Alright, this story is over for real this time. Again it deals with the aftereffects of rape, so avoid it if that gets to you.

Radioactive

She doesn't talk much, never really has. It's that sincerity – the genuine, open-hearted tone – when she does that I find myself being suckered into. She's never lied to me. I have nothing but reason to believe every word she says. I want to believe her. To be loved…safe… It used to come so naturally, at least in regards to her… Now it's a thought I can hardly consider. How will I ever be safe again? Her answer is gnawing at my contaminated insides. I'm trying to ignore it, but I can't help the words in my head. There's only one place I'll ever be safe. It's in her blue eyes and…in her arms.

Claire felt like she'd suddenly swallowed razor blades when she returned the kiss. Any second now her disgrace would pour out of her mouth in a gush of warm blood. She pulled away from Alice's lips and clamped a hand over her own to keep the words playing in her mind at bay.

"Open your eyes, Claire."

The redhead hadn't even realized they were closed. She let them open at Alice's gentle request and met the blonde's gaze. Her hand was still over her mouth. It was the only place where skin was on skin; Alice having pulled her own hand back at the abrupt end of the kiss.

Still, it didn't feel like enough. Claire's skin flushed and the hair on her arms rose. She didn't understand what was going on and brought up her other hand to the back of the first.

"Breathe, Claire."

Again, Alice had brought light to a reality Claire was missing. Her lungs were tight with lack of oxygen, but at the blonde's words she took in the slightest amount of air through her nose. The rush of breath made her lightheaded and forced her to close her eyes once more. But she kept breathing. Every inhale built up the panic, every exhale let it out.

She calmed slowly. When she was stable, she dropped her hands and then found herself staring at Alice. The look on her face Claire couldn't read. She almost never could tell how the blonde was feeling.

Claire glanced around to get the grip back on her surroundings. She was sitting in the sand; fire, light, and hope at her front; desert night, darkness, and despair at her back. And Alice exactly where she belonged – right by her side. Claire felt like a breathing contradiction. She wanted to be in Alice's arms, she just didn't want to be touched to do it.

The redhead didn't avoid every touch. She smirked when Carlos patted her on the back as he walked past her to set up the perimeter at night, she returned K-mart's 'no reason' hugs, she'd even muss the hair of the youngest members in her convoy when they got a little too rowdy. The difference was that she did all of those things blankly. She couldn't do that with Alice. The blonde stripped her bare.

Claire was truly exhausted now. "Alice…I'm tired."

The older woman smiled lightly in reaction and stood. Claire mirrored the movement and they walked to the yellow SUV together. Like every night since that painful one three weeks ago, Claire was forced to pause and physically stop herself from heading towards the back of the Hummer.

She wondered if she would always feel this way, if it was normal to want to avoid intimacy with the woman she loved. She really did love Alice, but she wasn't sure how to show it anymore. Not when every thought of kissing her took Claire back to a place she felt she'd never escape.

She hoped the blonde understood because her jaw clamped shut every time she tried to talk about it. Not that she tried all that much. Alice deserved so much more; she deserved everything she gave twice over.

The redhead settled in the vehicle to sleep, Alice in the seat across from her, but oblivion was far from her mind. She couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. Claire had wanted it so badly; she'd even asked for it. For a mere moment she felt safe because of Alice. Then the affection was commandeered.

Days came and went, and Claire spent those empty. In the passing nights she was haunted, but not by her demons. It was from Alice herself. She couldn't help seeing striking blue eyes, hearing whispered and loving words, feeling the phantom of Alice's kiss. More and more the redhead found herself wanting to repeat the offence and hungering for more than that still.

Claire knew how dangerous their world was. The biohazard had knocked the earth's balance from a slight variant of good and evil to a scale weighted heavily on one side. They were on the losing end. Humanity and compassion were torn from hopeless flesh by the undead cannibals and swallowed whole. What an apocalypse her life had turned out to be.

Still, it was nothing compared to the extinction of Alice's hope. Claire had given the blonde's heart the afterlife it craved, so why shouldn't she let Alice do the same for her?

Claire couldn't let herself be consumed along with the rest of the world. Not while she had Alice to fall back on; not while Alice gave her something real to live for.

