After months of debating over it, I finally decided to post a sequal to Gender Issues. A reviewer (06Vinny90) mentioned something about me making one and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since. So here we are, months later. If you have yet to read Gender Issues then, for this particular fic to make sense, I suggest you go and read it. Also, I wrote this to get over some EXTREME writers block so I apologize if it seems a little...for lack of better word, rough in some places.

Finally, if you do not like shonen-ai or XS then I suggest you leave right now, and I do not, nor will I ever own KHR. But I'd really like to. Just throwing that out there.

Five Stages of Being a Squalo-Sexual

Squalo was a man. Squalo…was a man. He really was a man!

Xanxus stared blankly at his tequila, having an internal argument with the beverage about his very male second in command. On the one hand, he was trying to convince himself (and his tequila) that the bulge in Squalo's pants wasn't a penis, but was…socks? Maybe Squalo just liked to have protection down there. Maybe it was a precaution against pregnancy. The rational part of him, which just so happened to be an inanimate glass full of alcohol, told him to grow some balls and accept that his second in command was in fact a man and that stuffing socks down you pants wasn't exactly a great way of preventing pregnancy. He grimaced and glared at his tequila, mentally demanding why it dared to question his opinion on his man-lady second in command. If Xanxus decided that Squalo stored socks down his pants to imitate male genitalia, then Squalo damn well stored socks down his pants. After all, whatever Xanxus says, goes.

His tequila seemed to disagree. To Xanxus' terribly drunken mind, the beverage seemed to be telling him to man up and face the fact that he was completely wrong. Naturally, Xanxus didn't particularly take well to this idea. He was Xanxus and he was not wrong. Squalo was a woman - he had to be. He just lacked the certain assets that a woman had. Just because the silver haired bastard had a penis didn't make him a male. Xanxus glared at his drink as it made it's rebuttal to his argument. Even though the swordsman had his womanly moments, the tequila reasoned, he could still act like a man. Like the time it was football season. The Varia castle had never been so loud. Xanxus nodded in agreement, pursing his lips as he tried to think of a comeback. When none came immediately, he grimaced and added more tequila to his glass, despite the fact that it just may magnify the drink's reasoning abilities.

Xanxus grunted and leaned further into his chair, holding the glass to his lips but not actually drinking anything as acceptance slowly started to dawn on him. Maybe his tequila was right. Maybe he really did need to man up and accept the truth on his second in command's gender. Growling slightly, he glared at his glass. Squalo's gender was causing too much turmoil in his head, and it was stirring trouble in his relationship with his tequila. He and his alcohol had never disagreed on something as much as this before. He sneered and tried to argue with his glass once more. So what if Squalo is a man? That didn't change anything. At least now Xanxus had a definite idea of what gender Squalo actually was. He glared at his tequila as it seemed to laugh at him.

What if, his tequila told him, what if you're attracted to him?

He paused and stared at his glass incredulously. That wasn't possible, was it? Sure, Xanxus had the odd homosexual thought (like the one of him in a bra) but that didn't mean anything. He was probably drunk at the time anyway - he did, after all, grab Squalo's crotch in front of the rest of the Varia. Now if Squalo was really a woman that would be a different story entirely. But he wasn't a woman. He was a man. A man with a penis. Xanxus wasn't allowed to be attracted to him.

His tequila laughed at him again and Xanxus glared. Why was his alcohol mocking him? He suddenly realized that he must have had way too much to drink if his booze was talking to him for longer than ten minutes. Naturally, he did what any other man in his position would do. He poured even more alcohol in his glass. Now he had a strange mix of tequila and vodka. With pursed lips, he tasted the strange concoction. He shrugged and added in some bourbon for taste. Now the odd beverage tasted a bit off, but Xanxus didn't care as long as it was alcohol. He sneered as his mixture of certain hangover-doom started to mock him. If Xanxus tried to convince himself that Squalo was a woman, then surely he was attracted to him and tried to hide it. Everyone else knew that the swordsman was a man.

Xanxus ground his teeth together and threw his mixture at the door.

'VOOOOIIII! What the fuck was that for boss?'

He turned sharply to Squalo, whose hair was dripping wet and stained brown and his eyes followed a trail of blood that ran down his face, presumably from the cut the glass gave him when he threw it. Xanxus glared at him, but did not look away as Squalo broke out into a rant.

