Hey you guys, so I had a rather bad day. A mental breakdown as some people would say. But, I'm not crazy just a little bit sad. Why? I'm not sure. But, I express myself through writing and this is what came out of it. I hope you enjoy.

Crying is stupid. Crying is weakness. Crying is a point in my life that I never wish to share. So, why am I crying now? Why have I been reduced to tears because of this? This isn't important. It shouldn't be I suppose. I shouldn't be standing here like an idiot letting silent tears stream down my face.

My hood is up. I pulled it up when I felt the tears start to come. No one sees me cry. No one. My mother never saw. My father isn't around enough to even get close to seeing my tears. My friends haven't seen my cry. Even when I knew I was going to die, I didn't cry. Well, I didn't die obviously because I'm standing here crying like an idiot.

I shouldn't be crying! I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one that is like stone. That's what all my black clothing is after all. I'm supposed to be the rock. I rebel against the normality of a situation. But, crying isn't par of it. Crying is exactly what everyone would expect.

Crying is predictable. Silly people that cry for attention are people I laugh at. I laugh at the tough guys that aren't tough. But this, this is ridiculous. I'm a mess. It's all over. The war. The deaths. They're all over with. But, I can't take it.

I shouldn't have come back, not to camp. My crying is my fault. I should be out running with Artemis and the other huntresses. That's what the circlet on my head means. I am one with the huntresses. So why am I here by myself? Oh yea, I told them to go. I told them to leave me and that I would catch up.

I don't think I can. Now that I really think about it, I'm too weak. I may never go back to them. It would be too easy to admit to Artemis that I do have an irrevocable love for a boy that can't return the love. His mind was clouded by hatred and I still loved him. I wasn't sure for the longest time, but now he's gone and I know for sure.

No one else is crying here. Not the Hermes cabin, or the Ares, not any of them, they all just stand there. The one that sticks out is the couple next to the shroud covering the body. He stands there holding her close with a strong arm around her shoulders. Her hand touches his on her arm as Chiron ignites the cloth. The girl at the boy's side has a stern face. I can see that she's broken up, but some level of anger and hate patches up the seams of her composure. She's the rock in this situation. She's the one that can stand above the rest and still have enough courage to pretend she's okay with his death. She knew him well enough, I suppose.

Chiron speaks little about the boy beneath the cloth. No one will say anything when he's done. Most aren't sure if we should be happy that he's dead or sad at the loss of a great hero. I chose sad obviously as I stand here with tears streaming my face. Other's around me wear poker faces. No smile, no frown, just the straight face of true hate. He's the reason for his own death. There is no one to blame but him. But, I feel guilt.

I should have just made it over Half-Blood Hill. I would have survived with the help of other campers. But, I didn't know that. I decided to be a grownup and try and fight. I left him. I left both of them. We were all just kids, but those decisions created the future. It's my fault. My turning into a tree caused him to go the wrong way. I destroyed him.

I've considered all the possibilities. Maybe I could end my own pain. But, then someone else would be standing in my place, crying, pretending they could have done anything. That's the only possibility. I guess I could live my life. As a huntress I could stay true to my maidenhood. But, that would leave me to drown in guilt. Why would I deal with that?

Through the flames I can see the face of Hermes. He wore a sad disposition for a destroyed father. He's thought the same things I have: how to fix it, how he could've stopped it. He's considered it all, and comes to the same conclusion. He can do nothing. I can do nothing. We're stuck with mourning and living in our existence of a nagging in the back of our mind. That voice in our heads taunting us: "You could've done something. You could've stopped it."

I shake my head and watch as his body slowly incinerates. Ash replaces the body of a past love. As Chiron says a final few words I decide. I will not sit here and watch myself wither in pity for myself. I will live my life. I will move on. Before they start the next ceremony I turn away and head for the woods. I can hear the calls of Annabeth behind me trying to stop me, but I don't listen to them. I don't respond. I just keep walking.

As soon as I made it to the wood I went into autopilot. My feet took me deep into the forest. Around me I can hear the sounds of monsters. They're watching me pass and letting me. My legs start to slow and my knees tremble as I come to a stop. I'm not slowly running. I hit a tree root and fall to all fours. Tears fall from my eyes and to the grass below.

Losing someone is the hardest thing to endure, and if you love that person then it's even harder. I'm not sure how much I love him. It could have been the kind of love everyone searches for in life, or it could've been the brotherly love that every little girl hopes for. I'll never know. I'm not sure I want to now. It wouldn't matter either. It would only change what kind of tears fall. Mine are mindless and from years of expecting to come back to him and live happily. I know now that it will never happen.

Standup tall and walk; I demanded of myself. I drew to my legs shakily leaning against a tree. I started forward with my first step and began to walk. As I wiped my tears I kept walking. I wouldn't run from my problems. I would simply let them trail behind me like the veil of a wedding dress. My problems would never catch me; they would simply be behind me. Until this day I walk. Walk away.

So this is what happens when I'm sad. *shrugs* I don't know if it's any good. But, there you have it. A one shot on the incineration of Luke Castellan. Yep...well...bye.

Sincerely,

wisegirlindisguise