Sheldon scowled at the extensive menu, apparently displeased with everything offered.

Every attempt at conversation crashed and burned.

"Leslie says you're close to your Mee-Maw..."

"What did Leslie say about Mee-Maw? No one talks about my Mee-Maw!"

So much for that conversation starter.

Sheldon ordered a BBQ Bacon cheeseburger with everything on the side. Penny ordered a salad, thinking she should watch her weight if she was going to be on TV (they say the camera adds ten pounds). When her salad arrived - piled a good foot high on her plate - she remembered that they also say a Cheesecake Factory salad adds ten pounds.

Sheldon scrutinized her salad, "Is there lettuce under those toppings? I think this restaurant is playing fast and loose with the term 'salad'. I don't trust this place."

Penny laughed at what she thought was a joke, but Sheldon just looked confused. Every time she felt ready to stab him is the face with a fork for being so persnickety and annoying, he showed the true depths of his clueless nature and her heart softened. This must be how Leonard felt every day.

"So, you and Leonard have been roommates for a while, right?"

Sheldon wasn't quite smiling but his eyes lit up, "Five years. He's not just my roommate, he's my best friend. If I may employ some modern slang, we have each other's backs."

Penny could have thrown him on the table and taken him right there. He was so... so Sheldony! He was so oblivious to social norms: One minute he was wildly offensive, the next he was wearing his heart on his sleeve like a child.

Sheldon continued, "Leonard is my best friend, Raj is my secondary friend and Wolowitz will return to his tenuous place as my third closest friend once he finishes his friendship refresher course."

Penny laughed but it quickly became clear from his expression that Sheldon was not joking.

"What about Leslie? I know the two of you butt heads but you must be friends by now."

"Leslie is a tiresome acquaintance at best. Oh, how I regret I suggesting Leonard pursue her as a sexual partner."

"You suggested they go out? Then you must have liked her at some point."

"I thought she was a suitable mate for Leonard. They have similar interests and both come from high achieving families. While they may be sloppy in their methodology, they both have a potential for greatness. Their offspring would also have the potential for greatness as long as they had a suitable mentor."

"You?"

"Naturally," Sheldon replied with no trace of humor or irony.

"So you weren't so much match-making as breeding?"

Sheldon thought it over, "In your folksy, home-spun way, you're essentially correct."

"So if they do decide to have a baby, you'd be fine with that. Right? It would be a good thing, wouldn't it?"

Sheldon wrinkled his brow, "Leslie appears to have committed herself to the traditional romantic pairing paradigm these days. I don't believe they will have a baby until they've had a sufficiently long courtship, engagement and have been married for a year. I had hoped for a scenario where she would simply share custody or hand the baby over to Leonard entirely."

Penny drained the wine in her glass and desperately beckoned Bernadette for more. If "Em Theory" took off, she already had an idea for a spin-off. "Two Physicists and a Baby." It might be a funny sitcom but it sounded like a terrifying reality.

"Well, I'm sure Leslie would still let you mentor her baby even if she insists on raising it herself."

"We have currently have an acrimonious relationship. She calls me names and says I'm sexist"

"Why?"

"I simply told her that her best contribution to science would be to produce babies and she took offense!" Sheldon looked so scandalized that Penny had to laugh. It was amazing Sheldon was still alive to tell the tale.

"Did you tell her your little theory about how her and Leonard's offspring would be little geniuses that you would mold into... whatever is better than just being a genius?"

"I never had the chance, she started throwing things at me."

xxx

Penny spent the meal debating sex or no sex. She usually knew by the time she got to the restaurant with a guy but, with Sheldon, it was a bit more complicated. He was cute. Sex. He was condescending. No sex. He was too clueless to realize he was being an ass. Possible sex. He loved his Mee-Maw and he had a serious bromance going on with Leonard. She couldn't decide if he was devoted and loyal or just creepy and clingy. She got her dessert to go. After her enormous salad, any more food would not only mean no sex - it would mean no moving period. She'd have to roll out of the restaurant.

Penny took Sheldon's arm as they left the restaurant. Sheldon looked disturbed but didn't pull away. She was barely listening to what he said, he was jibber-jabbing about some cat in a box. In her experience, you didn't need to open a box to know if a cat was dead or not. Apparently physicists lost their sense of smell on their way to a Ph.D.

"Penny, Penny, Penny..."

"What? Cat's in a box. Uncertainty. Got it."

"How are we getting home? You've drinking and I don't drive."

"I've had two glasses of wine, I can drive."

"Oh, no you can't! Two glasses of wine for a woman your size is enough to impair your motor skills significantly. Even the slightest impairment can be the difference between life and a horrible, fiery, dismembering death..."

Penny tuned out again as she called for a cab. She was going to have to make a decision on sex and Sheldon wasn't making much of an argument for himself.

Although he did look good by moonlight and he was quite tall.

Penny continued to make non-committal noises as Sheldon chattered on. They were climbing into the cab when Sheldon mentioned his plan to split up Leonard and Leslie.

