Disclaimer: Don't own Doctor Who. :(

This poem was inspired by Irony-chan's "A Mary Sue Alphabet" in the Harry Potter fandom, which I strongly recommend! (The poem, that is, not the fandom.)

This is my own take on the alphabet poem idea, basically poking fun at clichés, Mary Sues and overused ideas specific to the Doctor Who fandom. I'm not targeting anyone - everything referred to is totally generic stuff that I've seen around. And yes, I know I'm probably guilty of a few myself, and I fully admit to that, so please don't PM me and point out where my own fics fall into these traps! Also, please don't be offended by any coincidental resemblance to anything you've written. It's all in fun - just have a laugh.

A is for AU, a parallel world
Where Ten was saved thanks to a mystery girl
But her plot's naught but fluff
And we've all had enough
Before it's begun to unfurl

B is for brains, which even the Doctor
Seems to have lost - poor Rose, he forgot her
When up stepped a Time Lady
Who made me think 'maybe
There's a reason the editors chopped her'

C is for canon - all things Doctor Who
Are there on the net, and it's long overdue
That someone had a look
Before they went and took
A shot at Four, Three or Two

D is for Daleks, those fiendish machines
Who fly around and exterminate things
But what? They're not robots?
Uh-oh - must've forgot
All but one or two of their scenes.

E is for the End of Time
But no-one could bear to see Ten go and die
Then along came Eleven;
After episode seven
All those fics were abandoned - guess why!

F is for fighting, but did you forget
The Doctor's a Time Lord - he hasn't quite yet
Got the hang of karate
And where's his morality
When you've written him in an action-flick set?

G is for giveaways - spoilers for free
Keep it to yourself - I don't want to see
How Saxon was shot
Or who Amy forgot
In the first line of your summary

H is for Harry...and Harry, oh dear!
They both end in "S", the distinction's not clear
One was with Sarah Jane
And the other's insane
But they're both interchangeable here

I is for inserts, and doesn't it seem
To get rather repetitive when every scene
Leads us to believe
With little reprieve
That the author's just writing their dream

J is for Jack, who seems often to be
An excuse to put the rating to T
But you could have a K
If you'd just let him stay
How he is when on family TV

K is for Koschei, now known as the Master
If Sue's not his daughter, then don't put it past her
To have stolen his hearts
In the space of two parts
Of a fic - could it go any faster?

L is for loneliness. Drabbles and angst
Are full of it these days, but given a chance
To add their Mary Sue
Very soon, Doctor Who
Has turned into a fantasized romance

M is for morbid - 'cause everyone's dead!
Gallifrey's gone, and there's drums in my head!
Yeah, it's layered on thick
"Just end it all, quick!"
That's probably what the beta should have said

N, the notations, are getting bizarre
"hot!blond!emo!Master" is going too far
If they're too OOC
And way OTT
Then nobody will R&R

O, that original character who
Is shrouded in mystery, nobody knew
That she left Gallifrey
And one ordinary day
Encountered the Doc- Hey! Who said "Mary Sue"?

P is for poetry - songfics and prose
Do something original - anything goes!
'Cause if you just rewrite
And your plot is too light
That's what everyone already knows

Q is for quests! Adventure and mystery!
Sci-fi, suspense and aliens! Because, you see,
There's nothing wrong
With having some fun
And not trying to change Whoniverse history

R, the reunion of Rose and the Doctor
Done so many times - is there nothing can stop her
From breaking with canon
To get with her man on
The basis he unfairly dropped her?

S is for slash, and that's fine
(But you won't ever see it in mine)
Just before they get past
The first base too fast
Please give their relationship time!

T is for Tennant and Russell T Davies
With John Simm, who's given new meaning to crazy.
Reusing their lines
Twenty-five times
Is when writing becomes rather lazy

U is for Ushas, with Koschei and Thete
An Academy fic where the Time Tots all meet
Got the names from a Wiki
And no-one's too picky
As long as you're giving them fluffy and sweet

V is for villains, who've always been
Part of the series since '63
But to write them, you've got
To have thought of a plot
They're not just there for setting the scene

W - Wolf, and a Bad one at that
Was a past story arc that keeps coming back
A convenient way
At the end of the day
To give a reunion a hack

X-rated romance and smut can be read
Into every line that the characters said
But it shouldn't be seen
Rated under eighteen
In fact, some should just stay in your head

Y is for YOU, the writer, the author
Inside your own fic, you're the Doctor's new daughter
Who's still stuck in school
And you've made your own rules
About why you're half Time Lord, or quarter

Z is for Zaphod from Hitchhiker's Guide
And here's Vader, and Potter, and Bonnie and Clyde!
All the crossovers start
By repeating that part
From the ep where the Cybermen rise