Lorne's Facade Chapter 1: Lorne's Facade, a stargate: atlantis fanfic

Lorne's Facade

Author: ShaViva

Rating: K+

Season: season 2, just before Runner

Summary: Speculation on the new 2IC was rife from the day Lorne arrived on Atlantis, more so when he resolutely avoided talking about his life back on Earth. Was he running from a bad relationship, or was the explanation much simpler? Because really, isn't he just too nice to be so determinedly alone?

Classifications: Romance

Spoilers for: nothing specific.

Disclaimer: I am unfortunately not associated in any way with the creators, owners, or producers of Stargate or any of its media franchises, which is obvious because one - SGA would still be on; and two - Lorne would be there ALL the time! All publicly recognizable characters, settings, equipment, etc are the property of whoever owns them. Any original characters, plot, settings, and anything else I made up are the property of me, the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note:

All these song fics have me listening in a different way to my favourite songs - shame on you ladygris and Penelope the Perky Penguin! LOL - seriously, I appreciate the inspiration. I was listening to a song yesterday and I started thinking about Lorne - nothing new there! Anyway, the lyrics suggested to me a totally different approach to his background, so I decided to go with it. Set just before Runner. The song is 'Call Me' by Shinedown. And I'm determinedly not calling this another challenge response because I blew the word limit times four!

Lorne's Facade

They were reassigning him ... to another galaxy. Major Evan Lorne tried not to dwell on the enormity of that - working in the Stargate program, going to other planets, had been enough of an adjustment. Taking what he'd learned to Pegasus, so far away it would take three weeks to come home, was a major shift. One that had him thinking about other things, about his life in general.

About Amy.

She'd been his best friend since high school, not letting his military life style, the months overseas along with the secrecy about what he was doing, dim their friendship.

Just the opposite.

Over the years they'd fallen into something more than friendship, something he'd refused to put a label on. He loved her, but then he always had, long before he'd matured enough to understand what it meant. He loved the air force too, loved his job. And now they were telling him he had a special gene, one that made him ideal for working on Atlantis. They needed him there, to fight against an enemy who wouldn't hesitate to destroy Earth after feeding on or harvesting every person ... if they could get here. How could he say no to that?

But how could he leave, knowing this time there'd be no weekend visits, only months and months where he couldn't even call, let alone see Amy?

The worst part was that she'd let him do that to her, he was sure of it. Amy told him once that she'd always be there for him and she never broke her word. She was the glue that held everything they were together ... she never asked for anything more, never made him feel like he was short changing her. But he was, because he hadn't made a real commitment to their life together when he'd had so many chances in the past.

Now it was too late.

He only had a few hours before he shipped out and he had to make a decision. But first, he had to tell Amy he was leaving ... again. Changing into civvies Lorne grabbed his keys and made his way up to the surface. The first few moments of the journey were taken up with getting signed out of the base but once he was on the open road and heading for Colorado Springs where Amy lived, Evan's mind returned to his dilemma. It was the kind of thing he'd always talked to Amy about in the past, but this time he couldn't do that, because he knew what she'd say and he was so torn he'd let her convince him.

"This is insane," he muttered, reaching for the radio and switching it on with more force than required, needing the distraction.

"Wrap me in a bolt of lightning,
send me on my way still smiling.
Maybe that's the way I should go,
straight into the mouth of the unknown."

Lorne frowned. "What the hell?" he glared at the radio, the lyrics somehow tapping into his current problems.

"I left the spare key on the table.
Never really thought I'd be able
to say I merely visit on the weekends.
I lost my whole life and a dear friend."

Whoever this guy was, he'd done what Lorne was contemplating. Only Evan didn't want to hand in his key, write off the only kind of life he had outside of the air force - lose his best friend. He didn't want to do any of that, hence the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach whenever he let himself consider it. As a distraction the song wasn't cutting it - reaching for the dial to switch it off again, Lorne stopped abruptly, the lyrics accusing now.

"I've said it so many times.
I would change my ways,
no, never mind.
God knows I've tried."

