Disclaimer: I don't own them.

I hate myself for this BUT I hate round numbers, I really do that's why I couldn't finish it on VI chapters I'm sorry for dragging this so much, I swear the VII chapter will be the last -and the epilogue.- I'd love so much to write about them forever but I need to move on even thought I will always fantasy with them, forever.

anyways, as always, Thank you so much for the reviews, favorites and alerters it gives me the courage to keep writing.

F I R S T - T I M E S

Arthur & Eames.

C H A P T E R - V I

Panic

"Shut up, I'm not too shabby" Eames grunt looking himself in the mirror

"Rite" Arthur replied rolling his eyes.

Eames would give Arthur an exasperated look saying "bugger off! It doesn't matter!"

"Yes it does, that coat is way too heavy for you and too big and it's an awful grey too" Arthur replied annoyed,

"I'm done with this quarrel" Eames said taking off the coat defeated "I'll wear the Burberry Coat" he walked fast towards the closet.

Arthur felt stupid, he went closer to him slowly placing his hand over his shoulder "you don't have to wear that coat, you're right, it doesn't matter" Eames turned his face to him scratching his forehead "I don't want to argue, specially today" he said in low tone then he walked towards the bar and half filled a glass of vodka with the black coat with cashmere neck on his hands.

Arthur kept standing in front of the closet, giving his back to Eames, thinking the right words to say.

"I didn't panic" – he whispered – "I didn't"

Eames drank the vodka in one shot, his throat was burning afterwards "I'm not saying you were, I'm not bringing anything up" he added.

"But I am" he said turning to Eames "I wanted to call you, to let you know about my dad…" he said with a trembling voice "I never saw him again after they got divorced so I didn't thought it would be so hard, but it was" – Arthur frowned his face angrily "and it's weird when I think about it, because he just left and never went back, he didn't kept in touch or anything,"

"I understand" he said genuine "that's why I'm here, because I understand" he gave him a glance, Arthur felt a bit worried by Eames expressionless look, they kept eyes into each other until Eames, giving up, half smiled crookedly. Arthur laughed scratching his eyebrows with both hands, feeling embarrassed, he was flushed "so sweet yet so wicked" he said lowly "and I love it" he added in thought and feeling silly as he looked back at Eames who was fully smiling at him.

"You're too cute Arthur" – he said wearing the coat.-

"I'm sorry, I'll really want to meet your mom" Arthur said as he walked towards the door

"It's ok, you will meet her at some point, now let's go".

As they walked their way out of the hotel Eames remembered how much he hated Moscow; he hated "bloody Russia" and his "perennial frosty weather"

Arthur on the other hand found Russia quite unique, the almost perpetual snow covering the woods and the wildness in them contrasting with the big cities like Moscow and St. Petersburg was something to be appreciated.

"You're whining about the biggest country in the world, more than a ninth of the Earth's land area, like the 40% of Europe, with 9 different time zones and about 142 millions of people"- Arthur told him as they walked through snowy Red Square, admiring the general splendor of the holiday.

Arthur was dressed in a skinny blue suit harmonized with a pale brown shirt and a skinny brown tie, all by Burberry Prorsum and also a pair of 'Lawyer' Allen Edmonds brown shoes and a double breasted, belted trench coat in a honey color, his hair was messy thought no gel on it… he looked stunning, as always.

"142 millions of frozen arses… if you give it a thought, why couldn't we receive the year in a nice warm weather?, I will kill to be in Monaco- he sighed.- actually, I could shed some tears just by thought of it" - Eames looked the crowed Square and the loudness of the music. People speaking a language he couldn't understand, the snow under his shoes all with a sentiment of burden, he really preferred Monaco this time of the year.

He was dressed with a long black sleeve cotton check shirt with hints of red and a small patch pocket on the left side – where he kept his 'cancer sticks'. - covered with that black Burberry trench coat Arthur loved so much completed with black cotton cargo trousers, and black regular shoes, his hair was also messy falling a bit on his forehead

"Yeah, so we can receive the year on a casino, I don't think so!" – Arthur shook his head in disapproval "this is far more interesting" he gave him an encouraging look, trying to pass on his excitement on him.

