Epilogue

I'd like to believe...

That our lives were not worthless...

That we made the right choices...

That we chose the right path...

I need to believe...

That his soul does live on...

That his heart remained pure...

That his love didn't leave him...

That he held onto his faith...

I want to believe...

That our hopes for the future...were not just a dream.

That he died for the right reasons...instead of the wrong.

That his faith and his truth...will remain with me.

That nothing will harm us...EVER AGAIN.

I'd like, I need, I want. How often do we speak these words when it counts the most?

Never...I can't believe anymore. I just can't.

I can only see the bleak and weary dreams of a love stolen. There are no dilutions on my part. I can see what was to become of our future and past. One of us had to remain...one of us had to survive.

I want to wake up with him next to me...to feel his warmth surrounding every part of my body. I need to hear the sound of his voice as it whispers and blows a gentle breath across my ear. I want to continue...

But all that's left is me. I'm all that remains of a 'Truth' and 'Faith' that no one else quite understood. I am the sole beneficiary of a life plagued with hatred and lies.

For the longest time I refused to cry. I refused to submit myself to the pain that I knew was killing me inside. It took me nearly five months to write about his death. I couldn't get past the parts...the pain would grow so extreme that if I looked at my own words I would want to tear apart everything around me.

It was only when I went to watch my family from afar that I let the tears fall. I saw how much my nieces and nephews had grown in such a short time and the tears couldn't be contained. I had to slip away when my mother glanced my way. She could never know I was alive. I fear it would still put her in danger.

Melissa was the only thing that kept me sane over that time. She accepted me inside her home...knowing the danger that my life posed over everything around me. She has promised to send in my last story for me...should anything happen.

If only she knew the depths of that promise. She would never know my reasons for having her make that promise. At least not until she reads the story. Then, and only then, will she truly understand.

At least, I can only hope she understands.

In this life, that I knew Mulder, he promised me many things. He promised that we would be married one day…he promised that he would always be there for me.

But he didn't keep his most important promise. It was the promise that I cherished and fought for him to stay most in tune with…the promise that I would never have to live without him by my side.

In the days since he died in my arms…I have done nothing but wander. I roamed around from place to place. Visiting everywhere that brought forth good memories of what we had together. I only wanted to feel him near.

I walk now, down an old dirt path that led to an apartment I once lived in. It is torn down to make way for bigger and better things. For a future that holds no appeal. I can only live in my memories of our time in that apartment…of a daughter we wanted and lost. Of a love that seemed endless and forever deep.

The evil that we ran from for so very long is dead. This time it has no redemption coming. There will be no way for the demon we had so foolishly called the Cancerman in our last lives, to ever be free of his sentence in hell.

This gives me hope for the future. Not this future that no longer exists…but the one that I know will come in our next life. Or maybe in a higher plane of existence…where pain no longer exists. Only love and memories to keep us safe and warm in each other's arms.

I know now…after writing this out...that so much is left behind. My stories of past, present, and a future I so very much wanted, have brought me to tears and laughter in just letting it out. I fear the past in many ways. But no regrets ever flit through my brain anymore. To regret my past would be to regret who I am now. And that in itself, is enough to drive a sane person mad.

For those of you who knew this story…who lived it in their minds and hearts, I am grateful. For those of you who failed to understand…I wish you everything in love and heartache. For what is life without those two emotions? I know that my heart has pain of loss. It is a loss so deep that I fear nothing will fill it.

Unless he comes back to me.

I can't fall asleep anymore. I know that's not saying much considering the way I have always slept…but this is different. This is just the longing for a love that is gone. I am sucked into the chasm of hurt and pain. A black hole so deep that I know I am soon to follow him. His death was not in my plans. His heart and life were to remain by my side…no matter what the opposition.

But what is death? I know that it is not the end of everything. It is not what I always wanted to believe in. I wanted the end of a story…I wanted to finish it all.

I wanted to take my life and lay down beside him. I can't remain alone forever. He is my soul and my reason for existence. Even if it took his life to save mine, I cannot wait to see him. I cannot stay in this realm of being without him.

So tonight, I ask of your forgiveness. I ask of God's forgiveness…and most of all, Mulder's forgiveness. For he would never understand this pain I go through. He would never understand what I now know of death.

Death is only temporary.

Death can kill a person and take your love…leaving nothing but bitterness and walls to be breeched.

Death will turn you away…taking only those you care about.

Thus tonight, I will teach Death a lesson. Tonight I will close my eyes…only to open them and gaze deeply into Mulder's eyes. I will teach Death that there are still lessons to be learned. That not everything ends with a black robe and scythe…not everything has to be done a certain way. I will cheat on my time in life…giving up the one thing that should've been seen as a gift. Instead it was only forgotten in time. Tonight it will be an ending and a beginning.

For Death is only the beginning.

Somewhere in the darkness two souls emerged. Drawn in a way that no other could conceive they met and clashed in bright flashes of light. It grew brighter and brighter, filling every speck of darkness.

Soon there was nothing but bright light and one intense ball of energy. Voices streamed throughout the void...first alone, then mingling together to form two words. The chant became stronger and stronger...each word now holding more meaning then ever thought possible.

When the final spark of light had burst forth from the depths of brightness, the words became solid. They formed a belief that would forever hold true in the face of any adversary. That last final shout of glory was enough to make a grown man cry...a guilty man innocent.

The words once spoken will be etched forever in that void...hanging and repeating until there is no one left to hear. Until there is nothing left of existence.

"I BELIEVE."

The End

Author's notes: The end of this story was extremely hard for me to write. I can never claim that one doesn't leave a part of themselves in every story they write. Over the years this will always serve a s reminder to what depths my writing can achieve. I will always look at this story as my absolute favorite, no matter what fandom I choose in the future. If you made it through this, I thank you. I know a lot of it was rather rough, but since it was one of my first stories, I hope you can see how much that improved over the time of writing.