What really happened in the Chamber of Secrets

The Chamber was near silent. Harry jumped at every tiny noise, waiting for the monster that lived here to come out and eat him. He knew this was a bad idea. He didn't know why he was down here risking his life to save some weird girl that sent him a singing Valentine. Oh yeah. She was Ron's sister. Having friends is more annoying than he thought. Things were so much simpler before Hogwarts.

Splash. 'What was that? Shit. I do not want to die at 12. I haven't even been kissed yet. I can already see my tombstone. "Here lies Harry James Potter. Virgin." That totally su-'

"Who are you?" a deep voice asked from the other end of the cavern.

"Harry," said the incredibly freaked out boy. Harry could not figure out why there was someone down here. Especially a hot teenage boy. Wait.

"Tom?" asked Harry. "How are you a teen again? Shouldn't you be my grand parents age? Well, if I had grandparents that is."

Tom, for it was he, just smiled. "My spirit was perfectly preserved in my diary since I was sixteen so that I may never die."

Harry just stared at him. "Hmm. Why would you want to live forever?"

Tom blinked. "So that I may rule the world for eternity."

"Why would you want to rule the world? You would have to listen to people nag all the time about stuff that is really none of your concern plus have a ton of paperwork to do and deal with politicians who are really just tics that suck you dry. It is in the name."

"I will just kill the ones that annoy me," stated Tom thinking he had won.

"You will have killed off nearly everyone on the planet and the remaining people will band together to get rid of you so you will spend the rest of your immortality on the run from crazy psychos bent on revenge," said Harry while he explored the cavern. "How did you get out of the diary anyway?"

"I used the girl's life force," said Tom while trying to think of a counter argument. "She is nearly completely drained by now."

"Really. Damn. Now what am I going to tell Ron?" said Harry. "Although you said nearly so I guess I could still save her."

"That would involve me not living so I can't allow that," said Tom.

"How about this? You stop stealing the brat's life and go back into the diary until you can think of an argument to my question. I will find you someone to suck dry later."

"That sounds reasonable. How will I know if you stand by your end of the deal though?" asked Tom. "How about I take some of your life force so if you go back on your side of the deal then I will steal your life instead."

"How do I know you wont just suck out my life force?" asked Harry although he really didn't think Tom would go back on his end of the deal.

"You are too amusing to kill. Plus I find that you would make a most interesting…equal."

"Whatever. How do you take my life force anyway?"

Before Harry could blink Tom was kissing him. Harry's eyes went wide as saucers. 'OMG! He is kissing me! He tastes nice. Snap out of it. Is that his tongue? What the heck is he doing with that? Oh.' Harry couldn't help but moan at the feeling of the kiss.

The kiss was over far to early for Harry's liking. Tom just smirked at the dazed look on Harry's face.

" We will have more fun when you are older. Now I will go back in the diary and think on this question. See ya soon. Oh yeah. The name is Voldemort." Tom, or Voldemort if you prefer, slowly started to disappear until Ginny woke up.

Harry told her a bunch of crap about destroying the diary (which was in his pocket) and rescuing her. He could almost feel the hero worship rolling off of her in waves. Such a drag. They had just picked up Ron and Lockhart when Fawkes arrived to take the back to the top. Harry told him the same crap story he told Ginny before tricking Malfoy to free Dobby since the elf was amusing. So ends the story of-

"Wait. I kissed VOLDEMORT!" Harry stopped and stared at nothing for a few minutes. "I blame puberty." Harry happily went off to fly since that is the only thing that made sense anymore.

Now it's the end. XD