Disclaimer: I seriously believe that when Kubo-sensei was coming up with the idea for Kenpachi's character that he was reading Tarzan comic series. Course Ken-chan is better than the gorilla man any day so…anyway I own nothing.
Authors Note: Kenpachi is a wanted man, no not in a criminal-esque sort of way…no he's wanted by ravenous bachelorettes. But Kenpachi has no interest in overly powdered, plucked and proud women.
Warnings: AU (as always, set in modern times) KenIchi, past OthersIchi, one-sided OthersKen, IkkaYumi, spelling, grammar, punctuation, language, run-ons, scene flips, switching views (NON BETA-ED) etc…And for the sake of story purposes Yachiru is 14 or 15 years old.
Summary: Yachiru has it all figured out, Papa Ken-chan needs a wife. So with a little help from Ikkaku and Yumichika, Yachiru throws a singles ball.
(Story #3 in The Match Maker's Universe Series)
Dedicated to: The one and only BonneNuit. And why? This is her OTP that's why!
Papa Ken-chan
Part 1/4
This story does not begin like other stories-there is no tragic death or cliché break up scenario, no major self-discovery of ones sexual preference.
Nor is it about a bitter queen or king seeking revenge on their greatest enemy-nope this is about a girl somewhere between ages 14 and 15, named Yachiru.
Yachiru for lack of a better word is spoiled like a princess but while other spoiled princesses treat the rest of the population like trash underneath the heel of her pricey stilettos, this short and sweet pink-haired pixie does not have a superiority complex.
Yachiru is always looking for ways to bring happiness to others and no one is more important to her than the man who rescued her from the dangerous streets and raised her as though she were his own flesh and blood.
Yachiru calls this man Papa Ken-chan.
Yachiru has been with Papa Ken-chan for many years and yet she still hasn't any idea of where the man's wealth is coming from. He has no family to speak of, just two loyal guards (not that a man like Papa Ken-chan, who stands at a proud 6'7, needs guards in the first place) going by the names of Ikkaku and Yumichika. Or as Yachiru prefers to call them 'pachinko head' and yun-yun.
It is about 3:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday. Yachiru has just finished up her fencing lessons and invites Ikkaku and Yumichika to join her out on the sundeck for a little discussion.
Never one to 'beat around the bush so to speak' the young girl cuts right to the chase.
"Papa Ken-chan needs a wife."
The man with the effeminate looking face raises a perfectly arched brow. "A wife? Are you absolutely certain Yachiru?"
"Of course I am. I know Papa Ken-chan better than anyone."
While Ayasegawa Yumichika considers the pink haired girl's words for a few minutes Madarame Ikkaku speaks up. "What would you have us do Yachiru? Set the Captain up on a date?"
Yachiru shook her head. "No it has to be better than that. I'm thinking more along the lines of a party."
A look passes between Ikkaku and Yumichika.
They have been with Kenpachi for many years and not once has the man ever expressed a liking for over the top galas and fancy dinner parties.
The Captain was more of a Beer and Buffalo Wing kind of guy.
"The Captain doesn't do parties."
"Nonsense everyone loves parties."
Yachiru has already made up her mind. And nothing will change it.
Ikkaku and Yumichika know better than to argue with the young girl.
If Yachiru wants to throw the Captain a party then they will help her throw the Captain a party.
But no not a party-now that the idea is in Yumichika's mind, his wild imagination is taking over once again. "Not a party but a ball, a singles ball, yes I can see it now," voice turning dreamy "We'll have roses, lots and lots of roses and peacocks, yes no celebration is complete without peacocks!"
Ikkaku shook his perfectly polished head. "Think about what you're saying for a minute-peacocks? And roses? The Captain will never go for any of that!"
It was too late though because now Yumichika was in 'dream mode' He stood up and startled waltzing around on the deck while twirling his bright purple parasol in the air. "Yes we'll have peacocks right out on the deck and over by the fountain we'll have a live orchestra playing music from a midnights summers dream and when the sun sets we'll-
Well it wasn't a horrible idea but
"Papa Ken-chan needs something more his style. Like a medieval times sort of theme?"
"A perfect blend of romance and violence, yes I can see it now."
"Like a masquerade?"
"Exactly. Then that way none of us will know who Papa Ken-chan chooses until the night is over."
"Splendid idea Yachiru. I shall send out invitations to every p-
"Leave the invitations to me Yun-Yun. I want you and pachinko head to go shopping for costumes and find a decorator."
"Find a decorator? Surely you don't honestly believe that there is someone out there with a better sense for fashion and flair then yours truly, do you Yachiru?" The perfectly arched brow above Yumichika's eye twitched a bit.
"Well I'm not saying you can't help with the decorations Yun-Yun but I think this occasion calls for a professional touch don't you?"
If Yumichika gripped his parasol any tighter it would crack.
"Of-Of course Yachiru. Come Ikkaku let's away?"
()()()
Any now we shift our focus over to the potential wives…
The first potential wife is currently sitting inside a hair salon. Fall is just around the corner and she feels that she must absolutely have some bronze highlights added to her natural champagne blonde hair.
