Disclaimer: Legolas, Haldir, and Estel all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. The song "Roxanne" belongs to The Police the last time that I checked.

Author's Note: Yes, the bad parodies strike yet again! This was written in response to the alarming number of fics out there that make Legolas out to be Aragorn's whore. (Not that this is condescending in any way – one of my favorite stories out there is about Legolas almost selling himself to Aragorn.) It's what I think Haldir has to say about all of this.

(Haldir, after having caught Legolas sneaking away from Aragorn's room for the hundreth time, approaches his coup de foudre and tries to express how he feels. He cannot seem to find the words, so, in the nature of all Elves, he breaks out into song.)

Legolas!

You don't have to send off an arrow's flight.

Those days are over

You don't have to sell your body to the night.

Legolas!

You don't have to wear that shirt tonight,

Go to Estel for money,

You don't care if it's wrong or if it's right.

Legolas –

You don't have to send off an arrow's flight.

Legolas –

You don't have to send off an arrow's flight.

[Legolas] Send off an arrow's flight,

[Legolas] Send off an arrow's flight,

[Legolas] Send off an arrow's flight,

[Legolas] Send off an arrow's flight,

[Legolas] Send off an arrow's flight.

I loved you since I knew you

I wouldn't talk down to you

I have to tell you just how I feel

I won't share you with another Man!

I know my mind is made up.

Don't try to fake me up.

You're a Prince and Elf besides -

Don't throw yourself away.

Legolas!

You don't have to send off an arrow's flight.

Legolas!

You don't have to send off an arrow's flight.

[Legolas] You don't have to send off an arrow's flight,

[Legolas] Send off an arrow's flight,

[Legolas] Send off an arrow's flight,

[Legolas] Set off an arrow's flight,

[Legolas] Send off an arrow's flight!