Chapter 43

"Well, it appears that Abigail has beat us here after all," Ducky said with a glance at Tim who was sitting stiffly in the seat beside him. This marked his first return to the Yard in more than six months. No wonder he was a little anxious.

"Yeah."

"Do you want to come in and speak with her?"

Tim shook his head. "Will you ask her if she'll come out to the park? I'll wait for her."

"I will do that. You could come into the building, Timothy."

"No, I couldn't." Tim opened the door and got out of the car.

Ducky watched him walk away and then headed into NCIS. He wouldn't admit it to Tim, but he was a little worried about this conversation Tim felt he needed to have with Abby. He still had moments where he was obviously afraid of any member of the fairer sex. However, he could also acknowledge that it was probably necessary for Tim to take further steps. Abby needed to see him, too. By the time the doors opened, admitting him to Abby's lab, Ducky had convinced himself.

Abby had obviously arrived only recently herself, with all the machinery in the lab still warming up. Good. That meant it wouldn't be much of an interruption to ask her to go outside.

"Good morning, Abigail."

Abby turned around and smiled. "Good morning, Ducky. What brings you here?" Then, her eyes widened. "Is something wrong?"

Ducky smiled. "No, not at all. I come with a message."

"From Tim?"

"Yes."

"What?" Abby asked, eager and yet nervous at the same time.

"He's outside and wishes to speak with you...if you're willing."

Abby cocked her head to the side. "He's...outside?"

"Yes, in the park."

"Right now?"

"Yes. He wanted to talk to you, but he recognizes that you might be too..." Abby turned around and rushed out of the lab. "...angry to speak with him," Ducky finished to himself and smiled before heading down to Autopsy. Whatever came of this, it was not for him to interfere.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim sat under a tree in Willard Park, waiting to see if Abby was going to come out. He figured that Ducky would come out if Abby said no. He just had to be patient and wait.

Then, the front doors opened and he saw Abby. She was walking but with the kind of repressed energy that said she was ready to explode into motion at the first provocation.

When she reached him, she didn't say anything as he stood. They looked at each other in silence and then sat down, side by side, not looking at each other.

"Hi, Tim," Abby said.

"Hi, Abby."

"You're looking better."

"Thanks."

"Ducky said you wanted to talk to me."

"Yeah."

"What did you want to say?"

"Sorry, first of all."

"For what?"

"For avoiding you."

"Why did you?"

"Because I was afraid."

"Why? What did I do?"

"Nothing."

"Then, why?"

Tim looked at his hands and then at NCIS, looming across the street...the symbol of another life.

"Because...of everyone at NCIS, you're the only one who expressed any dislike of Thomas, my persona."

"Why was that a problem?"

"Because when I came back, I had decided that I wanted to be Thomas because he was the one who was able to keep everyone who dismissed him at bay. Tim was hurt by others' actions. Thomas was angry. I knew that if you spent any time with me, you'd realize what I was doing...and you...you wouldn't like it."

"I wouldn't have...but I wouldn't have hated you for it."

"I know."

"Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"Matt said...he talked with me about what you were like in college."

"Were you surprised?" Tim asked, smiling a little.

"Yeah. I was. ...but it sounded like...like..."

"Like Thomas."

"Yeah. Is that–?"

"That's who he was. He was me if I hadn't changed. You wouldn't have liked me in college. ...but that wasn't the only reason I was staying away from you."

"Why then?"

"I was afraid. Afraid of what you might do...afraid of what I might do."

"Is that because of Julia Westin?"

"Yeah."

"Did you love her, Tim?"

"Not exactly."

"What does that mean?"

Tim took a deep breath and sat up straight. "Please, Abby, I'm not ready to tell you everything that I did to her and with her. I don't think you're ready to hear it, either."

"That bad?"

"From my point of view, yes."

"Okay."

"It's taken a long time for me to be able to separate what happened on the op from my real life. I'm sorry that you had to suffer for it."

Abby still didn't look at him, but she held out her hand. Tim took it and held it tightly.

"Are you okay now, Tim?"

"I'm getting there."

"Are you coming back?"

"No."

"Not ever?"

"Not that I can imagine."

"Why not?"

"Because I still hate them, Abby...for everything they did. I still hate them."

