Insanity in Pegasus
by Bil!

K+ - Romance, Humour – John/Elizabeth – Part 1 of 3

Summary: In which John is obsessed, Carson is amused, and Elizabeth may just die of embarrassment. Sanity is overrated anyway.

Season: One, but a season one that was stretched out over a couple of years instead of just one year. So they've been out in Pegasus a couple of years but haven't made any contact with Earth yet.

Spoilers: None.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, can't you see?
It is instead that they own me.
I don't intend to steal them so –
But they never let me go.
So please don't sue me for this fic,
I never meant a word of it.

A/N: This story will have three chapters and wind up at ten thousand words. This story was actually a total accident. Seriously. A long accident, but oh well. And, er, Simon? Who's Simon?

Chapter One – Generally Known As "Uh-Oh"

Pausing in the controlroom on the way to her office, Elizabeth glanced down over Peter's shoulder to look unseeingly at the readouts on his computer, then looked around as John came up the stairs two at a time. He paused at the top, grinned at her across the controlroom, and called: "Hey, Elizabeth? Will you marry me?"

For a moment she thought she must have imagined it, but one glance around the room at the shocked faces staring at either her or John told her that no, he really had just walked in and asked... that. Reluctantly she returned her gaze to his face. The grin still quirked his lips and he looked completely unconscious of the amazement every other person within earshot was experiencing.

With a lift of his eyebrows, he prodded, "Well?"

"I beg your pardon?" she managed to find her voice. It almost came out level and composed as well, which was something of a minor miracle.

Not looking at all put out, he bounced into the controlroom and stopped a couple of feet away from her, looking far too cheerful for somebody who had just asked that. "Will you marry me?" he repeated. Apparently their ears hadn't been deceiving them.

"Aren't you missing a few steps?" she demanded in shock. "Like, I don't know, a date?" Which, she realised belatedly, wasn't quite the objection she should have been making to that question, but she was far too stunned at this bizarre behaviour for her brain to be working and didn't think she could be blamed for a few idiocies just now.

"Okay," he agreed obediently. "Wanna go on a date? With me," he added as if worried she might misunderstand him. She wished she had misunderstood him.

"Are you feeling all right?" she asked. Because seriously, John Sheppard did not come bouncing into the controlroom with proposals dripping from his lips.

"I feel fine. Why do you ask?"

"Maybe because you've gone insane?" inserted a voice from the back of the controlroom.

Elizabeth bit her lip, though she wasn't sure if she was trying not to laugh or not to cry. "Come on, John, let's go and see Carson."

"I don't think the Infirmary's a good place for a date," he said seriously, and Elizabeth heard muffled laughter behind her. Frankly, she couldn't blame whoever it was. If this hadn't been real life it would have closely resembled a farce.

"We're not going on a date, John, we're going to get you checked out." Since he didn't seem inclined to move on his own she linked her arm with his and gently moved him away. Veryaware as she did so of the eyes fixed on their backs as they made their way out of the room and towards the nearest transporter.

"You don't want to date me?" John asked plaintively. Startled, she looked at him to find a completely crushed look on his face; it could have been funny but the pain in his eyes was too real for humour.

"I didn't say that," she said, rather against her better judgement. "I just want Carson to make sure you're not sick."

"Then you do want to date me?" he asked hopefully. Elizabeth had a very strong urge to bang her head against the wall because he looked like a child holding a Christmas present that he really really hoped was going to be the one toy he'd asked for.

"John..."

"You don't," he concluded dolefully, his mood plummeting again.

"That's not what I meant!" she was coerced into saying. "I just... I want to make sure that you really mean what you're saying before I say anything, all right?"

Shy hope flickered onto his face and she groaned inwardly. Because shy was not a word normally associated with John and she wanted to take away his uncertainty but she didn't even know what she was feeling right now.

It wasn't every day you found yourself in charge of an alien city cut off from all contact with your homeplanet with life-sucking aliens hovering overhead – and then had your second in command (who might just be the best friend she'd ever had) go drippy with proposals and an apparent desire to date you. Okay, so life had gotten a little crazy in the past couple of years, but this was too crazy. And it wasn't even as if he'd been offworld any time in the last week. How could he have gotten into trouble in Atlantis? And was it going to be serious trouble?

