Immaculate Filth
Grrckle?

||… Soooo. Guess what OC is sticking around permanently? x3 Also; Junjou Romantica isn't one of my favourite animes. The plot gets reeeaaally repetitive. But it's cute, and at some points could trouble a naïve young child~. I enjoy it for that reason. But it's actually pretty mild for what it is. I've actually seen more explicit at the public library. 8D

Another note: I decided I want freedom to swear a lot. After some careful thought, I decided to change this fic's rating to "M"; if there's gonna be more than two "fucks" per chapter, I want to be able to rightfully write that. Plus, I can throw in all kinds of perverted humour. :D

But that doesn't mean this is turning into smut. =_= Sillies. Get your fucking tramp minds out of the fucking gutter. You fucking insolent tramps. ;3 BESIDES SMUT IS BAD AND ISN'T ALLOWED ON THIS SITE SO GET THAT SHIT OFF OF HERE.

Cough cough.

Also, Johnny Depp will thankfully never play Preyas. His career is not tainted. Yaaaaay~

||Disclaimer: I dost not own Bakugan. I do own Harry, Jill, Farbus, and the driver~

This chapter begins with a fabulous shot of a wide, empty plain. Imagine it, if you so desire; a downy blanket of grass so green it could be candy, coating the world as far as the eye could see, with a dome of breezy blue stretched across the heavens. Here, noble beasts had grazed, free citizens of their homey dimension for a brief time. But alas, they wander here no more – though not for long.

Come on. You know that the world isn't going to be destroyed. You know that the main character is going to be the big hero. You know that every other pathetic attempt at "plot" throughout the show is just padding. Not even cool padding. The entire show is something very much akin to the Naruto fillers, which are widely acclaimed by many intelligent anime fans – not little wannabe kiddies who only watch mainstream and commercial anime – to totally suck.

Fr srs.

Watch cool anime, kids. Watch Junjou Romantica. :D (This message has been brought to you by the Society of Bored Teenage Girls Trying to Poison Young Minds…With a Smile!)

And now watch, in the distance – the thin wisp of smoke rising in the sky, and a small yellow dot in the distance, searing it's way across the clearing, the pitiful screams emanating from it shattering the peace.

In a blazing glory – quite literally – the bulky cab screeched to a halt. The screams didn't stop. It was quite a few minutes before Jill finally bottled up her howls; now it was just a matter of opening her eyes.

She was immediately met with the less-than-desirable image of the scowling driver sticking out his hand sullenly. "Pay up."

Forcing her shaky lips into a sneer, Jill glanced out the window suspiciously as she elbowed her partner in the stomach; Harry fell silent with nothing more than a few muffled whimpers. The view didn't offer much – just congested smoke and a hellish inferno. As far as she knew, he was lying and dumping them in some sort of volcano. "How I know ya ain't jacking us, foo? Ya sure this is New Ves?"

The driver scratched the stubble lining the top of his mouth grouchily. "Oh, I'm sorry, are you the one who makes a living out of carting people around to different realms? Trust me, this is New Vestroia. I've made the trip dozens of times, it's a popular vacation spot."

"… Feh." Never mind that he actually had a good point. Flipping him the middle finger (because that is exactly what badass gangsters do, foo), Jill turned away and elbowed Harry again. "Ya heard 'im, pay up."

"O-Of course, ma'am." No matter that his stomach was still lurching violently from being abused so much – he'd been through worse. He quickly shoved his hand into his pocket as he managed out the stammer out a question: "H-How much i-is i-it?"

"Sixty-five thousand, eight hundred seventy-one bucks and twenty-two cents. And half a soul."

Here comes the heart attack. "Grrckle?"

"Hey, it costs a lot to taxi people interdimensionally. Real expensive business. We gotta keep ourselves running somehow."

"Through highway robbery?" Jill accused, voice squeaky.

"Not all the time. We sometimes put on puppet shows for little tykes on the streets. They love the Martha and George act—"

Harry blinked, hands still buried in the folds of his pockets. "Th-that sounds… legitimate enough."

"—then we kidnap the brats and sell them on eBay. They sell really well – pedophiles make the best customers, because kids are actually less expensive than the candy needed to abduct them. When the streets are quiet, we like to pillage the random peaceful village."

Oh god.

Now very well aware of the fact that they were in the presence of a horrible nasty criminal, Harry pulled his hands out of his pockets frantically; all that came with them was some lint. He glanced towards Jill hopelessly, who just barely managed to force back a gulp of panic.

However, she was not known as "Jill the Jack-killer" for nothing. She rightfully earned that name when she happened to be on the scene when Jack broke his crown. What relevance does this have to the current predicament, you may ask…?

