iLoathe You

A/N: I was having some trouble finishing a very fluff filled one shot set during iSYL (believe it or not); but while the muses escaped me, I had a vision of the dialogue I used for this story and decided this one was easier to finish and went for it – It turns out it wasn't as easy as I had thought and this one is my least favorite one shot so far. However, if you're into Spencer, you might enjoy getting a chapter focused on him for a change, right?

iBoys (and the girls who broke their hearts)

Summary: Spencer knew he was not known for his cleverness or for how wise he was so, as he watched Freddie - the closest thing he had to a baby brother - he'd be proud of how intelligent the boy was. However, it was funny how just the simple fact of being older, made him know just when Freddie was being plain stupid and made him sure that it was his task to give the boy a piece of his mind. Set right after iWas a Pageant Girl.

The clock on his Pearphone had showed 2:30 am; he remembered that but only vaguely. He had stared at Spencer with narrowed eyes before trying hesitantly:

"Am I…a fruit cube?" Everything went really quiet for a while and then, Spencer's eyes widened in realization:

"Yes, Freddie. Yes, you are a fruit cube." He said with a smile. Freddie immediately stood up from his chair and went for an Olympic run around the kitchen, his arms in the air; shouting words of bliss. He'd celebrate a lot more if Spencer hadn't said. "What about me, Freddie, am I a squash?"

Freddie stopped running immediately and fell down on his chair miserably, his head on his hands:

"No, Spencer, you're not a squash." They had agreed not to stop until both of them had their answers right so Freddie took a deep breath and tried to keep himself awake which was a hard task since he had unavoidably grown used to the bed time he'd been forced to follow most of his life and it was already hours past it.

The clock now marked minutes past 4 am and all Spencer new for sure was that he couldn't fly, couldn't swim and that he wasn't neither a hobo covered in cheese, nor a spider monkey and - no matter for how long he had insisted on that one - he was also not a magical pair of rollerblades. As they both grew tired the time between each question seemed to last days and, although Freddie had indeed tried his best to stay awake, before he couldn't even notice, his head was already resting on the wooden table, his eyelids closing heavily.

Spencer didn't last much after him, collapsing right after his "Am I a Fairy Light?" question went unanswered. Sleeping, however, might have done his brain some good because, as the first pink ray light from the faint rising sun hit him on the face, his eyes opened wide at once and he shouted with all his lungs:

"I AM TOOTHPASTE!" He was glowing with pride as he yelled, waking Freddie just in time to save him from being eaten alive by Sam (lately he had been having this weird recurring dream in which Sam tried to eat pieces of him from a bucket of fried chicken):

"What?" He asked Spencer, still overwhelmed by the whole thing, unable to understand the facts happening around him:

"I AM TOOTHPASTE!" He shouted again, this time in Freddie's ear and shaking him by the shoulders violently - as if he thought yelling wasn't effective enough to get his attention. "I finally know what I am!" he explained, his voice filled with satisfaction and gloating. "I'm toothpaste!" His gaze looked lost for a second and then he looked back at Freddie and spoke again, a little less confident this time. "Well, either that or Canadian bacon but I'm pretty sure is one of these two!"

Freddie beamed:

"You're toothpaste."

"YES!" Spencer celebrated by standing up and raising his arms- much like Freddie. "Take that, you stupid game! Spencer Shay has finally outsmarted you!" Spencer was so happy, Freddie decided not to point out that outsmarting a bunch of flashcards wasn't exactly that big of a deal, Carly's brother finally calmed down and sat back on his chair saying:

"Good, I can finally sleep peacefully now. I'll just close my eyes and…" He was starting to rest his head down on the table again when his eyes popped open and he said to no one in particular as if he had just realized it for the first time: "I'm starving."

As if warned by Spencer's comment, Freddie's stomach turned inside him and made noises you'd only expect from the echo inside giant caves:

"Me too." He concluded. "We ended up skipping dinner last night."