It had only been a few hours since the crotch-grabbing incident and after the initial 'oh my god you freak you grabbed my cock' reaction the swordsman gave, everything went back to normal. Sure, Squalo avoided him for the first two hours in an attempt to figure out what the hell happened, but he couldn't evade his boss forever. Eventually, at nine o'clock on the dot, he came shuffling into the room like every other day he wasn't on a mission with a tray of alcohol and four glasses. One glass was for Xanxus to throw at Squalo as soon as he received it, one glass was to drink from, and the two last glasses was to throw at Squalo if he disturbed Xanxus while he brooded. The Varia boss didn't know what to think when Squalo came into the room with his booze but he certainly noticed that his second in command was quieter than usual. His usually pale face (way too pale for an Italian) was flushed with rage and embarrassment as he settled down the tray.

Then, three hours and an argument with his booze later, Xanxus found himself staring at Squalo and actually considering the late tequila's point. So he was a little attractive for a man. Xanxus could accept that. He was comfortable enough about his completely, totally, unquestionably straight (emphasis on the straight) sexuality to notice when another man was attractive. He could see a man and think 'yeah, he's not bad looking', even if this particular thought was rare. So rare that he had only thought it about one man before in his life. Shame that this man was the person he was trying to convince himself that he was not attracted to in any way at all. Not at all. He wasn't. Really.

He shook his head as Squalo continued to rant, and poured himself some vodka. He had run out of tequila and he could only hope that the vodka's reasoning abilities wasn't up to par with its predecessor. He hiccupped slightly and took a long gulp, draining half of the glass on the spot before turning back to Squalo to inspect him. For a guy, his vodka told him, he was really pretty. Xanxus tilted his head. If he tilted it far enough, he could see the outline of Squalo's ass in the mirror. His lips twitched and he leaned further forward, raising a brow as the view of Squalo's butt just got better and better. Nice ass, the vodka said. Xanxus frowned. This particular booze must have some sort of stupid power, because whatever the vodka said went straight to his thoughts as if he was the one thinking them. Meanwhile, as he mentally chided, burnt and throttled his alcohol, he didn't realize how far forward he was leaning until it hit him in the face. Literally. His eyes widened and he suddenly found himself wondering why the floor was closer than it should be.

'Boss!' Squalo yelped. 'Fuck, how much of this shit have you drunk?'

He bent down to help pick Xanxus up, who was sprawled inelegantly on the floor with an incredibly puzzled expression on his face. He looked up at his second in command who was brushing his hair behind his ear with a pissed off expression. He frowned at his boss and shook his head, hauling him up and throwing him back down in his throne-like chair like a wife. Shut up, his vodka (which miraculously managed to survive his fall with little to no damage to the volume) told him, you've already established that he's not a woman. Xanxus sent a glare to his vodka and, just to spite it, took another long sip - leaving about a centimeter.

'When you die of liver failure,' Squalo muttered, standing back to his full height and putting his hands on his hips, 'I'm just going to laugh.'

Xanxus cast him a lazy glance, marveling how the same strands of hair that Squalo had just tugged behind his ear defiantly fell back down to where they originally were. His hair is pretty, the vodka told him in wonderment. Xanxus nodded and Squalo raised his brow at the unprovoked gesture. Realizing what he was agreeing to, Xanxus frowned and shook his head violently, earning himself yet another strange glance from Squalo. He cursed his vodka internally and too finish it off he drank the last centimeter, immediately filling it up again. He glared at the booze silently warning it not to piss him off. After all, Xanxus had badass flaming hands of doom and alcohol was incredibly susceptible to being blown up into a mass of flames. Oh how Xanxus loved flammable things. He shrugged off his potential pyromaniac symptoms and once again focused on the swordsman, who was busy talking through the report from his recent mission.

Maybe, his vodka said, earning Xanxus' attention, you're gay.

Xanxus scoffed and snuffed the suggestion, brushing it off immediately. He couldn't be gay, he reasoned, he still liked women. Give him a whore, a handful of condoms and three boxes of good wine and he'd lock himself in his room for a full day and a night. He had done it once before and if he had to prove his sexuality to his vodka he'd be more than glad to do it again. Also, if he was gay then he'd be in the same category as Lussuria and that was just simply out of the question. So no, Xanxus thought, he was not gay.

Bisexual?

