Matt

He kissed me.

He kissed me.

He kissed me.

He kissed me.

He. Kissed. Me.

I didn't know how to react. I didn't know how I was suppose to react. What did Mello expect? I didn't know what I wanted him to expect. I wanted to grab him and return the kiss as passionately as I'd always longed to. I wanted to slap him for kissing me and leading me to think hopeful thoughts without any idea weather or not he actually wanted me. I wanted to run away.

I wanted to please him.

"I'm your first kiss, Matt," he suddenly whispered, poking his arm and staring right into my eyes with those icy blue beauties of his. "Don't forget that. Nobody else is allowed to have you. Not Kelly or Linda or May or anyone. I win."

I win?

I win?He won?

Won what?

Didn't he already know he had me?But then he stepped away, and I saw a look of both shame and victory cross his face, and he turned away and left. Just.. Left me.

I felt my emotions and false hopes shatter as the door shut. What had he meant by that? 'I win.' Win against who? What did that kiss mean? Was it just a game? Just another contest? Just another act to become number one? Was I just another pawn?

Why did he mention Kelly?

I stumbled and automatically collapsed to the bed, breathing hard. 'I'm your first kiss, Matt.' Mello's voice echoed in my head. It was true. He was my first kiss. That kiss that I had wanted so badly from no one else but him, and I had received it only to make mello… what? Happy? Victorious?

..shameful? The look in Mello's eyes at the very last moment confused me. I didn't know what to think. What was I suppose to think? My mind was blurred, confusion the only thing in front of me. I knew I should be angry. My first kiss, poof, gone, and somehow to the person who had placed the kiss it meant… nothing. Nothing? I didn't know what Mello felt on that kiss.

I knew what I felt. I remember the shock as the warm, soft lips pressing against mine, the sudden closeness, Mello's eyes closing as he closed in on me, his slender, gentle hands caressed around my face, fingertips resting just beneath my eyes. I felt the rush of fire, the emotions pulsing through me all at once. Shock, happiness, confusion, disbelief…. Love. The almost irresistible urge to lace my fingers through that blonde hair of his and take over the kiss, to return the pressure on my lips, to pull him closer to me. But the confusion countered the feeling. What if he reacted badly? What if that wasn't what he meant by the action? Just when I was trying to figure it out, the moment was gone and I had done nothing but stare at him.

And now he was gone and I couldn't even ask him.

Was he coming back? Somehow I felt he wasn't going to. I felt the overwhelming need to chase after him. He needed to know, he needed to know now, before the moment was either buried in memories we - he - wanted to forget or completely shattered our friendship. For better or worse, he needed to know what I was feeling.

I didn't hink, I just acted, swinging out of the room to search for him.

Near

Being at the intelligence level that I am, I'm not exactly used to being completely and utterly shocked.

That day I was.

I was just minding my own business, making my slow progress to my room, hand tracing the wall for any need of immediate grapple for balance, opening my door, and…

I was greeted by a familiar blonde hunched over in the middle of my floor, clutching a pillow like a lifesorce and sobbing like a baby.

Yeah. I know. I was surprised too.

Never in my entire stay here at Wammys did I expect to see Mello in my room, much less overflowing with emotion like this. I could tell he had stormed in with a fit of rage, because my what-was-once-a tower of blocks was scattered around the floor now. I wasn't sure to react. Mello's head whipped upwards, immediately trying to compose himself into a glare, but it wasn't working. I could see his composure shattering even still, the fire that was once behind the ice in his eyes now dying out. I'm not a very emotional person, but that moment kind of scared me, and I felt myself falling to my knees as always, beside him before I could think of the possible consequences. Once I was beside him, though, I was afraid he was going to hurt me, but he didn't. He just started crying harder.

"D-dammit!" he howled, wiping his eyes frantically. "What the hell are you doing here so early!?"

"It is my room, you know," I replied, trying to make my voice gentle, but it wasn't a think I was skilled out - people often tell me my voice was monotone. The blonde glowered at me, but seemed to see the logic I my statement and went quiet. I frowned. "Did something happen with Matt?"Mello flinched, immediately telling me I was right, and he sniffed, wiping his eyes again. "F-fuck you…" he muttered, squeezing his knees closer to his chest, looking all the more like a girl. It made me a little uncomfortable, seeing all this emotion that I fear I can never feel even if I tried, but I kept myself from acting out. "Y-you better not tell anyone you saw me like this, you hear? I'll break your arms to m-match your stupid legs.""Why did you come here?" I ask, still genuinely confused by the fact he was here in my room and completely ignoring the jab - I didn't take notice of things like that, I was far too used to them by now.