Why do you want to know? Leik, fr srs. Stop being a fucking stalker and get a life. I'm talking to you. With the epidermis. …The diseased epidermis.

"Holy mofo!" she shrieked, whipping her hand towards the window. "It's a… a… a… purple cow!"

The taxi driver snorted disdainfully, raising a bushy eyebrow. "Yeah, way to use an old trick. I happen to know very well that the toxic fumes and flames, that this particular mode of transportation created when it broke through the threads that keep reality itself strong and relentlessly carved it a tunnel through time and space, killed every living thing within a hundred kilometer radius."

"No, fo sho! There's totally a purple cow!"
"…Are you really that insistent? There is no purple cow."

"You stink."

"And you're funny-looking."

Rats. It appeared that this man was well-versed in the art of throwing scathing remarks. It looked like Jill would have to pull out the greatest hateful insult she had in her arsenal. "Yeah, well…YOUR MOM!"

She expected him to look insulted. She did not expect the rage and grief that suddenly twisted his wrinkled face, or the voice of deadened pain that answered her. "My mom died. When I was five. Of breast cancer."

"…"

"I bet you feel good about yourself now, huh?"

"…YOUR DAD!"

"He was killed on the job. An anvil fell on his head."

"…"

"He was an extra in an episode of Bugs Bunny. Needless to say, that episode was never aired."

Harry laughed weakly as Jill slouched back, defeated by this revelation of unfortunate history. When the driver shot him a sharp look, he instantly adopted a look of sympathy – perhaps the Bugs Bunny thing wasn't a joke. "I-I'm so sorry about your loss…es. But, um…i-if the toxic f-fumes and f-flames do k-kill as you say they do…then won't they kill us when we leave the cab?"

The expression of childhood trauma and internal sorrow disappeared off the driver's face, replaced with a look of complete incredulity. "Of course. Did you actually think I'd let you off without robbing your dead bodies after the fumes and flames disappeared?"

That shut Harry up. Bewildered, he glanced towards a sullen Jill. "…I-I don't know what to say to that…J-Jill, what do I say to that?"

She mulled over the question, slowly chewing her lip. "…Your sister."

"Received capital punishment when she beat her boyfriend, her other boyfriend, and that guy she picked up at a bar to death – apparently, they weren't comfortable with a four-way. What the authorities didn't know was that she was being controlled by a parasitic alien looking to frame her because she was the key to stopping their invasion of Earth."

"…Oh."

"Yeah. The aliens are still at large and working their evil schemes as they slowly infest our politicians and celebrities."

"…Oh dear."

"Yep. So anyways…" He stuck his hand out again, scowl deepening. "My sixty-five thousand, eight hundred seventy-one bucks and twenty-two cents and half a soul. And because you forced me to relive painful memories, I'm adding in an eyeball. Cannibals find them to be a delicacy, and would pay top dollar for them."

Harry's squeaky chuckle returned as he tugged on Jill's sleeve frantically. "J-Jill, think of something, p-please, b-before I wet m-myself…"

"EVERY GANGSTA FOR HERSELF!" Flinging off Harry's desperate hand, Jill dived for the door handle – because apparently she was too busy thinking up new insults to recall the whole "toxic fumes and flames" conversation.

And then the cold barrel of a gun pressed itself against her head.

"…Oh shit."

"Oh no you don't," the driver growled as Jill froze, hand on the handle and eyes staring deer-like at the apocalyptic scenery just beyond the window. "My money. Now."

Now was the time for Harry to suffer a nervous breakdown~. He hurled himself towards the floor of the cab, hands clasped and begging as he crouched in the cramped space. "W-We have no money! We only m-manage to g-get anything d-done through a s-series of comically convenient accidents! Please, t-take p-pity on uuuuus!"

"Hell no. I wanna get paid. Those strippers don't dance for free."

"Oh god, please…I-I'm snivelling a-at your feet h-here!"

"Yeah, and you're getting mucus on them. That's another fifty bucks added to your bill."

Jill said nothing.

There was nothing to say.

She had a gun pointed threateningly at her head, no gun herself (being a gangster herself, she should look into getting one of those), and her only hope was a wimp who succeeded at only making everything worse. Not even the faintly glowing silhouette – partially obscured by the coagulated smog, rapidly becoming clearer and closer as the smoke magically thinned out, and blackened grass regained a healthy green pigment as the flames doused themselves – was something that she could point out at this moment. Or the flowers that bloomed with every step the figure took; and now he stood at the front-passenger's window, silver whipping through the air and easily slicing a precise circle in the glass, and as that fell away, the slim sword found itself quivering just between the driver's eyes.