"Oh, you're right!" Spencer smacked his forehead. "I'll check the fridge for something."

"Good luck with that, didn't Sam spend the night here as well?" Freddie said rolling his eyes and grabbing his phone to check for messages. His mom was probably flipping right now. "Wow, that's weird."

"What?" Spencer asked, his voice muffled due to his head being inside the fridge.

"My mom, she didn't send me any messages. I just have this one new message from Sam that says "A good Benson is a dead Benson.""

"Ouch. Did you do something to annoy her?"

"Not really, is not like she doesn't do that normally. Still, my mom hasn't even called once…" Spencer sat down next to Freddie with a giant bowl of cold chili:

"Well, I have a secret hideout for when Sam comes over so I was able to save this here…" He stared at Freddie's concerned expression. "Are you sure your mom didn't call? I think I saw Sam grabbing your phone yesterday night right after I yelled we wouldn't leave 'till I had gotten everything right."

"She did?" Freddie asked, visibly alarmed. "That's not good, Spence, God knows what she told my mom. I'll check the "sent messages" folder!" To his surprise, all Freddie found on the folder was a message from himself to his mom from around midnight that said:

"Hey, mom, Spencer and I didn't get along with our dates because we are both such losers, that all girls became allergic to us. So, the two of us will spend the night here at the Shay's apartment playing a children's game to distract our minds from the fact that we will never have girlfriends, ok? Don't worry, I'll apply my ointment and brush my teeth 18 times like you like me to. Oh and Sam won the beauty pageant she went today, how cool is that?"

His jaw dropped and he immediately looked into his income folder to check for his mother's answer; there was no way she could have possibly believed that message came from him:

"Oh, dear, I hope you and Spencer have a nice night playing games (I hope they don't involve anything that might refer to violent competition like those awful dominos I hate so much), and tell Spencer that he shouldn't worry about finding a girlfriend; I'm sure he'd be a fine young man if he only cut that girlish hair of his and applied all that free time he uses for art into a real job. As for you, you already have your mommy's love; you don't need any other woman. We can be together the two of us forever! Don't forget to brush your teeth all the 18 times and, please, please, if the the ointment feels a little itchy, don't scratch it! "A boy with scars is a boy behind the bars!" And Sam won a pageant? I'm utterly surprised by this; I pity the judges she spanked to get that trophy!"

Now he sort of understood why Sam had sent that message to him after all. He took the chili Spencer was offering him and sighed tiredly.

"What did the messages say?" He asked as he saw Freddie's expression.

"You don't want to know." He said but read them out loud anyway.

"I'm not going to cut my girlish hair!" Spencer said, offended. "I mean, I'm not going to cut my hair, my masculine hair that is!" Freddie chuckled as Spencer pouted his lips as a little kid. "Besides, I'm perfectly happy with my love life, didn't we just have a date last night?"

"Uh, Spencer…I'm not sure our date went that well last night."

"What do you mean? We had tons of fun playing the game; we didn't even go out climbing and…" His phone vibrated on the kitchen's island and he stretched his arm to grab it. "You see? I'm sure it's the girls asking for a second date and…" His expression changed as he laid eyes on the screen of his phone.

"What does it say?"

"Oh…nothing…" He answered sheepishly, avoiding to look Freddie in the eye. Freddie raised an eyebrow at him:

"Spence?"

"It says "I hope you die." ok?" He burst. "I can't believe this! Whenever I find a perfectly good female, I ruin everything! Your mother and Sam are right: I'll die alone!" Spencer's whining was getting to Freddie more than what he had thought it would, so, he said bitterly:

"You think you should be sad you'll die alone?" He asked. "I will die with my mom!" Spencer patted Freddie's back:

"I pity you, kid."

"You ought to." He answered, chewing sadly on his chili. "I have no luck whatsoever with this love deal. I mean, I was talking about this just the other day with Sa…" He stopped mid-sentence.