"Not convinced" he said frowning "you just get away with this once… this once" he said looking awkwardly sideward as a girl smiled at him, she wasn't alone; another girl was smiling at Arthur too.

He realized Eames awkwardness and found it funny "afraid of the ladies?" he said mockingly

"Shut up!" – He said annoyed "I'm not afraid of anybody"

"Eames…" Arthur frowned thoughtful "you…" he muttered but Eames placed his hand on Arthur mouth

"Yes Arthur, my dear, I like women. I've been with tons of women. I've been in love with a few of them too" Eames took his hand away smiling silly.

"Did we bring the gloves? Your hands are so cold" he looked for them in his pockets.

"I have them right here" he said as he opened one of his cargo pockets "see?" he added sarcastically "this pants are quite useful" he lifted an eyebrow looking childish.

Arthur smiled taking his gloves, it was really cold, it was the coldest he had ever been, but it was beautiful, the square was snowy and full of colorful lights and people and kids with Christmas lights running all over the place, a lot of foreign people too, he noticed the girls across them taking photos.

"Crap" – he said then, realizing something.-

"I bought a disposable camera too" he said looking for it on his pockets giving Arthur that silly look again, he handed him a small white Kodak "I thought you wanted to take some pictures", "I do" Arthur replied smiling broadly "thank you", "you're welcome sweet heart" he said as Arthur checked the film and the flash… "Say cheese Eames" he said out of nowhere, taking him a picture.

"We're in a living postcard right now" he said in awe "I love this" he looked at Eames who was already giving him a funny look, "aren't you happy?" Arthur asked a bit anxious "I know is cold but…", "I feel very merry" he replied laughing a bit sarcastic "and yes, is fucking cold… but I'm with you" he gave him a silly smile. Arthur grabbed him by coat bringing him closer, side by side, he kept his hand on his arm, and Eames reacted smiling broadly then giving him a brooding look for a second, "what?" Arthur said uneasy "nothing" Eames answered giving him a wink.

It was almost midnight, people started to talk louder, sing, the music was everywhere. Eames chest filled with fear and anxiety, he stopped breathing for a second. Arthur chest was burning, he held Eames hand between his, Eames looked at him a bit surprised, then smiled calm, "20 seconds before midnight" someone screamed close to them in perfect english, Arthur gave a glance to his watch. Eames felt really nervous, this was in fact the first time he did something like this, he used to spend and receive his years alone and mostly drunk, he breathed deep and exhaled heavily.

"Are you ok?" – Arthur asked while everybody started the countdown

Eames nodded "yes" he said loud so Arthur could hear him "I'm ok"

8, 7, 6… Arthur gave him a caring look, Eames chest started to burn, Arthur smiled, 5, 4, 3… Eames smiled too, 2, 1… "Happy new year!" they yelled to each other in laughter, the square filled with noise, they looked around for a bit contemplating the crazy joyful ambient, Arthur took the camera with his free hand, taking a picture of the square, Eames smiled widely astonished by the moment. They looked at each other, Eames embraced him, "I feel 'very merry'" Arthur said to his ear, Eames hold him stronger, Arthur kissed his neck tenderly and then in a few fast seconds their lips were pressing clumsily against each other.

The rest of the night would go walking thought the square, taking pictures, people stared at them because at moments, but there wasn't that many, never the less the anguish in Eames was raising by every hour, he felt too happy at times but then he felt mortified out of nowhere. Arthur would notice and they'd head back to the hotel around 2 am.

Eames sat in one of the couches and looked at Arthur as he started to take off his trench coat

"Come here" said Eames.

Arthur walked towards him calm and stopped in front of him, glancing at his crossed legs.

Eames looked at him head to toe carefully, noticing everything: From his tired eyes to the shape of his arms and abs under the tight shirt, he looked his mouth as he licked it nervous. He palmed his tight demanding "get here" he said, spreading his legs so Arthur got nearer. Eames took one of his arms bringing him closer and staggering, Arthur got on top of him.