"I'm sorry, Tim."

"It's not your fault."

"I'm still sorry. You love NCIS."

"I did. I don't anymore."

"What are you going to do instead?"

That was the question, of course. Tim had been working on answering it to his own satisfaction for a few days.

"Well, Matt is having me sub for one of his IT guys. So I'll have some income for a few weeks."

"Then?"

"Then, I'll have to find something else. I honestly don't know what else I'm going to do. I'm going to move...tomorrow, actually."

"What?" Abby's grip on Tim's hand tightened. He covered it with his free hand.

"Not away from here, just to a different apartment."

"Why?"

"It's something I'd been thinking about before, but now...I just need to move."

Silence. Tim couldn't bring himself to look and see what Abby might feeling.

"Do you need any help?"

"No. Unless you want to help. Ducky is helping. Jimmy offered, too. Matt and Judith will be trading off taking care of their baby."

"I'd like to."

"Okay. Tomorrow morning. Nine o'clock."

"Okay."

Silence.

"Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I hug you now?"

Tim smiled. "Yes."

Abby slid closer and put her arms around him. Tim wound his own arms around her, remembering for a moment how Jewel had felt in his arms...and this was infinitely better. Abby was comforting, not challenging. Tim closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the closeness just for a while.

"Abby?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you didn't like Thomas."

Abby's arms tightened around him. "I'm glad you're not him."

"Me, too."

Another long silence.

"Abby?"

"What?"

"Would you tell them something for me?"

"Tim, don't make me do it. I'm sure it's not a happy message."

"No, but I'm not going to yell at them."

Abby pulled away and finally made eye contact.

"Please, Tim. I don't want to tell them. Will you do it yourself? Please? I'll come with you and be with you, but I don't want to be the messenger."

Tim looked at NCIS. He had told Ducky he couldn't go in there.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"So, how long will you be honeymooning?" Tony asked with a leer.

Jamie rolled her eyes. "Two weeks. You'll have to make do. The wedding has been driving us all crazy and we'll be glad to have it done."

"It will be beautiful, though, will it not?" Ziva asked.

Jamie stood up with a file in her hand. "With my mom in charge, absolutely. All right, I've got my change of address forms and my name change forms. If HR makes me file another form, I'm going to scream." She headed up the stairs.

Ziva laughed and then looked over briefly as the elevator dinged. That brief look became a long look.

"McGee," she said in shock.

Tony's head jerked up at the name. Sure enough. With Abby slightly behind him, Tim walked into the bullpen. Tony was shocked to see him, shocked at how he looked. Tim had looked pretty rough while undercover, but that was because he had to. What he could see in Tim now were the remnants of a physical breakdown. The strain still showed in his eyes, in the lines on his face. He was too skinny still, even more than he had been as Thomas. The biggest change, however, was the absolute coldness in his expression as he met Tony's gaze. There was no warmth at all, perhaps a bit of sadness, but it was all cold.

Tony glanced at Ziva. She was half out of her seat.

"Hi," Tim said, looking at them all, including Gibbs who had not stood up but was giving Tim his attention, expression as inscrutable as ever.

"McGee...welcome back," Tony said awkwardly.

"I'm not back. I know you're busy. I just have a couple of things I need to say and then I'll let you get back to work."

"What is it, McGee?" Ziva asked.

"First, I'm sorry about what I did to your computers. It was childish and I shouldn't have done it."

There was a long pause.

"Is that all?" Tony asked.

"No."

Tony felt as though there was too much silence...and so he did what he always did: started talking.

"I figured you wouldn't want to be on the team again, McGee, but there's no reason why you can't come back to NCIS. I mean, you could–"

"I'm not here to come back," Tim said coldly. "I have no interest in coming back, and I wish you would stop trying to make yourself feel better."

Tony swallowed and subsided.

"Is there something else, then?" Ziva asked tentatively. If the situation had been any less dour, Tony would have laughed at the tone of Ziva's question.

"I don't know if you guys would even care to know or try, but I'm moving tomorrow. Please don't try to find out where I'm living. Please don't try to seek me out. I don't want to see you. I can't forgive you. I can't forget. So...if you care at all, just leave me alone."

