A/N: For all those who have known love, even when it was unkind.

Amortentia

by Molly Raesly

Lily

Lily Evans was not particularly fond of James Potter. As a matter of fact, she disliked him immensely.

From the soles of his untied shoes to the tips of his unruly, dark hair, aversion was James Potter.

However, on the current blustery October morning, Lily Evans was not thinking about James Potter – or about anything at all.

Lily Evans was dreaming. Tucked soundly into the scarlet sheets of her four-poster bed, Lily exhaled softly into her pillow as silver thoughts swirled around in her subconscious.

The sun had risen, rose colored fingers crawling their way into the dawn purple sky. Traces of bright light gleamed through the gaps of the scarlet curtains surrounding Lily's bed; they flicked shadows onto her face and tickled her eyes into hazy consciousness. The precious seconds ticked by until the lively clanging of an alarm clock signaled that it was time to begin the day.

Quickly, Lily plucked herself from sleep and turned off the alarm. She flung the thick drapes away from her bed and welcomed the brilliant sun onto her anticipating face.

Carefully tiptoeing across the slightly cold mahogany floor as not to wake up the other girls still snoozing soundly in their warm beds, Lily entered the bathroom.

She spent approximately ten minutes in the shower – neither rushing nor indulging underneath the hot water. Then, towel securing her wet hair and dressed in her uniform skirt and blouse, she headed back into her dormitory as quietly as she had left it before.

"'Lo, Lily," Dorcas Meadows, a picture of bleary eyes and purple pajamas, greeted her lazily as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and scratched her poufy morning hair.

"Good morning, Dorcas," Lily replied back with a brilliant smile.

As more of the other sixth year Gryffindor girls emerged from their slumbers in varying degrees of drowsiness, Lily continued to prepare for the day.

She fastidiously rolled her black socks up to the same spot below each of her knees and buckled her black shoes after ensuring unquestionably that her scarlet and gold tie was exactly centered on her collar.

Next, she magically dried her hair, noting the way it lightened from a dark auburn to a fiery red as she did so. Once it was dry, Lily brushed out her long hair so that it hung calmly down her back.

Upon satisfaction with her appearance, Lily made her bed and then packed her schoolbag with the supplies and textbooks she would require for her lessons that day.

"Heading down to breakfast, Lily?" Mary MacDonald asked as she straightened out her skirt on her hips.

"Just about."

"I'll meet you down there in a few. Save me a few strips of bacon, would you?"

"Of course," replied Lily, who smoothed out her black robes and then secured her schoolbag over her shoulder and then left the dormitory.

Not many students were seated in the Great Hall when Lily arrived, though Dumbledore, his silver beard contrasting wonderfully against his deep violet robes, and all the professors were in their usual positions except for Hagrid, who was conspicuously absent. Lily knew from experience that the emptiness would fade quickly as the time grew nearer to the start of the first class of the day.

She picked an empty section along the long expanse of the Gryffindor table and unrolled her napkin. She chose a few slices of toast from a golden plate and meticulously spread strawberry jam across them as she took a sip of her pumpkin juice.

Slowly, the calm morning hush, of which Lily was extremely fond, disappeared as students began to arrive and boisterously began to eat and bewail the start of yet another day of lessons and the number of days left until the Christmas holidays.

Shortly after Lily had finished her second slice of toast, Mary arrived with her best mate Marlene McKinnon, yet another one of Lily's roommates.

"Morning, Lily," Marlene greeted her cheerfully while she and Mary sat down opposite of Lily. "Oh, kippers, lovely!" she added as she eyed the breakfast options. "I've had quite a hankering for them as of late. I swear I dreamed about them last night. Well, at least part of my dream was about them. The rest involved a professional Quidditch player and a very happy me."

Lily laughed, whisked a napkin off a golden plate, as though she was a magician revealing a rabbit from his hat, and offered Mary a plate of bacon.

"For me?"

"Yes. I had to duel several other Gryffindors for it."

Mary looked around at the lack of students and the ample supply of bacon located a few seats down. "Lily, you are my hero. However can I repay you?"

"Oh, just the usual eternal servitude will suffice."

"Cheers!" Mary touted as she held up a piece of bacon and then promptly ate it.

"Mmm," began Marlene sourly as she finished swallowing her swig of pumpkin juice. "I can't believe it's Wednesday. I simply detest Wednesdays."

"What's wrong with Wednesdays?" Lily asked with an amused chuckle as she eyed the misery in the brunette's blue eyes.

"Double Potions."

"I'm so glad I didn't pass that O.W.L. Hold on a tick, though, isn't Lily your new partner for that class?" Mary reminded Marlene.

"I am," Lily answered teasingly before Marlene could sputter out any defense. "For shame, wench!"

Marlene dramatically hung her head down in disgrace; however, she perked right up when she heard the flapping of wings. "Oh look! Post's here!"

Lily did not bother to look up at the rush of owls flooding the morning sky projected onto the great ceiling. After over five years at Hogwarts, she had finally gotten accustomed to the morning ritual so she occupied herself, instead, with stealing a piece of Mary's bacon when she wasn't looking.