Eames started to kiss him violently, it felt strange, this wasn't quite right for some reason but Arthur let it flow as he felt how he placed his hands on his buttocks and started to breath uneasy, biting his lips, making Arthur moan with pain, unzipping and pulling down his pants, throwing him on his back and getting on top of him urgently.

Arthur stopped him for a second "what's wrong?" he asked frowning with concern, "nothing" Eames replied kissing him again, "John" Arthur blocked him nervous. Eames looked at Arthur's worried complexion but he didn't say anything. Arthur pushed him away kindly and zipped his pants as Eames closed his eyes scratching his forehead.

"John, please" Arthur sitting next placed his hand on his chest waiting for him to look at him.

Eames leaned on him, kissing him which such care that Arthur immediately frightened.

"What... Are you serious right now?" he asked pushing him away uneasy.

"I realized something very crucial tonight" said deep in thought looking at the door "you're going to break my heart" he glanced at Arthur, but it wasn't an anguished or even an angry glance, it was pain what draw into a smile. "Aren't you, my love?"

Arthur shook his head angrily "no, no…no!" he said loud almost yelling, Eames smiled sore, this terrified him "You're not going anywhere" he said authoritarian, giving him an irritated look.

Eames stood up, walking towards his bags "I need to…" he mumbled walking back and forth "I…" he felt unable to utter a sentence so he just walked towards the door, Arthur reacted, he ran to the door pushing him away "no" he said mad "NO" he repeated exasperated.

"What are we doing Arthur, honestly…" he said frustrated

"You know exactly what we're doing, don't come up with this shit now, come on!" Arthur's tone was loud gesticulating energetically to Eames who had grabbed one of his bags already.

"shit?" he yelled at him "you kiss me then you go while I'm sleeping then you're back all giving and romantic then you leave again and then guess what? We're here and it's too perfect and I have a hard time buying it" he said heated, clearly trembling.

"You're panicking" Arthur said softly giving him a caring anxious look "you're just panicking"

"What if I'm not?" he said passing his hand over his hair then over his face "what if I'm right?"

"What? like an epiphany 'this is too perfect to be true'?" Arthur shook his head vigorously "you think I haven't thought that too? I think about it every time I kiss you and my chest starts to burn!" he yelled kicking the chair next to the door "sometimes I think this is not real, after every phone call I would throw my dice, "just to be sure" –he quoted with his fingers.- so don't fucking talk me about epiphanies you fucking idiot! You started this!"

"I started this?" Eames got closer raising his eyebrow mordantly "you came to me that night in that room, and you talked me night after night over the bloody phone telling me how much you enjoyed yourself, fucks sake we're in Moscow on fucking New Year's Eve because of you, you Arthur, don't be so cynical, you cunt!"

"You're wrong" he said completely irritated "you mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling, just make sure to be back before the kick –he mimicked Eames English accent. - And the looks, fucks sake! – He trembled.- the way you looked at me all this time, you were always close, always teasing, it was always there with you, the –he swallowed uneasy.- the jokes and staying afterhours to 'help' Yusuf with the somniferous, really? I started this? I'm cynical? Fuck you Eames!"

Eames started to breathe faster and faster, it was St. Petersburg all over again, he looked at Arthur and saw himself punching him in the face and leaving right after… "I teased yes, I shouldn't have and I realize that now"

"John, just" Arthur swallowed apprehensive "I know where you're coming from, I know, but just don't…" he paused as his voice broke a little "… I won't find you again, I just know it" he exhaled weary out of breath "you'll disappear if you cross that door, you can't disappear, I won't allow it"

"What are you going to then?" he said smiling wicked, "I'd like to see you trying to stop me" he added mad.

"Fucking asshole" Arthur groaned irritated and offended "you want to go?" he yelled frantically as he opened the door "then go… get the hell out of here then!"