She is only half listening to her hair dresser ( a bubbly redhead who is babbling away at a mile a minute) for something else has caught her attention-an announcement on the television. There is to be a singles ball up in Rukongai. The owner's daughter of the estate is throwing a singles ball and the one to catch his attention and keep it will be come his wife.
The girl is short, petite and has pink hair and eyes that make Rangiku think of a spring time.
Matsumoto Rangiku is pushing 30 (although she'd certainly deny it if asked) perhaps it is time for her to consider settling down. Find a nice man who is willing to pamper and please her in every imaginable way.
If this girl is to become her daughter then…
"Change of plans Haineko, forget the blond I want red, lots and lots of red highlights, just highlights though don't make me look like an idiot now."
()()()
A few days later…
On to our next potential…
This potential is a lot younger than our first not too mention.
"Damn it Shinji I thought I told you to stop letting that damn dog of yours into my bathroom!"
Sarugaki Hiyori, 16, isn't the most er classy of young women. She puts her muddy shoes on the coffee table, talks with a mouthful of food and has a bit of a violent streak at times.
Such as sending her older half brother flying down a flight of stairs or out the window…oh at least twice out of every day.
But she has a good heart and more importantly…
"Dumb ass would you hurry the hell up already we're going to be late."
Rubbing his sore noggin with a semi-bruised hand, Hirako Shinji rises to his feet and snorts at how ridiculous the younger blonde looks with an overly padded sports bra, mismatching 7 inch heels (which she can barely stand up in) and bright powder blue and bubble gum pink eye shadow.
"Uh Hiyori I don't think their going to let you participate in t-
"Shut up! I will do whatever it takes to get away from both this dump and you!"
"But Hiyori you're only 16, you don't even kn-
"I'll improvise. Now shut up and take me to this address." The teen girl passed her brother a small piece of lime green parchment.
()()()
Our third potential is neither a teen nor pushing 30-rather she is somewhere in between.
But unlike Rangiku and Hiyori, Soifon has absolutely no interest in this stupid singles ball.
And she feels very uncomfortable in the silky off the shoulder evening gown.
She's only doing this at Yoruichi-sama's request.
Soifon holds Yoruichi-sama higher than any other being on the planet. She only wishes…well there's no use thinking about the impossible.
"I'm ready to go Yoruichi-sama."
"Are you really Soifon-chan? You haven't even showered yet."
It is not Yoruichi who speaks these words but rather…
Urahara Kisuke.
Yoruichi-sama's lover.
Soifon does not think much of the man.
Understatement of the century.
She hates the man.
And all men really.
Which is why this whole thing is so ridiculous.
A laugh, a wonderful laugh belonging to the bright and beautiful and talented Yoruichi-sama.
With her dark long grape scented hair, those exotic golden cat shaped orbs, the creamy mocha skin.
Soifon feels a slight blush creep up onto her face when those exotic eyes meet her stormy gray ones.
"You keep scowling like that and they'll probably mistake you for a man. Come now Soifon-chan give uncle Kisuke a big smile."
She wants to kick the man.
Kick him hard.
But refrains and narrows her eyes instead.
"Kisuke don't tease her. She's already nervous enough as it is."
()()()
Our forth potential wife has journeyed about 200 miles from home in order to participate in this singles ball.
Her eyes are like poison ivy, skin a golden bronze tone, hair the colors of lemon and honey. She is Tia Halibel.
She is not attending this ball so she can catch herself a husband.
She is going for one reason and one reason only.
The woman of her dreams will be there.
()()()
Coming in 5th we have Unohana Retsu. While she is certainly up there in years…she's not exactly an old maid just yet.
It has been so very long since she last went out to do anything well…nice for herself.
While she doesn't expect a ring on her finger at the end of the night she hopes that she can at least catch the eye of the Captain.
A wild and spur of the moment rendezvous is exactly what she needs to get back in the swing of things.
After all what kind of man wouldn't appreciate a seasoned beauty such as her self?
Retsu takes one last glance in the full-length mirror before heading out the door.
()()()
As we zoom in on our 6th potential wife we find her chewing bubblegum, applying mascara, talking on the phone and playing Nintendo DS while she let's her 4 year old French poodle take the steering wheel.
"Never fear Mashiro we will have our story."
"Yes. Trust Me. DIE DIE DIE!"
"No not you the-oh wait hold on that's probably Kukaku on the other end."
"Hello? No you damn you…No not you this stupid-ahhhh!"
"What? Oh of course I'd love to come. No I can't say that I grrrr-no its just the dog-yeah she just turned four l-oh wait can you hold for a sec?"
"Thanks hun."
"Sorry about that Mashiro what were you saying."
"This is still Kukaku."
"Oh it is uh yeah er my uh phone is uh-the other way the other way-no uh yeah hold on."
"Mashi?"
"Yep yep."
"Good it is you."
"No she just wanted to invite me to the yoga studio and lunch tomorrow and-what? He didn't?"
"Oh geez I'm so sorry Mashiro b-wait sorry hold on."
