Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story, but I can keep on wishing... ^_^
LORD OF THE WHO?
Chapter One: Of Hobbits, Eagles and Jelly Beans
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, lost in the reaches of space, a blue police box plowed through the Vortex between dimensions. Two laughing space dolphins rode a bow wave of neutrons just ahead of the curious little vessel, which carried three occupants.
Most prominent was a tall man with startling blue eyes and a lionlike mane of curly brown hair. Clad in a white shirt, tweed trousers, saddle shoes and a very long neckscarf, he reclined in a rocking chair situated in the middle of the timeship control room. "No, no, no, Leela," he was saying patiently to a young woman who was sitting crosslegged at his feet. She was scantily clad in skins and appeared to be from some nomadic tribe. On her lap was an open book. The tall man continued: "Dick and Jane are brother and sister."
"The book doesn't say that!"
"Well, the book doesn't say much of anything, really. See Dick. See Jane. See K-9 run..."
Leela abruptly tossed the volume aside. "I don't want to learn to read. This is for old women, not a warrior, Doctor!"
The Doctor stopped rocking. "Leela! You can't be serious!"
"I am," she said coldly.
There was a long pause. The third occupant of the vessel, a small robot shaped like a dog, emitted an odd little electronic whimper.
"Know what I think?" said the Doctor, leaning forward so suddenly everyone jumped. "I think that Dick and Jane are a little too elementary. What you need, Leela, is a challenging book!"
"I don't need any book!"
"Oh come now. You love to hear my travel stories, and the battles I've waged against the Daleks."
"That's different!"
"Not in the slightest bit!" the Doctor admonished firmly.
At this point the conversation was rudely interrupted. A shudder reverberated through the police box as it negotiated a last temporal-spatial obstacle, then settled by itself to a standing halt. The shock of landing was just enough to tip over the Doctor's rocking chair and he landed backwards on the floor in a heap of tangled scarf and flailing limbs.
He sat up angrily. "Leela! You pushed me!"
"I did not!" She shot to her feet in indignation.
"Did so!"
"Did not!"
"The TARDIS has landed," interjected K-9 the robotic dog.
The Doctor scrambled to right his rocking chair, retrieved his scarf, glared at Leela, and sat down once more. Then he stood back up. "What?"
"The TARDIS has materialized," reiterated K-9.
"Where?" The Doctor moved to the control console. "We should still be in the Vortex!" He consulted the coordinates with a frown, then slapped the viewport switch. The shutters slid aside, and they looked out upon a lovely pastoral landscape.
The clouds cleared from the Doctor's face at once. "Ah!" he said, and began to smile. He patted the TARDIS console. "Dear old thing. Now why didn't I think of that?"
"Think of what?" asked Leela, suspiciously.
The Doctor turned to her. "I actually did have a particular story in mind for you, Leela. The TARDIS picked up on my thoughts telepathically and sent us here."
"It sent us into a story?!"
"Well, this story was-- actually, will be-- quite real, you see. It was chronicled by a great Time Lord who once visited the Earth." The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors.
"Master?" asked K-9 tentatively.
"You stay here, that's a good dog."
They stepped into a warm, sunny noontime among fluttering green leaves. A delicious fragrance of clover, hay and roses wafted over them. Birds sang sleepily; honeybees and bumblebees buzzed; a small flock of sheep and goats baa'd softly on a nearby hillside. Leela gazed around in wonder.
They left the old blue police box of the TARDIS standing beneath a plum tree and made their way down a flowering bank and onto a winding path. Leela saw that a small, well-ordered community of people lived unobtrusively in this paradisical landscape. Little houses, rustic yet artistic in design, nestled among the groves. Sometimes a round door or window would be cut right into the side of a knoll or hummock. But the doors and windows were so small!
