttered, her heartbeat stills and her breathing is unsteady. They can tell she is struggling to continue, but it is long past the thirty minutes and well after the others have hurried back to the Grid that her emotions finally overwhelm her and the tears flow. The bomb was a fake, a hoax. A trap for him – for Harry. And if that was true, then...

Hand over her mouth, and her heart simultaneously in the back of her throat and the pit of her stomach, she launches herself from her chair and across the Grid. She punches in the code for the door with trembling fingers and hurtles to the ladies'. She can feel the bile rising in her throat, and she retches over the sink, tears streaming, before collapsing down to the floor. She hugs her knees to her chest, like a child, shaking as she grips her arms with bruising strength. She can't get the words out of her head – over and over again, like a broken record, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead.

Each breath she takes is laboured; for every gasp she breathes she cries herself out three more, until she struggles with the effort to keep sobbing when there is nothing left to give. She knows she needs to get back, but please no, not yet, and there's something about 'time to grieve' that keeps her crying even harder. She tears at her hair, forces her eyes shut with her fists; she has to get rid of the image, the sight of him lying there, kissing her, dead alive anything, anything to stop her from seeing that, from feeling this.

The feeling of 'fine' has never been so distant. She huddles down further against the wall, shivering, fist at her mouth. The door opens, but she's oblivious. Someone sits down beside her, wraps their arms around her, but she doesn't even have the energy to squirm away from this prison. She collapses, limp, against the intruder, willing herself into some abyss where she will feel no emotion, no pain.

His own eyes brimming, Dimitri draws the exhausted Ruth towards him, wrapping his jacket around her frozen body and holding her close. How long they remain like that he has no idea, nor does he care. Every now and then she shudders against him as another image surfaces and the sobs rise up again. With every new wave of her sorrow, fresh tears spring up in his own eyes, and he lets them fall down his face and onto her hair as he rocks her gently in his arms.

Her tears seep through his shirt, and he keeps up the soothing circular motion of his hands on her back. He feels so powerless, that this is all he can do to help, but what on earth could even begin to lessen her grief? He's still not even sure what it is – was, oh God, that only makes it worse – between Ruth and Harry but he's seen – he saw – the looks every day between then, held for that fraction too long, heard that something missing from the words they exchange, unsaid but unneeded, and saw the private smiles and public tears.

And now? He casts his eye over the figure crumpled up into his arms, and his heart breaks at the sight of her like this.

He's lost one friend and colleague already today. He just prays he's not about to lose another.

You'd never believe that I was writing a fluffy fic when this idea came to me, would you? Next part should be up shortly, homeworkload depending. Comments would be lovely if you have the time, as this is one of the hardest things I think I've ever written.