"Oi!" Mary grumbled while attempting to simultaneously brush her curly blonde hair out of her eyes and slap Lily's hand away. "There's a whole plate over there," she argued grumpily with a gesture to where some younger boys were eating breakfast together.

Lily glanced over quickly. "I suppose," she mused cheekily. "But those won't taste as good as stealing from you does."

A crisp white envelope landed on Lily's plate. "Wicked! I hardly ever get post."

"That might be a good thing," commented Dorcas, whose dark hair looked as though it had endured a good brushing since seen last, as she slid into the spot directly on Lily's right. "At least you don't have your parents on your case all the time. I swear, one of these days, I'm just going to send them a pensieve with all my memories to get them to ruddy shut up."

"What about your little tryst last week with Caradoc Dearborn? Will you include that, as well?"

"Sod off, Marlene. Nothing happened."

From the dark pink blush that had formed on Dorcas's face, Lily assumed that Dorcas was not being entirely truthful, and she rolled her eyes as she ripped open her envelope. She tuned out the rest of the girls' conversation as she read her letter.

October 19, 1975

Dear Lily,

Thank you for the surprise with your last letter. You know how fond I am of that…blubberbeer? I am glad to hear that your lessons are going well. Your mother and I are very proud of your success. That being said, I'd like to remind you of my little dare for you. It won't kill you to get your knees dirty (or, more accurately, to get caught for doing so – I have a feeling you've mastered the art of misbehaving without punishment. You trick your mum and me all the time).

If we don't hear from you again before then, have a happy Halloween! Send our love to the other girls. Oh, and Petunia says "hello." She's very busy planning her engagement party. Luckily for you, you'll be at school for that (don't tell your mother I said that). I hope everything is going well! Has that boy still been bothering you?

Love and Miss,

Dad

Lily smiled and pocketed the letter.

"Good news?" asked Dorcas, whose complexion had nearly returned to its normal pale color.

Lily shrugged. "All news is good news, right?"

"Not in today's Prophet," countered Mary as she slammed the paper shut. "I'm ruddy sick of reading about the Ministry mucking things up."

"Isn't that always the case?" replied Marlene, laughing while she flipped some brown hair over her shoulder. "Speaking of malignant groups, has anyone seen our fellow Gryffindors?"

"More like cancerous," Lily muttered to herself in an undertone.

All of the girls except for Lily craned their necks to scan the Great Hall, now crowded with students clad in black robes, enjoying their breakfast, reading the newspaper, and even drowsing into their morning porridge, for the Marauders. Instead, Lily checked to see if Hagrid had arrived yet; it was not too difficult of a search because he was awfully large, Hagrid was. Unfortunately, he had never appeared. Lily wished he had, for she was hoping to visit Hagrid sometime soon in his hut and wanted to make sure he was available.

Noticing that the other girls were still searching for the boys, Lily rolled her eyes. "We would have heard them come in," she claimed wisely. "If Potter and Black are around, nothing is ever this calm and pleasant. Let's just hope something dreadful happened and head off to our lessons, shall we?"

"Lovely."

"I hate Hestia for not having to wake up this early."

"Ah, Dorcas, quit your muttering. Next year, we'll be seventh years, and we won't have to wake up early."

"We better not. I hate mornings."

"Yes, yes, we are all painfully aware."

"Lily, just so you know, I am in no condition to make a potion today."

"Don't worry, Marlene. I'll be fine, and if I'm not, I'll tell Slughorn I'll actually go to one of his ridiculous parties."

"Tart."

"Smart," Lily countered with a cheeky smile.

In actuality, only Lily and Marlene had to trek all the way to the blustery dungeons. Mary had Ancient Runes, and Dorcas was still, for reasons unfathomable to Lily, taking Divination.

There were only a few other sixth years in the classroom when Lily and Marlene arrived. One of them, whom Lily tried not to notice, was the boy Lily's father had referred to in his letter.

Although Lily had forgiven him for the events that had occurred during the previous year's O.W.L.s, Lily would not talk to him as long as he continued to consort with such an unsavory crowd, no matter how many times he had apologized.

Seated alone, Severus Snape turned his head minutely to the right, his hooked nose protruding just a bit too far in his profile, as Lily took her new seat next to Marlene. Because Lily did not have the ability not to notice, she wished very hard not to care.

A small part of her wanted to retake her old seat beside him. She missed her best friend. Lily had made more of an effort to include herself with the other girls in her year, but she never felt as though she could confide truly personal things – like her conflicting feelings about Severus or her complicated relationship with her older sister – in any of them. Dorcas had Hestia, and Marlene had Mary; Lily was just a standby who filled in when necessary. It wasn't that any of the girls were rude to her; in fact, they usually invited Lily to tag along to their trips to Hogsmeade or girls' nights. However, Lily still felt like an outsider intruding upon their clique. If she had wanted to become close with them, she should not have wasted five years of her life on him.

Lily was lonely, even if she did not like to admit it.

As Lily and Marlene took out their cauldrons and began preparing for the class, Professor Slughorn strode into the class, his rotund belly leading his way.

"Ahh, sixth years," he greeted them jovially. "Lovely, lovely. Wonderful day for making potions, isn't it, Miss Evans?"

Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes. While she did not strictly dislike Slughorn, who was a genial man whose strongest folly was his own fondness of luxury, his doting on her could get rather irritating. With nearly everyone in the class present, she often wondered why he had to constantly single her out – especially considering she was not the best potionmaker in the class. "Yes, sir," she replied sweetly. "Though, I would say that the weather is even more conducive to a nice walk around the lake."

Slughorn clapped his hands together as his smiled gleamed with delight. "Too right you are, Miss Evans. Sadly, though, we will be stuck here," he announced as he gestured to the grimy walls and dimmed lighting of the classroom. "Making the Draught of Peace!" he added momentously as he flicked his wand so that the ingredients appeared on the board behind him. "What do you say to that, Miss Evans?"

"Sounds peaceful, sir."

Slughorn laughed and ran his fingers over his mustache.

"What's that?" Marlene hissed in Lily's ear.

"Don't worry. It shouldn't be too difficult. We could have managed it last year."

Marlene nodded hesitantly as she, as well as Lily, pulled her hair up to protect it from any splashing accidents.

Slughorn went on for about ten minutes describing some of the uses and procedures for the potion. To Lily's displeasure, he often called on her, despite the fact that she had never raised her hand. Finally, he finished his spiel and sent them loose to concoct their potions.

"You'll find everything you need in the cupboards, except for the powdered unicorn horn. I've placed that on the counter here. Do try to use it sparingly. It's quite expensive. Oho!" Slughorn turned his greedy eyes away from the gold powder resting on the counter and onto the back of the classroom, where four breathless boys had just entered.

Lily looked over her shoulder to see who it was and then rolled her eyes, not caring about the fumbled excuses they were making to Slughorn about their tardiness, and focused her attention back on the long list of instructions listed in her copy of Advanced Potion Making. She wished that her copy, too, contained black scrawl in the margins.

"He's looking at you again," Marlene whispered to Lily slyly.

Lily glanced quickly in Severus's direction, but his nose was deep within his textbook as he read. "Who?"

"James," Marlene answered obviously.

Lily turned slightly to peer askance at him, but James had spun his head abruptly. Hiding her slight disappointment, she pursed her lips in her best impression of Professor McGonagall. "Do you want to get the syrup of hellebore, or should I?"

The rest of class passed by fairly quickly. There was only one incident in which Sirius had caused the entire classroom to fill with a thick, gray smoke. However, because, like Lily, Sirius knew that one could get away with quite a bit when Slughorn wanted dinner guests – especially from the missing Black in the set – he was not punished.

By the end of the second hour, Lily's potion was emitting a light gray vapor. It was not as silvery as the one floating from the brim of Severus's, but it would do. Even Marlene had managed to concoct a passable brew.

"Very good, Miss Evans," Slughorn lauded as he passed by her cauldron. "Best in class."

Lily knew that this wasn't true, but she allowed it anyway. "Thank you, sir."

"Still sure you weren't meant to be placed in Slytherin? We are known for being the best at Potions."

She smiled and undid her hair so that it fell back down her back. "No thank you, sir. The darker shade of green clashes with my eyes."

Slughorn chortled and winked at her. "We'll get you one day, Miss Evans. Now what have you got for me, Mr. Lupin?"

Lily's eyes strayed over to where Remus was sitting, and she saw Sirius and Peter talking to each other in hushed voices. She felt almost a stab of jealousy; she had never seen such close friends as those four boys.

"What do you reckon that's about?" Marlene asked.

Lily shrugged. "Dunno." She peeked over again and this time made eye contact with James.

He reached up for his hair but stopped himself right before he did, his hand settling on the back of his neck. James smiled at her; Lily quickly whipped her head back to the front of the room.

"You know, I really do think he likes you. I overhead him talking to Sirius about you a few days ago. Plus, he did ask you out at the end of last term, remember?"

Lily would have given quite a few galleons to forget. "He probably only did that as a dare."

"I dunno. He looked pretty shook up about it afterwards. Besides, how many blokes have the courage to ask a girl out in front of everybody?"

Lily desperately did not want to have this conversation. James Potter was like a virus, infecting everything around him. Lily knew that if she let him in once, she would never be free of him.

Still, sometimes she could not help herself. She found that even swapping insults with James could be more desirable than a normal conversation. At some point, she had bridged the gap between worrying about their next fight and craving it.

For when they fought, it was the only time Lily allowed herself to let herself go.

"Pity for Potter that I fancy girls, isn't it?" Lily joked lamely in a dull voice as she combed her red hair behind her ear.

"Don't even tease about that. I think it might just encourage him."

"Wouldn't want that," Lily mumbled as she stole another glance in his direction. While Lily could never forgive Severus, she had forgiven James.

She just wondered if she had should have.

Thankfully, at lunch, Marlene did not relay anything unrelated to the Draught of Peace to the other girls. Dorcas quickly monopolized the conversation with her antics with palm reading in Divination class. Thus, the topic of exchange quickly deterred away from lessons and onto hopes for the swiftly approaching Halloween feast, for which Lily was very grateful.