Then she heard the sound of hooves. Down a bend in the old rutted track a little white pony trotted toward them, head held high, handsome gray mane streaming. He was pulling a cart, and in the cart sat a whole family of tiny people, complete with several little and noisy children. The largest of them, a cheerful looking fellow in a weskit, could not have stood much more than three feet tall. They fell silent as they passed the two tall wanderers who had stepped to the edge of the track. Leela saw their round eyes reflecting consternation. "Good day to you," the Doctor said cheerfully, tipping his broad-brimmed hat. One of the children waved shyly; then they were gone around the bend.
Leela was enchanted. "What are they, Doctor?"
"They're Hobbits, of course! You'd know all about them if you had read the book." The Doctor's smile was laced with fondness as he surveyed the meadows and orchards. "A rather shy folk. They're not used to Big People." The Doctor shaded his eyes against the sun. "Ah. There it is."
"What?"
"The Hill. I should like to inquire after my old friend Gandalf. We haven't seen each other in simply ages!"
As they walked along the broadening road they met more Hobbits, some journeying, some picnicking, some picking berries by the wayside. One or two were bold enough to wave. Most simply stood their ground, a little fearfully, as the strangers passed by. Several slipped quietly into hiding. "Who is this Gandalf?" asked Leela.
"Oh, he's a Time Lord just like myself, of course!"
"Is he the one who wrote this book you keep talking about?"
"Heavens, no! No indeed. But Gandalf... Even when we were going to kindergarten together he was always in trouble." The Doctor chuckled. "He and Saruman were always getting into fights. Saruman, he was a wild one..." The Doctor's expression darkened slightly, then brightened again just as suddenly. "Brilliant but unstable. Son of rich Maiar who bought his way into the Istari order. He used to beat up on Gandalf all the time. One day Gandalf finally snapped. He took some Magic Markers and wrote all over Saruman's new white robes."
"What did he write?"
"It was some kind of stupidity spell, I think. I never did learn to read Elvish that well. Whatever it was, Saruman suddenly became the classroom dunce. But Gandalf's mischief had its price... Once the spell wore off, Saruman worked his way to the head of the class and became valedictorian, but nobody ever forgot him sitting in that corner with the dunce cap. After he graduated he was always on the lookout for revenge. He developed a regular complex... But that's another chapter."
As they reached the foot of the Hill, the Doctor fumbled in his pocket for jellybabies. "Hmmf," he grunted. "None left. I suppose these jelly beans will have to do."
On the top of the Hill stood a great lone tree of enormous size and girth. Leela gazed at it wonderingly as they climbed the winding path. Then her attention was diverted by a cascade of pink roses almost smothering a long, low, white picket fence. The bees were so thick in the air that their buzzing made a constant drone. A large and extravagantly well-kept garden stretched beyond, with neatly arranged rows of lettuce, cabbages and tomatoes; a great field of potatoes just coming into flower; corn, parsnips and turnips and carrots and everywhere great sunflowers and patches of herbs.
The Doctor looked closely at a rosebud. "Hmmm. Looks almost like a Meidiland. I wonder..."
"Doctor!" said Leela, pointing.
A hat was rustling among the potatoes, pushing aside the tall and healthy bushes as it came down the row toward them. After a moment's pause, a sturdy young Hobbit appeared from under the leaves, carrying a rusty spade. He marched right up to them boldly and cheerfully, slapped aside a trailing raspberry cane, and halted just on the other side of the fence. "Good day to you!" he said courteously, doffing the hat. "We don't often see the Big Folk here in Hobbiton. Maybe you've lost your way?"
The Doctor bowed deeply by way of greeting. "I'm known as the Doctor. This is my companion, Leela. We're looking for news of Gandalf the Wizard."
The Hobbit gardener regarded them with the barest hint of suspicion. "Strange names, those. And your clothes are even stranger. You've come from a right distance away. Well then... I'm just a gardener, after all. Sorry I don't know anything about no Wizard."
The Doctor smiled his most ingratiating smile and put one foot up on the first fence rail, leaning over it. "Oh, come now, Sam Gamgee! Gandalf and I are old friends! We went to kindergarten together!"
