Heya, what would happen if Alan had one memory of his mother, and it was a bad one.

The Anniversary of their mother's death was always hard for both Jeff and the boys. The four eldest always found it hard. They all had treasured memories of their mother and they knew that today was a day to celebrate. However, there was one son who, inadvertently, always got left out. The others all had memories of her and this day was a day to share and relive them. Alan had no precious memories, no tales to tell and no wondrous days to relive.

Well, technically that wasn't true. Alan had one memory of their mother and it was one that he so wished that he didn't have. It meant that every time he thought of their mother, it didn't bring smiles and laughs. All as his memories brought him was an incurable ache in his chest and a feeling of loss that none of the others would ever know or understand. None of the others were there when Lucy Tracy had died; therefore Alan had the one memory that no one else had. Every time he tried to think of her smiling face, all he could conjure up was the image of her grimacing in pain as the life drifted away from her body, leaving Alan with the memory of being cold and alone with no one to rescue him.

None of the others knew that Alan had this memory; he knew that it would hurt them to know this, so he kept it to himself. Held his emotions in throughout the day, lending him shoulder for his brothers and father to cry on, but as soon as they would go to bed, Alan sneaked out of his room and climbed his favourite tree. He would sit there for hours just looking at the star that John had discovered and named after their mother. Safe in the knowledge that no one knew about his burden. They didn't deserve to be put through that pain.

This year was different though. After the incident with the hood, John had decided to take a break from Thunderbird 5 and was staying down on earth until he felt ready. Alan started to feel more and more isolated. He was now a Thunderbird, but nothing changed, he still wasn't allowed on missions, his brothers still teased him mercilessly, almost bordering on bullying, but Alan believed he deserved it, after all, he killed their mother. If it hadn't been for the fact that that Lucy was trying to save him, she would have lived and everyone would have been happy. He felt cut off from the rest of his family. They were all helping each other to get over spring break. Except him. No one bothered to help him with his nightmares; no one helped him with lingering fears. He was after all, the forgotten Tracy.

This year, Alan had had enough, he hated the fact that he couldn't talk to anyone. He couldn't handle the guilt, and he was sick of being the unwanted mistake. There was five years between him and Gordon. He was not a planned pregnancy.

So here he was. Sitting in his normal tree after the worst day of the year, sobbing. He couldn't hold back anymore. He was fed up of hiding. He held the blade to his wrist and took a deep breath in an attempt to stem the flow of tears. He was just about to apply pressure when he heard

"ALAN!"

He whipped his head round and saw John climbing the tree. He reached Alan and grabbed the blade from his hands. John threw it as far away from him as he could. He then gathered his baby brother in his arms and stroked his hair as Alan sobbed on his shoulder. It was only then that this was the first time he had seen the youngest Tracy cry in at least 5 years. John held his brother steady and his heart broke at the sight of Alan clinging onto him like a small child. His mind was still trying to process what he had just seen. He'd just stopped his baby brother from killing himself. Tears welled up in his eyes as he asked the question he wasn't really sure he wanted the answer to.

"Why, Alan?"

Alan just looked up at him. There was just pain in his eyes, but his voice was steady and held no emotion.

"What's my favourite colour, John, or maybe my favourite band? What was my best friend's name at primary school? Can you answer any of these, John?"

John paled as he understood what his brother was talking about. The forgotten Tracy. The one that was always left behind. The one that was shipped off to boarding school and excluded from the one thing that made all of the Tracys what they were.

"Oh, Alan, I'm so sorry! I'm so so sorry." John sobbed.

"There's more," said Alan flatly, normally he would never dream of revealing this to a single soul, but he wanted John to hurt, hurt as much as he did.

"Remember how i always say that i can't remember anything about mom?" At john's nod he continued, "Well that's not true. I can remember her screaming in pain before she remembered that i was there and tried to control it, I can remember her face screwing up in pain as she lay dying in the snow. I can remember her shouting at Scott and Dad to get me out first, and i remember her hand going slack in mine as she finally died from her injuries. That's what i remember about mom." Alan had started his speech in a calm flat voice, but it ended in a whisper. John looked like he had been punched in the gut. He looked so pale. There was so much pain in his features.

"Allie, how could you keep this to yourself for all of these years, why baby? Why didn't you tell us that you were hurting?" John pleaded as he gathered Alan up in his arms once again, holing him so tight pressed against his chest, feeling Alan's heartbeat, reassuring himself that he had stopped Alan in time.

"I didn't exactly hide it, and none of you seemed to notice." Said Alan in that emotionless voice.

John could no longer hold on, and he broke down into Alan's shoulder. He begged him for forgiveness as sobs wracked his entire body. Alan just snuggled further into his brother's warmth and clung to him. He wanted John to stop feeling bad. He didn't want him to feel bad anymore. He also didn't think he could handle being on Tracy island for a while.

"Johnny?" Alan asked in a voice that was much too small for a fifteen year old.

"Yeah, baby?" John replied thickly, tears still rolling down his cheeks

"Can i come and stay on five with you?" He asked, He feared being rejected, but john just held him tighter and whispered into his ear that he would sort it out with dad.

The two just sat there holding each other for the rest of the night. They both knew that getting through this would not be easy, but they would do it together as brothers.

This is my first Thunderbirds fic so please be kind. Reviews please!

EC