Dear Rose,

I really, really have to tell you something, and for the first time I feel physically incapable of saying something to you, so here it is, in writing: I read your letter. Yes, that letter. Yes, the one where you sort of poured your heart out. You said that you loved me.

It's been two months since I read that letter and everything has changed. As you already know, I broke up with Lily. It was a week after I read your letter. I felt like shit because Lily was starting to cry and even if I didn't want to date her I still hated to see that, but then I put my hand in my pocket and felt your letter there and I couldn't feel as bad anymore.

Your letter ripped me up.

You wanna know why? It's because, shit, Rose, I've loved you since first year. The way you lit up when you talked about Potions or Charms or Herbology. You just, I don't know, you've always just glowed. That sounds dumb. I don't know how else to say it. You radiate, and as we know light attracts bugs like me.

All of this is my fault. I accept that, even if it tears me up. Because I dumped Lily, but you had just started to date that prick Michael. And you're still dating that prick Michael. What the hell. I thought, because I'm the world's biggest prat, that maybe you were just dating him to make me jealous or something. But Merlin, the way you look at that ponce like he's the most valuable thing in the universe, it just... I'm just... I've just never felt worse in my life.

But it's my fault. I never did anything about it. You had every right not to wait around, and I was dating your cousin, and all of that. I only wanted to date her though to try to get over you, to stop thinking about you at all hours of the day, to separate you from all the stuff inside me. A big success, clearly.

I guess the worst part about this all is that I was just too late. I could have had your love, I could have kissed you and met your parents and let you steal my jumpers and a million other things. I could have said I loved you. Because you loved me. You loved me. Me. But it's clear how quickly these things change. I was the luckiest person in the world and I didn't even know it, and now...

Fuck.

I remember it all; the Boggart, the dance, the Quidditch games...

I also remember how last Thursday, you were eating breakfast with me, and Michael wasn't around, and you were buttering toast. And there was this pause in the conversation, not an uncomfortable one at all, the total opposite. Just this perfect moment of silence, you were buttering, and the sunlight was right behind you, and I was just staring like an idiot. Then you smiled at me. You know what I thought in that moment? I thought, I could see us five years from now, living in some shitty flat together and just watching you smile at me over buttered toast.

I guess by now you've realized I'm certifiably insane.

But damn it, Rose. I just can't believe I've waited this long to do anything about it. I knew that you loved me, you'd even written it down, and I didn't do anything. I'm the biggest fucking coward, scum of the earth, general arse. I just want you to know that when you wrote that letter, I loved you too. I'm in love with you. I love you.

I wish we still talked like we used to. But you're never around, and I'm always in a terrible mood. Al keeps trying to set me up with Rachel's friends but what would be the point? It's you. Just you. You said in you letter that you would always love me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but that tiny spot of hope is all I'm clinging onto right now. Everything's worse without you. Food tastes bad. I always feel like I'm dirty. I've got no one to talk to in Potions anymore. Everything's turned to shit and the worst part is that I still love you and it's all my fault.

So fuck me.

(Oh god, I didn't mean it like that, it was supposed to be more like a "fuck you" directed towards myself.)

I don't know what to do.

Yours,

Scorpius

Rose was fuming. Seeing red. Breathing so heavily and rapidly that her chest was starting to feel tight. Storming into the library, she saw him sitting at a table, reading from a textbook.

"How fucking dare you!"

Scorpius turned, eyes wide, to look at her seething above him. He stood.

"Rose, I-"

"You're such a ponce!" she cried, before receiving a death glare from the librarian. She lowered her voice to a piercing hiss. "What the fuck is this?" Scorpius saw now the piece of parchment in her hand and felt the lump forming in his throat.

"Oh, shit," he murmured. "You weren't supposed to see that. I threw that away days ago."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Then how did it end up in my fucking Charms textbook?" She glared at him accusingly.

"I-I- have no clue," he said, softly, more to himself than to her. "I threw it away. You were never supposed to see it."

Rose heaved a big sigh. "I wish I hadn't."

Scorpius didn't dare to look her in the eyes. "We can pretend you didn't. Doesn't really make a difference."

Rose gave a dry laugh. "Oh sure, doesn't make a difference. Ha. That's rich. You really think it works like that? Like you can just say all this shit, that you," she lowered her voice further, "love me? That I can just brush that off?"

Scorpius looked at her, confused. "Well yeah, I mean, it's not like we even talk much anyways, and you're so happy with Michael now, and-"

"Screw you, Scorpius," Rose interjected. "You wanna know why I started dating Michael? You were right. I was trying to make you jealous." She paused, watching his blond brows raise. "But then, something funny happened. He was really nice to me, he made me laugh. I never had to wonder how he felt about me, because he just said it. It was so simple. With you..." She looked up at him, and noticed his breathing was heavy. "Well, with you," she said, fiddling with the sleeve of her shirt, "I just never could tell."

Silence fell between them. Rose looked away as Scorpius watched her fingers on her sleeve.

"It's funny," he finally said, "because you always said you'd hate having a boyfriend like that. You said that nice guys were boring, that guys who would do all that stuff were delusional."

She gave him a weak smile. "I was wrong."

Scorpius rubbed his face with his hands. "I've fucked up."

"You and me both," Rose conceded. "It's not like I've stopped thinking about you. I still sometimes wonder what it would have been like to be with you, but... but I'm happy with the way things are, too."

Scorpius swallowed. "So what do we do now?"

Rose bit her fingernail and thought for a moment before replying, "We keep going. We'll still be friends. We're too similar not to be, I think." She smiled at him but then noticed he had started to cry.

"We can't be friends, Rose," he said, so low that she could barely make out the words.

She knew it was true and let the moment hang.

"What makes me so mad about your letter is that it's fucking with my brain. Being with Michael was the one thing I was sure about in these past couple of months. Now I feel like... does it mean anything? Maybe he is boring, maybe-"

Scorpius kissed her. It was the wrong thing to do, and Merlin knows, the wrong time, but he kissed her hard, in the deserted library, the librarian having gone out to lunch. He kissed her and for a moment she kissed him back and he felt this surge in his heart and then she pulled away.

"I- I have to go," she stammered before making a mad dash to the door. Scorpius stood, rooted, and once again alone. He pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket and held on to it for dear life.

AN: so there you have it. sorry to have squashed everybody's dreams, including my own. but this story was meant to have an unhappy ending...