And then something weird happened.

Mello

The only reason I had gone into Nears room was because I knew Matt would come looking for me. And of all the places that I knew he would search, I knew he wouldn't search here. I wouldn't even search here if I were searching for myself. I'd come in kicking and screaming, angry at myself and the world, angry at Kelly for making me act this way, hating my mother for raising me so unsure of who I was, hated Matt for being so damn useable, hated Near for leaving his blocks in the way as I kicked them out of my way, hated the floor for being so hard when I collapsed into a bundle of tears.

It was weird though. Near kept just looking at me, like he was honestly trying to understand the pain I was in. Maybe he really was. I hated the little freak, but I was kind of touched he still acted this way. Biting my lip I looked down at my feet.

"Why did you come here?" he asked in that monotone voice, still no emotion crossing his voice nor his face, his dead gray eyes staring at me in a certain, tiny twitch of a way that told me he was listening. I frowned. What did he even care about me? Didn't he know I hated him with a passion?

"Why should I tell you?" I mutter, looking away and desperately trying to avoid breaking into tears again. I see the albino move to sit more comfortably beside me, his face still blank as he fiddled with a yellow Uno card absently.

"You shouldn't if you don't want to. You've always been the type to pent everything up," he commented, and I squirmed uncomfortably because that was true. I sighed angrily - the annoying little twit would find out what had happened in his own way anyway, I figured, and honestly I was just needing to let it out for once.

Looking at my feet and knowing I was blushing angrily, I hissed, "It's all Kelly's fault."

After that it all just kind of spilled out. I wasn't exactly talking to Near, just talking, letting all my thoughts and feelings and emotions pour out. I knew I was crying through most of it, and that I sounded like a whiny brat. But I couldn't help it. I told him everything. About how Kelly hit on me, how she threatened me with Matt when I rejected her, the way I had completely broken down into a premature jealous rage, how I h ad only wanted to warn him, to let him decide what to do, but when I saw them there I had just exploded. I told him how I dragged him away. I told him about the kiss. I told him how he just stared at me. I told him how I had run here in a mess, even though he already knew that. I told him about the shameful ness, about how I used him so much already.

I told him everything.

And then I slumped and went silent, the tears all wasted and dried on my cheeks, Near just staring at me as if witnessing some shocking, impossible event happen. You almost couldn't see it, the surprise in his eyes, but it was there, dim behind the dead, gray film that colored his staring eyes, his mouth twitching the tiniest bit. A smile? I didn't know. I didn't care. I just stared at my feet again, trying to hide the shame. I was ashamed at everything, and I was scared, too - that shameful fear that I had broken something important.

Suddenly Near took both edges of the card and tore it, slowly, making a long, ripping sound. I flinched and looked up, seeing it in two, one piece in each of his hands. He looked at me seriously. "You're separated now, then. Are you going to tape it back together?"I frown. "Huh?""Are you going to tape it back together?"I stare at him, slowly taking in the meaning of what he was saying, and look away again, frowning. "I don't know if I can..."

We were silent for a long while, just sitting there. It was strange, being in the same room as Near and not wanting to twist his head off like one of those babies. Not that I'd ever torn one of their heads of intentionally - I freakin loved those Barbie things when I was little. Yeah, I know. Don't laugh at me. I especially liked Army Barbie, because she had a gun but still had cool clothes.

Yeah, I know. Stop grinning like an idiot.

"This doesn't make us friends, you know," I growl under my breath, but Near still hears me. "Just because I'm telling you this doesn't mean I like you."A startling sound escapes his lips, a kind of scratchy coughing, hiccup sound. I stare at him for a long time, seeing his eyes dance for just a second, and I realize it was suppose to be a laugh. It only lasts a few seconds before he shakes his head and returns to his usual monotone expression. "I know, Mello. I never expect you to like me. We can just be friends while you're in this room - after you leave I'll just forget about it. You don't have to worry about that.""…" I didn't know how to reply to that, my mouth opening a little to reply but having no way to. Was that a laugh? I didn't even think an ice cube was capable of laughing.

