Pastiche
by BridgitKiido

Disclaimer: I am but a simple American college student of European Mutt descent. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh GX, but am simply borrowing the characters. The same applies to Sayonara Zetsubou-sensei, which provided massive inspiration for this fic. Anyone who knows of the latter probably gets where I'm going with this already; anyone who doesn't will hopefully get where I'm going with this within the first few paragraphs anyway; anyone who doesn't get where I'm going with this until the end, I pity you. I really and truly do.

Timeline Notes: Um… I'll go with a warning for various random minor spoilers for the full series. Nothing huge, unless you haven't seen the end of season 3 yet or don't know where Judai winds up after episode 180, but… yeah.

Warning: While I'm aiming for this to be humorous to those who understand my point (and probably failing but), some might consider parts of the following to be offensive, especially if they don't get it. To those who do find it such, I apologize, but I won't change it based solely on that.

Part I
Defying Logic

It was a beautiful spring day on Duel Academy Island. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, the temperature was just warm enough to be comfortable but cool enough to not be burning, and there was a gentle breeze that swept throughout the island and made the petals from the island's cherry trees float about scenically. (Are there cherry trees on Duel Academy Island? If there aren't, then apparently there are now.)

Daitokuji was seated comfortably beneath one of these cherry trees, one that was particularly close to Osiris Red. To his left, Pharaoh was curled up, comfortably asleep and allowing Daitokuji to pet him, while in his right arm he held and was reading a book entitled The Alchemy of Dreams. A rather odd title for a book, but he wasn't going to complain. To be honest, however, he wasn't paying all that much attention to his book at the moment, because what was going on a ways in front of him was rather distracting.

"Come on, Tenjoin-kun!" Manjoume said. "I know that, despite how in canon you've always tried to be recognized as a strong duelist and not for the fact that you're female, you want to do all of the other guys on the island! I know the perfect place where we can go get it on."

Asuka, despite all canon evidence for her preferences dressed in an extremely low-cut shirt with her breasts almost hanging out the front and a tiny miniskirt that showed far more than was decent, turned away from him and huffed. "I've already told you, Manjoume-kun, no. After all, despite our friendship in canon and for no adequately explained reason, I absolutely hate you and can't stand even being in your presence."

Instead of being hurt or confused by this, as one might expect from Manjoume, he glared at Asuka angrily. "Fine then. I'll just have to bring it on you when you're not expecting it and can't fight back. Because despite how in canon I practically worship the ground you walk on and would never dream of hurting you in any way, I would be willing to go that far and don't respect you in the least." He then walked away, pulling out a bottle of cheap beer as he did so and downing it, despite the fact that he was seventeen and therefore under the legal age to purchase or consume it, especially on school grounds. And that's assuming that he would even be interested in getting drunk for the sake of it, even though he never seemed that way in canon. Too busy with his dueling and working toward his future and all that.

Asuka was not alone for long, however, as Judai came running up. "Asuka, my love!" he called out, waving, and she waved back, smiling happily. Because for no adequately explained reason and without any build up toward it or anything, they were in a mutual romantic relationship. When he reached where she was, he swept her off her feet into an embrace, romantically carrying a rose in his mouth, and they both giggled happily.

"Judai-sama!" Rei came running up to Judai and started hugging his legs. "Can we go to bed together now please? Because I definitely want to get in your pants right now, and that's the only reason why I have a crush on you, despite how I grew to like you in canon due to our duel on the beach, really."

"Get away from him, Rei," Asuka growled. "Judai is mine."

"No, you get away from my Judai-sama, you bitch!" Rei retorted, and the two of them started slapping each other in a catfight. Because for despite what canon has shown of their personalities, all of which would contradict this logically occurring ever, they were both petty enough to get into this kind of fight over a boy.

"Ladies, please. There's plenty of me to go around," Judai said romantically, trying to make peace between the two girls who were for some reason fighting over him. And because for no adequately explained reason Judai had the romantic skill of Casanova, the two girls ceased their fighting, hugged each other in peace, and then both embraced Judai on opposite arms, sighing with content.

This happiness did not last long, however, as dark clouds suddenly covered the sky, and Haou and Jehu appeared to try to ruin the lovers' fun. Because despite what canon explicitly explained and without any good reason for it, somehow Haou was in fact a separate person from Judai, and Jehu was a separate person from either Johan or Yubel, despite how the latter was really just Johan who was possessed by Yubel, but I guess he's treated as a separate character or something, I don't know.

