Captain Frank Hollister was seated behind his desk, his ample frame easily filling out the executive-style cushioned chair. He reclined back and received a pop-up notification on his monitor informing him that that he'd lost his fourth consecutive game of noughts and crosses against the computer. As he took a sip of stale coffee, there was a knock on his office door.

"Come in," the Captain said without looking up from his monitor.

Todhunter stepped into the office. He smiled briskly. "Good morning, Captain Hollister."

"Oh, good morning, Chris," said Hollister distractedly, closing the game window on his computer. "Close the door, will you?"

"Of course," Todhunter obliged.

"Did you get it?" said Hollister eagerly, eying a suitcase tucked under Todhunter's arm.

"Yes," said Todhunter, placing the suitcase on the table before Hollister. "Just as you asked for, to every specification. And these weren't easy to get, you know. Two of our best Officers were assaulted by Bliss freaks while waiting to make the arrangements."

Hollister rubbed his hands together with childish glee that seemed most unbecoming on a Captain, and opened the case to reveal a couple dozen golden brown doughnuts with white creme frosting and multicolored sprinkles.

The Captain picked up one of the doughnuts and examined it from all sides. "And they've got that custard in the middle?"

"Yes," said Todhunter, "with a strawberry swirl, just the way you like them, shuttled in this morning from Oberon's finest bakery."

"Good work," Hollister said, his mouth full of gooey, doughy, custard-filled goodness. "No one makes these like Oberon…"

"Is that all, sir?"

"No," said Hollister, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "I need you to bring me Lister."

The Captain's request for him to bring in such a low-ranking crew member that in the ordinary course of things should go a whole trip without seeing the Captain was perfectly routine to Todhunter by now. "And Rimmer as well?"

"Not this time," said Hollister, licking his fingers. "I've just got a bit of a demand for him disguised as a proposition. Lister can pass on the message to Rimmer for me; I need to get my Atenolol prescription refilled before I can have Rimmer in this office again."

The look on Todhunter's face was one of great understanding. No one associated with the Second Technician vending machine repairman too much if they could help it. Frankly, he had been surprised when Lister's boot laces weren't confiscated when he was placed in quarters with Rimmer.

"What kind of proposition?"

"I got this letter today;" said Hollister, holding up the paper he'd been reading when Todhunter had come in. "The Space Corp Commander is coming for a routine visit of Red Dwarf tomorrow afternoon. I was supposed to have a month's notice, but you know how those post pods are. And, as I'm sure you can understand, I want to make the best impression possible."

Todhunter nodded. "So what you're saying is that you want Rimmer and Lister out of your hair?"

Hollister pointed at Todhunter as if to say, you've got it. "Not just them—all of the, well, crew members who might prove embarrassing—Lister, Rimmer, Petersen, Chen, Selby, Headbanger Harris, and MacWilliams and the crowd he's always hanging around him."

"So what's your plan, exactly?"

Hollister smiled. "Let's just say I'm making them an offer they can't refuse."

...

Lister trudged along beside Todhunter. By now, Lister could find his way to the Captain's office with his eyes closed. He'd been in there just the other day when Hollister had told him that if he still had that diarrhea problem it was about time he checked himself into the medical unit. This had sounded like a good idea at the time, as it meant time to skive off work and not be around Rimmer, maybe even get to be in the company of an attractive nurse. Alas, he had been assigned the biggest, hairiest male nurse in the medical unit and Lister quickly found that this was not the kind of man he wanted to discuss his bowel movements with.

Lister scuffed his toe on the ground. "So am I in trouble or something?"

"Not this time," said Todhunter as they stopped outside the Captain's office.

"You mean Rimmer didn't put me on report for indecent exposure when I went to work with me fly down?"

"No, he did," said Todhunter. "We just chose to ignore it."

"Good call," Lister grinned, "I tried telling him the zipper was shot but he didn't believe me without documented proof of how and when it happened with photographic evidence."

"Well, here you are," said Todhunter, rapping his knuckles on the door and smiling in a way that said to Lister he had his deepest sympathies for sharing quarters with such an anal-retentive man.

Hollister called for them to enter. Todhunter opened the door for Lister, ushering him inside.

"Cheers," said Lister, stepping into the office. He heard Todhunter close the door behind him.

"Ah, Lister," Hollister welcomed as Lister gave him a sloppy salute with a noticeable hint of sarcasm, which the Captain chose to ignore. "Take a seat."

Lister did as he was told. "What've I done this time, sir? I've not been promoted, have I?"

"Do you see pigs flying?" said the Captain, leaning forward as far as his gut would allow. "But I have got some good news for you."

"Oh eh?" said Lister, mirroring Hollister. "What kind of good news?"

"Well, some of the other Officers and I decided to have a lottery with all of the crew member's names entered."

"Don't tell me I've won," Lister said, his eyes wide with over-exaggerated excitement.

Hollister beamed. "It's your lucky day!"

"And what's the prize, exactly? Cash? Paid vacation days? Maybe some fabulous tokens for the vending machines?"

"Try this—the prize is," Hollister paused for effect,"-an all-expense paid weekend-long planet leave to Miranda for you and your bunk mate. Everything will be covered from room service to towels you take and anything else pilfered from the room."

"Brutal!" Lister exclaimed. His smile faded. "Wait—did you say it's with me bunk mate?"

Hollister had hoped this would seem like a small, trivial detail next to a free holiday—he could see now that he was wrong.

"So what you're telling me is that I can have a free holiday—but I have to spend it with Rimmer?"