Eames took his bags and walked towards the door; all smiles even when inside his chest was flaming and his throat was a knot and all he wanted was scream and cry.

As he walked besides him, Arthur grabbed him by the arm so strongly that hurt, they looked at each other madly then Arthur took him back inside by the collar of the shirt, Eames bags fell on the floor. Arthur pushed him violently a couple times "this is what you want?" he said breathing fast, frown "is it?" Arthur hit his face with the palm of his hand, slapping him aggressively "you make want you, I let you touch me, I made love to you!" he fisted his hand and hit him in the chest "do something!" Arthur yelled, and then Eames opened his eyes widely and smacked him of the face, and before Arthur could fall he took him by the shirt, throwing him against the wall.

Arthur's lower lip started to bleed, right in the corner, he growled enraged as he took Eames by the shoulders pushing him away, making him fall on the floor, then he kicked him on the side, right on the ribs a couple times, Eames groaned with pain but managed to grab his legs, knocking him down, crawling towards him, they took each other by the shirt, Arthur punched him on the mouth making him bleed at the first contact, right in the middle of his fleshy lips… and both would bleed, Arthur smiled frantic rising quickly to kick him again, but Eames also rose, faster, taking him by the waist to throw him on the bed getting on top of him quickly "I hate you!" Arthur yelled impotent, Eames smiled crookedly while leaning down slowly "no, you don't" he said as his lips went slowly over his, it hurt, his mouth was bleeding as he feathered his lips them over Arthur's thin mouth, and just when he got to the corner where he was still bleeding Arthur hissed, Eames sucked the wound tasting his blood, Arthur's fingers clawed Eames arms, Eames he moaned stirred, "ah!" Arthur cried feeling Eames teeth press his sore lip then biting upper, Arthur growled as he thrown his head back and pushed him away in pain "va te faire foutre!" Arthur gasped for air, Eames smiled naughtily as he passed his fingers across his lips clearing out the blood, Arthur touched his upper lip looking for signs of blood but there wasn't any.

"This scares the shit out of me, yes" he admitted finally "I can't do this" He raised and walked towards the open door, Arthur ran after him again but this time they didn't fight, this time Arthur embraced him, holding him strongly on the back "let's talk this out, please" Arthur begged and after a couple minutes Eames nodded, Arthur closed the door.

They sat on the table of the kitchen, in front of each other, composing themselves.

"I wonder if this is all that it is" Eames spoke first very calm, Arthur looked naïve not understanding his words, "you and me having brief encounters in frosty countries" he said in what somehow felt like a worried sarcasm

"We can make it work; we have the resources to make it work" Arthur replied automatically like he was ready to say this before Eames opened his mouth

"You mean we have the money to travel the world one weekend each month?"

"We work together" Arthur said calm "is not only on weekends."

"And still, there are slow months, sometimes we don't work for three or even five months and you know it"

"I'll travel"

"You'll travel" he repeated annoyed "so that's it, you'll travel… where?"

"Wherever you are, fucks sake!" he yelled mortified

"I don't have a home, I don't, I don't know where I'm going after this" Eames concern showed all over his face making his forehead frown.

"We'll be in touch, you can come home with me, you know?"

Eames looked irritated as he spoke "and then what? I'll stay a couple weeks, we'll have sex and then I'll get back to nowhere"

Arthur frowned madly "you really think this is just about the sex?" he shook his head unbelieving Eames words "I told you already, it's you, you God damn it"

"I should have thought this better. – He said looking mortified by Arthur's words -, I'm not steady, I have issues, I mean you saw it – he said referring to Amy. - I'm violent, I have a lot of anger inside, I'm constantly aching, and torn apart in so many ways you haven't seen yet, and I wouldn't handle too see you with a girl… or another man I just wouldn't, I'd prefer to disappear… -he looked at him apprehensive.- and to be honest Arthur, I firmly believe that this is going to end quick and bad, this is going to end in tears for me, I just know it, so I might better go now that we have time, when there's no damage and you can think things better and get back to what you really are and I just, well I will just leave."

