Ok Everyone. I have never written anything similar to this before so I ask your patience. I am an avid fanfiction reader, and have never tried my hand at writing before. I started this mostly because I wanted to see if I could do it, and to improve my writing skills in general. Also, I love Alex Rider fanfiction, and I wanted to try my hand at one of my favorite plots. Be assured that although I am writing about a very common theme, I am planning on making mine as different as possible. I'll also do some things I haven't seen before in other stories. Since I admit that I am much more a reader than a writer I would ask that you not flame my work please. I would however love to get constructive criticism and feedback on how to improve my writing. And you are welcome to request things you would like to see in the story. I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1 –Where Am I?

It's never going to end.

Jack.

The pain, the struggle, the unsatisfying knowledge that no matter what I do, I can never escape my past.

Please Jack.

I didn't think I would feel this way. Or, I guess I should say not feel this way. I guess I always knew that this was a possibility. That I would lose everything in a single moment. And yet, I thought I would feel more. It was like the total absence of reality. The space between feelings and thoughts where nothing exists but the beat of your heart and the air going persistently in and out of your lungs even though you can't remember telling your body to breath.

I think I had to remind myself to breath. My brain wasn't working right…not really.

Come back to me Jack.

Red was all I could see at first. Just that and nothing else: the color red. I was covered in it. All other details were obscured in my sense of utter devastation and disbelief. No thought other than that I couldn't allow myself to think, because thinking would mean accepting in my head and in my heart what my eyes were telling me.

And there she was. Before I even knew what was happening I was cradling her in my arms. I didn't even remember speaking, although later I heard observers relating my quiet pleas to the unfortunate authorities sent to "clean up" the mess.

Someone must have pried me away from her at some point. Someone also must have helped put me in a car because I couldn't remember when I came to not be holding her, or how I came to be sitting where I was. Nothing seemed real.

I think people tried to talk to me. In fact I'm almost sure of it. But it wasn't until I heard "Jack" and "dead" in the same sentence that I came out of my stupor enough to recognize what the person was saying.

"Alex, I'm sorry Jack's dead, I really am. We just… didn't reach you in time." Oh. It was Mrs. Jones, of course. I couldn't even get out of myself enough to feel surprised that I was already at MI6 headquarters. It could have been one minute since it happened or ten hours for all the notice I took.

"Alex, we need to focus on keeping you safe now."

I think she was talking to me again.

"There's nothing you can do for Ms. Starbright now, you have to focus on yourself."

Yep. Definitely talking to me. But her words didn't make any sense. Focus on myself? How could I do that? Jack was…well she wasn't here and if she wasn't here then what I had been denying in my head repeatedly for the last hour must be true and I…I couldn't accept that. The only time I focused on myself was when I was with Jack. It was the only time I could still be me in any sense of the word. The only time I could shed the persona I surrounded myself with in every other aspect of my life. She was the one who reminded me who I really was before everything bad really started. Before my image of Ian was shattered.

Ian.

Jack had joined him now.

My head continued swimming as the outside world flowed around me. I was like a statue amid the moving throngs that were the living humans. Nothing but a piece of marble often admired, but rarely appreciated.

"ALEX!!!"

"What--" I guess my brain and tongue had decided to work together again.

"Alex, we've been trying to get your attention for the last five minutes! Snap out of it!" Her voice had taken on a slightly frantic quality. It was more emotion than I had ever heard from the quiet, peppermint fragranced woman.

"I can hear you." My voice sounded strained and dead even to my own ears. But I could focus more now. I could process where I was and what she meant with more clarity than before.

"Alex, we are sending you to the SAS camp at Brecon Beacons again. It's the only place at the moment where we know you will be safe. We know it's been a while, but the units rotate through there and some of the trainees will still remember you. It's the best place to send you under the circumstances until this matter is resolved."

She had to be joking. As if losing the most important person in my life and the closest thing to family I had wasn't enough? I don't know who was more surprised with my response, her or me.

"Ok." That's it. I am officially crazy. Maybe I would have done almost anything to get out of their presence? Yep, that must be it. Blunt hadn't even bothered to speak since I walked in the door. Anything to get away from the responsible parties to this nightmare.

"Alex, you realize that this arrangement may be quite permanent for awhile? At least until we come up with a more suitable solution?" Ah, there was Blunt adding his two cents. "You know that we now have a lot of…clean up to do, and it would be best if you weren't around for it." In other words, don't expect to get to leave any time soon. That was easy. I had learned early on not to expect anything from my "owners".

"Fine." I guess my one-word answers were all I could get out still.

When I left the office, I didn't look back.

I don't remember the drive to my home, but it didn't really matter. All I could see was red again. I could see it, feel it, smell it.

Blood. Her blood.

I looked around me and realized somehow I had made it up the stairs to my bathroom. I must have subconsciously been heading that direction. Frantically I started scrubbing. My only thought was to get it off of me so I never had to see her blood again.

It just didn't want to come off.

Finally, when I stopped turning the water that sickly pinkish color, I dressed and left the room to gather a few things from home I wanted to take with me before being shipped away unceremoniously…again.

Home.

I guess I really didn't have a home anymore. Sure I had the house, but without Ian and Jack that's all it was…a house.

I wondered if I would ever have another home again. And yet, before the thought had a chance to take root, I resolved that I had to maintain a sense of professional distance from wherever I was headed. For no other reason than to protect myself, I could not allow myself to get attached to anyone or anything again.

Somehow I made it out of the house without breaking down completely.

I don't think I was aware of anything for most of the trip. When I was consciously aware, I spent the travel time putting myself into "mission mode". I could do this. I had done it countless times before. In fact I had perfected the look so much that most of my schoolmates could no longer even look me in the eye without feeling the need to shudder. Some of them actually did.

It was just a matter of putting my feelings aside and focusing on what was to come. No distractions. Nothing to lose. Just singular, raw purpose. My mission now was to pretend that I was stronger than I knew I was. No one would be privy to my personal failure besides myself. From now on, I was completely on my own and therefore, I had nothing to lose.

It was easier to do than ever before. Setting aside my feelings when they were so anguished was a blessed relief.

And I realized that I was dangerous. I could feel myself slipping over the edge and into the abyss of carelessness. I finally had as little to lose as all the criminals I had been taking down for months.

In a way, it was liberating. The Alex I had been before had died. I was the new improved version.

Time had no meaning. Before I knew it, we pulled up to those buildings I remembered so well from the beginning of this miserable nightmare. It all looked exactly as I remembered it.

I took a deep breath, and stealing myself had one last thought before stepping out into what I knew was my new life:

"Beware the last Rider."

Please review!! Is it worth continuing?