"With Sa…?"

"Hm, Salim. He's a friend of mine."

"You've got a friend named Salim?"

"He's from Texas."

"Uh…right."

"Anyway, I was talking about this with Sa…lim, and he told me I was overreacting but, I don't know, Spencer, don't you ever feel like time is passing by and everyone around you is finding happiness while you're left behind alone, like you are not even worth their attention, like you don't deserve appreciation…" Spencer gave him a knowing smile:

"You're still upset about Carls, uh?" Freddie blushed and he was suddenly obviously uncomfortable. He knew he could talk to Spencer about anything but talking about Carly had always seemed wrong since he was her older brother and stuff like that.

"Yeah…" He finally gathered enough. "It's just that today was my first date after the taco truck incident and…"

"You were hoping she'd say something?"

"Or show something; anything, really, back when we were together…" And Freddie suddenly felt like that had been ages ago. "She wouldn't let anyone near me and today, she didn't even mind I had a date…" he sighed, staring at the bowl of chili. "I guess that really does mean she didn't like me from the start, doesn't it?"

Freddie searched Spencer's face for some sort of answer; talking to the brother of the girl you like was like using cheats for a video game. If someone knew Carly, that person would be Spencer and he was about to tell Freddie what he thought Carly was feeling. Whatever it was that he had to say, Freddie was sure it'd be useful and honest:

"Hey, Freddio, have I ever told you about the summer I spent with Socko's uncle Clay?"

Ok, that was far from useful.

"Look, Spencer, if you just don't want to have this conversation, I a completely understand and…" He realized something and stopped mid-sentence. "Wait, what does Socko's uncle do for a living?"

"He works with ceramics." Spencer said matter-of-factly.

"Of course he does." Freddie rolled his eyes and smiled focusing on his dinner slash breakfast again; Socko's family always seemed to choose their career based on their names.

"Anyway," Spencer said crossing his legs and eating from his own bowl so hungrily the chili was starting to drip from his chin like it often did on their "Baby Spencer" sketches. "The summer I spent with Socko's family, was the summer of love…" Freddie was always amazed by how a simple sentence from Spencer could sound so, so wrong.

"Uh, Spencer, you really don't have to force a new subject. I meant it when I said we could just skip the Carly conversation, really, I…"

"HUSH!" Spencer raised his hand and put it in front of Freddie's face, just inches away from touching him in an act that was meant to shut him up. "I'm about to tell you a very, very meaningful, heartfelt story from my youth and you're going to listen to it…And you're going to learn."

Freddie was so confused by Spencer's attitude that he looked sideways in search of a hidden camera (Sam had done that before; it was a possibility) but Spencer still looked pretty serious about the story (or at least as serious as Spencer could manage to look) and Freddie concluded it wouldn't hurt to just listen to the story at once:

"So, is it going to have a moral or something?"

"More than a moral, Freddie." Spencer said dramatically though the chili running down his chin ruined the moment. "It'll have… a lesson."

"Aren't those like…the same thing?"

"No; there's a difference: stories about people have lessons, stories about talking animals have morals." No wonder he dropped law school, Freddie thought to himself. "Anyway…" Spencer finally wiped the food from his face. "I was fourteen and had just been forbidden to go back to summer camp…"

"Why?"

"This is not a story I'd like to talk about." He said suddenly really gloomy.

"Ok."

"As I was saying, I had just been forbidden to go to summer camp and that really got me down so Socko, being the good friend he is, invited me to spend the summer in Fresno with his uncle Clay and his aunt Piper."

"Is she a plumber?" Freddie asked with a smirk. Spencer's eyebrows rose:

"No, of course not." He said as if that was the most absurd idea ever. "She made pies."

"Oh."