John caught her eye and beamed at her. Elizabeth knew her return smile was a little shaky but he didn't seem to notice. She hoped Carson would be able to get him back to normal soon. Before, preferably, she managed to either say something incriminating or smack John over the head to take that look off his face.

Carson accepted them into the Infirmary, listened to Elizabeth's explanation (and laughed, which irritated her immensely), and turned to John. John, who had spent the entire explanation with his eyes fixed on Elizabeth. John, who didn't seem to notice he was being looked at because his eyes were still fixed on Elizabeth. "So, Major," Carson said cheerfully, "let's take a look at you, shall we?" John's attention flickered, realising he was being spoken to.

Relieved, Elizabeth went to make good her escape. Too slowly.

"Elizabeth? Where are you going?" There was no mistaking the anxious note in his voice.

She ran a hand over her face and turned back to John, who was trying to get off the bed while Carson tried to stop him. "Nowhere, apparently," she said, resigning herself to her fate and walking back into the room.

John stopped trying to escape, much to Carson's relief, and beamed at her. "You can sit here," he said, patting the bed next to him. Elizabeth sighed but wasn't immune to the pleading look in his eyes. To refuse would be like kicking Jinto. She perched on the foot of the bed, as far away from him as possible.

She hadn't thought it would work and it didn't. John scooted down the bed to sit beside her, making Carson mutter with irritation, though he didn't get quite close enough to touch her. He beamed at her with such happiness that Elizabeth couldn't help but smile back.

Then she looked at Carson. "Now do you believe me?"

"Oh, I believe you, all right," he said with feeling. "This is not the Major's normal behaviour."

John apparently didn't mind begin talked about as if he wasn't there – which was just another indication of how unlike himself he was.

Though Elizabeth did her best not to look at him as Carson carried out his tests, she couldn't help but be aware that whenever his attention wasn't demanded elsewhere John was looking at her. Not quite staring... Gazing was probably the best word for it. Like she was the one good thing left in the world, actually. It was disturbing and out of character and... and okay, maybe a little flattering. So she tried very hard to pretend it wasn't happening.

And succeeded so well that when something brushed against her hand she almost jumped out of her skin. She looked down just as John slipped his hand into hers and laced his fingers through hers. For a moment she froze, then she went to pull her hand back but made the mistake of looking up and meeting John's eyes. He looked so happy and hopeful – and really, all he was doing was holding her hand. Why not let him have that if he wanted it so much?

Carson turned back to them and took in this new development, raising his eyebrows. Elizabeth shot him a helpless look. Well, what did he expect her to do?

Not being suicidal, he refrained from comment. "Well, Major," he said instead, "so far there's nothing wrong with you. But I'm waiting on the results of the blood tests before I'll say anything for sure."

"There has to be something," Elizabeth said desperately. John's fingers were warm and gentle around hers and she really wanted to pull away but knew she'd only find herself in some new trouble if she did. She was starting to think she'd find herself in a different sort of trouble if she didn't, though.

"I agree," Carson said, looking pointedly to her trapped hand. "But if the bloodwork comes out clean..."

"It won't," she said firmly. There had to be a reason for this – and a cure. It simply wasn't allowed for there to be any other reality.

John squeezed her hand. "What's wrong, Elizabeth?" he asked softly. "You look worried."

"I am worried," she said truthfully, turning to him.

Concern darkened his eyes. "I don't want you to be worried."

"Well, I'm afraid you don't have a lot of control over the situation," she said, a little too tartly. He didn't notice. "What were you doing before you came to find me?"

He pursed his lips, thinking. "I was looking for you."

"Before that," she said.

"I was thinking about you."

"Before that," she persevered. Carson's grin was not helping.

"Um... I think McKay was there."

Carson's grin fled. "In a lab?" he demanded.

John shrugged. "Maybe," he said without interest.

"Try to think, John," Elizabeth urged him. "Where were you when you were with Rodney?"

He smiled brightly at her. "Okay. Um... I was in McKay's lab. He had a statue. It was pretty ugly, though." His smile widened even further. "Not like you."