The redhead initiated a second kiss a week after the first. She'd given Alice no warning, but the blonde didn't let her down. It was in the dark, and when they were alone; short and devoid of the ache for it to continue, but it wasn't followed by panic.

Another week after that Claire kept finding excuses to kiss Alice. The blonde would smile for no apparent reason, so Claire couldn't stop herself from lightly brushing their lips together. Alice was being so patient with her, and Claire loved the woman more for it. She even worked up to holding Alice's hand before they fell asleep in their individual seats, and while sometimes her own hand trembled as she did it she could never bring herself to let go.

Kissing Alice was beginning to get to Claire. She wantedthe blonde, wanted to give Alice pleasure like she used to. She was afraid Alice would want to return it, but the redhead couldn't help her desire; her need to show Alice how much she was cared about.

She didn't hold Alice responsible for the past in the slightest. How could she? She knew she was lucky Alice had come to save her at all. Though Alice hid it well, Claire knew the blonde felt guilty. It was in Alice's nature to blame herself for the things she thought she should've had control over. The reality of it was that Alice was a victim of horrible circumstance.

Claire didn't struggle with the aftereffects of the violence so much. Theirs was a world full of thousand yard stares, itchy trigger fingers, and a kill or be killed mentality. Still, the powerlessness of the act against her was engrained into her flesh with a scar. Claire compulsively touched the spot when she was feeling nervous. Her decision to sleep with Alice – to see where it would lead – did just that. She didn't know what would happen, who she would become when her passion came to the forefront. Yet, the fact that Alice would be there experiencing it with her was a comfort.

Mikey was a little late in setting up the computers to monitor the convoy's perimeter, so after checking in with him Claire was unsure as to where she'd find Alice. She needn't have worried. The taller woman was already waiting for her a few yards away when she stepped down from the news van.

"Hey," Alice greeted softly as she walked up to the redhead.

Claire gave her a sweet smile. "Hey back."

The pair ambled side by side, and on their way to the Hummer Claire nudged Alice playfully with her shoulder before whispering to her companion.

"I saw you today."

Alice perked an eyebrow. "Saw me?"

Claire nodded and smiled again at the memory.

The youngest member of her convoy, a little boy – only seven, had tears in his eyes and he wiped at them clumsily as the desert sun continued to bleach his unkempt hair. She'd just been about to comfort him, bringing forth the hope that the leader knew he would need to see in her eyes. But Alice had suddenly beaten her to it. With a content soul, Claire watched out of sight as Alice approached the boy. The blonde kneeled in sand and took him in her arms. When the compassionate action was done, Claire saw the child smile and speak to Alice. Whatever his words were, the woman appeared taken aback but humbled.

"Giving Rex that hug," Claire answered.

Alice grinned sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment.

The redhead spoke up again, curious as they continued forward. "What did he say to you?"

Alice dropped her hand and her grin as she answered, "He said I was the strongest person on Earth."

"Hm…" Claire tilted her head and brought her eyebrows together to show serious doubt, but the smirk on her face gave her away. She quit her teasing and met Alice's eyes. "It's true."

"No, it's not," Alice argued earnestly. "You will always be a million times stronger than the T-virus will ever make me."

There was that sincerity again so unique to Alice. It made Claire's jaw lock and her eyes burn with unshed tears. Without hesitation, she took Alice's hand in her own and led the woman the final few steps to the back of the Hummer. Like so many times before, Claire tugged on the latch and opened the gate. The back seats had been removed long ago so there was more space for storing supplies. Those provisions, however, could be pushed aside, an old sleeping bag put down and Claire could pull Alice inside. She did all of those things with relative familiarity, yet apprehensive silence.

If Alice had any expectations or thoughts on the situation, she didn't say them. But Claire knew the blonde was always thinking; she also knew the woman assumed nothing.

With Alice inside the vehicle, Claire intertwined their fingers. There was more than enough room for them to both sit comfortably, still their knees touched as they sat cross-legged in front of one another. Claire reached for Alice's other hand and smiled when the blonde met her halfway. Like their newly joined hands Alice matched Claire's smile. The happiness was more than displayed by her lips, it was shining though in her blue eyes as well.

Claire was so lost in them that she didn't register that she was moving in to kiss Alice. It was only when their noses brushed together that Claire realized her intent, closed her eyes, and acted. Even from endless days in the hot sun Alice's lips were soft. Even though Alice returned the kiss Claire could feel her holding back. The redhead knew she wasn't showing restraint out of lack of love but because of it.

