Just This Once

Yes, I am a Degrassi executive, aged fifteen years old and not even in Canada! How amazing am I?

Clare Edwards had become the last thing that anyone expected of her; she had become a burner. It was now, as she looked in the mirror, did she see what she had done to herself. She didn't burn her arms, it was far too cliché for her. Too simple, she supposed. She figured you get tired of simplicity when your most trusted confident was Eli Goldsworthy. Alli was starting to drift, but they were still friends. Jenna and KC could go die in a hole, for all Clare was concerned. Darcy was still in Africa. Adam had his own problems to worry about. She had no one. Sure, she had Eli, but she knew all too well he would flip out on her if she told him he was harming herself. It all started when her parents began fighting.

-Flashback-

"Randall, just come with me just this once!" Mrs. Helen Edwards shouted at her husband, on the verge of begging.

"No Helen! I love our kids but I am sick and tired of these fundraisers. We go to every single one. They'll have to get used to us not being there!" Randall Edwards screamed back. Clare, in the sanctuary of her room, sighed and flinched as she heard something break downstairs. She mustered up all the guts she could find in herself and marched down the spiral staircase, her face quickly contorting to a pained mask with tears leaking out of her eyes. When she rounded the corner, she saw her father bent over a shattered vase with a mixture of tulips, peonies, irises and daffodils scattered not too far in front of him, lying in a small puddle of water. Her father hacked and gingerly picked up the broken pieces of the vase.

"Stop it!" She shrieked, "Just stop!"

Helen quickly stopped her pacing and crossed the room to her daughter. "Stop what, Sweetheart?" She asked kindly, no indication that she was yelling at Clare's father only moments ago.

"Stop arguing! I can hear you from my room!"

"Clare, your father and I aren't arguing. We're simply having a discussion; grown up things, Sweetheart, you wouldn't understand."

Clare sniffled. "I understand more than you realize, Mom. You didn't notice Darcy was having problems and it was because of your ignorance that we almost lost her!" Clare accused, her body wracked with tears and her voice intensely distraught.

"Clare, please go upstairs and get ready for the fundraiser. You're father won't be joining us tonight."

Clare turned on her heel and started up the stairs, her blue eyes glistening as she stormed past her parents' bathroom. She crept inside as stealthily as she could, peeping in the medicine cabinet over the toilet for something, a razor blade, pills, anything. Instead, a cigarette lighter popped out and clanked softly into the porcelain sink. Clare wondered whose it could be, her mother's or her father's? She noticed her father had been coughing a lot more than usual, no way could it be a common cold and they'd all been immunized with the flu vaccine last month. It must've been her fathers. Poking around the cabinet, she discovered several more lighters and decided it wouldn't hurt to take just this one. She hurried back to her room, smuggling the lighter in her jean pocket with her shirt draped over it as to hide it. When she landed in the safety of her room, she closed the door tightly and wished she had a lock on it, but her parents felt that their children should have nothing to hide from them and therefore should not have a lock.

"Just this once." She whispered and rolled her shirt up to her bra line and twisted the lighter open with her thumb and index finger. She flicked it on and brought the fire down upon her ribs, wincing at the first contact but suddenly felt a numb sensation coming over the area where flame met skin. A scar was already beginning to form. Clare repeated the process several more times, keeping it to her rib cage, right near the bra line. She smiled at the small scars and pulled off her clothes, scampering to her closet and plucking a nice dress, church approved, she threw it over her body, put a headband in her hair and slipped on a pair of flats. She grinned at her reflection in the mirror, pressed a tender hand to her ribs and hurried down the stairs to meet her mother.

-Flashback Over-

Clare looked over all the damage to her body. Her scars had been extended all the way down to her belly-button. She touched each one of them, pushing down ever so lightly to see if she still found it painful. They weren't. A loud slam came from across the hall. Her parents were fighting again. She pulled the lighter from deep in her desk drawer, connecting the flame to her taut stomach flesh. She felt the same burning sensation before the relief came and she sighed, contentedly. Her computer pinged, making her drop the lighter which was, thankfully, unlit by now. Clare rolled the bottom of her shirt down and took her time making her way to the computer. She knew it was Eli. It was always Eli. And Eli could wait. It was only fair for the way he made her heart beat erratically whenever she was around him. Sure enough, Eli's screen name popped up on her monitor.

Hey Blue-Eyes. What's going on?

Clare rolled her eyes at his casual use of the nickname he'd given her.

'Just burning myself.' Clare had typed, but backspaced it, hesitating before retyping a new message. Nothing, enjoying the quiet of my parents' temporary cease fire.

Is that why you were typing and then hesitated and resumed typing?

Actually I got dust in my eye and typed 'Zugf=rfgarf'

Nice job Edwards. Now maybe you can tell me what's really wrong.

Clare panicked for a moment. Had Eli always been so perceptive? Her fingers hovered over her keypad for a minute before typing a reply. There's nothing wrong. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Alli on her sleepover plans for tonight. With that, Clare signed off and leaned back in her chair, resting her head on her arms after shoving her keypad aside.

Meanwhile, Eli Goldsworthy frowned at the computer and Clare's parting words. Something was up. He mentioned that something may be wrong and she suddenly found a reason to log off. Not the Clare he knew. He understood the stress of having your parents argue but didn't get why she felt she had to lie to him. He, of all people, understood pain. Of course, her lying was just an assumption, but Eli's assumptions normally tended to be right. He checked his friends list to see that Alli was online. He didn't know why he had Alli on his friends list, he just though it might come in handy. This wasn't what he had in mind. He quickly typed a message to Alli.

Hey Bhandari?

Her reply came immediately. Yes, Goldsworthy?

Are you having a sleepover tonight?

No, Eli. And even when I do have a sleepover, no boys allowed.

That wasn't why I asked. Eli's mental voice hissed

Then why did you ask?

Nothing. Curiosity.

Curiosity killed the cat.

Ignorance killed the cat, curiosity was framed. Besides, I can't die.

Later Eli.

Bye Alli.

Eli smirked at the computer. He was right. Then he frowned. That means Clare was lying to him. He picked up his phone, entered his messaging menu and clicked the first name which, of course, was hers.

Hey Clare? You know you can talk to me if something is wrong, right?

Her response came a few minutes later. She was probably deciding if she should text him back. That was one of the things that he liked about Clare. She was just so easy to read. He also found she was a hopeless liar. Either that or he was scarily perceptive. It could go either way.

Over in the Edwards house, Clare lay on her stomach, facing the end of her bed. She bit her lip as she read the words Eli had typed over and over. Her mind was reeling as she tried to figure out what she should do. Tell him what she had done to herself? No. She wasn't going to a rehab for something like that. Clare Edwards was perfectly fine, thank you very much. She could lie. Yeah, she could. It's not like Eli could read her mind or listen to the way she spoke. Yeah, it wouldn't hurt to lie to Eli one time.

Yes, Eli. I know that and if something was wrong, I would talk to you about it.

Eli responded instantly. That's all that matters.

Clare took an uneasy breath and texted Eli for a bit, her mind still wrapped around the fact that she had just lied to Eli. She was more amazed that he hadn't called her out on it yet. "Get a grip on yourself, Edwards. He can't hear you and he can't see you. It won't kill anyone to lie to Eli, just this once.