She was able to nod along to excited chatter about overgrown, orange pumpkins, lively bats that caused shrieks and screams, and loads and loads of creamy chocolate fondue while she picked out a sandwich from a stack on the table.

"Do you think the ghosts ever feel funny about Halloween?" Dorcas wondered aloud. "Like they should be spookier, too, yeah?"

"I reckon the Bloody Baron manages just fine on his own."

"Nah, he probably dons his bloodies robes for the occasion."

"Can the ghosts even change their clothes?"

"I'm going to put that in my list of random questions asked by Marlene right next to the one about how do mermaids have sex."

Lily joined the other girls in laughter at Mary's joke as she began to remove the lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese from her sandwich.

"Why do you always do that?" Marlene asked her. "It's been bugging me for years. You always take everything off your sandwiches.

Lily shrugged as she removed all traces of dressing from her turkey sandwich with her knife and then took a large bite. "I don't know. I just like it this way."

"Bizarre," Mary commented mildly before ripping off a piece of her own sandwich. "So do you reckon Dumbledore is going to get a band like he did last year?"

No one answered her because Sirius came over and plopped himself down two seats down from Lily, right next to Dorcas. "Afternoon, ladies," he greeted them with a grin.

They all murmured their replies with varying levels of enthusiasm for the Marauder.

"So I was just wondering if I could capture your attention for just a few moments. I –"

Lily stopped listening as Remus slid onto the seat to her left. "Sorry about him. He's being a prat."

Lily chuckled lightly. "It's expected. How are you? You look tired. Is everything okay with your mum? I heard she got sick again."

Remus nodded and fidgeted slightly in his chair. "Er, yeah, she's all right. She just had a bad head cold. She's okay now, though."

"That's good. I hate to see you miss so many classes."

The boy forced his features into a smile that did not quite reach his blue eyes.

Lily stared at him in puzzlement until Dorcas leaned slightly against her as Sirius reached over them for a napkin.

"Excuse me," he apologized quickly with a fleeting glance down the table.

Remus stared at Lily uneasily. His fists were clenched at his sides.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Remus looked over Lily's head and then back at her. "Yes, I'm fine. Sorry. I'm distracting you from your food. Keep eating."

Lily shrugged and took a drink from her pumpkin juice. It tasted a bit like the sweet tea her mum used to make for her on lazy summer days when she would sit on her front porch swing and enjoy the warmth of the hot sun.

"James!"

Upon Sirius's very loud exclamation, Lily put her goblet down and looked up to see James, who had just arrived.

He was talking to someone, but Lily could not make out the words he was saying. Sounds began to rush around her ears, and the only thing that made sense was the spark of his hazel eyes hidden behind his wire-rimmed spectacles. It was as though all the light in the room had been drawn to him so that he was only thing that glowed amidst the dim.

"Lily?"

Lily shook her head and turned her attention back to Remus, who looked as though he was fading into the brick wall behind him. She blinked at him momentarily as her eyes regained focus. "Sorry. I just lost my concentration for a bit. What were you saying?"

Remus grinned the same hollow twitch of his lips. "Nothing important. We better go. We have Transfiguration soon."

Remembering who she was, where she was, and what she ought to be doing, Lily nodded. "Right. We better not be late for McGonagall. She won't be as forgiving as Slughorn."

"Ouch. Right to the heart."

Lily chuckled. "Your own fault for consorting with scoundrels."

"Yes, well, we all have our vices."

Unfortunately for Lily, Transfiguration was the only class she had in which the Marauders sat in front of her. Lily was never sure why they all chose to sit in the center of the very first row of desks.

Perhaps it was because they knew McGonagall was the one professor that stood resilient to their usual array of charms and tricks. Perhaps it was because they were trying to get on her good side so that she would protect them in case they got caught in their latest scheme. Perhaps it was because James was very good at Transfiguration.

Nevertheless, seated directly behind a head of very messy dark hair that stuck up naturally in the back, Lily wished they had chosen seats farther back.

McGonagall's voice sounded muted, as though a muffliato charm had been casted. Lily watched James roll up the sleeves to his white uniform shirt and scratch down a few lecture notes. His arms looked brown still from the summer. Lily idly wondered how hers would compare if she placed their arms together.

Lily shook her minutely to remove the odd thoughts from her head. She must not let thoughts of James distract her. Potter is a prat, she reminded herself, reinforcing words she often repeated.

Focusing her attention back to the front of the room, she realized that McGonagall had already progressed beyond the theory of switching spells and was explaining the proper wand movement.

Hastily, Lily looked down at her parchment. She had not written a single note. Instead, her sheet was filled with pointless doodles of flowers that looked more like snitches than her usual blossoms.

Her jaw set, Lily compelled herself to listen to what McGonagall was saying without anymore distraction.

"You want to be extremely exact with your wrist. Many students fail to perform the spell properly because they attempt to exert the spell with their elbow. Remember that a spell's difficultly level does not mean that it requires any overt movement; rather, more subtlety is usually the key. Observe."

Lily watched as McGonagall took out her wand and flicked her wrist in a meticulous, circular manner. She started jotting down notes, but when she looked up again, she noticed that James had removed his glasses and set them down next to him.

