Well, we (APieceOfGumIsNotStuckInMyHair and I) have pretty much given up trying to get you guys to stay away by now, so... we'll just go with a 'Your funeral'.

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Soon, the wedding day came. Voldemort was dashingly, devilishly, hotly, impressively, dazzlingly, strikingly sexy in his white suit. (Of course, he did have a red tie. You know, just for the sake of variation. But he was secretly planning to turn it white when no-one was looking, just like Bellatrix was going to loosen her corset at the first opportunity.) Rodolphus were standing awkwardly behind him, trying to blend in with the others. He was having a bit difficulty there - everyone were staring at him (Except Voldemort and Luna - the former was looking into air because he had a sinister feeling that the invisible ghosts of Harry and Ginny were playing quidditch, and the latter was having a staring contest with the window.), when suddenly the wedding march started.

Bellatrix came in, and she looked amazingly, astoundingly, breathtakingly, beautifully, gorgeously perfect in her silver and green dress. Behind her came Mary-Sue, looking like a sweet, lovely, adorable, heart-breaking little angel in her golden blanket with the initials BV. Narcissa was right behind her, dressed in a black and white bikini. Black because she was a widow, white because she was a bridesmaid, and bikini because she wanted a new husband. Behind her came Minerva McGonagall (Bellatrix had not been so happy about that at first - she had suspected that Voldemort and Minerva had had a fling back at Hogwarts. Fortunately, though, Voldemort had convinced Bellatrix to let the old lady participate - 'Oh, come on! As soon as the rumor about Minnie - (MINNIE?) I mean, um, that old hag - and Horace Slughorn got around, no-one as much as touched her.' 'Then why do you want her to be there?' 'I... um... So that we can make fun of her! You know, 'accidentally' let her and Slughorn sit next to her, 'accidentally' let it slip to Rita... You invited her, right?' 'Rita Skeeter? Of course!') dressed in muggle jeans and a white t-shirt that said 'My sister and I are weird - does that make us Weird Sisters?'. Finally, after Minerva, Draco was trying as hard as he could to balance on his high heels: Narcissa had somehow convinced him to wear a dress, make-up, high heels and a wig. He'd done everything within his power to protest, of course, but Cissy refused to back down, and so, he somehow found himself wearing a blue sundress with white flowers embroidered around his waist, a stylish, blonde wig and heels high enough to make all the ladies (And, for some reason, Albus Dumbledore too) in the room flinch in sympathy.

Finally, after a painfully slow march, the stunning women (And man) made it to the altar, and it took all of Voldemort's self-control to keep him from taking Bellatrix right there and then. (Although a few droplets of drool managed to escape the corner of his mouth. Bellatrix found that very sexy, and if they'd been alone, she would have been licking those droplets of... She'd been licking several things...)

The couple stared into each other's eyes, oblivious to everything else, and so, when it was time for their vows, Rodolphus had to slap Voldemort several times across the face to get his attention. ('Is it just me imagining things', thought the priest to himself, 'Or is that man taking a bit too much pleasure out of slapping the groom?') Voldemort blinked. 'Hm? Where am I? Oh. Right. Wedding.' He then gave his words to stand by Bellatrix's side for 'til death did them apart, before he turned his attention over to Bella, who'd been about to give her vows when she met Voldemort's eyes.

Let us just say that Narcissa had to snap her fingers in front of her face several times before Bella realized that she was supposed to get married now – she could stare at Voldemort later. Stuttering, she gave him his vows, and now it was time for their rings.

A furious Rodolphus summoned the golden bands with a wave of his wand, and held them up for the delighted couple.
Voldemort picked Bellatrix up in his arms and carried her through the manor and into the bed, leaving Mary-Sue in Narcissa's care for the next ten hours. Throwing his new wife on the four poster bed, he started tearing her clothes off, as she did the same with him. In no time they were entwined, crying out of joy as they made very loving love.

The couple then cuddled happily, sighing in bliss and kissing a lot. Voldemort paused, leaning away from Bellatrix's greedy mouth. 'I think you deserve a reward Bella... After being such a good little wife... Oh yes you have... Actually we both deserve rewards. How about we had another baby?'
Bellatrix beamed up at him. 'Ooooooh, my love, you're so generous! Thank you! Wait a minute... can't we get someone else to carry the child for me? There has to be a way. I've already become a bit chubbier after our darlin' li'l pumpkin, I shall not become a Molly Weasley!'
Voldemort pondered. 'You are absolutely right my beauty. I'll research for a way to let the baby grow out of your glorious body. Why not an eggshell for instance? Never mind, let's conceive in marital bliss now.'
Bella giggled her agreement as her husband assaulted her again. Narcissa could watch Mary-Sue a little bit longer, it wasn't as if she had her own alive husband to come home to.

Meanwhile, Narcissa was downstairs in the drawing room, entertaining Mary-Sue with a blanket she'd enchanted to talk. At the moment, it was discussing advanced Founder's magic with Mary-Sue in Parseltongue, but of course, Cissy didn't know what they were talking about. Not that she cared. All she could think of was the sounds from upstairs – giggles, shouts, screams of ecstasy, and, to sicken her even more, she could even hear their little conversation about a new child! Not that she didn't want another family member, she just... She didn't want to be the surrogate. It would ruin any chance she may have had left of getting a new husband.

Thinking of new husbands... She looked over at Rodolphus' bloodied, mangled body, as he lay on the stone floor with severe injuries.
'Hm', thought Cissy to herself, 'Looks like that hot piece of Heaven survived. And... we're both single... And I'm sure Bella won't mind...'
Grinning, she walked sexily over to the poor, defenseless man, and...
Rodolphus screamed.
Narcissa stared down at the thrashing man on the floor for a while, shocked that his reaction to her womanly charm was so... violent. But it was probably normal for poor darling Roddie to have a strong reaction to gloriously gorgeous women by now, with all that he had suffered for Bella. And the shock was bound to be even greater with her. After all, Bella was still really pretty, no doubt, but her hair... and her face... and her breasts... Yes, no wonder the Dark Lord had chosen her. They... fitted... each other...
Smirking to herself, Cissy went down on her knees slowly, licking her lips in a sexy way. Leaning her face to the side, she patted Rodolphus' cheek, carefully avoiding the drool. 'Hush now, my dear. You've got nothing to fear with me, I'm not dangerous, I'm not unfaithful and I'm not interested in snakey-snakey men. I only wish for a husband, you know.'
Rodolphus whined and panted desperately, trying his best to crawl away from her, but she held him in place with a lazy flick of her wand.
'Come now, dear. Don't be shy. Not with me...'
But just as she was putting her hands on Rodolphus' chest, trying her best to view the blood as something sexy to lick off, a babyish whine came from behind her. Actually, from far behind her. Quite far. The corridor. Maybe the garden. Where it was dark and drunk Death Eaters and snakes would be wandering about. Narcissa said something very unladylike then. 'Fuck'

Mary-Sue was still very young, but she seemed to know of the Great Truths of this World already. And she made sure that one of them was respected: Everyone couldn't get their happily ever after. The little girl's first magic illuminated the whole floor. From above, Voldemort and Bellatrix heard the great crash and interrupted their coupling, although they had been in a position so very interesting and... disturbing that the authors do not wish to share it with eventual readers. They rushed towards the window, and then down the stairs where Bellatrix scooped up a giggling Mary Sue and tickled her belly with pride and delight. The little girl had committed her very first murder. Voldemort was convinced then that he could teach the fine art of Horcrux-making by her seventh birthday.
All was well.

***WorstFicEverWorstFicEver***

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