I got a bit addicted to Jane and Lisbon writing their thoughts down in 'Sharing Secret Selves' and this is the result (it's not connected to that story in any way, though). It's sort of set in real time (i.e. currently between S2E16 and yet-to-be-screened S2E17), though I reserve the right to veer off on my own tangent should the need arise. This chapter is long, I know, but there didn't seem any point in splitting it – if you enjoy it, length is an asset, and if you don't enjoy it, the length is irrelevant. So I hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer: These are not my characters, obviously. I would never so wantonly inflict such a multitude of hang-ups and baggage on any characters that I created!

The Journals

Lisbon had been dreading the day when a new CBI psychiatrist would be appointed to replace Dr Carmen. The circumstances surrounding Carmen's departure had naturally made the department very skittish about who they hired to replace him, and they had therefore (to Lisbon's relief) taken an unusually long time about it. Having battled to get their agents to talk to a shrink even before Carmen had used his position to set one of them up to take the fall for a murder he had committed, it had proven to be a bit of a challenge finding someone the agents would find approachable and trustworthy. In the wake of the murders of Bosco and his team, however, the pressure increased to hire someone sooner rather than later, and in the end they settled on an elderly woman with an unintimidating, grandmotherly air. If anyone could set sceptical CBI agents at their ease, Dr Williams could.

Lisbon knew that, Carmen or no Carmen, the department would still require her to fulfil the standard health procedures of the CBI, one of which was to visit with the psychiatrist in the wake of a killing. Since she had spent the last few months very successfully not talking about or dealing with Bosco's death, Lisbon was really not sold on the idea of being forced to talk about it now with the new department shrink. She wondered whether she could use what happened with Carmen to get Dr Williams to give her a free pass on this one. She even considered enlisting Jane's help to come up with a way of getting out of therapy. He was the only one who really knew what she'd gone through during the Carmen debacle and he'd been a staunch ally throughout. He was bound to be able to think up one of his 'cunning plans' to get her out of her obligatory appointments.

In the end all her scheming turned out to be quite unnecessary. One Monday morning not long after Dr Williams' arrival at the CBI, the doctor came of her own accord to Lisbon's office. She was pleased to find both Jane and Lisbon there, as she wished to speak to both of them together. After making her introductions, she smiled at their wary expressions and proceeded to explain why she had come to see them.

"Agent Lisbon, I am, of course, well aware of what happened with Dr Carmen." She gave Lisbon a look of deep sympathy. "I gather that you were not a big fan of having to visit a psychiatrist even before that happened, but I perfectly understand if what little faith you had in the profession has now been well and truly shattered. I am not here to make your life more stressful than it already is – my job is supposed to be to help you. To that end, I have a suggestion to make that will hopefully suit both your needs and the needs of the department."

She handed Jane and Lisbon each an unused notebook.

"Instead of visiting me and being forced to talk about things that you clearly don't want to discuss, I'd like you to keep a journal of your emotions for me. Nothing complicated, just a daily entry giving the principal emotions you've experienced during the day and perhaps a brief explanation of what you think triggered them. It's not a diary; it can be as utilitarian and impersonal as you see fit.

"At the end of every week, you'll make a copy of that week's entries and give it to me. If you've written anything that you consider too personal for me to read, feel free to black it out. Of course, your file will be completely confidential – only I will be reading it – but I understand your need for privacy and I don't want you to limit yourselves because you're worried that I will be reading it later. Rather have the cathartic experience of writing it down, and then censor my copy as you see fit.

"Keeping a journal is your therapy session; I will not expect you to discuss it with me. My only involvement will be to sign off your files and possibly suggest helpful reading material for you – which you only need read if you wish to."

She looked quizzically at Jane.

"Mr Jane, from what I've heard about you, I expect that everything that I receive from you will be, shall we say... unconnected with the truth. That's fine, I accept your right to project whatever image you choose. However, I hope that you will keep a real journal for yourself anyway. I do believe that you would find it very helpful."

She smiled benignly at them both and gave them a moment to process the idea.