Lily had never seen James without his glasses on before. Though she did not know Legilimancy, she tried to urge him to turn around telepathically. She speculated about whether she would prefer him with or without them. Although she would never admit it, Lily did rather like the way James looked with glasses; they suited him in a way, the way they framed his angular face and accentuated his intelligence combined with a dash of roguishness. However, she imagined that James's hazel eyes without any barriers must be quite a sight to behold.

"Miss Evans?"

Startled, Lily started in her chair. When she focused her gaze, she realized that she the messy hair she had been staring at had disappeared. She raised her eyes to see the irate, prim face of McGonagall. The witch's arms crossed over her dark emerald robes, Lily had never seen McGonagall's lips turn so thin while her gaze was directed at her. That look was usually reserved for Sirius.

"Yes, Professor?" Lily asked weakly. She tried not to notice the stares of her peers. Nevertheless, she could slowly feel red heat creep onto her face. Lily was not accustomed to getting scolded by teachers.

"Kindly stop daydreaming and join your partner to begin practicing switching spells."

Lily stood up hurriedly. Panicked, she realized that she had probably been blatantly ignoring McGonagall for a few minutes. "Right." She grabbed her wand and looked around the room. Her stomach fell when she knew that she had to ask McGonagall another question. "Um, Professor, would you mind – "

"Over here, Lily!" a voice called from her right. Lily looked over to see Remus gesturing to her.

Overwhelmed with gratitude, Lily rushed over to the right side of the room to join him.

"Perhaps you could help your fellow prefect with the spell, Mr. Lupin? And Miss Evans, as this is not the behavior I usually expect from you, I will let you off with just a warning. However, do not make the mistake of inattention in my class again. I do not abide such disrespect from my N.E.W.T. students."

"Yes, Professor. I'm very sorry. It won't happen again," Lily replied with a culpable nod of her head.

She could feel tears beginning to swell in her eyes. Because of its rarity, Lily positively abhorred when teachers reprimanded her. McGonagall had not been very cruel; she had not even taken away house points. Yet, Lily was not the type to require detentions or restriction of privileges. As the professor Lily respected above all, McGonagall set exactly the punishment that what would affect Lily the most: her tone – it was laced in disappointment.

"Are you okay, Lily?" Remus asked with concern.

Lily nodded and blinked away her tears. "I'm fine," she answered stiffly. "Let's start practicing."

Lily spent the rest of Transfiguration class mentally berating herself for her conduct. She vowed to read the whole chapter on switching spells later that night so that she would be better prepared for class on Friday.

Luckily, her last lesson of the day, Arithmancy, went much better than Transfiguration. No Marauders took that class, so Lily had a much easier time concentrating. After neatly writing down her assignment in her planner, Lily collected her books and left the classroom.

"Lily!"

She turned to see Benjy Fenwick jogging up to her. "Hello, Benjy."

"Hey! How'd you think class went?"

"All right, I suppose," she said as she adjusted her schoolbag so that it rested more comfortably on her shoulder.

"The numbers have me completely lost," he said as he ran his fingers through his dark blond hair in a familiar gesture. "But I'm sure you're fine, brilliant as you are. Do you think you could help me?"

Lily gazed at his anticipating brown eyes. "I dunno," she teetered, her mind jumping to the Transfiguration homework she had waiting for her. "I'm kind of busy."

"It's okay! It can wait. What do you say to next weekend?"

"Isn't that a Hogsmeade visit?"

Benjy grinned, the sunlight of the nearby window glinting off of his very straight and white teeth. "Yeah, it is. I forgot. Hey! How about I buy you a drink from the Three Broomsticks, and we can study together for a bit?"

Lily adjusted her bag again. As nice and attractive as Benjy and his leer was, Lily just could not bring herself to pursue a relationship with him. "Sorry," she said quickly. "I've already got plans," she lied. "Maybe I can help you sometime next week. I'm usually in the library after dinner."

His lively face fell. "Okay," he agreed reluctantly. "I'll see you later, Lily," he added with a bit more eagerness.

Lily nodded as she returned his wave with less enthusiasm. She did not know what was wrong with her. Benjy was a perfectly nice bloke. Why did a date with him sound as unappealing as one with the giant squid?

Her head buzzing with unwanted thoughts, Lily decided to go to the owlery before returning to the Gryffindor tower so that she could reply back to her father and hopefully regain her frail grasp on her sanity.

As she was walking, she felt a deep chill seep through her bones – the feeling that she had often read about how it felt to be among a dementor. Only, of course, Lily reasoned to herself, dementors were not allowed inside Hogwarts. Dumbledore would never allow it. She looked around to make sure.

"Oh, hello, Nick!"

"Miss Lily Evans," Nearly Headless Nick replied with a topple of his almost severed head. "Fancy you walking through me."

Lily bit her lip so as not to laugh. "I'm very sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going."

"Or into whom you were trespassing," he added with a laugh. His face softened when he saw the worry in her green eyes. "It's really quite all right, Lily. No harm done to the already deceased."

Lily nodded as she tried to crack a smile. "I really am sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I haven't been myself." Lily tried to relax, but she still felt dozens of emotions rush through her simultaneously, as though she had become a human dam.