Suddenly, it struck Tony just how mad Tim had been, how hurt he had been. In order for him to still be this angry so long after the op had ended... This wasn't the hot, irrational anger of the time immediately after the end. It was a coldly sane anger that wouldn't fade until he felt it was time to let it go. ...and clearly, he didn't. For the first time, Tony saw how bad it must have been for Tim to do the op without the help he had expected. He'd always known that Tim didn't work the same way he did, but he had ignored that. Finally, he began to understand.

Tim looked at Gibbs. "Thank you for helping with the COBRA forms," he said.

There was no warmth, just acknowledgment of what had been done.

"You're welcome, McGee," Gibbs said.

"Okay. That's all I have to say." Tim looked at Abby and smiled. It was a genuine smile, Tony noticed. He saw Ziva's face and saw the hurt in her eyes. She noticed the emotion as well. Tim was genuinely happy to see Abby. He was not at all happy to see the rest of them.

Tim headed for the elevator. Before he knew what he was doing, Tony got up and followed him. Tim turned around just before he pushed the button.

"What?"

"McGee...I'm sorry," Tony said.

Tim looked him in the eye, unnervingly. It was as though Tim was analyzing everything about him from the words to the tenor of his voice...to his stance. Tony waited. Finally, Tim let out a small laugh. He even smiled, but there was no happiness conveyed.

"It's too late for that," he said. "It's much too late to be sorry."

Then, he pushed the button for the elevator and stepped on. As the doors closed, he left his last words.

"I don't forgive you."

Then, Tim was gone. Tony stared at the elevator doors for a long moment. Tim hadn't left him speechless very often. ...but he had the first time he'd met him, Tony remembered now. Almost in the same place.

"I've uh… got a lunch date with Abby," Tim said.

Tony laughed. "I've got to see this. I'll take you to her!"

"Thanks."

"Thanks, what?"

"Tony?"

They walked to the elevator. "Sir. I already warned you, Abby's not your type."

Tim was not to be put off. He was so earnest. "Well, I'd like to find out for myself."

Tony put an arm on his shoulders and said patronizingly. "Yeah, listen kid uh… I don't want to hurt your feelings but you're not exactly Abby's type."

To his surprise, Tim just smiled and faced him.

"I've taken care of that. Remember that urge we were talking about?" He grinned and looked back over his shoulder. "I went with Mom."

Then, he got on the elevator and the doors closed, leaving Tony shocked and stunned that the greenie could have done something so unexpected.

It turned out that Tim still had the ability to leave Tony speechless. After a few more seconds, he turned around and headed back to his desk. Ziva was standing still, looking after Tim. Gibbs was staring at his monitor. Abby managed a weak smile before she fled the scene.

Tony sat down and thought about why this was all such a shock. Why was he surprised that Tim was gone? Tim had been gone for months. He had been replaced.

...because no one leaves the team unless they're dead. They never leave permanently.

Even Gibbs hadn't been able to stay away. Ziva had left twice but come back. ...but Tim was gone, and he understood now that Tim had no intention of ever returning. They had all screwed up so badly that he saw no value in even trying.

Tim was gone and he wasn't coming back. ...and Tony regretted it.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim walked out of NCIS and took a deep cleansing breath. It had been hard to face them, hard to see them all again. Hard to be back in that building, back in that place where he had once belonged.

Still, he was glad it was done. Abby had been right. It was his job to let them know what was going on. Now, he was free.

Free. That was a strange new word in his vocabulary. He was free to figure out his life, figure out what he really wanted out of his life. He was free to determine who and what he wanted to be. The dead wood had been cut away and the good had been kept, but he was free now to decide what was going to happen next.

As he walked off the Yard to hail a taxi, Tim smiled to himself. The world was full of possibilities. Maybe he could finally shuck away the shackles of the past.

FINIS!

A/N: Thanks for hanging on to the bitter end! There will be a sequel to this, entitled Not Destroyed. It's already in the works and I hope to get it done sooner rather than later. I have never posted a story to that isn't completed already, but if you would like me to start posting and then post chapters as I complete them, please either say so in a review or in a PM to me. Because I know that I haven't really left things completely resolved, I'm willing to bend my generally-ironclad rule of not posting until it's finished. I can't make any guarantees about when the story will be done.