Yes, there was definitely red in her cheeks. Trying to pretend there wasn't, Elizabeth tapped urgently at her radio. "Rodney, tell me this isn't your fault."

"Have you found him?" Rodney's voice crackled over the radio.

"If by 'him' you mean Major Sheppard, then yes."

Rodney completely failed to hear the edge in her voice. "Oh good. Send him back down here, will you? He isn't answering my calls."

"No, he was too busy asking me to marry him."

"If you—He was what?"

"You heard me."

"Oh no."

"That's not what I want to hear, Rodney."

"That wasn't supposed to happen!"

"That's still not what I want to hear, Rodney." She made no attempt to keep the bite out of her voice. If this was because of something Rodney had done then heads were going to roll.

"But he said there wasn't anyone—Yes, Radek, I know—No, look, if we hadn't—"

"Rodney!"

Rodney heaved a sigh. "Bring him down here. And I mean you, because he's not going to go with anyone else."

"Yes, Rodney, I gathered that."

"Oh."

"Please tell me you can fix this."

"I think so."

"Rodney!"

"I mean, of course I can! Don't worry. He'll be fine."

Elizabeth turned her radio off with a huff of irritation that made John look at her worriedly. She managed a smile for him. "Come on, John, we're going to go and see Rodney." She slipped off the bed and tugged at his hand.

"Okay," he said, hopping off the bed (and why couldn't he be this obedient all the time?). "Then can we go on a date?"

Elizabeth bit her tongue. "We'll see."

This seemed to satisfy him, even if it made Carson look at her oddly.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the last odd look she was destined to garner, since John refused to let go of her hand now. They had luck enough to pass no one observant in the hallways, but Rodney and Radek's eyes went almost immediately to Elizabeth and John's joined hands. She was just glad Aidan and Teyla were off on the Mainland for a few days to lend a hand over the harvest; the fewer people giving her funny looks the better.

"Answers, Rodney," she snapped, which swiftly got rid of any unwanted attention. John squeezed her fingers comfortingly and without thought she squeezed back.

"He agreed to it!" Rodney said defensively. "He said—"

"Rodney!"

Even Rodney wasn't immune to her rare but effective I-am-rapidly-losing-patience voice. "It was this," he said sulkily, pushing aside the mad scientist's collection of equipment on the lab bench so that she could see the object he and Radek had been studying. It was a figurine, about a foot high, of what looked like a stylised walrus (a badly stylised walrus) painted in clashing shades of pink, orange, and green.

"What in the name of sanity is that?" Carson demanded.

Elizabeth stared at it. How could the Ancients, the builders of Atlantis, possibly have made something that looked like that? "You were right, John, that is an ugly statue."

"Not like you," he said with simple pride, making her look at him in surprise. He reached up to brush at a curl on her cheek. "You're beautiful."

Maybe if it had just been the reverent tone she could have handled it, but the look in his eyes was equally sincere. Elizabeth blushed. "Thank you," she said stiffly and fought down the urge to order him to wipe that smug look off Rodney's face. "I hope you have some answers for me, Rodney," she said sharply, which was almost as effective. "I take it this..." She waved helplessly at the statue with her free hand.

"Monument to bad taste," Carson supplied.

"Is what caused..." Damn, she hadn't had this much trouble finishing a sentence in years. "Major Sheppard's behaviour."

"Yes, yes." Rodney nodded. "We found it in one of the new labs. The documentation with it said it was a... sort of like a matchmaking device, I guess you could call it."

"A matchmaking device." Elizabeth gave him an unconvinced look. "And this interested you because...?"

"It didn't! It was all Radek's idea!"

"It was not!" Radek protested. "I did not say—"

"Gentlemen! I don't care whose idea it was, I just want my second in command back in his normal state of mind! Is that too much to ask?"

"Matchmaking is wrong word," Radek decided. "It is an... attention-focussing device. It alters the focus of the subject's mind to concentrate on specific topic."

That made a lot more sense than the idea that her two top Ancient technology experts were playing with matchmaking devices. "So you thought this could help you."