Sam was taken very much aback. After a moment of slackjawed surprise he gathered his wits together and brought them with him over the fence. He stood in the lane, hands on hips, eyeing the two strangers shrewdly. "Just how do you know my name?"
"Oh, I know everything about you," said the Doctor mysteriously. Leela snorted, but Sam turned, appropriately, beet red. "Samwise Gamgee," the Doctor continued blithely, "Youngest son of old Hamfast, known as the Gaffer. How is he doing, by the way?"
"Uh... Very well, sir."
"Good, good! My first trip to Middle-Earth took place during my very first life. I've been back many times since, but it's always more beautiful and complicated than before. I used to visit with Bilbo and your Gaffer, Sam, but now it seems we've landed in a later time. What date is it?"
"Why, it's the seventeenth."
"Of what month?"
"September."
"And the year?"
"1421 by our Shire reckoning."
"Ahhh!" said the Doctor.
Sam looked up at the tall man in undisguised awe. "You must be a wizard, or an Elf!" he said. "My old Dad never said nothin' about you, though! Course, he's a proud old fellow and wouldn't want to be caught talkin' with the likes of Elves and such... beggin' your pardon again!"
"I'm a Time Lord," said the Doctor. "Same as old Gandalf. And he and I have some talking to do. Well--" he drew himself up to his full height and shrugged his shoulders-- "I suppose we must be going. I think I know where the old boy is..." He began half-muttering to himself and counting on his fingers.
"Please," said Leela, "What is going on?"
The Doctor shook his head. "We won't discuss that here." He smiled ingratiatingly at Sam. "She's an unlettered savage I picked up along the way. Can't even read her own name."
"Doctor!" snapped Leela. He made a face at her, then turned back to Sam.
"I know now why Gandalf hasn't returned to you, and I know where he is. No, I'm very very sorry, but I can't tell you. I'm a Time Lord, you see, and sworn to not alter history. Come, Leela-- we must be going."
"Already? We just got here!"
"No no, I'm afraid we must be moving on quickly. Timelines are delicate,
you know; mustn't disturb them!" The Doctor was unusually serious. He leaned
down nose-level with Sam. "Your secret is safe with us, do not fear. Just
remember-- keep it safe!"
The startled Hobbit showed them back to the main road with the slightest hint of reluctance. The Doctor certainly could not fault him for that.
When they reached the rutted track, the Doctor halted and turned to their escort. "You're a good fellow, Sam," he said firmly. "Want some jellybeans?"
"Thank you, sir! Beggin' your pardon, though, I've never heard of those."
The Doctor placed a handful of the foreign candies on Sam's outstretched palms. "Why thank you!" the gardener said again, bowing. "I'll just plant these right away. Mighty strange beans..." he continued, turning them over in his hands.
"They're for eating," said Leela with a smile.
"Ah, but if I do, I won't have none to plant now, will I? I'll put 'em with the scarlet runners," he added, turning to go back to his work. "Goodbye!"
"Goodbye!" the Doctor returned cheerfully, watching Sam lightly hop over the fence back into the potato patch. "Remember," the Time Lord called, "Only one bean to a hill! And don't water them too much!"
With a jaunty wave, the Hobbit vanished into his lush garden.
"Doctor!" said Leela. "That was cruel! They'll never grow!"
The Doctor turned to her slowly. "Oh really?" he asked, in his most cryptic manner.
Leela snorted and started off the wrong way down the road. The Doctor took her arm and swung her around. "We got here at too critical a time, my girl. The moment Sam told me the date, I knew we were interfering."
"That is why we left so quickly?"
"Yes, yes, and unfortunate it is, too."
"I don't understand."
They hurried back to the TARDIS and were greeted enthusiastically by K-9, who had amassed a small pile of books from the timeship's library. They lay on the floor in neat piles, and had titles like Unfinished Tales, The Lays of Beleriand, The Treason of Isengard and The Silmarillion. Atop them all was perched a huge red leatherbound volume, three inches thick and stamped with gold foil lettering. The cover read: THE LORD OF THE RINGS.