"So, the thing you need to know is that Clay was a very talented artist, so, the reason Socko invited me in the first place was because his uncle often taught younger artists some techniques so he thought I'd really enjoy the trip. Also, back then, I was really in love with a girl from our school that wouldn't even look at out direction." Spencer's expression turned dreamy and nostalgic all of a sudden. "I had been in love with her for the last three years: she had beautiful black hair and her face was so round and white, it was like seeing a perfect specimen of brie cheese." Leave to Spencer to find Brie cheese attractive, Freddie thought. "Her name was F. G. and she was our school's most talented sculptor."

"Effigy? Her name was Effigy and she was a sculptor? How appropriate."

"No, no, not Effigy - F. G. -Those were her initials!" Spencer corrected him. "Her real name was Futoula Gracie."

Freddie couldn't help making a face:

"You liked a girl named Fotoula?"

"You have a friend named Salim, don't you?"

"Who?" Freddie remembered what Spencer was talking about. "Oh, yes, right. Salim. My friend from Texas." He tried to sound convincible; luckily for him, Spencer wasn't exactly quick-witted:

"Anyway, Socko insisted on me going there because his uncle had invited F.G. and she had accepted! I still couldn't believe just how lucky I was, suddenly, I didn't even mind not going to camp anymore. That's how much I loved Futoula."

Freddie chuckled:

"Futoula…" He said under his breath, gagging as he did so.

"Anyway…" Spencer openly ignored his mockery. "Although I was more than willing to get there and finally spend some time with the girl I liked so much, I hadn't considered the one down side; Lotta."

"Who?"

"Lotta; she's Socko's cousin. Her real name is Charlotte but everyone calls her Lotta."

"And what does Lotta do?" You know, Freddie had to admit he actually enjoyed knowing how far Socko's family could go with their professional choices. Lotta was an unusual name, there was no way she could work with Lotteries…or could she?

"Lotta didn't have a specific job; she was always an arrogant overachiever. Always looking down on me and complaining about how I had no ambition in life and that's why I took art classes instead of finding a part- time job and being…" He swallowed his own saliva bitterly as if the next words were just too hard for him to pronounce. "Responsible and mature."

"So Lotta didn't do anything?" That was surprising.

"No, no. Lotta had at least three part-time jobs; she did a lott'a things."

Unbelievable, it was just unbelievable. As Freddie remained in shock; his jaw hanging in surprise, Spencer went on:

"Now, the moment I saw Lotta was going to be with us the whole Summer, I started reconsidering whether spending summer with Futoula learning art was worth having to be around Lotta all the time. And that's how much I disliked Lotta."

"I see…"

"Anyway, art classes were amazing; I decided I wanted to be a sculptor that summer, I tell you. I knew I wanted to work with art at some point in my life but I still had no idea how much I loved sculpting, you know? I loved getting my clothes dirty and painting cool stuff and I even got to spend time with F.G. who sat right next to me during our Arts and Crafts activities with Socko's uncle." The story was taking so long, Freddie was starting to wonder whether Spencer remembered he had a lesson to pass with it or not. "As summer went by, I could now easily talk to F.G.; we'd sculpt together every now and then, Socko said we looked so nice together, he could almost see us doing ceramics together like that couple from that movie about that guy that dies and comes back, you know?"

"Uh…yes?" Freddie tried to erase the images from his mind.

"So, before I could realize, I was very close friends with Futoula; we were often seen together, having ice cream, eating Auntie Piper's pies…I decided it was time to finally declare my deep appreciation towards her." Spencer made a pause for suspense but Freddie didn't even acknowledge that so he just sighed and went on. "Well, thing is, the day I decided I'd tell her everything I had been keeping to myself all those years…Was the day Lotta told me she liked me."

"What?" Freddie was just chewing on a mouthful with chili but the information came so unexpectedly he accidentally spilled some of it. "Didn't you just say Lotta hated you?"