"Yes!" Rodney said. "We thought it could make us more efficient. If we can get it to work then we can use it to increase our ability to concentrate even in difficult environments. You know, like if the Wraith attack. We wouldn't be distracted by thoughts of our impending doom." He looked at her hopefully. Elizabeth didn't give him any reason to feel he'd succeeded in softening her. "The problem is, it's currently stuck on what's basically the matchmaking setting."

"Which brings us to John. How?" How on Atlantis would anyone convince John to play with a matchmaking device?

"Well, according to the documentation we found, it's only supposed to work where the subject is already experiencing very strong feelings towards one person. And only one. And if you're not, then it won't actually do anything."

Elizabeth spread her free hand. "And? So?"

"So the device has to activate to tell if you're suitable or not, and so we thought if we had someone who wasn't suitable and they activated it then we'd be able to get readings when it's working without it actually doing anything."

"That sounds almost sensible, Rodney," Carson said.

"Hey, why the surprise? I can be sensible!" His mouth twisted. "And it was Radek's idea."

"But it did not work," Radek said, looking at John. They all looked at John. He didn't notice, too busy gazing again. Elizabeth looked away, willing her cheeks not to heat up.

"Well, he said there wasn't anyone!" Rodney protested. "I don't see how it's my fault that he doesn't know his own mind! How was I supposed to know he didn't even know what he was thinking?"

Elizabeth could feel a headache building up. "All right, back to this device. Do you know how to turn it off?"

"No," Rodney said defensively, talking quickly as if to keep from giving her the chance to tell him off. "That's why we wanted to take the readings. And since he was supposed to be a perfect subject there shouldn't have been a problem, we should have just got the readings and everything would have been fine and we would have had the time to go through the readings and figure out all the..." He trailed off under Elizabeth's look and tried to regather his thoughts. "So we turned it on and he just touched the thing and it hummed for a minute – we got some good data but we've still got to go through it all – and then he looked around and said, uh..."

" 'She's not here'," Radek supplied.

"Yes, that, and then he just walked out. Didn't say another word. Quite rude, actually."

"Why didn't you call someone?"

Rodney and Radek shared glances. "It didn't seem important," Rodney said simply.

"Not important? My chief military officer loses his mind and you don't think that's important?"

Rodney cowered under her glare. "Well, how was I supposed to know he'd lost his mind? He wasn't acting weird. Even not answering my calls isn't that unusual."

She had to admit he had a point. But not out loud. She pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. "So what are we dealing with here, exactly? This thing," she pointed at the statue, "has made him decide I'm..." She couldn't finish that sentence either. And now would be a really good time for John to let go of her hand.

"Oh no no no, it doesn't change anything in his mind," Rodney assured her hastily. "It just makes him focus on one thing that's already in his head, it's not introducing anything new. So anything he's done is something he'd already have... wanted..." He trailed off, accurately deciphering from Elizabeth's expression that she wasn't actually happy with the news he was giving her.

"Can you fix it?" she demanded through clenched teeth. "Real or not, he's not going to be a hell of a lot of use in this condition if the Wraith attack."

Possibly it was the unexpected swearword that made Rodney realise just how deep he'd dug himself this time. Realistically she should be angry at John too for agreeing to this little experiment, but it was hard to be angry at him when he was the one affected – not to mention that she knew he went along with Rodney's guinea pig trials because, despite his grumblings, he trusted Rodney to know when to draw the line. Unfortunately, sometimes Rodney's zeal got ahead of his ability.

"We can try," Radek said firmly, pushing his glasses up his nose and meeting her eyes. "We have the data from—"

"Yes yes," Rodney interrupted. "Of course we can fix it. No problem."

Strangely, Elizabeth was more comforted by Radek's acknowledged uncertainty.

Rodney spun around to turn to his monitor and the graphs squiggling across it. "Now this, look at this..."

Carson stepped forward around the bench to have a look. Elizabeth tried to follow, but John's fingers were still wrapped around hers. She turned to him. "John, I have to take a look at this. That means I need my hand back." Reluctantly he released her. "Thank you." She smiled at him and he beamed back.

Frankly, all this cheerfulness was getting a little freaky.

TBC