"I feel like I've just been given homework," Lisbon said, eyeing her journal like it was bringing back bad memories. "But if this is what you need to sign off on my file, then I guess it's a fairly innocuous way to go about it."

Lisbon actually rather liked Dr Williams, and she was delighted with the idea that she didn't have to endure any more therapy sessions. Since she spent most of every day furious with Jane, keeping a journal of her emotions would be a piece of cake.

Jane also found Dr Williams difficult to object to, even given his natural aversion for doctors in general, and shrinks in particular. He believed her assertion that all she really wanted to do was help them, and he could see that she really believed that they needed help. Well, she was probably right about that – he and Lisbon were not exactly the most well-adjusted people around. He knew what a mess he was, and he had been worrying about Lisbon for some time now. She wouldn't accept the help that he so badly wanted to give her, so perhaps a little outside assistance wouldn't be the end of the world.

"I assume you're using the same technique with Cho?" he said, suddenly assailed by an amusing picture of Cho in therapy.

"Oh, no," Dr Williams replied, "Agent Cho and I have already had a session and it went very well."

Lisbon and Jane looked at her in total jaw-dropping disbelief.

"Kimball Cho?" Lisbon said incredulously. "Our Cho? He talked to you?"

"Well, I wouldn't say he was chatty, but he does have the ability to say with just a few sentences what would take most people dozens, so we got on very well." She smiled cheerfully at their amazed faces. "You'll send me copies of your journals every Friday, then? And remember that it's important to journal every day and to be as honest as you can."

She got up and shook their hands.

"It's been a pleasure," she said, before sailing out and leaving two very surprised people in her wake.

"Well," Jane said, "that was unexpected. You must be pleased. Don't think I haven't noticed you fretting all week about the new shrink and, no doubt, coming up with amateur schemes to get out of seeing her. You should know by now, Lisbon, that if you're ever in need of a diabolical plan, I'm your man. Hmm, speaking of which, I think I'll go and have a chat with Cho now."

"Don't badger him," Lisbon said in a warning tone. "Leave the whole shrink thing alone, Jane."

Jane gave her an innocent smile, and trotted off to wreak havoc as only he knew how. Lisbon gave an irritable sigh, tossed her journal into her drawer and got on with her work.

00000

Six o'clock. The day was drawing to a close and Lisbon thought she'd better do her 'homework' before she forgot. She pulled the journal out of the drawer, opened it to the first page and wrote the date. Then she hit a blank. What on earth was she supposed to write? She stared at the white page and did her best to analyse her emotions that day. It was much harder than it had sounded when Dr Williams was explaining it. The only emotion she could accurately identify was her present feeling of anxiety because she didn't know what to write.

Jane chose to grace her with his presence at this point. He was carrying his journal and had a certain glint in his eye that Lisbon distrusted.

"Go away, Jane, I'm busy."

"I thought we could write our journals together," he said cheerfully, seating himself at the small conference table in her office and opening his notebook. "Since I'm the source of a fair number of your emotions, I thought I'd come and inspire you in person. Be sure to tell Dr Williams all about the secret passion you harbour for me. She won't be able to diagnose you accurately unless you're completely honest and open with her."

Lisbon didn't dignify this with a response. Realising that she wasn't going to be able to get rid of the aggravating man, she decided to ignore him instead. It was easier said than done. She tried concentrating on her journal, but out of the corner of her eye she could see Jane writing busily. Typical – he would find it easy, the jackass. Unsurprisingly, he was also right – as her irritation levels rose, Lisbon did suddenly feel inspired to start writing herself.

Jane's Journal: Week 1, Monday

Today I experienced the same emotions I've felt every day for the past seven years – grief, anger, guilt and vengefulness. I have no doubt I'll be feeling those same emotions for the foreseeable future, so this exercise looks to be very dull indeed. No point in trying to fix me, doc. You won't succeed.

Lisbon, however, could use a bit of catharsis. When I noticed that she was struggling to write in her journal, I came in here and needled her a bit to give her somewhere to start. Seems to have worked.

Lisbon is a master in the art of denial, and I actually think this journaling idea might be helpful for her. She not only refuses to talk to other people about the things that are bothering her, I think she even refuses to admit them to herself. If she gets to the point where she's writing them down and acknowledging them, maybe she'll be able to start dealing with them and moving on.