Letting his hand fall back to the steering wheel he sighed. It was only a song but something inside was telling him he needed to listen, that he owed it to Amy. He'd told her things would be different, so many times, and always with the best intentions. When he'd been in training he'd promised he'd have more time for their friendship once he was qualified. Only his first roles had turned out to be successive assignments to Europe and then later Afghanistan. By then they were romantically involved and he'd told her it would be better, once he was posted in the U.S. He'd got his wish, but it had been the SGC who'd requested his services and he'd ended up spending more time off world than on it. He'd been forced to lamely tell Amy he couldn't visit whenever she wistfully commented that she was seeing him no more often now than she had when he'd been overseas, despite the fact that they were living closer to each other than they had since their teens.

What was it they said about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? That's what his private life felt like sometimes - light and dark, good and evil ... right and wrong. And his eternal question. Was it wrong to stay with Amy because he loved her, even though he knew he wasn't good for her? How could she not hate him for that? For putting her life on some kind of permanent pause while he pursued his career, never taking the first steps towards a different future? Part of him wanted her to yell at him, to tell him to leave and never come back. Part of him wanted her anger to be strong enough to force him to stay away. It wouldn't change how he felt about her, but maybe it would change how he felt about himself.

"I finally put it all together,
but nothing really lasts forever.
I had to make a choice that was not mine,
I had to say goodbye for the last time.
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
never really stayed in one place.
Maybe that's the way it should be,
you know I live my life like a gypsy.

I've said it so many times.
I would change my ways,
no, never mind.
God knows I've tried."

Evan was putting it all together today - how he'd stalled and stalled, thinking there'd be this 'moment' when he'd just know it was time. There wasn't. Instead he'd fallen into a habit that was about living without making any real decisions, without really even thinking about what he was doing. Because the simple truth was that Evan Lorne was career military. He'd never said as much but it was an indisputable fact. He wouldn't be taking early retirement - hell, he'd hang in there until they had to cart his sorry ass out the door. Amy deserved to know that. For him the life he'd chosen was the way it had to be ... and he'd take whatever consequences it brought along with it. He didn't want Amy to be one of those consequences but, if he loved her at all, how could he not do the right thing, for her this time instead of for him?

I'll always keep you inside,
you healed my heart and my life ... and you know I try."

"Damn it!" Evan slammed a hand against the steering wheel. What was God, the fates, whatever you wanted to call it, trying to do to him? He didn't know what kind of injury the song guy's girl had healed but he couldn't hide from his own past. Amy had healed him ... in many ways she was the reason he'd joined the air force. He'd been a few months shy of fifteen when his Dad had been killed in a car accident. Before that Evan's life had been all about doing whatever it took to get accepted into the academy. He'd wanted to fly, more than anything. Enough to give up a social life, to work every hour he wasn't studying to earn money for private lessons. And then his Dad had gone out - Evan couldn't remember what for now - and he just hadn't come back. When the state police came to tell them, something had switched off in Evan's head. Ambition, determination, resolve ... all gone, replaced by an anger so great he'd struggled to contain it. He had though, controlled the black depth of his emotions behind a blank facade that let nothing in or out. He'd checked out on his own life, spending hours alone wondering what was the point or thinking about the various ways he could express his anger and then talking himself out of doing anything.

He'd shut out his Mom, his sister, but he couldn't shut out Amy. She'd been determined and so damn stubborn. Yelling at her didn't work, insulting her only made her laugh, and when he'd told her with grim coldness that he hated her she'd hugged him. Just wrapped her arms around him and held on until her warmth had warmed him, until he'd cried out that first rush of grief and despair. That had been the beginning of accepting that things happened that were outside his control. His ambition was renewed and he'd gone on to achieve what he'd set out to do. The only change he'd made was letting Amy in, treating her more like the friend she'd always been instead of a fixture in his life that he'd taken for granted.

Pulling up in the driveway of her small house, he turned off the engine and just sat, listening to the last strains of the song.

"Call me a sinner, call me a saint.
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same.
Call me your favourite, call me the worst.
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt.
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way.
So, I'll be on my way.
So, I'll be on my way.

That was it? The guy hadn't even made a decision - he'd asked his lady to make it for him, said his piece and then left. He'd gone on his way but what happened next? Did the woman call him back? Did she say 'Don't be stupid, of course I'll wait for you.'? Or did she go on and find someone better? Did the man accept whatever happened as what was meant to be?

Could Evan do that with Amy?

Taking a deep breath he got out of the car, pocketing his keys and ringing the bell in favour of just letting himself in like he usually did.

"Evan?" Amy frowned as she opened the door to see him standing there. Her blue eyes twinkled as she laughed. "Did you actually forget your keys?"

