Title: Blame it on the Whiskey

Author: Naria Lacour de Fanel

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Rip/Integra

Warnings: Implied Yuri! Nothing graphic. Sorry. Just hot ladies rubbing all over each other...mmm...

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or any of it's characters and I make no money from writing this!

AN: Crack, as usual! Just go with it. It's hot.

Neither of them would be able to explain just how or why circumstances wound up as they did…but neither could they deny the reality.

Rip Van Winkle sat across from Sir Integra Fairbrooke Wingates Hellsing, a half empty bottle of fine whiskey on the table between them, and empty shot glasses before each of them. Both women glared at one another over their respective glasses in challenge.

"You von't vin," Rip growled, her fingers curling around the neck of the bottle, pouring the amber liquid into her shot glass.

"Try me, vampire," Integra grinned, her face was flushed with obvious inebriation and her ever present cigar hung precariously from the corner of her mouth.

"You're already losing," Rip sneered, taking note of Integra's state of undress. The proud head of the Hellsing family wore only her disappointingly prim undergarments. All else had already been lost in previous rounds of the challenge.

And a preposterous challenge it was in the first place. They had gotten into an argument over something trivial, and it had degenerated into something incredibly primitive: A low class drinking game to satisfy their individual senses of displaced machismo. The rules? Take a shot. If one flinched, one must complete a dare of the opponent's choosing. If one cannot complete the dare, regardless of any circumstances, then one must lose a piece of clothing. It was simple, crude, and ridiculously motivating.

Rip, having supernatural powers on her side to aid her, still had most of her clothing having only lost her jacket, gloves, and tie so far. But she relished making Sir Integra attempt ridiculous tasks no one but a vampire could possibly complete, such as: lifting the solid oak desk one handed, turning 50 cartwheels without touching the ground, walking up the wall to sit on the chandelier, etc. Whereas any challenge Integra threw at her she completed without trouble, save for the few she conceded to make the game seem fair... and the whole "kiss my feet" bit. That dare she had staunchly refused and gladly gave up her jacket to avoid debasing her pride for a mere human. Admittedly, Integra was an undeniably extraordinary human, but a human nonetheless.

With a scowl, the Huntress tossed back her shot and shuddered as the liquid burned her throat.

"I dare you to have a swim in the river," Integra drawled smugly even before Rip could place her glass back.

Rip scowled at that. The pompous wench! What a cheating- Urgh! Without even bothering to respond to the ridiculous challenge, Rip took to unbuttoning her shirt with a sniff of disdain. Integra found her eyes wandering over the slowly exposed flesh, surprised to see a slight smattering of freckles decorating the Huntress' chest. Interesting. Well, that, and she wore a surprisingly risqué bra. It was a thing of lace and red ribbons that presented her smaller breasts rather proudly and prettily...like a present. Blinking that odd thought way (blaming it on the whiskey), she grabbed the bottle.

Integra poured herself another shot. She tossed it back and nearly gagged at the potency, hissing a curse as she slammed the glass back onto the table.

"I dare you to forsake your Qveen," Rip purred evilly.

Integra scowled right back at her because they both knew she could never do that. But now she had a conundrum. All she had left to give up were either her bra or her panties. Either way, she would be exposed in a rather uncomfortable situation...And the way Rip stared at her only made her more weary of her decision. With a sigh, she reached behind herself and unfastened the hooks of her bra and held it in place long enough to give Rip a death glare, and then immediately tossed the scrap of cloth to join the pile of her defeated clothes and crossed her arms defensively.

Grinning at Sir Hellsing's pout (yes, she was pouting), Rip took her shot and instantly lost by snorting and coughing when Integra coincidentally leaned forward to tap her cigar into the ashtray.

"I dare you to take off your pants," Integra smirked, leaning back in her seat.

"Hey! Zat's not fair!"

"No, we agreed, any dare," Sir Hellsing chided, her words beginning to slur the tiniest bit. "Now, it's off with your pants or off with your bra. Either way, you're one step closer to losing."

Integra was obviously being affected by the whiskey to be so surly, but she found she greatly enjoyed the lack of restraint...

Rip grumbled and yanked off her belt and shuffled out of her slacks. Damn that woman! Still acting like a noble, even mostly naked...almost wonderfully naked...

Integra nearly missed the shot glass as she watched the vampire disrobe so angrily. The panties...scratch that, thong- she noted as Rip turned around- matched the bra perfectly...Hmmm...Did the Huntress have a thing for ribbons? Contemplating the reasons as to why she would choose to wear something that had to be tied on, Integra almost choked on her shot.

"I dare you to let me bite you," Rip purred proudly with a lick of her lips.

"Oh, hell no, vampire!" Integra hissed and before the Huntress could even laugh, Sir Hellsing stood up and stripped off her panties and flung them onto Rip's head. And there she stood in all her naked glory, still proud and still somehow commanding of respect. "There! The game's over! We're done! Now get the hell out!"

"Nein, frauleine." Rip leered as she lewdly fondled the panties that had been so callously tossed at her and poured herself another shot. "You still haf your glasses on."

Integra nearly flushed with anger, but she knew she could not back down. Though...she was starting to have some funny ideas with which she could exact her revenge for all this humiliation. She watched as the vampire tossed back yet another shot and grimaced as she tried to withhold a reaction eventually succumbing to a shudder.