Bosco's death and Minelli's retirement hit her really hard, but she won't talk to me about it and won't even admit that she's sad. I worry about her. She doesn't have any outlets for her pain.

Lisbon's Journal: Week 1, Monday

Jane has just come in here for the sole purpose of annoying me, and he has succeeded very well. I spend a substantial part of every day being annoyed with him. For some reason he seems to rather enjoy it. I think he only feels really alive when he's eliciting a reaction (any reaction will do) out of other people. He measures his own reality by the size of the impact he can make. That's why his obsession with Red John is so unhealthy – they feed off each other's neediness. But I'd better not get distracted by that disturbing line of thought.

Other emotions I've felt today?

Well, I was a bit nervous about meeting you, Dr Williams – I thought you'd come to set up appointments. I was relieved when I realised you weren't going to.

I feel stressed a lot – as you know, I have a high-stress job, and having Jane around doesn't help. Today he insulted one of the local LEO's we're working with on a case, and I had to step in and soothe ruffled feathers. It's not a part of my job I enjoy and it annoys me that he never makes any attempt to show restraint. Or rather, that he goes out of his way not to show restraint.

I also worry a lot about Jane and my team and my brothers. I feel responsible for them and am concerned when things are off-kilter. Of course, Jane is always off-kilter, but that just makes me worry more. I like to be able to fix things and I get frustrated when I can't.

I guess I'm also a bit down. It's been difficult at the CBI these last few months. I feel a bit abandoned. And, obviously, sad about everything that's happened. It hasn't been easy. I try not to dwell on it, but when you work in a place where a tragedy has happened, it's hard not to be reminded all the time. I guess it'll fade with time. I hope.

00000

Jane wondered if there was any chance he could get hold of Lisbon's journal without her finding out. He was dying to know what she'd written. Of course, if she ever found out he'd read it, it would ruin any chance that journaling might actually help her, and he certainly didn't want that to happen. In the end, Lisbon solved his dilemma by telling him that she'd hidden her journal and he need not bother looking for it. The fact that she so clearly didn't trust him made Jane immediately want to prove her wrong.

"I wouldn't dream of trying to read your journal, Lisbon," he said, trying to look as offended as possible at this aspersion on his good name.

"You'd read it like a shot if you got the chance," Lisbon said, not the slightest bit taken in, "which is why I'm not giving you the chance."

"How can I be sure you won't try to read mine?" he said.

She rolled her eyes. "Feel free to hide yours too if you're so concerned. I would think Cho and Rigsby would be more of a concern than me, though."

"Why? Are you not interested enough to want to pry?"

She sighed. "I'm sure it's fascinating reading, Jane, but I don't happen to think invading someone's privacy is acceptable behaviour."

"Of course it isn't, which is why I would never read yours, Lisbon," Jane said, remembering somewhat belatedly that he was supposed to be defending his honour.

"Right, because you have such an aversion to invading people's privacy. It's one of your most stand-out characteristics," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Jane's Journal: Week 1, Tuesday

For today's emotions, please read paragraph 1 of yesterday's entry.

I get the sense that Lisbon is quite taken with the whole idea of writing in a journal. She went to all the trouble of hiding it from me (she knows me too well), so she must have written something worth hiding. That's a good sign.

I must say in passing that however justified her lack of trust in me is, it still bothers me. It's irrational to want an intelligent woman to trust someone untrustworthy, and yet the irrational feeling persists. I suppose it's because she can actually trust me on a deeper, more important level, and yet I know she doesn't quite. And that's upsetting.

She's busy scribbling away in her journal as I write. I've decided to make it a habit for us to write our journals together – partly to make sure she sticks with it and partly because it's amusing watching her and trying to guess what she's writing. Plus, it can't hurt to have her associate pouring her soul out with my benign presence. Maybe it'll encourage her to talk to me more. Getting her to communicate her feelings is about as easy as getting blood from a stone, so anything that will help, I'm in favour of.