"Neither have I," he agreed, his joke failing to remove the solemnity of his words. "Well, have a nice day."

Lily waved at him. "You too, Sir Nicholas."

When Lily arrived at the owlery, she was relieved to find that it was empty except for the massive array of birds. She picked a small stone corner and huddled down onto the wooden floor before she authored a reply back to her father.

She wrote about the upcoming Halloween festivities and her recent school activities. She told him not to fret about Severus Snape anymore – for truly the boy seemed like a distant memory locked away in her mind – and wished her father and her mother well. Lily also returned Petunia's greeting, though she knew that her father had probably only written that to spare Lily's feelings; she and Petunia had not had a genuine conversation in over a year – ever since Petunia got engaged.

Lily decided not to include anything about today's oddities. Her emotions probably had more to do with last night's chocolate pudding than anything else.

Satisfied with her letter, Lily placed it into a properly addressed envelope. She coaxed one of the handsome, brown school owls over to her and tied the letter to its leg. After a few strokes of its silky feathers, the bird took off.

Lily watched as it flew out of sight. She looked down and watched the students lounging around the lake. Her eyes found a boy with dark, messy hair next to the large birch tree, and she quickly averted her gaze, collected her belongings, and left the owlery.

"Vice versa."

Her hands on her hips, Lily waited expectantly for the Fat Lady to open the portrait hole. Oddly, however, the Fat Lady turned away her head, as though she had not heard Lily.

Lily repeated the password to the same undesired result. Her arms flopped to her sides, and she bit her lip. "Umm, excuse me, er, F – " she started but tactfully decided she did not want to sway someone by calling them fat. "Well, you know me. I'm Lily Evans. I've been living here for over five years. I'm a prefect." When the assertion of authority failed to produce any change, Lily switched tactics. "Could you please open the entrance? I know the password. It's vice versa. It hasn't been changed, has it? That was the password this morning."

The Fat Lady rolled her eyes and finally stopped staring off into space and looked down at Lily. "Yes, it is the password. But would it kill any of you to ever be nice to me and ask how I am instead of demanding entrance? The rudeness is insufferable."

"Oh, er, right….uh, how are you?" Lily offered lamely.

With a great huff of annoyance, the Fat Lady swung open.

Lily murmured a quick word of thanks and climbed through the threshold into the Common Room.

After a few steps, Lily collided with a very solid figure. "Oof!" Lily exclaimed as pain shot through her right shoulder.

"Oh, excuse me," a familiar voice apologized gruffly without even pausing to stop.

Annoyed, Lily whipped her head around to see messy hair disappear out of Gryffindor Tower. She swallowed her affronts instantly.

Although he had not asked her out since last year, James Potter was never one to miss an opportunity to talk to Lily. He always had some witticism to share or some reason to boast. He had never just ignored her before.

And even though Lily had been publically craving his absence for years, she suddenly felt extremely putout that he had not greeted her with the usual "All right, Evans" and cocksure grin.

"Mental," Lily muttered to herself under her breath. "I'm going completely mental."

Shaking her head, she walked up the girls' staircase to her dorm.

Lily threw her black robes and her schoolbag onto her trunk. The physical action felt good so she decided to ditch her tie and unbutton her shirt a bit, as well. In defiance she was liberated. She collapsed onto her four-poster bed, as though she had been hit by a body-bind jinx, and stared up at the ceiling.

Unmoving, she watched the ceiling for a few minutes before Mary and Marlene came out of the bathroom.

"I'm telling you," said Mary, sounding completely confident, "the makeup does make a difference when you actually put it on the right way. Honestly, Marlene, who taught you how to put on foundation, a geisha?"

"Ugh! I have three brothers, okay! Three! Leave me bloody alone."

Mary laughed. "Fine, fine. You look really good now, though."

"Really?"

"Yes, you dolt! Oi, corpse of Lily! Doesn't Marlene look good?"

"Huh?" Lily hummed, still flat on her back.

"I think she's still moping about Transfiguration class," Marlene whispered in too loud of a voice.

"Yeah," Mary hissed back. "That was rough, and Lily's not used to getting yelled at."

"You know, I can hear both of you."

"Brilliant! Say, Lily, get up! We're going down for dinner. You should come with us. It's not healthy to do whatever it is that you're doing."

"And, besides, I'm completely peckish," added Marlene.

Lily's stomach gurgled. Food would be welcomed.

"I think it would be the manticore."

"Are you mental?"

"Not that I know of. Loads of other people today seem to be on my side. Hestia's little sister Stella, Dorcas, and Benjy, they all agree with me. Seriously, Marlene, the manticore is the obvious choice.

"You are completely off your rocker. The chimaera would destroy a manticore in a fight. I've heard far more people are with me. The talk has been going on all day, and the verdict is decidedly for the chimaera. Its eggs are classified as Class A Non-Tradable Goods."

"Yeah, well, so are my lips, but that doesn't mean they're dangerous – well maybe for some blokes."

"Mary, you are incorrigible. Besides, only one wizard has ever slain a chimaera before, and he died in the process."

"That was only because he fell off his winged horse," Lily interrupted the chatter finally.