"Hey baby," Jehu said with a grin and voice that was supposed to look sexy. "I bet you wanna go on a date with me, hmm? What do you say?"

Judai stepped between the newcomers and the girls, who were suddenly cowering like damsels in distress despite both of their canon characterizations as rather strong characters – this was especially true of Asuka. "Leave them alone!" Judai shouted, though his voice wavered slightly.

"We want to do Asuka," Haou said coldly. "Because despite how I am portrayed in canon, I am completely evil and emo and am only interested in doing teenage girls. Because I definitely have time for that while conquering the Dark World, and definitely would be interested in that."

"I-I won't let you!" Judai said, though he was shaking because despite how in canon he was portrayed fairly differently from this, he was a cowering wimp, but willing to take action when it was needed. "Yubel! Despite the entire point of our relationship in canon, I don't care about you in the slightest and only see you as an attack dog, so come out and teach these two why they can't mess with Asuka!"

"There will be no attacking anyone on school grounds, no ne!" came a shout from nearby before Yubel could be summoned, however, and Chronos walked into the scene. He then pointed at Judai and said, "Drop-Out Boy! Despite this being at least the middle of your third year, since Yubel's existence is common knowledge, and despite all of my character growth in canon up until this point, I absolutely despise you and would like nothing more than to see you expelled, na no ne!"

"Yeah, well you're ugly, Chronos-sensei!" came a female voice from off to the side somewhere. "Or should I say, Cross Dresser-sensei! And because you're ugly, no one likes you!"

"Despite how he's actually rather loved by the students at this point in canon, and despite how that kind of insult to him is bashing and really not something Chronos-sensei deserves," Judai added with a smile as the mystery girl appeared – a girl with bright lime green hair that had sky blue streaks in it, arranged in two long pigtails on the sides of her head that reached down toward her knees, as well as a bit of a twirl in the back. She was wearing something that at first glance looked like it could have been a modified version of the girls' uniform, if there was a red girls' dorm for some reason (which would have to be a well-explained and good one, but there hasn't been so much as an acknowledgment of there being girls' Red dorms yet and this being different from your average universe, not that there ever are). On second glance, however, the skirt was modified to be much frillier; she was wearing gloves and tall boots, and was that a gem-studded headband made to look like it could be a tiara?

"I, Princess Sparklepants, won't allow someone as ugly as you to continue teaching at this school!" She activated her duel disk, which was gem-studded and sparkled in the sunlight.

"I accept your challenge, na no ne," Chronos said, activating his own duel disk as well.

And despite the fact that Chronos is the vice principal of the school and head of Obelisk Blue for a reason, Princess Sparklepants pulled off a handy first turn kill, sending Chronos flying into the sky, where he disappeared in a twinkling star.

"Hooray for Princess Sparklepants!" all of the students cheered, even Haou, who for some reason had become distracted from his initial goals simply because their magical girl classmate had shown up. And Manjoume, who was apparently still nearby despite having supposedly left the scene about two pages ago or so.

"Waah, Big Brother, you're so mean to me!" cried Sho as he ran past out of nowhere, crying, bruised, and dirty. The apparent cause of those adjectives was walking slowly after him – Hell Kaiser, who had a wicked stalker-like grin on his face.

"Oh no!" said Fubuki, who had popped up out of nowhere. "It's Hell Kaiser, who, even though he's not portrayed in this manner in the least in canon, loves to torture innocent children, especially his younger brother, who, despite everything canon says that should contradict this, is a fragile snowflake who can't do anything by himself! Not to mention that Hell Kaiser is, despite everything I discovered during my duel with him during the Genex Tournament, a completely evil spirit that is possessing Ryou. He definitely didn't choose by himself to just follow the path of power and see where it would take him, nope. That would make too much sense, and we can't have that."

"Why don't you do something, Shishou?" Manjoume asked.

Fubuki shrugged. "Despite how in canon I'm willing to go so far as to sell my soul to Darkness in order to be certain that my friends are safe, I don't really care about my friends at all and only exist to brainlessly praise the definitely made in heaven and doesn't need any development at all romance between Judai and my beloved sister Asuka. Aren't they perfect together, everybody?" Rei had conveniently more or less disappeared by this point.

Princess Sparklepants, however, twirled around, her oddly green and blue hair twirling with her, and produced a wand with a big, neon-pink heart from out of nowhere in a shower of sparkles. A shower of cherry petals came from the wand and surrounded Hell Kaiser, who screamed. The magical girl, however, continued her petal assault, crying, "Evil demon, be gone! Sparkling Blossom Eternal Therapy Blast!"

