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Most people can't remember their dreams; but Shizuo has to force himself to forget.

He's lost count of how many times he's been pulled into consciousness, body automatically moving to sit up just like people do in the fucking movies, when they have a nightmare. He'd be sweaty and and crowded, alone in the dark, and panting lightly to himself as though he'd just run some kind of marathon. The room would feel all too small, and he hated how stereotypical the scene always played out to be.

Push it back - don't think about it - push it back push it back push it back push it back...

His fingers would grip his blankets and sheets at his sides, and he would squeeze his eyes shut or blink rabidly in hopes of relieving the horrid images from his mind. He'd feel a bit choked and his chest would hurt, and it would be far too early in the morning for him to wake up now. So; once he has forcefully pushed everything back – once he's locked it all away in that carefully crafted safe at the back of his mind, he would slowly lay back down and pull his blanket up until it reached his chin.

The illusion of comfort.

Shizuo would let out a shaky exhale; staring blankly up at his ceiling while he wills his body to calm itself. Brows would furrow as he'd let his mocha eyes slide close.

He'd focus on something else – a fantasy world of some kind. Think about his favorite show or book; play out the images in his head to a much lighter degree. Anything to keep his attention off of the graphic horror that nagged at the back of his mind; tugging and pulling at the restraints he'd so attentively constructed, almost as if it all wanted to be released.

The choking feeling wouldn't leave his throat; pent up guilt and sadness that was pressed down too far was still threatening to bubble up.

"Don't think about it," he would whisper to himself in the dark, letting his thoughts creep into lighter scenarios and subjects. Thinking about that stupid cartoon that Kasuka liked to watch; 'Vampire Ninja Kaamina Saizou' – thinking about the latest episode and how the main character had fought off the bad guy and saved the beautiful damsel in distress. It was better than facing reality.

It would be enough to make him forget; even if it was temporary.

Then his thoughts would shift to the beach; waves shifting and calming in the cool, crisp air. He could practically taste the salt from the surf, and feel the warm sand against his skin. It was his sanctuary – the place that he could disappear to without a sense of remorse or hesitation; the place where he could be alone as he stares out at the never ending horizon that meets with the sky for a beautiful mixture of blues.

Then – those blues would quickly change into a set of pale eyes.

He would hear the sickening crack of bones.

We would see that splash of blood that mixes with water.

He'd hear that frantic screaming.

He'd find himself crying in the middle of the night before he even realized what was happening.

Then, he would forget why he was upset in the first place.

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sheltered here from everyone

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He can't feel anything.

That's the first thing that registers in his mind as he's once again pulled awake. Something inside of him says that he'd been drugged to the teeth with sedatives to keep him from lashing out again; but that might have just been the voice to his right. Someone's telling him that he's been out for a good day and a half, and that sounds about right given the stiffness in his joints and muscles. Like reawakening the dead.

Letting out a small groan, he turns his head a little bit so his gaze can focus on the shock of straight khaki blond hair that frames a boyish face; the owner of which is leaning in just enough that Shizuo can see him properly. Blinking a few times to focus a little more, Shizuo stares at the other male until his mind clears just enough that he can finally hear what the other is saying.

His body feels like it's being held down his lead weights, and his mind is so calm and clear and he thinks that this is what zombies must feel like. There was nothing in him; no anger, guilt, happiness, or caring – he was just complacent. He was just there. Despite how his body is reacting to his supposed medication; Shizuo still manages to pull himself up into a sitting position so he can turn to look at the male at his bedside.

"-nyway; my name is Kida! What's your name?"

Kida looks much younger than him; somewhere in his mid to late teens, and he's got a friendly smile that lights up his entire face. His eyes are the same khaki color that his hair is; but there are visible brown roots which mean his hair has been bleached just like his own. Kida seems eager and happy, and Shizuo can see a bed identical to his own behind the other male. One quick look around told him he was in a new sort of room; that this must be his place in the ward that Shinra had told him about.

This was the wing meant for Suicide Watch.

The walls are a pale, creamy shade that matches the bedsheets; everything dyed the same color as though it's supposed to be soothing. Shizuo opens his mouth to speak, and he's instantly reminded that his throat is still in shreds – still damaged from that fact that he had slit it barely over a week ago.

"Shi-...iz...uo..." He tries, reaching a tanned hand up to prod at the bandaging around his neck. It doesn't hurt at all; everything in him is numb and distant, but his throat still doesn't seem to want to work. Shizuo want's to be pissed off about it, but he can't seem to find any hint of will for aggression. He hates his medication already.