"And I honestly thought she did so, when she declared her feelings, I just thought she was trying to make my life miserable by, I don't know, pulling a prank or something, you know?" Freddie nodded, he understood it too well. "So I just ditched her off with a wave and a laugh and told her I liked someone else; she just stood there – I still remember the expression on her face – as if she was about to cry."

"You made her cry?"

"No, not really. When I realized what I had done, I tried consoling her but she was already angry and she kicked me in places that really shouldn't be kicked."

"Ouch." Freddie flinched.

"You think that was bad? You should see what happened to me after she rubbed poison ivy in my toilet paper." Spencer shuddered with the memory. "Now that is a bad experience to relive."

"I told Socko about Lotta's feelings and he just laughed at me said I was the only one who didn't know; that she was being pretty obvious about it. At first I didn't believe him, but then I realized that well, I am pretty stupid after all, right?" Freddie nodded in agreement. "And although she did make my life pretty miserable all the time she did send me Valentine's Day cards every year and she was always bringing me lunch she had cooked and she even did little sculptures with the food…"

"Spencer, how did you even think she didn't like you?" Sometimes, Spencer was denser than a block of concrete, really, but that was a bit too much.

"Oh, Freddie, teenage boys are all stupid." He then made a pause staring at Freddie. "Uh…no offense."

"Whatever." He shrugged. "What about F.G.?"

"Well, after Lotta made sure I had the worst summer of my life; I didn't feel like telling F.G. about what I felt would make my life any easier, so I ended up not telling her."

"Ow."

"And then, F.G. found herself a boyfriend which made me pretty devastated."

"Aw, Spencer…" Freddie was starting to relate to the story.

"No, kiddo, I'm far from the end yet." Spencer waved Freddie's pity off. "So as I followed F.G. and her new boyfriend around town…"

"You stalked them?"

"I didn't stalk them!" Spencer answered sounding offended. "I just followed them from a safe, yet close enough so I could hear what they said, distance and hid behind bushes if I thought they could see me."

"Yeah, two completely different things." Freddie rolled his eyes; but he supposed he wasn't one to talk after all.

"One day I followed them inside a ceramic store and you know what I found?" He didn't wait for Freddie's answer. "A mug shaped like a t-rex!"

"How can that possibly be relevant to the story, Spencer?"

"It is!" Spencer insisted. "I decided I just had to buy that mug so I grabbed it and went to the counter where they told me - brace yourself, kid - the mug wasn't for sale!"

The story was turning out to be worse than George, the Bra ghost tales.

"Oh, wow." Freddie said suppressing a yawn.

"And you know why it wasn't for sale?" Spencer didn't pay attention to Freddie's expression at all, he acted as it the story had reached its climax. "Because it was a piece made by the daughter of the owner! Now guess who the owner was!" He poked Freddie's arms a hundred times.

"I don't know…"

"C'mon, just think!"

"Uncle Clay?"

"YES!"

"So what?"

"What you mean so what?"

"What's so important about the store belonging to Socko's uncle?"

"Well, because the mug I had loved so much was done by his daughter."

"Ok and who's she?"

"What you mean who's she? Haven't I told you Lotta was Clay's daughter?"

"No, not really."

"Oh, I suppose that sort of ruined the surprise then." Spencer pouted his lips. "Well, it turns out that Lotta was also a sculptor! I suppose I should have guessed since she was Clay's child and she was always sculpting the food she brought me…"

Spencer truly wasn't a quick-witted person.

"So I realized I had had feelings for Lotta all along."

"Because of a mug?"

"Not a mug; the mug. She called it the Mugosaurus!" Spencer said that with the same tone a mother talks about her child. "And it wasn't the mug, really, I didn't realize back then, Freddio, but I did like Lotta a lot more than I had ever liked F.G." Spencer's tone was really serious now and Freddie understood that was the part he really needed to pay attention to. "That day, I left the store to find Lotta but F.G. stopped me; she said she had noticed me walking around her lately and she was wondering whether I liked her or not because…She liked me back."