"Hmph, don't touch me." Integra ordered. Rip shrugged with a resigned expression, slightly confused and wholly unworried that such a stupid challenge could be met...until Sir Hellsing sashayed over to the vampire and straddled her lap as if she had always belonged there. Her breasts bounced right in the vampire's face, causing her to blush and fight the urge to bite the plush flesh so readily presented to her. Her immediate reaction was to lay her hands on Integra's incredibly soft thighs to push her off. "You fail," Integra growled with a pat to the Huntress' cheek and immediately stood up to go back to her own seat, a satisfied grin on her lips and a proud swing in her shapely hips.

Integra tossed back her next shot and lost with a cough when Rip made quite the show of a supposedly bored yawn, stretching her long limbs and exposing every inch of flesh to it's full potential before draping herself over the chair with a moan of satisfaction.

"I dare you to come kiss me," Rip cooed languidly, knowing the wrath of the head of the Hellsing family was about to befall her for such a rude demand.

Not wanting to lose due to prudishness and completely unperturbed by the vampire's desire, Integra marched over to Rip, grabbed her face and kissed the living hell out of her. It was a good thing Rip didn't need to breathe, otherwise she probably would have suffocated. But, oh damn, was Integra a good kisser. The whiskey and tobacco should have been repulsive to her choosy tongue, but somehow it suited the stoic woman...The sheer aggressiveness of it took her by surprise and she was incredibly sad to let it end. With a vicious bite to the Huntress' lower lip Integra drew away and went back to her seat to take up her cigar once more, a strangely bright smile on her lips.

Shivering slightly from the unexpected reaction, and befuddled... Rip shakily poured, took her shot, and lost.

"I dare you to forsake your Major," Integra chirruped with a slight hiccup. She was way too pleased.

"Never!" Rip snarled, defensive and offended by such a demand. Like she would ever do that!

Integra merely waffled her hand and Rip stood took to peel off her scrap of lace. She turned to the side as if to examine the tiny bows that held the scant garment on and Integra took note of the sprinkling of freckles on her hip. The woman was just dusted with freckles all over her body, which spoke of days long past where lots of time was spent outdoors basking in sunlight...with little to nothing on. Hmm...Rip slowly untied the fine red ribbons and allowed the thong to fall away, leaving her completely under Integra's intense stare.

Integra's shot and she, of course, shuddered. Rip leered at the tipsy woman before her and crooked a finger at her.

"I dare you to come fuck me."

"Pfft!" Integra snorted as she put out her cigar and stood on wobbly legs. "Took you bloody long enough!"

She stalked over to the vampire none too gracefully and leaned in close as if to kiss her. Rip looked up for the kiss only to be grabbed by the hair and yanked up out of her seat.

"We're not doing it here like anini-aniniminal...animals, you ass," Integra growled as she dragged the vampire along with her. Rip found herself suddenly tossed into the plush coverings of a large four poster bed. "We're going to fuck like proper human beings in a proper fucking bed!"

"Ja?" Rip leered. But she was cut off from any snide remarks by Integra's body falling on top of hers and knocking the wind out of her. Sir Hellsing captured Rip's mouth in a vicious and clumsy kiss as she haphazardly ran hands over the body beneath her. The Huntress brought her arms up and held Integra to her, kissing back with just as much fervor before moving to nuzzle her neck.

Rip wanted to sink her teeth into that smooth virgin flesh...she wanted to lap up the sweet blood that would spill forth and revel in the woman's cries and moans...but something held her back...Integra was truly incredible for a mere human. Her tenacity and bravery were that of a monarch, and yet she willingly served another in a position that was looked down upon for the sake of protecting her countrymen and honoring her family. Rip could understand that. Rip could even respect that...making her one of them would just be cheating.

"You bite me, and I give the order to have Walter rip you apart before I let Alucard lick up what's left of you. Understood?" Integra growled, perturbed by the vampire's course of action.

"Ja," the Huntress grinned into the curve of the proud woman's neck. "I am not controlled by my instincts."

Integra dug her hand into Rip's hair and angled her neck back to stop her nuzzling. She grinned at the vampire's slight hiss of pain.

"Good," she purred, sucking the Huntress' bottom lip between her teeth. "Then let's get to it."

The next morning greeted Integra with a blessedly black room and an excruciating headache. She groaned as she rolled over to grab the fresh glass of water that awaited her on her bedside table. Bless Walter. He always seemed to know when she would indulge in her tasteless whiskey habit… She took a deep drink, and noted that her whole body felt incredibly sore, and odd streaks of chocolate sauce decorated random parts of her naked body…She frowned, her mind catching up with her as she remembered…

"Guten morgen…" came the purring satisfied voice of the Huntress. She crawled forward to wrap her arms around Sir Hellsing's waist and press her chest against her back.

Integra frowned further, looking down at the arms wrapped around her. That was the reason for the chocolate sauce…and the soreness. But she only had herself to blame for the headache. Damn that whiskey! She sighed and reached for a cigar and lighter on the bedside table.

"So who won?" she asked absently as she took a satisfying drag from her cigar.

"Neither of us von."

"So it was a draw? After all of that, it was a draw?" Integra nearly spat, gritting her teeth in anger.

"Vell, think of it zis vay," Rip purred, taking the cigar from Integra's lips and setting it in an awaiting ashtray. "Ve can alvays play a different game." She gently took Integra's chin between her fingers and drew her in for a soft kiss. "Ze first von to say 'no' loses…" she whispered.

Integra glared at the vampire, knowing even if that were not part of the new game, she wouldn't say "no" anyway. But Rip didn't need to know that.

The only answer she gave was pushing the Huntress back onto the sheets with a devious smirk on her lips knowing full well that she could not blame this on the whiskey.

=End=

Yep. Crack. Totally not plausible. Surly Integra is totally worth it though!