"Ah, 'Shizuo', huh?" Kida asks with a simple smile, not at all put off by the older male's struggle for words. "Glad to meet my new roommate!" He holds his hand out in a sort of greeting form, and Shizuo can the the thick lining of scars running down the insides of the teens arms; deep marks that span from the base of his palm and up to his elbow. The scars look old in retrospect, and Shizuo has to blink before he takes in the form of recognition and shakes the other blonds hand.

He's not sure what to make of this situation, but Kida doesn't seem at all fazed by his disposition as he tugs Shizuo up, gently pulling him into a standing position that clearly displays their ratio in size. The older is taller by a good half of a foot, but Kida just grins happily up at him before he starts to tug him towards the open door of their shared room.

"Come on – Shinra told me to bring you to him when you woke up. This place really isn't all that scary, so don't let it get to you," the younger blond advises as he leads Shizuo out into the hallway. "They only really get tough on you if you lash out, so just try and keep yourself in check. Though... I think it'd be easier for you, seeing as they got you doped up. Oh! So, I've been here for about nine days, but this is my fourth visit over the past year. I've got this place pretty well figured out; so you can ask me about anything. I'm not the most senior out of all of us, that title belongs to either Aoba or Izaya. They've both been here off and on, but they always stay in the Psych Ward for a few months at a time. I heard that they've actually spent more time in here, than they have out in the real world.

"Aoba can be a bit mean, but if you leave him alone then he'll leave you alone. No one really knows just how long he's been here exactly, because he himself won't say. He's actually the youngest out of all of us – he's only fourteen!" Kida says; talking on and on to the taller blond at his side who merely follows him quietly and apathetically.

Shizuo, in hindsight, is having trouble identifying his emotions because it seemed like he didn't have any. The washed white colors of the walls around them matched what he felt on the inside.

Just – blank.

"Stop talking about me, Kida!" Comes a yell from down the hall; there is a line of doors on each side that no doubt lead to the rooms of fellow in-patients. A raven haired teenager pokes his head out from an open door near the end of the hall, bright blue eyes narrowed in a threatening manner, but his cute and girlish face does nothing to make him seem intimidating.

"I don't know what you mean, Aoba! I was just talking with my new pal here; you obviously must be hallucinating people saying your name." Kida calls back to the raven, a grin plastered on his lips as he's met with an icy glare from the teen in question. The raven waits a few beats before retreating back into his room, and Kida looks up to Shizuo with an accomplished demeanor. He continues to chatter on about something that the older blond deems unimportant as they walk steadily down the hall that opens up into a larger room near the end.

Shizuo can't help but notice the way that all of the doors to the patients room are open – all except for one, which is latched shut. He's almost tempted to voice his curiosity to the younger teen at his side, but he decides instead to keep it to himself. It's embarrassing to try and talk with his throat all fucked up, anyway. He makes sure to avoid looking into the tiny window on the closed door as they pass. Kida finally stops talking when they reach the end of the hall; Shizuo wants to find his seemingly constant blabber annoying, but it doesn't seem to bother him enough to react.

Something that was a bit questionable to him was why Kida was here. This was the section of the Psych Ward meant for all of those who had attempted suicide, and were on watch to prevent a second time from coming about. Evidently Kida had made the action to end his life; but yet he was to fucking happy, Shizuo didn't understand the logic behind his reasoning for the action. It makes him wonder if it was all an act; if the younger teen was pretending to be okay like he'd seen people do so many times before.

There's a rather wide desk with a male and female standing behind it as one writes on some open documents, and the other types away on a computer. Shizuo recognizes the male as doctor Shinra, though his female companion he has yet to know. She looks rather beautiful with red-brown shoulder-length hair, and emerald green eyes. He trails his eyes down from her face only to zone in of a thick and jagged scar at wraps around her neck in plain view.

"Hey, Shinra! I brought your package, as requested!" Kida says cheerfully as they approach the elongated residential desk. The blue-eyed brunet in question looks up with a kind smile.

"Ah, thank you very much, Masaomi," Shinra coincides with a nod. "you can leave me to handle it."

Kida gives the man a mock salute with a brief 'yessir!' before he turns back around and heads back down the hall from which he originally came, humming some upbeat tune to himself. Shizuo remains rooted to his spot at he stares contemplatively at the doctor he'd become acquainted with.