The Doctor, muttering to himself, paused just long enough to heft the big book and hand it to Leela. She put it immediately aside. "Tell me, Doctor-- why was the date so important? What's the matter?"
He was working at the computer, muttering to himself. "Two main variants," he was muttering. "The book, and the live footage captured by that time-travelling Kiwi. Which one, which one...?" Something on a readout startled him. "Oh no! Did I do that?!"
"Do what, Doctor?"
He ignored her. She peered past him at a video screen. Displayed on it was a large golden eagle in a mountain eyrie. He pressed REPLAY and the scene flashed past again. The eagle was eyeing a large moth which had just arrived in front of it. With one lightning-fast snap of its beak, the moth disappeared. The eagle settled back into its nest, rustling its wings in satisfaction. "No no no...!" the Doctor groaned. "How on Middle-Earth did I cause that? No choice but to repair the damage..."
Leela laughed out loud. He turned suddenly and glared at her. "The shockwave of a TARDIS in Hobbiton can disturb the flutter of a moth's wings in the Misty Mountains!" he stated. "And Chaos can result!" Without waiting for her to reply, he punched several console buttons in rapid succession. The timeship disappeared from Hobbiton.
As they drifted through the Vortex, Leela took the opportunity to repeat her question. "Doctor--? What was so important about September 17?"
The Doctor flopped down morosely into his rocking chair, tossed aside his hat and regarded her solemnly. "All the answers are in that book."
Leela looked, for some moments, as though she might rebel. Then, not one to back down from a challenge, she squared her shoulders and retrieved the book. As she thumbed through it, she frowned in phonetic concentration. Then: "It's full of pictures!"
"Yes. It's the Houghton-Mifflin Gallifreyan Time Lord Book Collector's Special Illustrated Edition. Taken right from life."
She thrust the book onto his knees and moved to stand by his side. Together they looked at the pictures. "There's Sam!" she said. "Who is that he's standing with?"
"Oh, that's his best friend! That's Master Frodo."
"Look, Frodo has a book. It looks just like this one! Hobbits are not warrior folk."
"No, they are not warrior folk," the Doctor said solemnly. "But they can be very brave."
There were pictures of other Hobbits and various creatures, some beautiful, some fearsome. There was an illustration of Gandalf. "He looks like you!" Leela said, intrigued. "But he's got a beard."
"He looks like me because he's a Time Lord," the Doctor said, unperturbed. "He's got the beard because-- oh, that's it, yes! I knew I had to have a reason for wanting to see him. Last time we went on an adventure together, I accidentally got away with his shaving kit!"
"His shaving kit?"
"Yes. Time Lord beards are not like ordinary beards, you know, and wizard beards are even tougher. That's why you rarely see a wizard without a beard. Most of them just give up and accept it as part of the office. Takes a blade twenty times sharper than platinum to even dent them."
The TARDIS lurched suddenly; an alarm sounded. The Doctor dropped the book and bounded up. "Coming over Caradhras!" he said. "Gwaihir's eyrie is in this range. Stand by for hover!"
Two minutes later the timeship came to a halt in midair. The Doctor thrust open the doors. Leela, running to see what was outside, almost pushed him off the brink. He elbowed her back. Hanging onto the doors, he leaned outside. They were just over the nest of the golden eagle that had earlier been displayed on the monitor; but now Leela saw this wasn't any ordinary eagle. The bird was huge. "I say!" the Doctor shouted, shoving his windblown scarf out of his mouth. "Are you Gwaihir the Windlord?"
The eagle had not moved from its perch, but it was eyeing them with curious intelligence. Then it gave an affirmative screech.
"DON'T EAT THE MOTH!" cried the Doctor as another gust of wind howled through the TARDIS door. "Do you hear me? It's important! DON'T-- EAT-- THE-- MOTH!"
The eagle screamed again. The Doctor stepped back and slammed shut the TARDIS doors. "Whew!" he said in relief, consulting his chronometer. "That was close!"
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More on the way, folks. And thanks very much for your reviews of my other stories!