"And what did you do?" Freddie hated Spencer that moment. He didn't know he liked a girl that had liked him all along and, as if that wasn't enough, the girl he had liked since the start also liked him back – how dare he complain about his love life?

"I did what I thought I wanted; I told her I liked her back. I mean, I had just realized I might have feelings for Lotta but I was sure I liked Futoula for ages; picking the right thing, the comfortable things seemed like the smart thing to do back then, you know?" Freddie nodded – it was an unexpectedly smart move from Spencer who so often acted so riskily. "But it was the stupidest thing I could do."

"What?"

"F.G. dumped her boyfriend for me and we spent the rest of summer together and I thought I was having the time of my life 'till we kissed."

"She was a bad kisser?"

"Nah, she was alright; good lip work and all that but; the first time I kissed her it felt glorious; like I had just won the best prize ever, you know? But that was it."

"Uh?" Freddie was about to give up understanding.

"You know how awesome you felt when you first found out what you were in the game last night?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Now, imagine you didn't find it hard to discover who you were, imagine if you won the game like a hundred times in a row…Would it still feel as glorious?"

"I guess it wouldn't." Freddie shrugged.

"That was what happened to me as time went by and I kept kissing Futoula; what I first thought were fireworks because I loved her were just victory fireworks. The sort of feeling you get after you waited a long time for something."

Freddie understood Spencer's metaphor at once:

"I'm not sure how much I can tell you about kissing your sister but it had nothing to do with feeling victorious…"

"I'm not having this conversation." Spencer cut him. "What I'm saying is that, sometimes, we keep love inside us thinking it will last forever because we are dealing with it everyday as if it was a pet we take care of but what we don't realize is that keeping the love inside does not stop it from fading. To make love a real thing, you're supposed to let it out, every day on your own way, because love is not something that belongs to us – love belongs with the people we love." Spencer made a pause, thinking about what he had just said. "Wow, that was deep, I'll grab some pen and paper to write it down and send it to Mick."

"Mick?"

"Socko's brother-in-law. He has a band."

Spencer stood up and started browsing for pen and paper hurriedly and Freddie tried to understand what he had just told him. It was true he had been with Carly for only a little a while but he had felt more than glorious or victorious…He was happy, genuinely happy; he had liked Carly since ever and being with her seemed right, safe…simple. He was sure he had been in love with her and that he was happy with her; if he had accidentally gotten over her in the past he would have realized; he wasn't like Spencer; Spencer was slow. A great guy and all but slow nevertheless.

"You know, Freddie," Spencer's voice came from somewhere under the sink before he popped up with a pen and a paper on his hands. "Love is not supposed to be simple; it's like art, the one rule is that there are no rules. Trying to organize things, choose the easy way it's not the good thing; there's no logic in love."

"Are you trying to tell me to give up on Carly?" Freddie asked sadly and Spencer patted him on the shoulder:

"No, I'm telling you to pay attention." He started writing down his previous thoughts but he didn't seem to remember them. "You're still young and silly and, if you don't open your eyes right now, you'll let things trick you. And, take the advice from someone who's been there before, you do not want that. There's no such thing as meant to be, love just happens." Spencer bit the tip of his pencil. "I'm writing this one down as well!"

Freddie sighed, he now was sure Spencer was telling him to give up on Carly and move on 'cause she didn't like him at all.

"Whatever happened to Lotta?" He asked, hoping to change the subject back into lighter topics.

"I dumped F. G. by the end of the summer." Spencer answered darkly. "And told Lotta how I felt."

"And?"

"And she took me out on a date to her father's ceramics store." Yes, Freddie hated Spencer.

"And she threw the mugosaurus at me, hurting my forehead and breaking it. She then insulted me using so many different words in so many different languages I can hardly remember."

"Ouch." Ok, maybe Spencer wasn't so lucky after all.

