A long time since I dabbled in this fandom… Hope I've become better since then, so that you may enjoy what you read.

I had always been a substitute.

Herald Talamir, my Herald, my first love, had hated me. Or as much as any Valdemaran, any Herald, could hate a Companion. He had loved my predecessor as he should his Companion, and with his death wanted only death himself.

I had forced him away from that, away from a reunion with his dearly beloved friend. Yes, I had helped him heal, but I held him from his love, never mind that I was offering him the same love, the same intensity as Taver ever had.

I was a pale, ungainly, block of a substitute who feared to leave him by himself. Even with clear duties and not-so-raw scars he could still decide to make an end for himself.

So when he was killed, I was lurking in the back of his mind. In a way, it was lucky he had hated me, or that would have hurt a whole lot more than it did. That, and he clamped shields down right in front of my nose before I was entirely aware of what was going on.

Ironically, that let me get exactly what we needed when we needed it, just when Talamir was becoming of less use.

Still, the main reason why I had been gone for two months when all I had really needed was a week to find the new Queen's Own was that I needed time to mourn, for I had loved the man even if he hated me, and fret that… Would my new love hate me as well? (That, and when I found she was Holderkin it had taken me some time to find out who and then get a moment when she was alone.)

But no, for Talia it had been love from the first heartbeat. Whether or not I was hers, whether or not I would ever feel more then gentle affection for her, she would adore me.

Oh, but she had no idea, not at that time, how much I adored her. My wonderful girl, my dear Herald, my beloved.

I was a replacement, a substitute, for no one in her heart.

Rolan must have felt like a substitute, don't you think? And I really doubt Talamir ever cared particular for Rolan for doing what he did.

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Standard disclaimer.