"Anyway she just turned four last-what do you mean what am I-Oh wait hold on just one more second-"
"Kukaku you there? No I was just t-come on come almost noooo! What oh no I'm just watching this stupid old bitty drop her apples on to the floor and-
"Arff Arff!'
"Quiet cherry I can't hear (Arrff!) I said be quie-sweet mother of-!"
/CRASH/
Thank god for air bags otherwise Yadomaru Risa, age 22, proud porn fanatic and news reporter, would have just won a one way ticket to the pearly gates of heaven.
()()()
Lucky lady number 7 is Kuchiki Rukia.
But Rukia doesn't feel so lucky because she has recently lost the love of her life and is not ready to date-let alone marry someone who isn't Kaien.
Byakuya nii-sama is a smart and reasonable man so she doesn't understand why he's forcing her into doing something like this.
"I refuse to let you continue on like this, sitting in the dark moping over the loss of that reckless idiot!"
She hates when Byakuya nii-sama talks like this.
So very cruel and heartless.
So very unlike the man who married her late sister, Hisana.
"I know you only want the best for me nii-sama but shouldn't I be allowed to decide when I'm ready to open my heart up to someone new again?"
"This discussion is closed Rukia. You will go to that ball even if I have to drag you there."
()()()
The atmosphere is a lot less depressing when we zero in on potential wife number 8.
Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck but to avoid tongue twisters we will simply stick to calling her Nel.
Nel is excited about the ball.
And more importantly her 4 adopted brothers are excited for her.
"You remember it just like we practiced and it will be smooth sailing from here on out, Nelliel."
"We've hit the jack pot this time, no doubt about that!"
"Don't forget to wear a jacket Nel, it's going to be a rather chilly evening."
"And don't forget to mention that you have a puppy, no man can resist a cute girl with an even cuter puppy."
Nel (while not a total air head) is not the brightest.
"But aren't you guys coming with me?"
The tallest of the brothers slung an arm around her "Of course we're comin' along. Can't have ya messin' things up you know."
The second tallest brother came up on the other side of the sea-green haired young woman "We're family. You Win We Win."
It is not yet time to reveal the identities of the 2 brothers who will be accompanying Nel to the ball but they will appear again.
()()()
Second to last we have Kurotsuchi Nemu.
As a proud student of scientific research and daughter to one of the top doctors in city, she'd be a fool to pass up an opportunity like the one quickly approaching.
A ball means a room or several rooms full of people. People are really good for one thing and one thing only-test subjects. Lab rats really.
Going to this ball will give Nemu the perfect chance to try out the latest formula that her father has developed.
She does not know what said formula does but Mayuri-sama is a brilliant man so she is not going to worry about it.
()()()
And finally we have-wait a minute our number 10 is no potential wife at all but rather a scowling orange haired young male.
Yes a scowling orange haired young male who has no idea where his friends are dragging him to what with being blind- folded and all.
Kurosaki Ichigo is his name and he is currently cursing himself for drinking one of Inoue's "uber bizarre teas yet again"
In all honesty the tea hadn't tasted all that horrible this time -no that wasn't the problem-the problem was she had slipped some sort of sleeping drug into his cup.
One minute he was in the kitchen chatting and eating lunch and then next he knew-LIGHTS OUT!
Two sets of hands, one belonging to a female (Inoue) and the other belonging to a male (Renji) were stripping him out of his comfy clothes and forcing him into stuffy and constricting ones.
"Told you he looked good in blue."
"You're right Renji-kun blue really compliments his skin tone really well."
"Hey! Stop talking about me like I'm not here and take this blind fold off."
"I'm sorry Kurosaki-kun but we promised your sisters that we wouldn't remove the blind fold until we got there."
"Got where? Come on you guys this is ridiculous-where the hell are you dragging me?"
"Never mind that Ichigo. Hold still this might sting a little."
"What the do you mean st-son of a-!"
"You said it wouldn't hurt him Renji-kun."
"Don't worry Hime-chan, Ichigo is a man. He'll be just fine. Lil' pain never hurt nobody."
"Really Abarai I wish you'd work on your vocabulary."
"Ishida? Is that Ishida I hear?"
"I'm here too Ichigo."
"Chado?"
"Yes we're all here Ichigo. After all its not every night you participate in a ball in order to find ."
Mr. Right? What the hell was Tatsuki talking about?
()()()
"Yun-yun, pachinko has everyone arrived?"
"Almost we're still waiting on the last two potentials."
"2 more? But there's already well over 100 potentials waiting in line."
"Well you said you wanted this to be special Yachiru."
"And it is but Papa Ken-chan is-
"Is something wrong with the Captain?"
"Oh no no nothing like that it's just-
"What?"
"He's still sleeping."
Yumichika let out a sigh of relief. "Don't scare me like that Yachiru, for a moment I thought-
"Look I don't know how much longer you expect me to stand out there. Are you going to start this ball or not?"
Yachiru, Yumichika and Ikkaku all turned towards the door way and found a short pig tailed blonde clown standing there with crossed arms and an ugly glower on her freckled face.
"The circus is 2 houses down."
TBC
Right so the first part was mainly introductory…sometimes in order to set the scene for a story that kind of thing is necessary.
Thank you for reading!