"She said she'd rather die than be with someone who couldn't make a simple decision to save his life if necessary." Spencer sighed and sat back down next to Freddie. "She then got a really weird voice and said some words in a language I didn't know, gesturing towards me. Socko says her mother comes from a part of the family that was related to gypsies and that she threw a curse at me."

"Are you for real?"

"I don't know if that was true, what I do know is that that summer was also the first time I accidentally set fire to something." Freddie's eyes widened in surprise but he decided he didn't want to believe in that part – it was too much for his sanity:

"Well, then it's a good thing you and Lotta didn't work out, right? She was insane." To Freddie's surprise, Spencer just smiled sadly at him and said:

"You think so?" He sighed. "I see Lotta at least once a year during Socko's big Christmas feast and nowadays she's a successful business woman. Lotta and her half sister, Maggie run a magazine together. She smiles and waves at me politely like the mature person she is."

"And what do you do?"

"I run and hide in the bathroom to cry a little." Spencer said pouting his lips. "Socko says I'm being a big baby; well I am a big baby. That's what makes me a tormented artist!"

Freddie sighed and Spencer smiled at him:

"Dude, honestly, you say you like Carly since forever, right? Have you ever liked anyone else? I mean, you suffer and you say you're used to it but, haven't you had other dates? Other girlfriends?"

"Sort of." Freddie answered, his ears turning red.

"Well, did any of these girls made you blush, made you suffer?" Freddie considered whether or not Sam counted as a date/girlfriend since he had kissed her and she did make him suffer all the time. "I think, Freddie, that maybe you just truly never been in love for sure. I mean, I'm sure you love Carly and that you like Carly as well but those two are two separate feelings, you know? The way you love Carly and the way you want to be with Carly are two separated things; and maybe, because you never considered the possibility of liking someone else, so you never got to know the many different ways to love someone." Spencer said those things without looking at Freddie, writing it all down on the little notepad he had gotten under the sink. "I mean, now that you've been with Carly once, how come you were still able to go out with Leslie today? Don't you think that maybe your feelings aren't as strong as they were when you were younger?"

"Spencer, you threw a tantrum! I had to accept going on the double date with you!" Freddie protested but Spencer smiled:

"I'm not going to insist, kiddo. I just think you're ignoring the facts, really. I told you, didn't I? That there's no logic to love."

"Yeah but if there's no such thing as a love that lasts after you keep it inside all the time and that no love is "meant to be" then why do you still suffer whenever you see Lotta?"

"Because Lotta and I are a different case."

"How?" Freddie raised an eyebrow.

"She's my princess charming, ok?"

Freddie was going to make a clever, sarcastic remark to this but his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the elevator. Spencer seemed alarmed:

"Holy Mexican! It's Sam! Hide the chili!" he said pushing the bowl of chili back and forth, not sure where to place it. He ran around the kitchen, juggling with the bowls the two of them used but it was too late; Sam was already there, staring at them with narrowed eyes. Her hair was a jungle of golden curls under a crown – Freddie didn't exactly know why she was still wearing it but knew it wasn't wise to ask – and she looked really angry even in her sleepy state:

"I knew it. Mama can smell her chili from miles away; where were you hiding this, Spencer?" Spencer went for a bold move and answered her:

"In my secret hideout; the one where I keep all the stuff I don't want you to eat." He ended up sounding like a stubborn five year old rather than a grown man and Sam just grabbed him by the collar:

"You were hiding food from me?" Spencer broke under the pressure:

"Sorry, sorry! Here, take the chili is all yours! You can have it all!"

"Good boy." She said grabbing the chili and a big spoon from the drawer and sitting on the table with Freddie.

"Is she even awake?" Spencer asked Freddie approaching Sam silently as she ate the chili in robotic moves. Freddie shook his head unable to take his eyes from the scene in front of him:

"I don't know. I'm sure she can eat while sleeping though, it sounds like her."