Xanxus glared at his vodka with more intensity than he usually did before looking away and giving the suggestion some thought. Being bisexual was a lot more realistic than being gay. It was a lot less like Lussuria, since the thought of a woman's touch made Lussuria gag. He pursed his lips and scratched his chin in thought, absently noticing that Squalo was still talking. Since he had already established that he was attracted to women, he now needed to figure out if he liked men. The first and obvious choice to consider would be Squalo and maybe Xanxus was attracted to him. Just maybe though. As in it was only a very slight miniscule possibility. Xanxus sneered. Next he though about Bel. No, he shook his head. The brat may be twenty-six but Xanxus had known him since he was a kid. It was practically pedophilia! Then he skipped straight over Levi (he wasn't even worth considering) and thought about Lussuria. He promptly shuddered. No, no way. He was certain he didn't find Lussuria attractive. No, it was just Squalo.

Lesbian, maybe?

Xanxus frowned and felt his chest clumsily. No, a rack hadn't suddenly grown since the start of his internal argument so being lesbian was just about impossible.

The vodka decided to make itself known again. Perhaps you're a Squalo-sexual.

A…Squalo-sexual. Xanxus pulled a face and turned to Squalo again, who was still blabbering on about his report, probably aware that Xanxus wasn't even listening to him in the slightest. Frowning, Xanxus furrowed his brows and tilted his heads as he regarded the silver haired swordsman. Was Squalo-sexual even a sexuality? He sipped at his vodka (or, as he begun to call it, his sexual advisor) as he contemplated it. It was possible, he supposed. But did being a Squalo-sexual include liking women too? Then again, he realized, he hadn't actually been with a woman in a while. His frown deepened and he glared. Was his supposed attraction to Squalo so huge that it drowned out his attraction to the gender he was meant to like? He grimaced and gulped down more booze, watching as his already doubled-vision tripled.

Denial immediately set in and he glared at the glass that held his sexual advisor. With pursed lips he began to argue with his vodka. Again. There was no way he was only attracted to Squalo. Hadn't they already established that he liked woman? He pouted slightly and tried to blink away the triple-vision that was slowly multiplying. He didn't like Squalo. The notion in itself was simply ridiculous. All the idiotic scumbag of a swordsman was to him was a pawn. Someone he could ditch all of his paperwork on with no complaints. Someone who would fight his way through hundreds of assholes with the sole purpose of getting Xanxus the meat he demanded. Someone who would be his wife without actually having to make it official.

Xanxus scoffed. So what if Squalo was pretty much his wife? No, scratch that. Squalo was his wife. He did everything a wife did anyway. He cooked and cleaned when Lussuria wasn't there, he took care of the 'kids' (read: the Varia members) and he was completely loyal to Xanxus. He grimaced and lazily looked to Squalo, who had finished with his ranting and was now cleaning up the mess of glass and tequila that Xanxus had thrown earlier like a good little wife. Xanxus sneered and lolled his head forward, still staring at Squalo. So yes, perhaps he sort of considered the longhaired commander to be his wife, but that certainly didn't mean that Xanxus was attracted to him in any way at all. Not a chance in hell. Just because Squalo was a little bit pretty. Well, more than a little bit but that was not the point.

The point is, the vodka reasoned, you're obviously infatuated with him.

Xanxus instantly denied it and crossed his arms defiantly, sticking his nose in the air in complete denial. Seriously, his booze must be drunk or something with the way it was speaking shit. Xanxus' unsteady glare settled on the glass, willing it to continue so he could attempt to prove it wrong. If anything, Xanxus was not attracted to Squalo. The alcohol lied to him. Xanxus was not happy.

Anger was an emotion that was very familiar to the boss of the Varia. Unfortunately, said emotion was the one he felt when his vodka told him to man up and stop denying the obvious. He stuck out his lip in frustration and, with a glare that could give you AIDS, he crushed the glass in his hands. Squalo jumped and 'voi'd' in surprise, accidentally smashing his head on the table he was crawling under to get a particularly hard piece of glass to pick up. Upon realizing that Xanxus' hands were on fire (and bleeding) he sighed and shook his head, not bothering to say anything. Instead, he approached and started to pick up the remains of the most recent breakage, muttering to himself bitterly before standing up to inspect Xanxus' hand.