She was so moved by Alice's self-control and desire not to push her that she deepened the kiss. Claire squeezed the blonde's hands before letting go of them so she could place her own on the woman's face. One of Claire's hands found Alice's cheek as the other wrapped around the woman's head to tangle in her messy hair. She felt Alice's hands on her knees, and though her nerves jumped a little at the touch she fought the light anxiety. Her heart was beginning to pound as she continued to touch her lips to Alice's with pressure in rising need.

Claire pushed Alice down slowly; their mouths never separate for longer than a ragged intake of breath. She lay on top of the blonde who was in turn on top of the worn sleeping bag. The interior of the Hummer was dark, but Claire wouldn't have known it from her shut eyelids anyway. All she knew was the feeling of Alice's lithe body beneath her.

It wasn't long before she knew Alice's skin too. Claire stripped the woman of every piece of fabric but remained fully clothed herself except for the belt she'd taken off so that it wouldn't dig into the blonde. She touched Alice, made the woman writhe with pleasure as Alice balled the material under her in tight fists.

The growing feeling in Claire's gut she recognized as pure arousal, but she kept it at bay to focus on Alice and…because it scared her.

Claire was in complete control of everything that happened for a time. She kissed Alice as hard as she wanted, she teased the blonde for as long she could stand to do it, but when her fingers made their way to where Alice needed her most…

The redhead suddenly had to remind herself that she wasn't taking anything that wasn't being freely given. Almost as if sensing her need, Alice opened her eyes and whispered to the younger woman.

"Please, Claire. I need you."

Claire could see Alice wasn't asking for what she wanted, but telling her so much more. With just those few words and the steady trust in cobalt eyes, Alice reassured Claire that she knew it was love the redhead was touching her with. Alice knew every one of Claire's actions was done for that reason, and her whisper was there to let Claire know it too.

She felt her heart was beating out of her chest in nervous fear that she was somehow crossing a line, but Claire touched Alice; the pads of her fingers moving against and inside stimulated flesh as she filled Alice with what she prayed desperately to be a heartfelt touch.

It was. As Claire brought the woman ever closer to her climax she could feel the affectionate drive mixed with pleasure fueling every of Alice's moans and whimpers. Claire hadn't made love to Alice since before…

When the blonde finally came and cried out her name, Claire was so satisfied to know that she could still show her love in such a way. The rolling waves of gratification surged through Alice, and the redhead smiled at the woman's eyes shut tight to feel the most of it. Right until Claire felt Alice's hands circle around her upper arms with vigor. It seemed an unconscious reaction on Alice's part, and though it made Claire tense she didn't move out of it.

Alice immediately opened her eyes and let go of Claire. Her voice was full of a kind of alarm the redhead had never heard from her before.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's ok," Claire soothed. She didn't want Alice to feel guilty for anything. In the darkness the blonde didn't look convinced, so with Claire's returned confidence she kissed Alice to prove it to her. Though her original intent had been reassurance, Claire found the kiss developing into more again. Alice's bare skin, and her own lack thereof, was compelling her to remedy the situation.

Before Claire knew what she was really doing, she was topless. She was just hungry with passion – a desire she knew only Alice could sate. The redhead crashed their lips together and at the contact of legitimate flesh on flesh, warmth shot through her.

It instantly startled her to the point where she lifted herself off Alice. The blonde looked up at her in worry, and Claire bit the inside off her lower lip as her arms held her weight. Alice raised a hand and placed it gently on Claire's cheek giving her more than enough time for her to make it known that she didn't want the touch. But Claire did – she wanted it more than anything.

Claire shut her eyes and moved her face into Alice's palm. The sound of the blonde's low voice grounded her.

"I'll keep you safe, Claire. Whatever you want – I want to give it."

The redhead didn't understand how Alice always seemed to know the right thing to say. It was probably because she spoke so little that she had the time to plan out every perfect word beforehand. It wasn't fair; not fair how Alice could read her like an open book, yet Alice held onto her own emotions. But that wasn't really true. Yes, the blonde was guarded, but all it took was one look her way from Claire and Alice was smiling like a fool.