The other two girls, still energized from their heated debate turned to gape at Lily, as though they had forgotten she was there.

Though, seeing as Lily had been wordlessly staring at her plate for the last ten minutes, she could hardly blame them.

"I think the manticore would win," she offered lamely to try to assuage the awkwardness.

"Aha!" cheered Mary jovially as she pumped her fist into the air. "You are outnumbered, my friend."

"We'll just wait and see on the final tally," Marlene replied grumpily as she stuffed a forkful of potato into her belligerent mouth.

"Witness my victory," Mary snickered before popping a cherry tomato into her mouth. "And it tastes like triumph."

"Oh, shut it, you ruddy slag," Marlene grumbled.

Mary smirked and tossed another tomato into her mouth while looking over to the girl seated to her left. "Lily, are you really only going to eat dessert for dinner?"

The redhead shrugged as she moved her treacle tart across her plate with her fork. "I guess. Tart is healthy. It's got, uh, sugar in it."

"She's delirious," Marlene declared. "I knew it. Don't worry, Lily. I've been told off by McGonagall loads of times. It's nothing to dwell on."

"Honestly! That woman would find fault with perfection. She'd probably say it was too perfect, or some rubbish like that."

"Too right."

Lily nodded.

"You do look fairly peaky, though," Mary observed. "Do you want us to take you to go see Madame Pomfrey?"

"Trust me, you do not want to be anywhere near the Hospital Wing now," advised Hestia Jones, as she and Dorcas slid into the seats next to Marlene.

"Why not?"

"James took a bludger to the head during practice. Normally, I don't mind his antics, but the git is going to get himself injured before our next big match. He had to cancel practice. He was headed to go see Madame Pomfrey last time I saw him."

Rooted to her seat, Lily stared at Hestia in rapt attention.

"Is he going to be okay?" Marlene asked before Lily could even process the words.

"Yeah, he'll be fine. He's got Sirius with him. Don't think we'll be going over our new strategy any time soon, though."

Dorcas frowned as she cut her ham. "What I don't understand is why he got hit in the first place. I mean, James has great reflexes. He's our captain for Merlin's sake. Shouldn't he have, I dunno, ducked?"

Hestia snorted into her pumpkin juice. "It's the oddest thing. He seemed really off. Kept going on about some girl."

"Well, that's not really a surprise. James has fancied Lily for a while. We all know. Remember last year when – "

"That's the funny thing, though. I don't think he was talking about Lily. He kept going on about blue eyes."

"Huh, well, perhaps he's moved on."

"Maybe he got tired of hearing how big of a toerag he was."

"Possibly. All I know is, whoever she was, Potter was acting like one lovesick pup. It was nauseating, if you ask me. Looks like there's a Marauder off the market."

Bang.

Lily jumped as she felt something wet splash onto her face.

"Lily!"

Hastily, Lily grabbed her napkin and began to dry up the pumpkin juice seeping over the table and onto her lap.

"Oh, it's in your hair!"

The other girls frantically began shoving their napkins in her direction as they tried to help her.

Feeling claustrophobic and overwhelmed, Lily abandoned her napkin and grabbed her schoolbag instead. She stood up from the table. "Sorry," she mumbled. "I have to go."

Lily rushed out of the Great Hall as quickly as her legs could carry her, like a small child fleeing from a scary monster.

She ran into the first girls' bathroom she could find and shoved her head into one of the sinks.

She rinsed out all of the pumpkin juice from her hair and then flung her head backwards, allowing the water to spray everywhere.

Lily examined herself in the water splattered mirror before her. She focused on her panicked, feral green eyes and willed herself not to cry. She established an impassable wall, and the more she concentrated, the more she was able to regain control.

Hands gripping the sides of the white, porcelain sink, Lily took a few deep breaths to relax. Her heart rate steadied, and her face began to feel less clammy.

Still shaking slightly, Lily left the bathroom and sought sanctuary – in the library.

Lily meandered all the way through the library, past students whispering quietly to themselves, poring over books, and scribbling out essays, until she reached an abandoned corner of the library with a lone table waiting for her. Amidst the musty dust and the stuffy, ancient scent of the books, Lily began to feel like herself again.

Lily took out her copy of Guide to Advanced Transfiguration and flipped to the chapter on switching spells.

As she read in comfortable silence in the warm, cozy nook of the library with her legs pulled up against her chest, Lily's hair dried, forming wavy, untamed curls.

Halfway through the chapter, Lily heard a rustling and looked up. While she didn't see anything, she heard what sounded like two girls giggling behind one of the many stacks. Lily scooted around in her chair and tried to ignore their eager, whispering voices.

"How did you hear?"

"I didn't hear anything. I saw it with my own two eyes. I skived off of Charms and spent the afternoon by the lake."

"Ugh! I'm so jealous."

"You totally should be. It was so intense!"

"Really? What happened? Is it true?"

"Completely. James Potter was definitely hitting on Tara. Can you imagine?"

"Ugh. But she's in Hufflepuff, and she's not even that pretty."

"And she's only a fourth year. How awful. If he was going to fancy anyone, why couldn't it be me?"

"But I thought he fancied that redheaded girl?"