"Ah, no," Evan watched her absorb that, her presence just hitting him between the eyes, down to the heart. She was small and slight, her skin translucent - delicate, although she hated it when he called her that. She looked like the sun had touched her and left a permanent mark - in her shoulder length blonde hair, in the blush of colour that always came easily to her cheeks, and in the hints of sunshine that seemed to accompany every smile. She was beautiful, more than any woman he'd ever meet.

"You're being reassigned," Amy deduced abruptly, her eyes going flat. "Come in," she grabbed his hand, urging him inside. Once they were in her living room, sitting on her couch, she seemed to brace herself before she turned to him. "Tell me."

"There's a base ... it's only been in operation a year and it's remote, really remote," Evan explained. "And it's top secret - no calls in, no calls out."

"And they want you," Amy's lips trembled and she pressed them together for a moment before going on. "For how long?"

"Indefinitely," Evan admitted. "I'd get leave back home but probably not more than a couple of times a year."

Amy's eyes met his and he could almost see her brain ticking over as she joined all the dots. "Don't do this," she said firmly, jumping up and turning her back on him.

"Don't do what?" Evan demanded, getting up and taking her shoulders in his hands. Turning her around he leaned down a little, trying to get her to see what he saw so clearly. "Don't do the right thing and give you your freedom? Something I should have done years ago, if I hadn't been so busy being selfish!"

"You're not!" Amy glared at him. "I never did anything that I didn't want. Me, Evan. It was always my decision."

"Well maybe it shouldn't be," he shot back. "You're thirty two Amy. What are you doing wasting your best years on a guy who can't even be here seven days a week, let alone give you anything else you want?"

"Is that how you see it? As a waste?" Amy looked down at the ground and Evan felt the way she trembled.

"No!" Putting a hand to her cheek he drew her eyes back up to his. "God no - not for me. But you ... Amy, you could have so much more than someone who's gone more than he's here. Once I transfer that's gonna get so much worse."

"I don't want more," Amy said firmly.

"Well I do," Evan said sadly. "For you, I do. I want you to have someone who's here all the time, who can give you children, and support, and a future. Someone who'll put you first, who'll love you like you deserve to be loved."

"And that's not you," Amy commented blankly.

"No," Evan admitted starkly. This time he was the one to turn away, before he gave away how much it pained him to say it. Before he lost it from looking at her and seeing everything he couldn't have but suddenly wanted more than anything. "I'm leaving tomorrow and it'll be months before I can get back here. I can't ask you to wait for me, not this time."

"Evan," Amy put a hand on his back, soothing him. How did she do that? He was the one who'd come in with no warning and dumped his crap on her, and yet she was comforting him. "I just have one small question and then I'll tell you how I see this, okay?"

"Only one?" he turned, forcing a small smile as he looked at her. "Go on then ... ask your question."

"Do you love me?"

Evan's eyes locked with Amy's and he found that he couldn't look away. She saw through him - it wouldn't matter what he said because she knew the truth. "That was a low blow," he said grimly.

"Just answer the question."

"Fine, okay, yes I love you. I always have - since I was fifteen and you helped me deal with what happened to my Dad - it just took me too long to realise it. But it's not enough Amy - you have to see that!"

"I have never asked you to change for me Evan," Amy said forcefully. "Because to me it is enough ... having you in my life is enough. It's not like you're leaving me to go and gamble, or to slave at something insignificant or selfish. You're fighting for our country which means you're fighting for me. If anyone deserves to have someone wait for them, it's you."

"You'd see it differently if I just let you go," Evan persisted. "We've been at this for so many years Amy - if you had a chance to see what life is like without my presence hovering in the background you'd realise you could be happier."

"Not without you," Amy smiled then, surprising him again. "You're all I've wanted since I was old enough to appreciate that boys are different from girls. I was patient through all those years when you were too blind to see we could be more than friends. I went into this eyes wide open Evan - and I did everything in my power to catch you. You can bet your flyboy ass I'm not letting go now."

She made it sound like their relationship was some kind of battle campaign she'd waged. "But what about marriage - children - don't you want that too?" Lorne didn't like the way she'd clouded his thinking, exactly as he'd known she would. He should have sent her a message or something, impersonal as that was. He was kidding himself though - even then she would have found a way to confront him.