Claire succumbed to Alice's words and found herself lowering back down to rest on the woman. Every action was slow, every kiss deliberate and tender. From there Alice's hands found their way back to gripping Claire's upper arms. The contact didn't affect her like last time. Alice's fingers trailed to her back. The light touching, the heavy kissing continued until Claire found herself ready for more. She didn't want to be on top any longer, not with her back so exposed.

She set herself down on her side, letting Alice roll so that they were facing each other. Claire still felt like she was too out in the open. The redhead turned the rest of the way so that she was on her back and waited for Alice to mirror the motion above her.

Alice obliged but kept most of her weight off Claire with strategically placed arms. Before the new position could get to her, the redhead leaned up and captured Alice's lips. Claire knew Alice would go as slow or as fast as she directed so she attacked the blonde feverishly. If she slowed down at all she'd be in great danger of stopping and never starting again.

She knew she was going about this all wrong. Losing sight of who she was; why she was doing this kept every emotion at bay. There would be no fear or depression, but also no love or humanity. Mindlessness would only get her so far.

If she was going to truly love Alice, she needed to give the blonde the same chance. With conscious intent Claire reached for the hand beside her head. Alice had to set her weight on her other elbow so that she could give the redhead control of what she wanted. Claire withdrew from Alice's kiss as she placed the blonde's hand at the button of her jeans. Her silent request was more than obvious, but Alice hesitated.

Their eyes met and only then did the blonde undo the fastening. Claire never knew she could feel such desire and dread at the same time. With her pants unbuttoned the redhead pushed them off, her thumbs catching her underwear so they could be lost as well. She didn't give Alice the option to help any more than she already had. Now they were both naked, Claire covered only by Alice's heated skin and shadows.

Claire didn't just feel completely bare she felt unworthy. The last attention her skin received was from a monster. She knew she was being ridiculous, but she couldn't keep the doubt from her mind. What if Alice didn't like what she saw? What if Alice wanted nothing to do with her disgrace, her powerlessness, her inability to stop the man that took so much from her?

The blonde was still staring at her but her eyes traveled away from Claire's to take in the woman in beneath her. Claire studied Alice's face, in the dim light it was difficult to say with certainty what she found, but Alice only looked happy. That was until blue eyes landed on the scar below her collarbone. Alice tore her sight away to find Claire's eyes again.

It was then that the redhead saw the truth. Yes, Alice wanted her, but there was sadness behind her stare. It was intense, and Claire could see every ounce of fault Alice had, she could hear every reassuring word Alice needed spoken to her. Alice would never truly be ok unless Claire was too. It was a burden she knew the blonde never meant to give her, but she accepted it without a second thought.

Claire took Alice's free hand again and set it lightly on her scar. She could almost feel the abrasion through Alice's fingers because she knew its every nuance, every subtle rise and fall of the mutilation brought on by her own weapon. The redhead spoke with steady tenor.

"This is not your fault."

Alice's eyebrows knitted together in want of disbelief, but Claire knew she'd struck a chord within the blonde. Alice removed her hand and touched her lips to the scar instead. After the kiss, Claire pulled Alice face up to her to put the woman's lips to better use.

Their tongues met, and Claire spread her legs, allowing one of Alice's to settle between them. She began to move against it in slick need, extracting pleasure from the friction as she continued to lose herself again to Alice's kiss. She wanted more – she needed it.

She broke off from the kiss to pant out her instruction. "Please, Alice." Her voice caught, but she was able to state her desire none the less. "Please – touch me."

Alice's hand traveled down, molding to all of the redhead's curves and planes of smooth skin perfectly until her fingers rested on Claire's hip. Claire knew she was wet and ready, knew she wanted this, but her breathing didn't hitch out of eagerness. It was apprehension. At the very first gentle touch of willing fingers to sensitive skin she was overwhelmed.

"Stop – Alice, stop," Claire begged, but Alice had already pulled back at the start of the request.

Claire didn't even know why she was telling the blonde to stop. All she knew was that her chest was fixed and rigid with terror. Her skin had been flushed before, but now it was being flooded with chills. Claire's balance was off, her head full of fog. She wasn't sure if she was shaking or not, but Alice's stable voice began to work through the haze.

"It's ok," the blonde promised. "You're safe."

