Because this has been in my head for ages and I thought it was funny.

Mal jacked open the box, despite Simon's protests.

Cold smoke wafted into the air, clearing to reveal a naked seventeen year old girl curled up on top of foam padding. She was unconscious.

That was the working assumption, anyway. It was completely shot down when she sat up and screamed.

"Whoooooooo! Damn, that was a long ride!" She looked up at the shocked crowd surrounding her box and climbed out, completely unselfconscious. "Though I gotta say: it was kinda fun!"

Everybody, including Zoe and Kaylee, did their best to avert their eyes. The girl glanced down at herself. "What?" she said. "It ain't nothin' you gents haven't seen before." Her eyes landed on Wash. "Except maybe you."

Jayne snickered.

"River," said Simon, coming forward, arms outstretched.

River looked at him. "Simon, I'm fine."

He looked stunned. This wasn't what he had expected at all. Then again, so did everybody else. The girl stared at them all, waiting for somebody to speak.

Mal was the first. "Zoe? Somebody? Get this girl a blanket," he said faintly.

"Uh, right away, sir," said Zoe, and left.

River looked after her with interest. "She's pretty polite to call you 'sir' like that," she noted. "If it were me who was married to you, I'd've told you where to shove it."

Mal and Wash coughed. "Well, uh, she's not my wife, see," said Mal. He looked to Wash, who said, "She's mine."

River laughed at him. "Like I believe that!"

Wash had no idea how to handle this. Zoe returned with the blanket and handed it to River.

"Why so glum, chum?" she asked.

"Um," said Zoe. She went to stand beside her husband. Meanwhile, River made no move to cover herself.

"Doctor, you, uh... you wanna explain this?" said Mal, in that same faint voice.

Simon gulped. He'd been hoping this wouldn't happen.

River picked up on his thoughts. "Maybe later?" she suggested.

Mal didn't really know what to say to this. Neither did Simon.

It was about five minutes before anybody spoke again.

"So!" said River, who'd been staring at everybody, wondering why they were so untalkative. "Anything to eat around here?"