A/N: I don't own Death Note.
This is Crack and obviously a HateFic. NOT for Near fans. (wait this douchebag that replaced L and fucking mindraped Light has FANS?)
Also apologies to Australia.
As for Near... you know what you can do...
Die, Near, Die.
Or thirteen-something ways to kill Near…
1) Near, that's Nate River spelled N-A-T-E R-I-V-E-R...
2) We open on an overly dramatic scene featuring falling, bouncing dice... and people dying in dramatic ways. Meanwhile Near choked to death when one of the dice bounced into his open mouth.
3) Yellow Box Warehouse
Near dies of a heart attack (boring I know...)
Near: How? It was a fake... gak BLARG!
Light: You replaced a fake, dumbass. I win.
4) Variation 2
Light: Near is Kira, take him away... (Death by… lethal injection! Have a nice day!)
5) Variation 3
That giant squeaking fan comes lose for some Near slice and dice action…
6) Variation 4
Mikami broke free of his shackles like the Incredible Hulk, he ran up to Near and screamed... "Kick the baby!"
"No kick the baby!" Near protested as he was punted across the room like a football and splattered on the opposite wall…. and like blood and guts flew everywhere.
Matsuda: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED NEAR!
Gevanni: YOU BASTARDS!
7) Variation 5
Near: You lost the Game!
Teh Internet: GET HIM! (*group beating in progress*)
8) Near was doing his super-thinking-eyes-glow-white-and-playing-with-dominos-mode. Unfortunately for him, one domino was slightly misaligned and so it hit the nearby (get it) unbalanced Lego tower instead.
The rest of the SPK found him crushed to death a few days later.
9) "SHUT UP, NEAR!" Mello withdrew his pistol and aimed it at the albino freak who had just used him like it was nothing…
"Mello, if you want to shoot me go ahead and…"
BLAM!
10) Near sat around making racist LEGO caricatures of the Japanese Taskforce so that he could shoot them later like the creepy dick that he is...
…and then Near was randomly killed by a band of roving ninjas.
11) Mello had worked really hard on his science project. REALLY HARD. So hard, in fact it might just beat Near's, and Near couldn't have that with L coming to visit soon, not at all, so in a clever plan he decided to muddle with the ingredients… these were rather volatile….and because it is THIS fic, Near got doused with acid and then died in the resulting explosion and Mello got First Place in the Science Fair because his project was so awesome and it became like the basis of some new kind of rocket fuel.
12) As Near was looking over the dossiers of the Japanese taskforce he told Commander Rester "Kira can only be one man, Light Yaga—"
…and then it turned out that one of Near's toy robots was actually a Decepticon.
The resulting explosion could be seen from orbit. (Yes, even bigger explosions! Thanks Michael Bay!)
13) "Bring him to me."
"Yes, my Lord."
Mello was blindfolded, bound, and gagged. Some creepy long haired guy in a trenchcoat had grabbed him off the street and now he was being made to Kneel Before Zod... er Kira…
"Mihael Keehl…"
Mello sucked in his breath.
"You killed my father, crippled my sister," oh crap! This wasn't just about Kira, this was personal… could only be… Light Yagami… "and you are nothing but a common criminal. I should kill you right now… However…"
What?
"…we share a common foe… there is one who I hate even more than you. N. That little shit keeps calling me at all hours of the day and night and I just can't stand it."
Mikami loosened the gag and let Mello speak.
"What do you propose?"
"Help me kill Near and I shall spare your life… furthermore L's title is yours, we can pretend to fight each other while secretly ruling the world together. What say you?"
"Can I have Australia, it's mostly criminals anyway?" (Once again, with Apologies to Australia).
"Done."
So together they hatch a plan so awesome and diabolical it could not be transcribed in this lameass fic.
Later…
Mello: Haha! I had a plan to betray you all along.
Light: I knew it! In fact, normally I would have killed you by now too... But I would advise against it. You risk angering powers far beyond mortal ken.
Mello: What, you mean the Shinigami?
Light: No far worse. Fangirls I have discovered that they hold the ultimate power of our universe. And our permanent deaths would anger them…. Though apparently we can still fight as long as it leads to sex.
Mello: Wha—? Er… well I already have a boyfriend.
Matt: Yo. * waves.*
Light: Threesome it is then…
And then Mikami joined in too and it was a foursome.
Owari.
A/N: Stupid, I know. I wrote it while high on cough syrup.
Got any more suggestions on how to kill Near? Then Review!