Shinra circles around the desk until he's standing before the blond; expression just as warm and caring as always, though, Shizuo could see something ticking and calculating behind his blue eyes. Like he was reading him expertly in a secretive fashion; it made him wonder just how smart the doctor really was underneath that playful exterior.

"It's good to see you up and about, Shizuo." Shinra affirms as he leans a bit on the desk to address the female resident who continued to type on her computer. "Ne, Celty – could you hand me that?"

Celty turns her head to give him a sharp glare at being interrupted from her work, but she remains silent as she gives him a hand-held whiteboard with an attached non-toxic marker. Shinra turns his attention back to Shizuo just as quickly as the woman goes back to her work, and he lifts the dry-erase-board for the blond to see.

"It'll be another week or so before you'll be able to start talking regularly without your throat holding you back. So, until then – you can use this to say whatever you need to say." Shinra explains as the younger male lightly takes the offered item with a bit of reluctance. He felt so fucking pathetic; having to write on some board just to communicate. Why the hell couldn't they just leave him to die?

"Something wrong?" The brunet doctor questions when he takes notice of Shizuo's rather dark look. The blond blinks in response before shaking his head with a small sigh. An obvious lie.

Shizuo holds the whiteboard down at his side with a hint of resignation, and Shinra studies his face for a moment as though looking for something the blond was keeping hidden. Waiting a beat or two, the brunet gives a curt nod as if to himself, before breaking out into another kind smile.

"Okay! Well, if you follow me I'll show you around this place."

He follows mechanically as Shinra makes to walk. The nurses station is located at the edge of a wide open area; which only serves to lead into a series of different rooms – all of which have opened doors just like in the in-patients hall behind them. Shizuo's mind is immediately drawn back to the fact that there was still that one closed door; he couldn't deny his curiosity as to whom was in there.

Shinra leads him to the first room closest to them, which he points into with that same stand smile on his face. The brunet chatters on about how it's the cafeteria – a small little area with three large tables to sit at – and Shizuo can pretty much figure it all out for himself.. Letting out a small sigh, he lifts the dry erase board to jot down a quick message, and the doctor stops talking long enough for him to write.

[Where exactly am I? Is this the Psychiatric Ward?]

Reading the message intently, Shinra gives a small laugh and shakes his head. "No – no, actually. This is kind of an in-between place. It's just suicide watch, really. If you tried to off yourself, you're sent here after you recover. If you don't show any improvement, then you get sent to the actual psychiatric ward. This is just a small segment of it. There are several in-patients on this floor who have been there, honestly."

Shizuo lowers the board back down to his side with a hint of resignation in his actions, and Shinra steers them around to walk to the next part of his apparent tour. There are really only three areas in which are placed importance; the cafeteria, the activity room, and his own shared room.

Everyone was to follow the same schedule; all told when to get up, eat, and interact with each other. There are group sessions held in the activity room every other hour or so, in which everyone talks about their problems even when they don't want to.

It was pathetic.

His mind is barely on the task at hand; and most of the things that he's being told are passing right through him. Shizuo just doesn't give a fuck. He want's to go home. He want's to die – and who the hell has the right to tell him otherwise? It's his life, and his decision.

"-izuo?"

Blinking in recognition, the blond in question raises his eyes from the floor to meet the curious gaze of the doctor before him.

"Haha, I know; it's a lot to take in, right?" Shinra surmises; his disposition not at all put off by the youngers lack of interest in his talking. "It's alright, you'll get used to things pretty quick. It's not nearly as complicated as I made it all sound. There'll be 'group time' in about forty-five minutes, so you'll have a chance to meet everyone else on the ward. Maybe you'll make some friends! Everyone here has one common factor, after all."

The doctor didn't say that common factor aloud, but Shizuo got the message. Everyone here attempted suicide recently. Not that he cared.

Turning to look at the silent blond, Shinra's kind expression didn't falter in the slightest as he clapped his hands together once, as if to signify the end of his explanations.

"Alright, well – I'm going to take you back to your room now. Oh! Right; and a bit of a side note... When in-between activities, you are to stay in you room. Unless you have a escort from me or one of the nurses, you are to remain there, okay?"

Letting out a sigh, Shizuo gave a curt nod of his head as a translation to yes, he understood.

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TBC

slowly making progress.

please review, its what keeps me updating.