Maybe it's Not Meant to Be

~*~

There were times Ki-Adi-Mundi had to curse the uncomfortable sleep couches and chairs in the senior quarters of the Republic capital ships. Usually, as a Jedi, he would not consider material comfort important but the throbbing pain in his back was an excellent stance changer. He was an older Cerean and a physically active one at that so, sadly, the great Jedi found himself frequently experiencing the common back aches of his people. Sometimes having a larger, heavier brain was not the boon other species believed it was.

The battle was won though and that was all that mattered. A Jedi, he reminded himself as he removed his ragged cloak, did not waste time on personal discomfort. Not when there were beings that suffered in the galaxy. It was a bad choice of words, even though they were silent ones. Images of his dead family and the destruction wrought on Cerea came to mind and he paused, cloak falling from his hands to the floor. I failed them. I wasn't there. No. No, I am a Jedi, I did my duty…my duty. Closing his eyes, the Cerean steadied himself, driving the memories from his emotions, however, remained. The overwhelming sense of guilt, the affection he had felt for his family in spite of his best efforts to remain unattached, and his sense of loss.

Ki-Adi sank into a metal chair attached to a desk, the only furnishings of his cabin save his sleep couch, and attempted to centre himself. His feelings were not becoming of a Jedi and he was a Master, a Council member, for Force's sake! He was an experienced, wise Jedi. But you never really earned that place, did you? A voice in his head spoke, the same self doubting voice he heard throughout all his years as a Jedi. You were appointed before you trained a Padawan and did not see Hett's training through to the end. You are the product of an unorthodox and improper Jedi and you shall never escape it.

"No," He murmured, unconsciously clenching his fist and the voice within his mind quietened, "I will conquer this weakness." Looking down at his fist, he relaxed his hand and breathed deeply, focusing on his emotions. He reviewed each carefully, understanding them and calming his mind, before attempting to release them into the Force. The chime of his door alarm, however, interrupted his mediation. "Enter," he said wearily, rising to his feet, expectant gaze on the door before smiling at his guest.

He could not deny the same burst of delight, despite the circumstances, he usually felt upon seeing a healthy Shaak T after Hypori. The brutal slaying of his fellow Jedi in the disastrous battle was among his worst memories. "Shaak Ti, it is an immense pleasure, as always, to see you. Is there something wrong?"

The Togruta frowned silently and studied her fellow Councillor for a beat before replying. "I sensed a disturbance in the Force. So, perhaps, I should be asking you that question, old friend."

He knew straight away that attempting to hide his distress would be pointless. His friend's beautiful face wore her most determined expression. Mundi let out a low breath. "I…apologise for…distracting you. I was reminded of the Battle of Cerea."

A look of sympathy quickly replaced the woman's previous determination and Shaak Ti crossed the room to stand beside the Cerean, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You have every right to grieve, Ki-Adi."

"Attachment is not the Jedi way, I should not feel like this," Ki-Adi responded immediately, stretching his back as he looked up at her. "I am a Councillor. Why am I suddenly above the Jedi Code?"

His fellow Master waited a moment before replying, reaching out with the Force to identify the swirl of emotions emanating from her friend. "You must leave this, for your own sake." Her red hand tightened on his shoulder. "I do not like to see you in pain my friend, and this pain could destroy you. Hasn't there been enough loss? Do not add another body to the count."

Ki-Adi's eyes widened in understanding and a new bout of shame washed over the old Master. "I forgot, both your Padawans… I'm sorry, I..."

Shaak Ti shook her head. "There is no shame, the situation has been…distracting. But do you see that we must be even more mindful of emotions? I fear this war shall exact an even heavier toll on Jedi than just death. Master Fisto saw it in his padawan Nahdar before he died." The Togruta sighed and Ki-Adi was struck by just how vulnerable his independent friend looked. "Is this the way of the war? That the young die and the old survive."

"It would seem so," Ki-Adi agreed and Shaak Ti blinked before frowning again, removing her hand from where it had rested on his robe.

"Sorry, I did not mean to sound so…sombre, I find myself more and more distracted of late."

"No, you are quite right. This war is changing Jedi. We must fight to protect the Republic, but we must also remember to protect ourselves." Ki-Adi rose from his uncomfortable seat, back cracking as he did so, and this time the mention of protecting innocents did not trigger the voice inside his head. He would mourn his family, but there were many others who required his attention more.