"That was part of the deal we put together for the winners, yes," said Hollister. "The JMC has always been a strong believer in the buddy system, especially since that time Harrison went to the toilet by himself at that park on Titan and winded up getting flushed down it. It was a roped-off fifty-foot toilet for show purposes only, but the engineers still made it fully-functioning and-"

"But you see, sir-most of the bunk mates don't hate each other," Lister interrupted, correctly assuming that this story couldn't possibly have a pleasant ending. "Hang on—if we both won, then how come you only brought me in, not Rimmer?"

"Let me level with you," said Hollister, folding his hands together. "I'm sure it comes as no surprise when I tell you that the Officers and I think Rimmer can be a little bit—uptight."

"You're telling me," Lister muttered, rubbing his forehead.

"I think a holiday will be good for Rimmer," said Hollister. "Get some martinis down him, encourage him to flirt with a few women—to relax, unwind. If anyone needs that, Rimmer does. But we need someone to go with him to make sure he doesn't get too relaxed and get into trouble."

"But why me?" Lister whined.

"You're his bunk mate," said Hollister simply. "You know him better than anyone else onboard ship. I think you'll find that you're the closest thing he could call to a friend."

"I think you'll find that you're wrong," said Lister. "The two of us hate each other. We're always arguing and having shouting matches—remember that time Lucas and McCallin next door reported us when they thought one of us was being murdered?"

"Use the time to get to know each other—to get over your differences."

"We'd need a lot more than one weekend to do that," Lister sighed. "When's this supposed to be?"

"Well, as you know, we're currently orbiting around Uranus—" Hollister paused as Lister put his fist in his mouth to stifle his immature snigger and continued, rolling his eyes. "We'll be docking near Miranda tomorrow morning. So you'd better get packing!"

"And it has to be this weekend ?" Lister had already made plans to get together with Chen, Selby and Petersen for drinks and to watch the London Jets play on the television in the Copacabana.

"Well, ideally—yes. The company has already paid for the whole thing."

"Sir, I'm not stupid," Lister said. "You might as well give it to me straight. I think I know what's going on here."

Hollister highly doubted this, but was curious nonetheless. "Oh?"

"This is because the Space Corp Commander is coming to visit Red Dwarf this weekend, isn't it?"

"How did you know that?" Hollister blustered. "That's confidential information, Lister!"

"The coffee machine on G Deck," Lister said. "It's always good for the daily hearsay. It's all over the ship, everyone's talking about it."

Hollister cursed the coffee machine under his breath. Lister grinned with satisfaction. "I was supposed to make that announcement myself tonight!"

"So I was right. There wasn't a lottery—you want to get rid of me and Rimmer for the weekend. You're afraid that we'll mess it up for you."

"And how did you know I planned on sending er-certain crew members away? It wasn't that damn coffee machine again, was it?"

"Nah," said Lister. "But it might've helped if you hadn't left your notes out on your desk."

Hollister smiled apologetically and stuffed his papers away. "Don't take offense—it's not just you and Rimmer. In fact, I think you'll be in very good company. Chen, Selby and Petersen will be sent to a mandatory catering course in Mirandian cuisine . But let's keep the real reason why between you and me, okay?"

Lister's outlook brightened considerably with the knowledge that he'd be able to ditch Rimmer and go drinking with his best mates as soon as they landed. He found himself reminiscing the last time he'd been on planet leave with the boys from catering and had got so drunk Friday night that they swore off alcohol until Sunday morning. That was especially saying something for Petersen, who had been in a state of perpetual drunkenness since he was twelve.

At Lister's temporary silence, Hollister hastily continued, "You'll also be given a credit card courtesy of the JMC to do what you like with. In return, all you have to do is put up with Rimmer."

Lister mentally weighed the options. He was going to be stuck with Rimmer for the weekend anyway, just like any other weekend. It might as well be somewhere with a pool and massage tables.

"I'd accept this offer if I were you," Hollister said while Lister mulled it over. "I'm not letting Rimmer screw this up for me. If you can just keep him away for a little more than forty-eight hours, I'll pay you an extra week's salary in advance."

"We'll take the holiday," said Lister quickly.

"Good," said Hollister pleasantly, "Because I wouldn't have taken no for answer." He opened up his desk drawer and slid a manila folder across the table to Lister. "Here are all your details."

Lister opened up the envelope and thumbed through the papers as Hollister explained, "You'll be staying at the Miranda Hilton, and you'll have full access to all hotel services provided. You and Rimmer are to check in as soon as you arrive on Miranda to give me some peace of mind. Your shuttle departs from Hangar 12 at 10:55 sharp, that's AM, Lister. And the Star Fleet Commander arrives at noon, so you get the idea of how I want things to work. You and Rimmer will be on planet leave from Saturday morning to Monday afternoon, when your checkout at the hotel will be 11 AM, at which point you are to go to the shore shuttles and get back to Red Dwarf or you'll be reported as AWOL. Got it?"

"Yeah, I've got it," Lister said. "Can I go now, sir? Like you said, I've got some packing to do. You wouldn't want me still hanging around when the Space Corp geezer turns up, would you?"

"Go on," Hollister waved Lister off like a pesky fly. Lister had his hand on the doorknob when he said, "Oh, and Lister? Make sure Rimmer doesn't catch on to the real reason you're there. And I think you'd both have a much more pleasant time if he thinks you actually want him there."

Lister winced. "I think it might be hard to make that seem convincing, sir."

"I know," said Hollister. "But give it your best shot."

Lister thought of the extra weeks pay and said, "I'll try, sir."

"Good. You're dismissed."

Author's Notes: Well, there's chapter one, I hope you enjoyed and there's definitely more to come. Oh, and reviews are a wonderful thing ;)