'Fuck,' he snapped. 'You're an idiot!' Xanxus growled and clenched his fists, making the flames burn brighter. 'Voi, quit acting like a child and let me get this glass out of your hand. In your state, you'd probably fucking forget it was there and cut your throat or something and I don't want to deal with Levi once he's figured out that your dead.'

Of course, most of this speech was lost on Xanxus since he was way too drunk to hear coherently. As far as he was concerned, Squalo was just standing there and looking pretty. That, for some incredibly odd and undisclosed reason, made Xanxus quite unhappy. Or, more accurately, quite angry. He bared his teeth in an attempt to be threatening, but only succeeded in looking like a drunken idiot. Squalo rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, waiting for the sky flames to settle down so that he could tend the reasonably huge chunk of glass that was sticking out of his hand. He scrunched up his nose and tapped his foot so he could wait for Xanxus to get over his little hissy fit.

Meanwhile, Xanxus was internally babbling to himself (and, of course, to his vodka). He paid no attention to Squalo, who was still hovering over him in attempts to pull out the chunk of glass in his hand. In fact, Xanxus was in a little world of his own right then. It was as if Lussuria had slipped him something questionable again. The last time that had happened, Xanxus was found in a corner, staring at his hand in wonderment, quietly tuning his flames on and off and on and off. It took a day for the drugs to be flushed from his system (Squalo had taken up the role of Mother Hen, since Lussuria had been outright forbidden to go anywhere near him) and when he finally regained his sense of reality he proceeded to beat the shit out of anyone that came near him.

That, however, is not the point. His mind was in a little place of its own. The anger was subsiding slowly and he could feel that his flames were leaking away. Squalo immediately got to work on removing the glass from his hands, grumbling something about being 'unappreciated'.

Bargaining was next on the agenda. He pursed his lips and glared at his vodka. He wasn't infatuated with Squalo. He was sure he wasn't. Was he? He pursed his lips and tilted his head, ignoring the stinging pain in his hand as Squalo grudgingly fixed him up. What he wouldn't give for this strange attraction - whatever it was - to go away. Anything. He would give anything. Apart from perhaps his booze. And his guns. His meat too. OK, so maybe he wouldn't give anything but, you know, he'd give some things.

Alright, so bargaining wasn't exactly Xanxus' strong point. Neither was depression. Maybe for a moment he felt slightly upset over whatever was going on with his and his commander but then he realized that he was in fact a man. He had a penis. He didn't sit around moping; that was a woman's job. Therefore, he immediately moved on from depression to that last stage. Acceptance.

He blinked.

He blinked again.

Did that mean he really was attracted to Squalo? He blinked once more to snap out of his daze before looking a Squalo, who had somehow managed to slip a bandage around his bleeding hand. The swordsman smirked at his work and stood back up to his full height, nodding to himself. He seemed to notice that Xanxus, still drunk, had turned to stare at him with a scrutinizing gaze and immediately he began to feel uncomfortable. After all, this same man had grabbed his crotch just hours ago. He glared back and crossed his arms.

'Are you alive?' he snapped.

So, Xanxus thought, I'm infatuated with him. He grimaced but then shrugged lightly. It could have been much worse. At least it wasn't Levi. He took a sip of his vodka, absently noting that the beverage had launched once again into some sort of pitch. Xanxus raised a brow as Squalo rolled his eyes.

Kiss him.

Xanxus glared at his vodka.

Kiss him.

He glared some more.

If you don't kiss him so help me I'll-

Xanxus stood up, stumbled towards Squalo and grabbed his shoulders. Startled, Squalo let out a sound of surprise as he was roughly turned around. Whatever he was expecting, it certainly wasn't this. As soon as he was span around, Xanxus had leaned down and crashed their lips together. It wasn't sweet and soft, nor was it spicy and passionate. Instead, it was just a clumsy, rough mashing of the lips - their teeth clinking together haphazardly. Squalo paled slightly at the contact, tasting the taste of tequila, bourbon and vodka all rolled up into one. Xanxus, on the other hand, couldn't taste anything since he was still pretty much out of it by then.

Before they knew it, Xanxus had pulled away and glared at Squalo as if he was the one to initiate the kiss.

'Why…' Squalo said slowly once he found the words, 'the hell did you kiss me?'

Xanxus stared at him for the longest time before speaking his first words of the evening.

'…The vodka made me do it.'