Lisbon's Journal: Week 1, Tuesday

Jane asked me today whether I was interested in what he's writing in his journal, and I confess that I am very curious – though I expect, knowing him, that he's just writing the lyrics to a song or making a grocery list or something to make me think he's journaling. I find it hard to picture him actually pouring out his soul on paper, even just to list his emotions. He's the most secretive person I've ever known.

Emotions...

I am for some reason feeling a little paranoid that Jane will read this, so please keep your copies of this in your safe and not your filing cabinet. Jane considers locked offices and locked filing cabinets to be the equivalent to an open door with a welcome mat, and if he can't find my journal, he's bound to come and look in your files instead. Trust me on this – the man has no boundaries.

Mostly I was in a pretty good mood today. Jane managed to get on my nerves a few times, but I would worry that he was ill if he didn't, so I put that on the plus side of the scale. We spent the day in the office, so it was pretty peaceful and I got a lot done. Aside from the relief I always feel when I start making a dent in the bottomless piles of paperwork, there's nothing to report, really.

00000

Wednesday brought with it a new case. The whole way to the crime scene, Jane kept guessing where Lisbon had hidden her journal. It made a refreshing change from him guessing which instrument she played in high school. (Incidentally, he had actually guessed the right instrument some twenty guesses back, but she wasn't about to tell him that – she was still revelling in the fact that he'd misread her body language on that one.)

"In among your files somewhere in plain sight? You figure I'm too lazy to go through all of them looking for it."

Lisbon neither confirmed nor denied the allegation.

"No," Jane said thoughtfully, "that's not it. And I'm sure you wouldn't bother with a locked drawer, since you know I don't see locks as obstacles. How about under the cushions of your couch?"

"I thought you weren't going to try to read it because of all that earth-shattering integrity you assured me yesterday was oozing from your every pore?"

"Oh, I have no intention of reading it. I'm just interested in where you've hidden it. You know how I love a good puzzle, Lisbon. I can't think why we've never played this game before."

"It's not a game, Jane!" Lisbon said irritably.

"Sure it is. And we both enjoy it immensely." He grinned at her and she couldn't stop the corner of her mouth from quirking upwards in response. He was right, she did enjoy their games – when he didn't push the boundaries too far, that is.

She was actually rather proud of her hiding place, and was relieved that he hadn't managed to guess it by the time they arrived at the crime scene. He had guessed several of the places she had considered before she'd found her perfect spot, so she was feeling a little unnerved. Perhaps she should hide it somewhere different every day.

The case distracted her for the rest of the day, however, and kept Jane entertained too, so no more thought was given to journals or hiding places till that evening. Lisbon was already writing in her journal when Jane sauntered in to join her.

Jane's Journal: Week 1, Wednesday

Today we got a new case. I always like getting a new puzzle to chew on. It keeps my mind occupied. Obviously my usual emotions, as above, are still there, but I don't notice them so much when I've got other things to think about.

I don't think that Lisbon has started dealing with her feelings yet. We were bantering today, as we so often do, but underneath it was still this persistent sadness that I wish I could magic away somehow. I miss her sparkle. I want her to be happy and at peace, and she's definitely neither of those things at present. I don't expect journaling will be some kind of magic bullet which will solve all her problems, but I do hope that it helps.

Lisbon's Journal: Week 1, Wednesday

Another young woman was killed today. No matter how many dead bodies I see, I never really get used to it. I get all crisp and efficient so that no-one will notice that I'm sad, but there's no getting around the fact that I'm in a depressing line of work. So many lives wasted over such stupid things. Does one ever get used to the idea of death? Part of me wishes I could and part of me knows that that would be a form of death in itself.

Jane was being quite well-behaved today. I managed to cut off all his attempted insults before they did anyone any harm – I think I'm getting quite adept at deflecting and corralling Jane's chaos. I'm quite proud of myself. Long may it last.

I'm starting to have a bad feeling that the Rigsby/Van Pelt situation is going to blow up in my face sometime soon. They're not very good at keeping their relationship on the down-low, and I can see a crisis brewing. I have no idea what to do about it. It's not fair that it's my job to either break two people up or essentially fire one of them. It's a lose-lose situation. I hate stuff like this. I shouldn't have to be involved in other people's love lives. I avoid all those hassles myself, and other people still make them my problem... how is that fair? And, yes, I know life isn't fair, but this shouldn't be part of anyone's job description, in my opinion.