Leik lolwut. Barely coherent paragraph? 8D

Farbus' eyes gleamed with an eerie light as the gun fell out of the driver's shocked hands, his perfect teeth slightly bared. "I would suggest you allow my friends leave, sir."

"Right away, my good man~" With a humble flash of yellowed teeth, the driver snapped away from Jill, setting the gun down gently.

Farbus snorted scornfully (cowardice was, after all, far below him, even if the driver had a perfectly legitimate reason to be afraid) as he swung open the back door, glare fixated even as two tangles of limbs and relieved sobs tumbled out beside him.

Jill managed to execute an admittedly graceful faceplant, while Harry scrambled towards Farbus' feet. "Land! Laaaaaand! Ohmygosh, laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand! It's not on fire! I'm alive and still perfectly tough! …Yo! I love ya, man!"

"O-Oh sacred g-guardian angel," Harry whispered hoarsely, curling around the taller man's ankles and kissing his toes reverently. "Once a-again, y-you've s-s-s-saved me from certain d-d-death…I-I don't kn-kn-know how I c-can live w-without you now…"

While most people would have found such a declaration a tad bit creepy, Farbus took it all in stride with an airily boastful grin. "I do what I can. As for you, knave," he spat back at the taxi driver, "you will think upon your sins. May the good queen Kireina have mercy upon your wasted soul."

"Right away, my righteous sir~"

Farbus fell silent for a moment, scrutinizing the haggard man critically. "What is your name, infidel?"

The driver nodded eagerly, hand diving into his pocket and whipping out a grimy business card that he pressed into Farbus' hand. "Taxi, milord. Taxi C. Driver."

"Until you have seen the light of Queen Kireina Oni, Taxi C. Driver." With a stoic nod, Farbus slammed the door; not missing a beat, the yellow checkered vehicle began trundling away, wheezing in protest and coughing out coagulated smog. The look in Farbus' eyes turned into one of sorrow as he shook his head regretfully. "I can hear mother nature crying out in pain against that monstrosity…seriously, it's giving me a migraine."

"O-Oh gracious lord wh-whose e-eyes are like th-the gracious s-sky…" Harry looked up towards Farbus' finely carved face hopefully, relieved to see his idol looking back down on him with a gleaming smile. "How d-did you know to c-come to our rescue?"

"Oh, I found this." Farbus reached into the pockets of his loose vest – only now did Harry notice that he had changed out of the slim-fitting armor from earlier for soft, silky fabrics of brown and green, and damn did he look good in it – to pull out a wrinkled piece of paper that he quickly unfolded and smoothed out. "I asked around at the palace, but no one knew who it belonged to, and then I remembered you guys, and I figured I may as well ask you."

Harry blinked, quickly rising to his feet and delicately accepting the paper. He turned it over in his hands, scrutinizing it. "I don't r-recognize it…but it m-must have b-belonged to someone, I-it's been cut into some sort of sh-shape, and th-there's a hole, l-like it's h-had a thumbtack through i-it…"

"The shape's all familiar." Jill finally had her fill of praising safety, and was glancing at the rounded shape with curiousity. "Like…Iunno, some sort of whacked-out facial feature…"

"It couldn't be an e-eye," Harry said, shaking his head. "Sh-shape j-just isn't right…a m-mouth?"

"A really fucked up mouth."

"Or a very fucked up nose," Farbus suggested, taking it and stuffing it back into his pocket. "Plastic surgery gone wrong. Anyways, since this doesn't seem to be yours…"

"NO!" Even though Harry's slight weight wasn't enough to make Farbus stumble back, the knight was still surprised when the smaller boy leapt at him and wrapped his arms around his waist, wailing. "D-Don't leave us! Wh-what if that t-taxi driver comes b-back and threatens us? Or w-we're attacked by a b-bloodthirsty b-beast? WHAT IF I GET HIT BY ANOTHER DOOR? I can't l-live without you!"

"Well…I figured you two kids would need some help, since Queen Kireina is kinda in the middle of a vicious battle so getting an autograph from her would be kinda risky, so I was going to say I wanted to tag along. Maybe have some thrilling and heartwarming adventures along the way."

"…YES!"

"Hold up." Jill snatched Harry's collar, pulling him away sharply. With a gagging sound and a whimper, he was forcibly separated from his hero. "I need to talk to the crybaby."

"Make sure you go far enough to escape my earshot," Farbus said, nodding wisely. "I have super-hearing. Comes with being an elf and all."

The two froze, glancing back at Farbus with blank expression. "…An elf," Jill repeated slowly, frowning behind the brim of her hat.