"Yes," Amy said simply, "but only if I can have them with you. Look, I know time is getting away from us a little here. I would have said something sooner if I'd known they could send you somewhere so isolated I couldn't talk to you. So, come and sit down, and I'll tell you what we're going to do."

"You know, you're pretty scary when you get all purposeful and strategic," Evan muttered, letting her take his hand and draw him back to the couch.

"A girl needs to do whatever it takes to keep her man," Amy teased. Pausing a moment she looked at him and then smiled sadly. "We stay together. You go wherever it is they're sending you," she held up a hand when he began a protest. "You write me lots of mushy letters telling me how much you love me, and I do the same."

He smiled, nodding, watching her intently as she took a deep breath. "And when you come home on leave, you marry me. You knock me up quick smart before you go back and then ...," she trailed off wistfully.

"And then you have a baby all by yourself?" Evan asked gently.

"If that's what it takes, yes," Amy agreed. "Hopefully they'll let you come home for that part. We have our family as soon as we can because it's the only part I can't put on hold. And then we have something precious for our future, for the time when you move on from this phase of your life and return somewhere I can follow."

"If I really love you Amy, how can I let you do that?" Evan took her hands, caressing the back of one of them with his thumb, his thoughts focussed internally. "How can I let you sign up for such a lonely existence - never having anyone here to share the burden or just offer you support when you really need it?" He didn't add that he wasn't sure it was in him to not be there for his children ... to miss things he'd never be able to get back.

"You're not letting me do anything," Amy said softly. "I have friends, and your Mom will help too. Besides, you make it seem like as soon as you're out of the picture I'll just go out and find someone else. I won't. I love you Evan ... and I knew a long time ago it was a forever thing. Whether you leave me today and never come back or whether you agree with my plan, this is the life I'll have. I'd rather have the promise of a life together in the future than nothing at all."

Evan sat, his mind racing from one thought to another and back again. Sinner or saint? The worst kind of man or the best? Selfless or selfish? Was it even about right or wrong?

As he thought, aware that Amy watched him patiently, the truth swept through him. It was neither. There was no right or wrong for them - there was just their life, together. It wasn't the one most people aspired to, but Amy was right. He could go to Atlantis tomorrow and never come back and it wouldn't change how he felt. Why should he think she was different? And suddenly he felt lucky instead of tormented by his circumstances. He'd found someone to love completely, and the miracle was that Amy loved him in the same way.

Smiling, he dropped off the couch onto one knee, amused when she frowned at him, clearly confused. 'Yeah, this isn't going according to your plan, is it honey?' he thought. Taking her hand he waited until she was looking into his eyes. "I love you Amy and it would make my life complete if you'd agree to marry me," he said simply, knowing it wouldn't matter to her that he didn't have a ring.

"Oh," Amy sighed, her eyes filling with tears. Laughing suddenly, she threw herself into his arms, knocking them both to the carpet. Rolling on top of him she pressed enthusiastic kisses to his lips, his cheeks, his chin. "Yes," she declared repeatedly.

Evan wrapped his arms around her, holding on even as he let himself get swept away on a tide of emotion. He wasn't fooling himself - it would be hard being separated, not knowing from one day to the next what was going on back home. Once they were married and a family on the way that would only get worse. But they'd weathered similar and come out strong enough to keep going. They would keep doing so – until he was needed back on Earth again on a permanent basis.

He'd come there to do the right thing by Amy and ended up finding a path for both of them, together. The option of leaving for her own good was gone now - he'd risked losing her and there was no way he would give either of them a second chance to mess up what they had.

The next day he boarded the Daedalus bound for Atlantis. The enlisted marines were laughing, teasing each other about 'getting some action' once they'd checked out the pickings at their new post. Lorne smirked slightly - that kind of thing had never been for him. He was a one woman man and that woman was Amy.

"You got a girl Sir?" one of the marines queried, emboldened by the audience of his peers.

Lorne shrugged evasively, thinking about the framed photo that was going on his bedside table. Yes, he had a girl, but he didn't want to share that fact with anyone, and not just because it would raise additional questions he didn't want to answer. He had to hold Amy close to his heart, make her his most closely guarded secret, or the separation would get to him too much. He wasn't sure how effective it would be, or how he was going to deal with not even being able to talk to her on a regular basis. Only time would tell.

One thing Lorne knew for sure though - that song had been wrong. Some things did last forever.

The End