So, I suppose my emotions today have been somewhat pessimistic. Sad about ever-present death; frustrated over problems I don't know how to solve; angry at the unfairness of it all. And for once, none of it was Jane's fault!

00000

"You look like you could use some coffee," Jane said, handing Lisbon the cup that he'd bought for her on his way to work.

"Thanks," she'd said, giving him a wan smile. Jane's heart sank. He was running out of ways to cheer her up, but he wasn't yet prepared to admit defeat. He sat down opposite her.

"So, what's new in the land of Lisbon?"

Lisbon gave him one of her 'what are you on?' looks.

"Since yesterday? Not a whole lot."

"You look tired. Are you having trouble sleeping?"

"No." She was getting irritated now. It didn't take much to get her hackles up. "I'm fine, Jane. Why don't you go and help Rigsby look through the surveillance tapes."

"Sounds like fun," Jane muttered, but he got up and left her alone, since that was what she clearly wanted.

The case progressed by fits and starts, and Jane spent most of the day following Lisbon from one interview to another. By the afternoon, he was fairly sure he knew who the killer was, and he proceeded to outline a plan to Lisbon to get the guy to confess. It wasn't a particularly outrageous or dangerous plan by any means, but it still bothered Jane that Lisbon went along with it without even putting up a fight. By evening, the killer was safely in custody and Lisbon was getting started on her paperwork.

Jane came in and waved his journal at her.

"Best get this done before you get too bogged down with your red tape," he said.

Lisbon huffed a little, but unearthed her journal from beneath the files that she'd just dumped on her desk. They both started to write.

Jane's Journal: Week 1, Thursday

Well, I was quite pleased with myself for figuring out our killer and executing a clever plan to catch him, but Lisbon was so distracted and disinterested throughout it all that it kind of took the fun out of it. She alternated between irritability and plain old-fashioned misery today. Nothing I did or said seemed to make any difference. It was both humbling and frustrating. Usually I can manipulate her into better mood, but today she wouldn't play along.

On that point, does manipulation count as manipulation if the person being manipulated knows what you're doing and allows you to do it? Or does their knowledge and consent mean that you're not actually manipulating them at all, but rather having a normal, open, consensual (albeit unspoken) interaction? Because Lisbon almost always knows when I'm trying to manipulate her and she either cuts me off at the knees or chooses to go along with it. Maybe she's actually the one doing the manipulating? Food for thought.

Lisbon's Journal: Week 1, Thursday

Jane figured out another case in record time, which sounds great in theory, but in practice it means that I battle to keep up with the paperwork. Too many cases too fast leaves me drowning in half-completed files, meetings with the ADA's, court dates, etc. Not to mention all the added paperwork (and time placating people or deflecting lawsuits) that Jane's methods tend to generate. I don't think he has any idea of what my job actually involves. While I'm working he just sleeps peacefully on his couch.

Actually, I'm not sure why I'm so annoyed with him – he didn't do anything especially exasperating today – but when I'm feeling stressed I always feel like he's somehow responsible. Force of habit, I guess, since he so often is responsible.

I have too much to do to spend long on this. Suffice to say that I'm not in a good mood. I guess I got out of bed on the wrong side this morning.

Lisbon tossed her journal to one side and got stuck into her paperwork again. Jane watched her for a few moments, then said, "How about I go and pick us up something to eat? What do you feel like?"

Lisbon looked up, immediately feeling bad for having had harsh thoughts about him.

"I don't mind. You choose." She gave him a little half-smile. "Thanks."

After Jane had left, she opened her journal again to make a brief addition.

Jane has gone to buy me dinner so that I can keep working. It's because he does things like this that I battle to stay angry with him for very long. Instead I feel an irrational sense of optimism, as though there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all. Which is my way of saying I've cheered up a little, because it's hard to be too out of sorts when Jane is being sweet.