"Ja."

"That would explain the fucking pointy ears…and the prettiness…"

"And the epic skills," the knight added. "Never forget those, very important."

"Right. Anyways…"

/Twenty minutes later of walking a couple of feet, giving up, and promising Farbus a wench for him to woo and redeem into a better life through Queen Kireina's saving grace if he covered his ears and made sure not to pay attention to anything they said.

"What the fuck arecha thunkin', having him come along?" Harry's pained whimper to being punched in the head and Jill's hisses were both kept comfortably below the volume of Farbus' (beautiful and honeyed) humming as the man rocked back and forth on his heels, fingers plugged firmly into his ears. "He fucking adores the chick we're try to curbstomp here!"

"B-but I can't l-live without him! Besides," the boy added, sniffling, "w-we need someone to p-protect us as we sn-snivel and hide from all d-danger…"

"…Point taken." Now that she thought about it, it meant that Harry had someone else to cry to whenever he got a papercut. OH YAYZZLES. "I guess we'll just burn that bridge when we come to it."

"So you're conversation is done now?"

Harry and Jill squeaked, whipping around to see Farbus standing over them, ears unplugged and staring. "Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh…"

"Don't worry. I only unplugged my ears when you said 'come to it'. I figured you were talking about pornography, which is admittedly an embarrassing topic, so I understand you being wary of me being a part of the conversation…"

Harry promptly died inside.

"…I'll just carry him," Farbus said, picking up the slack body and slinging him over his shoulder. "Now to get to New Vestroia…"

"Hold up, the driver said we were at New Vessy!"

"You kidding?" Chuckling at the very thought, Farbus busied himself with waving his hand through the air to create a glowing door way (happily without a physical door, kthxbai). "We're in the newest region of the Pokemon world, Hellion. They got hit with a bad case of the Team Munchies."

"…"

"Yeah, I think they're running out of names too."

The next few moments were silent as Jill watched Farbus literally work his magic and finish carving out the portal, when another thought occurred to her. "Fuck, you can make your own portals? Why the fuck didja leave us to the homicidal taxi driver?"

Farbus glanced at her, raising an eyebrow. "I had to hurry to the Temple of the Holy Queen Kireina Oni so that I wouldn't miss the mass held in her honour. Queen Kireina always comes before mysterious, slipshod travellers who look like they haven't showered in weeks."

"…oh."

"Ja. ^^ Queen Kireina comes before all else~"

Oh the comfort.

-im-

"SCENE SWITCH. SCENE SWITCH. OH MY GOD. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. I'VE BEEN WAITING ON THIS MOMENT FOR TWO AND A HALF MONTHS NOW."

"That's kinda sad. Like, pathetic sad. Even sadder that you had to say that all with the capslock button on."

"…Tell me, how is your story planning going?"

"Shut the fu—"

A crashing sound and a murderous scream announced a new arrival. "YOU STOLE STANLEY THE WALRUS MUSTACHE AND GAVE IT TO THEM?"

"…"
"Hey…Wynnie…"

-im-

"…Okay, dude," Dan finally spoke up, squinting against the safe shadow of his arm, thrown up protectively against his face. "Can someone turn down the lights? We've been standing like this for half an hour now, it's starting to hurt…"

No Daniel.

Silly, silly Daniel.

Naïve Daniel.

He was going to be standing there quite a bit longer. At least until this authoress got off her lazy ass and engaged herself with her writing a bit more often.

So ends this chapter of the worst Mary Sue parody of all time. It is really, really sad when one can never seem to get to introducing your principal character.

Tsk~

-im-

There is an old guy.

He sits in the middle of a darkened room, the only source of illumination being a flickering lightbulb in the corner that dangles from a few frayed wires. An unlit cigar flops from his wizened lips, matching the movement of jiggling jowls, wrinkles haunting in the twist of weak light and darkness

The rocking chair, held together on spit and prayers after its last termite invasion, groans and wails as the old man shifts back and forth, his shrunken fingers twisting and tugging at something unseen in the darkness.

Milky white eyes gaze unceasingly ahead, only faltering under the tremble of heavy eyelids. He dreams, reader. Dreams.

Perhaps he's dreaming of you. Being an insolent tramp.

And you want to know something else?

He's masticating to this thought.

||Whoever gets the 'masticating' reference (besides CG) totally gets a cyber hug from me~ If you don't get the ref…then GTFO. You fail at basic fanfiction history knowledge. DX

Also: Pedophilia is a serious issue, and I am a horrible person for making fun of it. I beg you to sue me.

…AND YES I WILL GET TO THE FUCKING SUE NEXT CHAPTER.