"Do you really love that boy?" Near suddenly asked, his eyes still boring into me. I flinch at the question and am tempted to flick him off for asking, but I guess it was an honest question. Since we're temporary friends. The thought made me smile a little bit, the idea of being friends so unappealing normally that it was almost an impossible notion, but I make it go away immediately, jerking my gaze away from his, but I can still feel him staring at me.

Do I really love that boy? Matt. I did love him. I guess I couldn't deny that now. Loved that stupid little grin, loved those goggles, loved the beautiful green eyes that were underneath them, loved his milky white skin, loved his contrasting red hair, loved how his hand would graze mine sometimes when he was trying to catch up, loved the way he always readily followed me everywhere I went, loved the way he didn't even have to talk to be close to me, loved the way he played his stupid little game with his nose practically pressed against it when it got intense, loved the way he called me Mells, loved the way he hugged me, loved the way he held me when I cried, loved the way he never judged me, loved the way he never complained when I ranted, loved the way he ignored me when I wanted to be ignored, loved the way he'd always look at me in class as if to make sure I hadn't left him, loved how he said he loved my annoying little giggle, loved his eagerness to watch Johnny Depp movies, loved the way he never forgot our anniversary, loved that he even cared, and I loved…him. All of him. Right down to the annoying way he never showered unless I reminded him.

I think he knew before I said it, because I was blushing and grinning unintentionally before I nodded. "Y-yeah. I do," I murmured, fiddling with the cloth at the bottom of my pants. My face twisted with embarrassment and annoyance and I blurted, "Not like it even matters - we're both guys. He doesn't like me back. I don't even think he swings that way."Near blinked, watching me carefully, then rolled his eyes - again, didn't know that was within the ability of an ice cube, but… - making me growl in annoyance. "What?""It's just you're so smart… and so dense at the same time. But it's not my story to tell," he said, almost warily. I squirmed where I sat, trying to unclog my thoughts. I couldn't think clearly right now though - had he called me smart? That wasn't expected. He also called me dense. That was annoying.

I frown and shake my head, resting my chin on my knees and trying to resist the urge to tackle him and scream at him to tell me what he meant by that. I was the one who invaded his privacy after all. And besides, it was hard to be violent when nothing but a lovable redhead was playing through your mind.

'I'll be your friend no matter what.'

I smiled, remembering the day he said that. Would he contradict that now?

Even if he didn't, would it be the same?

"Mello, I know you're upset, but you can't just stay here. Matt's going to search for you, you know, and I have a feeling he'll be panicking if you stay hidden for too long. I won't say anything but…"

Suddenly a thought rushed to my mind, blocking out what Near was saying now. A memory, flashing to my mind from two years ago, outside my room, my redhead with eh punch mark on his chin.

There was a desperate look in Matt's searching puppy dog eyes, and I knew he'd been hurt by whatever they'd said to him before he'd taken the blow. But then Matt's expression was changing from despair to determination, and I remembered the surprise when he reached out and took my hands in his, squeezing them tight. "It doesn't matter though, Mells," he whispered, "It doesn't matter to me if all of it's true, I still want to be friends with you, okay? I'm not going to abandon you, so you can't leave me either, okay?"

Then, my voice, my hands, pulling the goggles from his eyes. "Matty, you're an idiot…"

"…you couldn't get away if you tried," I whispered, knowing the last line of the memory by heart. Near jumped a little, obviously cutting off from whatever he had been saying. I looked up at him, feeling tears stinging my eyes, and without really thinking bout it I bundled him into a bear hug. He just sort of awkwardly sits there in my arms as I squeeze him, trying to get out a silent thank you before I pull away and jump to my feet. Near stared at me, bewilderment in his eyes, and I say quietly, "I hope I don't ever really kill you, Near." That's as much as a thank you as I can get out as I turn and run from t he door, our temporary kindness towards each other shattering as I took that first step through the door to find the boy I loved.

A/N: SHOCK! It's… A NICE TO NEAR CHAPTER :C also, lots of angst XD I told you I'd try and be nicer to Near-kinz. I do like t hat guy. This is NOT MxN, mind you, even when they hug. It's just friendship. Err, temporary kindness XD I guess Mello has a thing against hating people when he's in their room or something. Irk.

Anyway, here's this chapter I did when I should have been working on makeup work. Dammit, you guys, just dammit. XD