"As much as Leonard love coitus, I believe he loves science more and if he's forced to chose between string theory and Leslie," Sheldon explained, smugly, "Let's just say she'll be the Zune to my Ipod."

"You can't break up Leslie and Leonard! They're going to have... a..." Penny scrambled for an end to the sentence. Damn Sheldon was right. Two glasses of wine had impaired her mental faculties.

"Have a what?" Sheldon asked. His blue eyes were wide and guileless. He was too naive to jump to the obvious conclusion but he'd be there in a minute. Penny had to distract him.

She grabbed him by the lapels of his hideous checked suit jacket and kissed him. It was like kissing a brick wall but Penny knew there was something there. There was a heart inside that giant brain. Not actually inside the brain, that would be ridiculous but... Penny's thoughts were becoming scattered because Sheldon was responding.

It was subtle. He opened his lips just the tiniest bit but he allowed Penny's tongue to explore his mouth. She tasted the barbeque and lemonade, sweet and tart. She hoped she didn't tasted too strongly of the bacon from her salad.

Sheldon hesitantly put a hand on her hip and leaned into the kiss. It was a little sloppy at first but he was a quick learner. She pushed his jacket off his shoulders. Despite what the leering taxi driver might have thought, she wasn't planning on cab sex; it was just a terrible jacket. He looked much better stripped down to a striped shirt.

xxx

Penny led Sheldon to her apartment by the hand. He was flushing and avoiding her eyes but he was following her eagerly.

She didn't bother offering Sheldon coffee, she didn't want to kill the mood with some silly argument about caffeine intake at a late hour. She felt certain he would latch on anything at this point to make him feel like he was back in his own territory.

She pulled him straight into the bedroom.

"Penny, you've had two glasses of wine and your judgment may be impaired so, as a gentleman, I have to suggest we hold off on coitus for at least another hour to allow your body to finish metabolizing..."

"Shut up, Sheldon."

Knowing words would never be enough, she silenced him with her mouth and her hands. Once his pants were on the floor, he was positively pre-verbal. His body was slim but nicely toned. He watched her with saucer-like blue eyes as she pulled down his white briefs. He would wear tighty whities. She slid a condom on for him, fearing he'd insist of reading the instructions. He bit his lip as she took him in her mouth but he never stopped watching her. She wasn't sure he blinked until it was over. He warned her before he came by saying, "Penny, I think..." She got the message. She cleaned him up and laid down on the bed beside him.

"That was... very pleasant. Thank you, Penny," he continued to flail for appropriate pillow talk. Clearly, he hadn't been coached on this part of the evening, or if he had, the note cards were probably in his pants on the floor.

"I'm not sure of the protocol at this point, " Sheldon continued, "I imagine reciprocity is in order."

Sheldon spoke the words like he was contemplating eating a shoe.

"We're just taking a break, Sheldon. We're not done yet," Penny explained, running a hand over his pale chest.

Sheldon looked intrigued, "Are you referring to coitus?"

"If coitus means sex, then yes," Penny agreed as she unzipped her dress, "We're going to have coitus."

"It does," Sheldon added unnecessarily. How could she have ever doubted sex was on?

xxx

Sheldon was frustratingly slow as he explored her body. His touch and lips were light and gentle but very thorough. Despite his initial hesitance,

he 'reciprocated' with surprising enthusiasm. By the time he entered her, he looked almost relaxed. They kissed the whole time. She wasn't sure if Sheldon was being romantic or if kissing was still such a novelty that he didn't want to stop. Penny was usually pretty loud and assertive in bed, but she allowed Sheldon to take the lead, let him find his way. She slid her hand between them to help herself along, and when she came, he followed suit. They lay together in comfortable silence for a while, until Sheldon asked how he was getting home. Should he call Leonard?

"You can stay here, tonight."

Sheldon looked dubious.

"If you stay here, you do realize there will be more sex, right?"

Sheldon sent Leonard a text. For the next hour, Sheldon's phone buzzed with text after text, probably one from every member of the physics department and the crew at the comic book store. Penny just got one message. It was from Leslie and read, "Thanks for taking one for the team."

In the morning, they had sex (after Sheldon brushed his teeth with unopened travel toothbrush he kept in his jacket).

As they enjoyed the post-coital silence (the only time Sheldon was awake and quiet) when Sheldon suddenly asked, "Is Leslie pregnant?"

Penny's lack of an answer was all the answer he needed. He frowned but said nothing more on the subject.

xxx

She dropped him off in the morning and said she'd call him.

A week went by and she didn't call.

Leslie sent her several texts that she deleted without reading.

When Penny got the call to report for filming, she knew she really just wasn't going to call. Her new life was already so complicated. She couldn't imagine adding someone as complicated as Sheldon. She felt like a terrible person but she'd learned the hard way that she needed to put self-preservation first.

She wanted to be a star, it was all she'd ever wanted and she was finally on her way.