Shaak Ti's eyes narrowed at the sound of bones clicking and she looked suspiciously at Ki-Adi. "Is your back giving you trouble again?" She asked and without waiting for answer, she reached with the Force, probing the aching tissue. "When were you going to go to Medical for bacta?" Shaking her head, she gave him a wan smile before moving to stand behind the Master. "Pain like this is too subtle for my skills to heal, but if I combine the Force with my bodily kinaesthetic knowledge…"

The Togruta trailed off and concentrated, one hand rubbing soothing circles on the Cerean's back, the massage soothing the inflamed tissue, while her command of the Force completed the healing and wiped away the pain. Her touch was firm, but gentle, the Ceren wasn't sure if her ministrations went on for hours or merely minute, but eventually Ki-Adi felt the tension melt away. It felt unbelievably good, even through the fabric of tunic.

Ki-Adi smiled lightly at Shaak Ti's straightforward she certainly encompassed a mass of contradictions. Brusque and sharp, kind and gentle, his friend had never had time for the indecisiveness of other beings. She didn't suffer fools lightly.

"Thanks, Shaak Ti, that does feel remarkably better," he murmured as he felt his whole body slacken and relax. Behind him, his fellow Master hesitated a moment, biting her lip, and Ki-Adi frowned, stretching.

"Shaak Ti, is there you something on your mind?" He asked, half trying to turn around, concern tinging his voice.

"Oh, no! Not at all, I was just thinking….remembering Hypori, that is all, and I realised I never did get a chance to thank you for saving my life and…being there while I was unconscious." With a wave of her hand, she silenced his attempt to reply. "I know you were there, I could sense you. So, thank you. It may not be becoming Jedi behaviour, but I cannot shake the feeling that being completely alone is…horrible." She paused and Ki-Adi raised his eyebrows at her admission. The Togruta were a herd species, true, but Shaak Ti always seemed so independent. It was the word that was always used to describe her. "And thank you for the lift to Coruscant, I spent enough time isolated during the mission to Dagu."

Ki-Adi shook his head firmly and turned to face his friend, catching Shaak Ti's gaze. "You never need to ask, old friend. Nor thank." Silence fell between the two and Ki-Adi swallowed. He had been the Padawan of the Dark Lady, a most unorthodox teacher, whose other two students either left the Jedi or fell to the Dark Side. Looking at the beautiful, strong willed yet gentle hearted Togruta before him, Ki-Adi knew in a heartbeat he was treading similarly dangerous waters. He had been attached to his family; he was becoming far too attached to Shaak Ti.

No, I was also trained by Yoda. I am a Jedi Master.

He cared for his friend, a lot more than he was supposed to. And being here, with her, he easily remembered why; her strength, her wit and caring nature. Hypori and the aftermath had tested him almost as much as the Battle of Cerea had, but he had put Cerea behind him now. Duty was important, the war was important. And his family…he had been attached and they died…

"Do not add to the body count," that is what Shaak Ti had said. I must get past this, release these feelings into the Force. The Jedi are what matters, the Republic is what matters. I will not fail again.

Shaak Ti nodded silently and an odd expression appeared on her face, one Ki-Adi had not seen before. "Ki-Adi, would you care to mediate with me? There is plenty of time until we arrive back at the Temple and I would like to collect my thoughts. You look like it would do you good as well."

The Cerean Master nodded and rose to his feet, selecting a space in the middle of his spartan cabin, and sitting cross legged. Shaak Ti joined him, sitting opposite his position. "Thank you too for the healing, I was simply too tired after the battle and healing…has never been my forte."

Shaak Ti's rare soft smile appeared on her face and she shook her head. "Think nothing of it."

Ki-Adi bowed his head and Shaak Ti did the same, closing her eyes and beginning her mediation. The Cerean paused for a moment watching her, controlling an impulse that burned within him almost more strongly than his Jedi training.

Then he too closed his eyes and began to mediate.

Just a bit of a character study of Ki-Adi-Mundi and Shaak Ti, the only two minor Jedi I have a fondness for who haven't received stories of their own from me. Since, despite the different species thing, I love the hints of a romance between them during the Hypori 2003 Clone Wars cartoon episode. Ultra thanks goes once again to Nanuk Dain for doing a beta for me. This fic was actually quite stubborn so please do review, I really want to know how I went with this one.