And in a shower of sparkles and cherry petals and flashing rainbow lights, Ryou sank to his knees, half conscious, his coat no longer that of Hell Kaiser but his old school uniform.

"Whoa, she purified Hell Kaiser!" Judai said in awe. "Despite how canon definitely explained that he wasn't actually possessed or evil or anything like that."

"Sho…" Ryou whispered, his eyes and voice haunted with guilt. Tears streamed down his face. "I'm so sorry…"

Sho peeked out from where he had been hiding, and then approached his brother and hugged him, also crying. "Even though none of this makes any sense at all, I forgive you, Big Brother."

(Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, a frenzied Saiou was chasing a crying Edo in an attempt to corner and do unspeakable things to him. Because despite how they were actually portrayed in canon, Saiou, even while not being possessed by the Light of Ruin, was willing to hurt his best/only friend in the whole world for absolutely no reason, and Edo was a fragile little flower who could never stand up for himself. But then, why should they even have been on the island at this point? After all, Edo should have been busy in the Pros, and Saiou certainly had better things to be doing. The answer, of course, is that there was no reason. They were there because they were there. And they don't affect the main story much, so.)

By this point, all of the students were singing Princess Sparklepants' praises, even though none of them had even met her until that day (despite how they somehow all inexplicably knew who she was) and that nothing that she had done had made any sense at all. She, however, approached the tree where Daitokuji was seated, watching the scene play out in front of him with a fair share of confusion – this was not how his students usually acted, to the best of his knowledge. Pharaoh, upon sensing the girl's approach, stood up and attempted to hide behind Daitokuji, which struck the bespectacled teacher as odd, but he didn't have the opportunity to ask his cat what was wrong before he was addressed.

"Aww, he's such a cute cat! May I pet him, please?"

Daitokuji smiled. "Well, if he doesn't mind, of course you can – " He was interrupted by a hiss from where Pharaoh had hidden himself, made by a cat who was apparently very against this idea. Glancing, a bit concerned, at his cat, Daitokuji continued, "Well, I guess he does mind, then, nya. I'm sorry – he's not usually this unfriendly, Miss… Who are you anyway? I've never seen anyone like you at Duel Academy before, nya."

"Everyone calls me Princess Sparklepants," the girl replied. "I'm a transfer student who just got here a few days ago despite it being the middle of the year and all. I have a super tragic back-story that probably involves evil perverted men, is likely internally inconsistent, and which I'll probably tell over hot chocolate some time. I've never had any friends before, but everyone at Duel Academy has been so nice to me in the short time I've been here, except for Chronos-sensei, but then nobody likes him, so. I can't understand why your cat is so reluctant to see me, though – animals always love me, especially the cute ones!"

"Princess Sparklepants is amazing!" Judai said cheerfully as the rest of the people who were around approached the tree where Daitokuji was. "Even though the only way that this works would be if she was born when he was at most, like, twelve years old, she's the biological daughter of Kaiba Seto and Kawai Shizuka… or was it that lady named Kisara… But either way, she has five Blue Eyes White Dragons in her deck, and six copies of each of the Egyptian God cards, including a copy of Creator of Light Horakhty, despite how this goes against the rules of the game and how only four Blue Eyes exist, one of them is torn up, Kaiba wouldn't be willing to give up any of them to anyone ever for any price and they likely wouldn't work for anyone else even if he did, the Egyptian God cards are unique and sealed away in an ancient tomb, and Horakhty isn't even a real card! And that wand of hers is the Millennium Heart, even though only seven Millennium Items exist, they were created through the slaughter of an entire village, and they're also sealed in a tomb in Egypt! Isn't she awesome?"

"She says she thinks she might be the reincarnation of the Egyptian goddess Bast, too," Manjoume added. "It doesn't make any sense if you actually think about it, but it's awesome, so who cares if it makes sense?"

"I'm sure," Daitokuji responded, though he didn't sound entirely convinced. In truth, he couldn't put his finger on what it was, but something about the entire scenario deeply disturbed him. He started to push himself up in order to turn toward Pharaoh and see what was wrong, but his hand brushed against a piece of paper conveniently placed on the ground. Curious as to what it was doing there – he would have seen a piece of paper lying around when he sat down, wouldn't he? – he picked it up and took a look at what it said.

This is a dream. Protect Pharaoh at all costs. Princess Sparklepants only wants to hurt him.

Seriously, can someone please explain to me just who or what this 'Jehu' character that keeps showing up everywhere is supposed to be, and how he is a separate character from Yubel or Johan? I don't get it.