A/N: I've been working on this parody of the entire series for years. I may (in fact, probably) have borrowed some other people's jokes, as this started for my own private amusement and I wasn't being too conscientious; let me know if I owe you some credit. Furthermore, this thing so imbued with fandom in-jokes that I really probably should have started posting long before everyone migrated in droves to Twilight, Avatar, and the Star Trek revival. But it's too funnot to share. We'll start with DH, the book for which I have most accomplished...
CHAPTER ONE: Yet Another Ominous Non-Harry-POV Opening
READERS: Gaaaah! Snape! *swoon* Snape! Snape! We know you are like so totally good! We're not fooled!
SNAPE: Cease your nattering. I am deep within the wheels and cogs and machinations of superspying. Your squealing will give me away to Yaxley.
READERS: Who the hell is Yaxley, and why should we care?
NOISE: *threatening!*
YAXLEY: Wah! *withdraws wand* Hyah!
HARMLESS PEACOCK: *emerges*
ANIME SWEATDROP: *oh, shut up, you animephobic pendants, it's utterly appropriate*
SNAPE: Note how unruffled and awesome I am.
YAXLEY: Lucius is a toff and a twat, and I am not at all jealous of his milky-white peacocks. Grrr!
SNAPE: ... Fortunately, I am in superspy!mode, and need say nothing.
DRACO: *unable to take his eyes from the figure hanging upside-down from the ceiling* Look at me practicing subtlety.
SNAPE: Poor twit.
READERS: ... Neither Draco nor Lucius appear to have been offed by Voldie.
DRACO AND LUCIUS: More's the pity.
SNAPE: After Potter is transported, he will be hidden at the home of one of the Order.
VOLDEMORT: Hmm. I wonder whose?
DEATH EATERS: *stumped silence*
READERS: *try not to snigger, the poor babies can't help the Dark-Arts-induced brain damage*
NEW CHARACTER: Named Pius Thicknesse.
READERS: What the hell kind of name is Pius Thicknesse?
SNAPE: An appropriate one. Silence! *eyeballs them*
READERS: *terrified and delighted to be Snape-eyeballed*
VOLDEMORT: It's not that I'm pathetic. Only luck and chance have thwarted my past... erm... half-dozen attempts to kill the underage wizard.
DEATH EATERS: Only luck and chance. Nothing face-threatening, of course. Seriously, only the Dark-Arts-induced brain damage allows us to keep straight faces.
VOLDEMORT: I need a wand. Let's see, which one of you do I want to symbolically castrate? Lucius, old friend! I'll score major points with the rabblerousers if I humiliate you.
LUCIUS: Whimper.
NARCISSA: Follow my lead, Lucius, and take it like a man! *ramrod*
LUCIUS: I get to reveal what my wand's made of. Great moment for my fangirls, if I still have any of those.
SNAPE: *aside* I've taken over your fandom, actually.
ADMIRAL ZHAO (OF "AVATAR"): Narcissa fangirls hopped fandoms to find her a new boyfriend, too. *flexes muscles*
LUCIUS: I wish I were back in Azkaban.
VOLDEMORT: I'll now engage in sinisterly threatening discourse with you, Malfoys, while casually stroking my huge-ass pet snake.
LUCIUS: See above comment.
BELLATRIX: Oh, my Lord! It's so hot when you pet that snake!
MALFOYS: *mutter* Traitor psycho she-monster.
VOLDEMORT: Oh, yeah, that reminds me. You lot all hear the one about the disowned Malfoy relative who just married Britain's Most Eligible Werewolf? No, not our filthy half-breed psycho for hire. Their filthy half-breed psycho for hire.
DEATH EATERS: OMG hilarious!
READERS: OMG sweet!
SNAPE: *as DE's loll on the floor and fangirls squee* Once again, I am the only sane man in two universes.
ROWLING: See how I've corrected the moral ambiguity I was causing in young girl readers by demolishing Bellatrix as the "strong female" character? Fawn, Bella! Be swoony, breathless, and pathetic!
BELLATRIX: Curse you, omnipotent Muggle author! I mean... *blushes prettily and pants* My Lord!
VOLDEMORT: I think I rather prefer this version.
VOLDEMORT: *awakens Charity Burbage*
READERS: What kind of name is Charity Burbage?
ROWLING: Are you people EVER happy?
CHARITY BURBAGE: Severus! Severus, please! Show your true colors!
SNAPE: I think not. That'll teach you to make unwanted advances upon my consecrated person in all those reams of fanfic, you wench.
VOLDEMORT: I have grown weary of your cultural relativism, Burbage. Avada Kedavra!
READERS: *bored* Wow. He just killed the random unknown never-before-scene Muggle Studies professor. Lord Voldemort, we cower before your evil. *yawn*
VOLDEMORT: *insert your favorite evil laugh here* Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA!
VOLDEMORT: ... Petfood is so cheap when you're the Dark Lord.
If you laughed, let me know.