Title: This Love, This Hate

Part 3: Escalation

By: Ceris Malfoy

Summary: It was a sick cycle of love and hate, one they both wanted to be free of, but one they refused to give up.

Inspiration: Eminem's "Love the Way You Lie". This song practically screamed Megatron/Starscream to me, and I had to write it. Beware, this is not a happy story.

Warnings: (for the whole fic) mentioned non-con, abuse, character death (as it appears in canon!), foul language, semi-explicit sticky, slash

Continuity: AU G1, starts pre-war

Status: Part 3 of 5

"This state is elevating as the hurt turns into hating,

anticipating all the fucked up feelings again.

The hurt inside is fading,

this shit's gone way too far!

All this time, I've been waiting

and, oh, I can not grieve anymore.

For what's inside awaiting,

I'm not, I'm not a whore.

You've taken everything and

oh I can not give anymore."

-KoRn, "Here to Stay"

Starscream sat, helm in servos, and contemplated the empty void that had once been his bond. There was nothing were once had been the center of his existence; even the faint echo that had once served to remind him that no matter how bad things got he and Megatron were forever tied was missing. Apparently his off-lining, no matter how temporary the state of death ended up, had been too much for the already too-stressed bond to handle. Theirs was a love that should have prevailed; a love for the ages to be remembered long after they both offlined.

But somewhere along the lines he and Megatron had simply fallen apart. There was nothing left but the insults, beatings, humiliation, and a hatred that was just as deep and all-consuming as their love had been. He had stayed as long as he had, despite everything, because he had hoped that the two of them would learn better. But now…

Starscream raised his helm and stared at his reflection in the monitor. One whole side of his elegantly formed facial platting was bashed in, one optic a shattered wreck of dull-crimson glass and sparking wires. He tentatively touched the damaged side, mentally thanking the palliative drugs he had administered upon awakening when the touch produced merely a dull-throb where he knew should have been a roaring inferno of pain. And his ruined facial plating was not even the worst of the damage he had taken – he refused to look down at the rest of him. Knowing what Megatron had done to him was bad enough; he didn't want to see the results of it.

"This has to end," he told his reflection.

He was tired of always being the one made to hurt; tired of being the one constantly crawling back to a situation he knew was entirely out of control; tired of knowing that it was far too late to just simply pick up and leave. He'd had his chance, and look how that had turned out! He had doomed them both to this sick cycle a long time ago the very first time he had given in and believed Megatron's pretty lies. Even now, even with all the pain and hatred between them, even when his former-mate had struck the blow that had killed him temporarily, he wanted nothing more than to have his lover back. He wanted to be held close and needed again. He wanted to belong to something greater than himself again.

Megatron was all he had.

"This has to end," he told his reflection again, somewhat desperately. He needed to be strong; needed to find someway to take control of the situation and break free of Megatron. Taking the cowards way out and running had failed horribly – a fact his battered, broken, and repeatedly-violated frame could easily attest to. He had once thought that leaving everything behind him would provide the answer – even if it meant off-lining alone and starving in the cold void of space.

Now though…

Starscream's reflection stared back at him with broken facial plating and a destroyed optic. Shifting his gaze a bit, he could see where his once-proud wings should have just teased the edge of the monitor. Now there was nothing.

He shuddered, his spark whirling in combined grief and rage. He could see only two ways to leave this cycle of theirs behind him. Either he gave in and allowed Megatron to continue beating him into the ground for little-to-no reason until one day the Decepticon Commander went too far and permanently offlined him, or he escalated the violence in hopes that he could kill Megatron first. Because, unfortunately, Starscream knew that this was what they were reduced to; what he would be reduced to if he wanted to break free.

He could either have his life, or he could have Megatron. He could never have both, and in either regard his pride was forfeit.

Glancing at where his wings should be, and then down his chassis (broken, just like the rest of him) and further down where his interfacing panel was (where it should have been, at any rate – Primus only knows what had happened to it after Megatron had ripped it off) and thought long and hard. He wanted Megatron. But he also wanted to be happy or, baring that (because he knew that happiness for him was short-lived and highly expensive), without regret.

If he allowed this to continue…. He glanced over at the bent and twisted frames of his null-rays gleaming in the corner of the room, studied them, noted every detail of their ruination. Megatron had made them unusable, had with his bare servos completely destroyed their simple elegance and deadly power. The Decepticon Commander would do the same to him if he hadn't already. Sure, the null-rays could be rebuilt, as could his body, but the memory of it would never go away. He would never be able to wield a null-ray in battle without the memory of just how easily they could be torn off of him and destroyed; he would never be able to look at himself again without seeing the damage Megatron had dealt him over the vorns.

In the end, there really was no choice, was there? He met his gaze in the mirror again, watched the decision settle on his busted face. "Never again," he said.

Oh boy, now it's gonna get interesting. XD

This segment takes place directly after the second one. I had been intending on writing out Megatron's reaction to Starscream abandoning him explicitly, but it didn't turn out so hot. I could write out the violence, the abuse, and the cruel mocking just fine – it was the rape that ended up sounding wrong, which in turn made the whole segment sound wrong. So, I decided to err on the side of caution and just do Starscream's portion.

As the center point in the story, I wanted it to be the portion where Starscream begins to undergo his change from abuse-victim to his G1 characterization, whom isn't so much an abuse-victim as he is a raging nut-bar. Megatron finally pushed him too far, took far too much from him, and now he's left with no other option but to push back or roll over and die.

And considering Starscream's canonical stubbornness when it comes to death and staying dead…. Well, let's just say the choice is definitely pretty friggin' easy.

EDIT 2/25/2011: I'm going through this entire story and editing it a bit. Primarilly fixing some spelling errors, adding a few sentences here and there, and changing the songs I use. I found some better ones. XD