"Not anymore, apparently! I've heard a rumor that he's asked Tara to marry him."

"What the hell?"

"I know. It threw me for a loop, too. Maybe it's a Pureblood thing. You know, the Potters are one of the oldest wizarding families."

"Yeah, but why did he pick Tara McCoy?"

"She is the Hufflepuff seeker. Perhaps they bonded."

"That's rubbish. I could play Quidditch."

"You fall flat on your face just walking on solid ground."

"Shut it. I could learn. Besides, doesn't Tara already have a boyfriend?"

"I heard she's dating some bloke from Ravenclaw. It's so unfair that some girls get multiple boys lusting after them and the rest of us get nothing."

"Agreed. Destiny is a fickle bitch."

"Yeah, for Lily Evans."

Lily slammed her textbook closed when she heard the two girls start to giggle. She packed up her belongings and stomped away. As she passed the two girls, she sent them a frosty glare. However, as she continued to stare at them, eat filled her, and she felt like she was seeing flames. "I do not like James Potter, and I never will," she hissed at them.

The two girls stared at Lily as she huffed angrily, which only made them giggle harder.

Furious, Lily stormed out of the library and into the corridor nearby the Great Hall.

"And her hair!" Lily heard someone say.

She knew the voice. It belonged to James Potter. Frenetically, Lily whipped her head around to try to find the source of the sound. The corridor was empty.

"Padfoot, have you ever seen such pretty gold hair before? It's like butterscotch, but silver like the moon at the same time. How does hair even do that?"

Heaving for air, Lily broke out into a full sprint and did not stop running. As her black heels pounded against the stone marble floor, each with a thud, thud, thud, Lily decided she was going insane.

It was the only plausible explanation.

And with that comforting knowledge of her looming madness, Lily stopped running and began to laugh uncontrollably in the middle of an empty corridor. Her socks bunched around her ankles after the run, Lily's bare knees gave way, and she hunched over in hysterics. She laughed until her stomach ached from the movement.

"Password?"

Lily looked up; she had reached the Gryffindor Tower. Ignoring the perplexed look on the Fat Lady's face, Lily let out a few last chuckles and wiped away moisture from her eyes.

"Vice versa."

Upon discovering that all the girls in her dorm had stopped talking as soon as she entered, Lily decided she could not collapse onto her bed and wish the day away like she wanted but rather she should go downstairs into the Common Room for an hour until it would not seem that out of character for her to go to bed.

She grabbed some knitting needles and yarn to keep her occupied.

Lily had never knitted before in her life; she only had the needles because her Great Aunt had given it to her two birthdays ago, and they still happened to be in her school trunk.

So, unable to concentrate well enough to do school work and unwilling to let her mind wander, Lily busied herself trying to learn how to knit in an armchair by the fire.

She was awful at it. A symptom of Lily's perfectionism was that she rarely had time for frivolous hobbies.

Cursing and hissing under her breath, Lily pricked her fingers and tangled yarn as she attempted to create something – anything – from the yarn.

However, no matter how much blood her fingers lost, Lily was tremendously grateful for the distraction.

She did not have to think about James Potter or his unruly hair. She did not have to put up with his incessant attempts to capture her attention or his recent decision not to do so. She did not have to think about what it would be like to reach up and kiss him and tangle her fingers into his dark hair like needles and yarn.

In fact, Lily was so consumed actively not thinking about James Potter, that when she saw him stumble into the Common Room, she nearly dropped her knitting in surprise.

He was laughing a frenzied, fanatic sort of laugh that was mixed between a wheeze and a giggle. His eyes were bright, as though he had had too many firewhiskeys, and he kept needing Sirius's assistance to stay upright.

Lily watched him say something she could not hear and saw a young dirty blonde girl follow the boys through the Common Room.

James, obviously pleased by this, continued to wave his arms in her direction, but Sirius held him back.

Lily watched him swat Sirius's arms away and throw his arm around the girl's shoulder.

Immediately, Lily wanted to stab one of her knitting needles in the girl's eye.

His face looked blissfully euphoric as he held onto the girl. His smile was sloppy, and his eyes were adoring.

Watching the pair, Lily felt a debilitating tightness in her chest, almost as if someone had his hand around her heart and was crushing it within his palm. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to watch. It hurt to feel. It hurt to be.

He was hugging her now.

Lily could see the tips of his dark hair leaning over the girl.

They separated slightly, and, as though the movement was happening so that each second lasted a full summer's day, Lily saw James lean down to kiss her.

The tightening in Lily's chest exploded, and she felt the red hot lava burst through her veins, destroying her from the inside.

She bolted off of her seat and ran towards the portrait hole. Her hair was in wild tangles, her skirt was rising with every bound, and her socks had fallen once more; Lily was in utter shambles, but she did not care. She just needed to escape.

Lily could hear someone calling her name behind her, but she did not turn around. She was a footstep away from exiting when she sensed something hit her back. The sensation cooled the scorching lava, and her knees collapsed.

As her head hit the floor, Lily could see nothing but impenetrable darkness, and she welcomed it and allowed it to consume her.

A/N:

Confused? Wonderful!

The next chapter will explain more.

Yours,

Molly