00000

Friday morning was spent prepping for a trial in which both Jane and Lisbon were due to testify the following week.

"You can't say that on the stand, Jane!"

"Why not? It's the truth."

"Well, first of all, because it has nothing to do with the case and second of all, why do you have this overwhelming need to insult every single person you come in contact with?"

"I don't insult you, do I?"

'You insult me all the time!"

"Name one example."

"You think I'm controlling and uptight. You've accused me of being jealous of other people's happiness. You..." Lisbon looked like she was warming to her theme, so Jane thought it best to interrupt her.

"Telling you to relax is not the same as saying you're controlling and uptight. And even if I did think those things, unexpressed thoughts or opinions do not constitute insults. And I didn't accuse you of being jealous. I was stating a fact to show that I sympathised with your difficult position. I was trying to help."

"I need your help like I need a hole in the head."

Lisbon hadn't been expecting the flicker of hurt that crossed Jane's face when she said that, and she immediately felt remorseful.

"That came out a little harsher than I intended," she said by way of apology. "What I mean is that I'd prefer it if you didn't push and pry. Just let me work things out in my own time. Even when you mean well, your methods tend to come across as manipulative and intrusive."

"Lisbon, you never deal with your emotions unless someone or something makes you. You might resent it, but you know you need to pushed. And I'm the only person who has the guts to do it."

"You think I need to deal with my emotions? You're a fine one to talk!"

They glared at each other for a moment, then seemed to reach a silent agreement that the conversation be dropped. Lisbon turned the page in the file they were working from and they continued with what they had been doing as though nothing had happened.

Jane's Journal: Week 1, Friday

Lisbon accused me today of not dealing with my feelings. How can she say that? I've spent the last seven years doing nothing but deal with my feelings.

Here's how I feel: I feel as though nothing is sacred and nothing is safe. As a result, I don't want to feel strongly about anyone ever again, because it's a total lie that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

No time to write more - time to turn my homework in.

Lisbon's Journal: Week 1, Friday

Jane thinks that I don't deal with my feelings and that it's his job to make me. I have no idea where he comes up with this stuff. Granted I'm more inclined to express feelings like anger and frustration than I am sorrow or fear, but that's just who I am. And it's necessary for my work. He's totally wrong. I deal with things, but sometimes it just takes a while. Why he thinks it has anything to do with him anyway, I don't know.

Anyway, it's Friday, so I'm going to make a copy of this now and give it to you. I hope it's what you asked for. I think I may have strayed from the point sometimes. Sorry about that.

Jane followed Lisbon to the photocopier carrying his journal in one hand and wielding the biggest black marker he had been able to find in the other. They made their copies, then Jane waved the marker at Lisbon.

"Are you going to black parts of it out?" he asked.

"Are you?"

Jane was torn. He knew that if he didn't black anything out there was a much better chance that Lisbon wouldn't either, and he thought that it would be a good thing if Lisbon were to learn to trust Dr Williams. On the other hand, he was itching to black out nine tenths of what he'd written just to annoy the good doctor. Not that he disliked her or distrusted her, but Jane had always been reflexively uncooperative and secretive. In the end he decided he wanted to help Lisbon more than he wanted to irritate Dr Williams.

"Nope."

"You trust her, don't you?" she said, more as a statement than a question.

"I suppose so," Jane said.

"Let's go and give her our pages then," Lisbon said, leading the way. She figured if she didn't re-read what she'd written or think too much about any of this, she could cope with handing her unabridged pages over to the doctor. Maybe if she did, Dr Williams would then sign off her file and that would be that.

Jane, pleased with Lisbon's decision, relinquished his own pages after only a brief internal struggle. Dr Williams smiled at both of them, and thanked them for bringing the pages so promptly. As Lisbon and Jane were walking back to her office, Lisbon asked, "Are you feeling something akin to buyer's remorse right about now?"

Jane grinned. "It'll be fine, Lisbon. Gotta learn to trust someone sometime."

She grimaced, but didn't disagree.

TBC

Next up: Dr Williams makes a comment that drops a bit of a bomb in the middle of Jane and Lisbon's relationship.