Rookie Blue

Andy McNally & Sam Swarek

-Regret-

…

At this moment, Sam Swarek is the most emotional he's ever been in his entire life. He's pacing back and forth in a hallway of the police station, as many staff members rush around him, desperately trying to come up with something to help ease the chaos around them. Everyone is on edge; the entire department is even at risk of falling apart if this story hits the news.

…

Detective Derek Bibby, also known as an upstanding law enforcement officer, was liked and supported by several other members of the department.

That is, until earlier today, when he was exposed for what he really is: a thief, a murderer, and a criminal.

This all came out in the open because of two rookies: Officers Chris Diaz and Andy McNally.

Yet, going in, they had no idea how big this case really was. They knew it was big, especially because it was an extremely difficult decision, as two young, new cops on the force, whether or not to accuse one of their own brothers in blue, but they could have never anticipated that this would have happened as a result of doing so.

…

Sam kept pacing, looking around anxiously, his eyes moist and his vision blurry. He became dizzy all of a sudden and had to sit in one of the many chairs lined up against the wall. His right hand gripped the bar on the side of his chair so tight that his knuckles turned white. His left palm was against his forehead, his fingers rubbing his temples angrily.

He looked up momentarily and saw Detective Callaghan, rushing around in the conference room directly in front of him, desperately trying to come up with a lead on the case. Luke was a mess. He was both furious and agitated. As much as it sickened Sam's stomach to look at him, he studied Callaghan's every move, noting his demeanor. He'd never seen Luke so bent out of shape about something. Yet he understood why.

…

Sam remembered watching Andy leaving the station, wanting to catch up with her to apologize, but stopping in his tracks as he saw Callaghan approach her. Immediately, he had put two and two together. He had forgotten about the fishing trip they had planned. So there he stood, motionlessly watching the turn of events unfold between them. From where he stood, he watched Andy's expression carefully. As Callaghan came into her line of sight, she looked like she, too, had forgotten about their plans.

Then, she walked closer to him, put one of her hands on his chest, and just as Sam turned to leave, not wanting to see them kiss, he caught a glimpse of Andy start crying. He turned back at once, concerned. She kept shaking her head back and forth, as she explained something to Luke. He looked thoroughly disappointed and confused. Sam tried reading her lips.

"I'm sorry, it's just- there's a lot of stuff going on right now and I- I just need a break." He could see her say to him before turning and walking away.

She had broken up with him.

Now, she was headed towards Sam, but not to talk to him, because the exit to the station was about 10 ft. in front of him.

As Sam started towards Andy, she saw him. She looked into his eyes, angry and hurt, and bit her lower lip as she shook her head no. She didn't want to talk. All she wanted was to be left alone. So Sam respected her wishes.

…

As Sam thought about this, it just built up his rage even more.

…

It was about an hour after Andy had left, while Sam was catching up on some paperwork, that the devastating news had been spread throughout the station. Boyko, obviously infuriated, came out of his office and got everyone's attention. Sam looked inside the open door to Boyko's office, seeing Diaz's face, stricken with fear. Now, he was worried. Boyko never got angry unless something was wrong, and by the looks of everyone around him who had previously been briefed, something was definitely wrong.

"Everyone listen up. This morning, two rookies, McNally and Diaz, came across a severely beaten man. Their investigation into it eventually led to one of our own as a suspect: Detective Derek Bibby." Boyko started.

Sam's eyes widened, along with everyone else in the station, accompanied by a few gasps and whispers.

"This accusation turned out to be true. Bibby was involved in a massive conspiracy. He had stolen thousands of dollars of evidence while on the job. Our two rookies confronted him about this, and it went awry."

Boyko was irritated, but tried to hide it.

"Diaz just received a voicemail ten minutes ago from McNally," he continued, "and in the message she stated that she thought Bibby was following her. It turns out she was right, because while she was parked and leaving the voicemail, he had approached her and grabbed her at gunpoint. Now, we need to locate them because she's in serious danger, and I need everyone working this case. Keep a trap open on both their cell phones in case they turn back on. If either of them does, trace it."

He then walked quickly back into his office, and continued to get information out of Diaz.

…

Millions of thoughts ran through Sam's head then, all at the same time.

Oh my god, Andy's in trouble. That's impossible... I just saw her walk out about an hour ago…

Why didn't she come to me about-?

Sam stopped. His heart lurched. His throat seemed to close up.

…

"You can stop avoiding me now." A cold sting rang through Andy's voice.

"Listen, man, can I call you back? Yeah, I'll call you back, alright, okay."

Sam hangs up the phone and turns to Andy, looking at her pointedly.

"Avoiding you?"

"Yeah, running away every time you see me? Fine, it was what it was, whatever, you know, I'm not going to over think it, but you're still my training officer, right?"

"Yeah." Sam said childishly.

"Okay, that means that I can come to you with a problem, no matter what that problem is or who it is with?"

"Sure. What? You and Callaghan fighting over who gets top bunk at the cabin?"

"Ohh, that's hilarious. I'm referring to a case, Sam." Andy says with hurt and anger audible from her tone.

She studies him for a few seconds. Realizing that he wasn't going to drop his sarcastic attitude any time soon, she snaps back, ending the conversation, and walking away.

"You know what, screw it."

…

Sam could have died right there as everything began falling into place. He'd been so caught up in himself, so childish and juvenile, that when she needed him the most, he wasn't there for her.

If only he'd listened to her then, if he'd been even the slightest bit more mature...

If only he'd stopped her on her way out, refusing to let her leave without apologizing and making amends.. then maybe she would have talked to him, told him about the case, then he could have stopped her, warned her.

Or, if worse came to worst, she could've called him instead of Diaz. He would have answered. Maybe helped her in some way, or told her what to do.

Oh, what he'd give to hear her voice one last time.

If only...

…

Now, as Sam sat in the chair, his head pounding and heart racing, the pain he felt nearly consumed him. This time, he could blame himself. It was his fault.

…

"It's regret, I think, that really is the worst kind of pain. Yeah, guilt and sadness are bad too, but regret is ultimately the sickly combination of both." -Author Unknown