Arthur was astonished by Eames words, he shook his head troubled "you really are panicking...back to what I really am" he said, thoughtful "this is what I am, right now here with you, when we talk over phone, when we work together, hanging around or sprawled across the bed …and the sex, well sex can be lame but is not lame between us because we care so don't do this, five months without working? Then come to L.A, stay a whole week, a whole month, your entire life, it's ok, it will be ok because I want you– he said putting a lot of weight on these words. – I know I've panicked, I know but would you please stop treating me like I don't know what I want? I'm not a fucking kid, I'm 27 fucks sake. – Arthur pushed the vase of flowers away, Eames catch it before it fell.

"Your need to calm the fuck down" he said then vexed "and you need to fucking understand what you're getting into, I don't fool around Arthur, that's the bottom line, I don't… I can't and that's why I panic because you can't be totally sane right now" he placed the vase in the center of the table again, where it belong.

"I'm not fooling around with you, you asked me not to play with you and I'm not!"

"So what, you want a relationship?" Eames laughed unbeliever

"Yes" Arthur nodded anxiously "that's exactly what I want"

"Oh, just shut it!" Eames said gesticulating gravely as he hit the table, the vase fell sideways "shut your mouth! Don't be ridiculous now Arthur, you just realized that you fancy the pants out of a man, you can't expect me to believe such horse shit, you might as well tell me you just want to fuck me and it would sound so much better, and convincing for that matter!"

"I fancy your awful pants, yes" he said sarcastically "and I fucked you already, twice… is not horse shit, you're just making excuses because you're a pussy!"

"Fuck off" said angry yet half smiling while placing the vase to its original position "You'll get in so much trouble; I'm wanted in a couple South American countries, we wouldn't be able to go to Argentina or Brazil and those are the cool ones…" frowned with concern still half smiling.

"While I'm able to go around Chile and Uruguay there's no problem with me" he smiled mischievously "I'm being honest" he said taking his hand between his Eames lifted his eyebrow sarcastic "what!" Arthur shout annoyed "if someone asks I'll say 'yeah I'm with John, he's with me" Arthur winked at him.

"And now you can hear how my masculinity is flushed down the loo." He whispered glancing the ceiling mortified by Arthur's words, he was lost, he knew, "I'm not going anywhere, bloody hell" he said to himself as Arthur glanced at him expectant. "I opened Pandora's box didn't I?"

"I wouldn't call it a box" said Arthur mockingly as he rose from the chair walking towards Eames "I'm so tired" he said leaning down, caressing his wound lips with his fingers "I'm sorry about that"

"Don't be" he replied "I deserve it" he smiled content "can we go to bed now? I'm tired too"

As they laid on bed facing each other Eames closed his eyes tiredly, Arthur was about to succumb too but he fought a little more, he saw the bags next to the door and he panicked "I'm going to wake up and you're not going to be here, am I right?" he asked him, even when he seemed to be sleeping already "damn you" he said distressed "who's going to break the heart of who now?"

Eames was hearing every word as he faked his sleep, he waited long enough for Arthur to fall sleep, and he was so drained when he looked at him sleeping heavily thinking about leaving or not "I can't be this coward" he said to himself as he caressed Arthur hair delicately "I might as well enjoy it while it last" he touched his lips repeatedly, his chest was burning again "I can't do this" he said to himself gaining courage.

"I'm sorry, Arthur but this is the best I can do, for I cannot bare the guilt for corrupting you in this way, you, who are meant for greater things, God Arthur, you are so young and brilliant you need to get back on track with your life and become who you're meant to be, I regret deeply the day I kissed you back because I'm just a distraction on the way, I'm nothing."

Arthur would read the note over and over again as he gasped for air feeling sick, later he would throw up in the sink and fall on the floor where he stayed for hours cursing and aching "I won't find him, I won't find him" he repeated mentally as he quivered impotent.

not so random: I'm waiting eagerly to see whether if Nolan takes JGL into the new Batman - given the fact that he picked up Tom already.- because I really want to see those two together on screen again.