Alice's warm frame above her, the low voice in her ear, the blue eyes looking into her green ones – all brought Claire back to the security Alice had sworn to give. Claire was sure she should just quit for the night and try to sleep, but she didn't want to. The redhead was stubborn and she was arrogant. She was determined to keep on not really considering the cost to herself or Alice.

Claire brought her mouth to Alice's again. The blonde didn't kiss her back.

"Claire," Alice mumbled against the redhead's lips before pulling away. "You don't have to do this."

"Yes, I do," Claire answered, her persistence showing through. "If I don't…If I don't let you love me tonight…I'll just go back to the person afraid to kiss the woman she loves." To Claire, it was much more than that. If tonight wasn't the night, if she allowed herself to fail, she would be hard pressed to try again. She had never been a quitter, but she'd also never been so weak. That man had taken everything from her, and though Claire was fighting to get it back – she didn't feel strong enough. "I can't live like that."

This time when she kissed Alice, the blonde returned it with every bit of affection she always did. Claire felt the passion rising in her again as Alice's hand massaged her abdomen. Her muscles went taut when the blonde's fingers skirted to her hip, but it wasn't in anxiety. Alice took it slow, everything much more gradual than her first attempt.

When Alice finally entered her – their eyes locked in trust – Claire let out a gasp. She didn't know what she was expecting, but that it felt good was a nice surprise. Alice moved inside her almost torturously slow. Claire bit into her lip as she moaned for more. Her eyelids slid closed in pleasure, but because they stayed that way the redhead found her consciousness delving into the past.

She began to forget whose fingers were pushing inside her, whose weight it was that gravity was trying to pull down onto her, whose eyes she would see if she opened her own. The movement in her hips lessened as she quit seeking out the blonde's touch. Claire was contaminated with thoughts of him. The dose of her radioactivity was enough to kill herself…or Alice, she was sure of it.

"Look at me," Alice whispered.

Claire couldn't stop herself from following the instruction anymore than she could hold back on the consequences of meeting Alice's stare.

There was a kind of fabric beneath her, that was the same, but beneath that wasn't wood floor – it was the Hummer truck bed. There was a body stronger than hers on top of her, but it wasn't taking – it was giving. There was a feeling being imposed upon her, but it wasn't pain – it was love. The only thing that was truly the same was that – again – Alice had come to save her.

Claire went back to feeling the touch Alice was giving to her in the back of the SUV. The blonde matched her need, movement for movement as Claire found herself moaning again. Their gaze never wandered as Claire approached her climax with hurried breaths.

The redhead hit the edge with engulfing force, and Alice's name was drawn from her lips in wonder. Her body quivered with pleasure, the air leaving her lungs in heavy pants, her heart hammering against her ribcage, but she managed to pull Alice down on top of her. Claire took all of the blonde's weight with glee and wrapped her arms around the woman she wanted to hold close.

Breathing into Alice's neck she felt the blonde nuzzle into hers before the woman spoke.

"I love you so much."'

Claire wanted to say the same thing, but for the first time it was the redhead who was speechless. Her jaw was weighted with the words she wanted to say, but tears found their way to her cheeks instead. She hadn't cried in a long time. The water on her face wasn't there for sadness but joy.

Alice noticed and pulled a little out of Claire's embrace. The redhead looked up, happy to see the woman she wasn't afraid to kiss. She watched Alice smile as the blonde whipped away her tears with her thumbs and then questioned her.

"How do you wanna lay?"

Claire shook her head along with giving her answer. "I don't care, so long as it's in your arms."

Alice chuckled with affection. "Well, that was a given."

The pair ended up with Claire's back pressed firmly into Alice's front as they lay on their sides. The blonde's arms were held securely around her as her own kept Alice's in place. Not that Claire had any fear of the woman letting go, she just wanted to be as close to her as possible. Alice found a blanket prior to settling and had draped it over them both.

The fabric rose and fell with their breathing as Claire recovered. She tried to match Alice's deep breaths with her own. Claire could tell she was beginning to drift, but that was ok. It was more than ok. She was protected – loved.

Though her sleep was dreamless she woke up shaking. Claire didn't really know why, but it didn't matter because Alice was right next to her and already awake. The redhead moved onto her back and pulled the blonde's naked frame on top of her. She felt the truth in knowing that having Alice so close would always be enough to keep her safe.

Claire was visibly brighter every day, and it had everything to do with the Alice and just as much to do with herself.