Sheepskin Vests

There's really only ever been one reason why I hated Near. As opposed to Mello, who hates him for everything, sometimes I actually enjoyed playing a chess game or two with the albino. My problem was that there were actually some people on Fanfiction(yes, fucking Fanfiction) who had the nerve to pair him with Mello.

Seriously.

Open your eyes, people. First of all, Mello hates Near. Like, wants him to burn. And even though Near might like Mello, Mello does not reciprocate his feelings. So take that, sheep.

Hold on. I need to get a new smoke.

Okay. Where was I? Oh, yeah. My second reason.

Have you ever heard of the phrase "A dog is a man's best friend?" Mhm. I've read enough fanfictions to admit that I do act like a dog sometimes. But only occasionally. Just because I get chocolate for Mello without him even asking, or that I obey his every command, or that I'd gladly fly halfway across the world to help him doesn't mean I'm a dog.

Anyway, the phrase, and me about a dog, blah, blah, blah. Damn, where was I? Right. So, metaphorically speaking, I'm a dog. And a dog is a man's best friend. In this case, Mello is the man. In conclusion, that quote proves that Mello and I belong- Ahem, I mean, it proves that Mello and I get along better than he would with Near.

Look at it this way. Mello's the man, right? So let's make Near the sheep. Men and sheep never equal to a good thing. Have you seen what those fuckin' farmers do to the sheep they raise on their farm? They shave them. Then they take the wool and make it into clothes, leaving the sheepies all naked and pink and disgusting. If I was completely cruel, I'd tell Mello about this, because I'd get the joy of seeing Near being sheared. It's one of my favorite fantasies, actually. Why do you think I wear a sheepskin vest, even if it's faux?

Additionally, dogs are just overall better than sheep. They're cuddlier, most importantly. Sheep wool, contrary to popular belief, can be rough and not-so-soft, while on the other hand, dogs have sleek fur that's nice to run your hand through.

Also, dogs can fit in doorways. I'm just saying. I've seen photos on the Internet with sheep stuck through doorways because they're too woolly. Not that I'm implying Near's fat.

Oh, and that reminds me of one other thing. You can't feed dogs chocolate. I'm not too sure about sheep, but I'm pretty sure you can feed them toys and they wouldn't care. What I'm trying to say that if you're a certain chocoholic with a leather fetish, then you'd want a slav-I mean, pet that you won't have to share your secret stash with.

And, dogs are more loyal than sheep. Who knows? Your pet sheep can one day betray you for a new patch of grass to munch on. Seriously.

Moving on from the topic of Near and I being animals, Mello also doesn't own the twelfth manga of Death Note, when he has all of the other ones. He tells me it's because he doesn't want to be reminded that Near won, but secretly, I think it's because he doesn't want to read me dying again.

Personally, the twelfth book is my favorite. Not only do I get to be in a badasss car chase there, but after I die, Mello apologizes. And...fuck, that's probably the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. That's why I have that specific page laminated, framed, and hidden in my Stash Box, along with a picture of Mello half naked and-

Shit. I never told you that, you hear me? If I find out that-

Oh, double shit. Mello's home. I'll have to end this quick.

In conclusion, it's evident that I could be a better boyfrie-I mean, friend to Mello than Near.

Now that I've finished ranting, I need to close that MattxMello fanfiction I've been reading and give Mello those expensive chocolates I bought. $30 for a single fucking bar, but it's Mello we're talking about here. It's so worth it.

-Matt