Haymitch Abernathy isn't allowed to…

Author's note: Surely at least some of you have seen these lists of 'What I'm not allowed to do', right? Well, since I couldn't find any for the Hunger Games (review and tell me if there are), and I figured that Haymitch works best for all of these. I have blended jokes from all three books, so if things seem amiss, sorry. Also, you might wonder why I picked Haymitch, but I figured because of his drunkenness, he might be a bit goofed up. Also, it's really funny to imagine.

BTW, I did fifty. The numbers didn't save when I uploaded it.

Not allowed to kiss Effie Trinket onstage. Hugs are different, though.

Finnick Odair isn't 'After me lucky charms'. Nor is it appropriate to tell the tributes that on his mentoring year.

He's not even Irish. Names mean nothing.

Enobaria isn't the great-granddaughter of Edward Cullen.

Whoever that is.

Offering tributes some of my booze because they're all going to die anyway is tasteless and tacky, not a good way to make sure that the tributes at least enjoy their last days.

Telling the rabid fangirls where Finnick's room is was only funny the first time.

Godzilla's not going to step on the arena and force the Hunger Games to be postponed or cancelled.

So there is no excuse for my lack of trying to get my tributes sponsors.

Chuck Norris wasn't the victor of the first Hunger Games.

Beetee is the only one who gets to finish Wiress' sentences for her. I am not allowed to.

Dressing in drag will only scare Finnick, not make him come after me for the entertainment of the other victors.

Gloss, on the other hand, might be able to pull it off.

*Just added* I am not allowed to voice that opinion in front of Gloss. Or Cashmere, for that matter.

No tribute in his or her right mind would ever put a whoopee cushion on President Snow's chair, so I might as well not ask.

I'm not allowed to ask the morphlings, Annie Cresta, or Wiress either. They might not be in their right minds, but the morphlings are too funny to die, Finnick would kill me if I got near Annie Cresta, and I'm not really sure what Beetee would do seeing as I don't really know how he feels about Wiress, but I'm sure he wouldn't be too happy with the result.

Neither of the morphlings are related to Gollum

'Fire and Icing' is Katniss and Peeta's codename, not ingredients in a science experiment.

If Cashmere loses her hairbrush, it's rude to run around and scream, "THE WORLD IS ENDING!"

Giving the morphlings colored chemicals and seeing if they actually use them for paint is dangerous for them and for the rest of us, too.

Sending Snow a Mockingjay pin for his birthday is just asking for it.

Claiming that I am drunk won't help me in that situation.

Suggesting to get an alien translator installed for Mags, the morphlings, and possibly Wiress will get Finnick mad at me.

Saying that Wiress already has an alien translater and then watching Beetee's reaction will somehow cause me to become injured. It doesn't matter that neither of the District 3 victors are very strong, they know how to create dangerous devices at the drop of a hat.

Asking Katniss whether she is Team Edward or Team Jacob will cause confusion or anger, not laughter.

President Coin and President Snow aren't a match made in heaven, and it is wrong of me to say so in front of one of them.

Asking Octavia how many peas she eats to get her skin that color is a joke that's lost on her.

Suggesting Buttercup for the Hunger Games because of his ugliness will get Prim and her mother really mad at me.

Giving Johanna Mason some of my alcohol will only increase her tendency to strip, not decrease it.

Starting a betting pool among my fellow mentors on which tribute is going to die first/last or anything else related to death isn't a good way to get rich quick.

Saying "Beam him/her up, Scotty!" when a hovercraft removes the victor or dead bodies from the Hunger Games really isn't funny. It's morbid.

I'm not allowed to tell President Snow to 'Get a life'.

Cato didn't need Anger Management classes.

Crosswiring people's mentoring stations so District 4 sends District 8 sponsors' gifts, etc. will only result in the other mentors wanting to kill me.

Letting spiders loose in Brutus' room and hearing him scream like a girl might be funny to all of us, but Brutus and Enobaria will kill us for it.

Suggesting red shirts for the tributes just puts everyone in a bad mood.

I must not perform "Hunger Games: The Full Monty", nor should I encourage others to do so.

My title is Haymitch Abernathy, not Emperor Haymitch Abernathy, supreme ruler of Panem. Snow would kill me.

Beetee and Wiress blow things up. I do not.

Putting itching powder in Finnick's shirt really has a predictable reaction.

Putting itching powder in the tributes' shirts isn't very nice, especially since they're all going to die.

Putting itching powder in any of the other mentors' shirts will not cause any of them except Finnick and Johanna to walk around shirtless.

Okay. Putting itching powder in Snow's clothing is just going too far. And asking for it.

Tributes are human lives, albeit condemned ones. That means that I cannot allow Katniss to use any of them for target practice.

Experimenting with the force fields by tossing objects into them will only get me in trouble. Especially assuming some of the objects.

Singing 'The Lumberjack Song' in front of anyone from District 7 will make them very mad, not cause them to laugh

Cannot sing 'If You're Happy and You Know It'. Anywhere.

Impersonating Snow, Beetee, Wiress, Finnick, Johanna, Enobaria, Gloss, Cashmere, Mags, Annie, either of the morphlings, Katniss, Gale, Peeta, Coin, or anyone else is funny until they learn about it.

Asking Beetee or Wiress to rig bombs to blow up the presidential mansion is too logical.

I cannot ask any victors how old they really are.

Author's note: Short, I know, but I may or may not publish another fifty some time. Depends on the reviewers. If you want me to continue or have suggestions, you know who to call!

Also, can anyone guess my favorite characters among the past victors?