"Yes, Sam is one unusual kid." Spencer said right before he got hit on the eye with chili. "Ouch, what was that for?"

"It's Miss Teen Seattle for you guys!" She said pointing to her crown – she still acted as if she was half asleep though. "I'm a princess!"

"Sure…" Freddie agreed ironically before turning and whispering to Spencer. "Princess Puckett, leader of all barbarians!" They both snickered but soon got hit in the eye by Sam's chili again.

"I heard that, ok?" She said. "You guys are so lame; playing a stupid game all night, forgetting to pick me and Carly up, hiding chili from me…I hate you all. No wonder you'll both die single!"

"Hey" Freddie protested. "Spencer and I are both young and we will find love someday, I'm sure!"

"Young? Spencer is almost thirty, dude, he's already passing the age when you are still allowed to make out!" Next to Freddie, Spencer whined. "Oh, face it, Spencer, your life has already jumped over the shark."

"She's being mean to me, Freddie!" Spencer said in his baby voice pointing to Sam. Freddie rolled his eyes:

"She's mean to everyone, Spencer. You shouldn't mind her." He turned to Sam again. "And you, demon, why did you send my mom that message?"

"You should thank me!" She said, her mouth so full, she spit more chili right in his face. "You guys were so caught up in that stupid "What am I?" game, I sent your mother that message so she would show up here, screaming about how Spencer had kidnapped you and made you pose naked to some sculpture of his or something."

"Hey, that only happened once!" They both yelled in unison making Sam's eyebrows raise.

"You guys are annoying me, I'll go back to bed." She stood up. "And I'm taking my chili with me!" She said grabbing the bigger bowl and entering the elevator.

Spencer and Freddie stood there watching the elevator door close.

"Why is it that whenever I talk to Sam, I feel like I have just been brutally tortured by a medieval guard?" Freddie said to one in particular and Spencer's face curled in a smirk he had never seen before. "What?" he asked.

"Nothing, nothing. You wanna crash on the couch?" Spencer asked and Freddie nodded. "Good, have a nice nap, I'll go to my bedroom; if you need anything, just ask."

Spencer made his way to his bedroom slowly, his footsteps weighing tons. Yes, he was old and alone but he knew a thing or two about love; he had learned it from the many, many times he had been dumped.

He knew for a fact that it was not right to date your ex-girlfriend's baby sister, nor her older sister…Nor their mother for that matter. He knew you weren't supposed to wear a tux to every single date with the same girl, especially if the date consisted of cooper on the park, and he was absolutely sure that it was not smart to stuff your girlfriend's dead poodle and use it on a sculpture…Yes, Spencer knew a lot of things about how to ruin a relationship but he also knew Freddie was a smarter kid than he had ever been and that all he needed was to let go of what he believed was right and learn to think outside the box.

From his room, Spencer heard Sam's voice yell:

"This chili is not spicy enough! I'm tired of it!" followed by the sound of something crashing and something splashing and Freddie's desperate voice:

"Sam! This is one of my good shirts! Now I'll have to take a shower! Oh, man! You're so annoying!"

"Oh, and you're a ray of sunshine, aren't you?"

Spencer closed the door of his bedroom, muffling the sounds from the exterior and shook his head from side to side with a smirk on his face. Teenagers could be so silly.

A/N: I had absolutely no fun finishing this lol. I hated it so much, it was so hard and useless but I felt like adding some Spencerness to the thing. And coming up with Socko's family members was sort of hard (yet totally cool). I think this story need some angst so be prepared to get a bit of a sad story soon. I'm also considering a future one shot so, make sure you check it when it comes out, ok ;D? Please review even if you hated it but be kind, I'm only posting this 'cause it was such hard work finishing it. Thanks again for all the great feedback, love you all! Did you guys watch iPsycho? How cool was the "Lucky You" thing xD? Best iCarly special so far in my opinion!