A/N: I am so sorry for the delay in posting this chapter! Have had some really crazy real life drama going on which has messed with the writing schedule a bit, heh. But here is the final chapter at long last. Must throw out MANY THANKS to my beta Sinvraal, who helped me fix up this chapter quite a lot, and made it so much better! Also... please don't kill me for this one... I promise there is a plan! Heheh.

Solo

Beeping. Incessant beeping, somewhere far off.

Kaidan desperately tried to cling to sleep, but too late. The world of dreams pulled away, going distant and gray, and reality came into sharp awareness. Not that reality was too awfully terrible at the moment… the bed was soft, the covers warm, the room dark and cozy.

But the damn beeping wouldn't stop.

Kaidan groaned thickly, pulling his pillow up over his head and smashing it down over his ears. This was supposed to be his day off. Couldn't they leave him alone for one damn minute?

A body shifted next to him, her presence drawing his full attention as he realized how very long it had been since there had been any warmth on the other side of the bed. Smooth skin slid along his as she sidled closer, one long arm reaching over his side so the fingers could run across his chest. "Aren't you going to answer that?"

Kaidan pulled the pillow off his head and turned to look at her.

Rachel.

Memories of the night before floated back to him: the benefit gala for Grissom Academy, her brilliant speech on biotics, the way she had tactfully yet soundly put a turian political aide in his place after his quip about the instability of human biotic ability. Kaidan wrapped an arm around her, pulling her near, and closed his eyes. "It's my day off," he muttered.

She gave a snort. "Since when did you have days off?"

He sighed. "Good point." He reluctantly untangled himself from her and reached down to retrieve his omni-tool from the floor, where he had haphazardly tossed it the night before. Bleary-eyed, he activated the interface and vaguely recognized the caller's ID signature. Anderson. The man was still bent on revenge, it seemed. At least this time he had waited until a semi-decent hour to call. Six in the morning may have seemed early to some, but as far as Kaidan's sleeping habits were concerned, 0600 bordered on sleeping late.

He answered with a swipe of his finger. "Alenko here."

"Alenko, good. Sorry to bother you on your day off, but I'd like to see you in my office at your earliest convenience."

"Understood, sir. I can be there in half an hour."

"Excellent. See you then, Commander."

The councilor terminated the connection and Kaidan dropped his omni-tool back to the floor. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.

"Do you think everything's okay?" Rachel asked quietly.

Kaidan sat up, glancing over to her. There had been a day when he would have bet that Anderson wanted nothing more than to discuss potential biotic special ops recruit options, but now… after what was going on with Shepard…. His stomach clenched. "I really don't know," he said at last. "But I guess I'm going to find out."

He threw back the covers and stood, moving around the room to retrieve the various articles of clothing he'd worn the day before. He supposed he'd have to go back to his place to retrieve some appropriate attire before heading to Anderson's office. The now-familiar stirrings of anxiety swirled in his gut despite his best efforts to suppress it. Six weeks since he'd gotten Shepard's message about going through the Omega 4 relay. Six weeks with no further word from her – or anyone else – regarding whether or not she had ever come back. He had done his best not to think about it, not to dwell or obsess. Had even avoided the news, just in case.

Shepard was the past. He'd hidden in the shadow of the past for almost two and a half years now. He'd finally began to see some light, crawling slowly out from under that long, oppressive shadow to get his life back, when Anderson had dropped that datapad with Shepard's picture on it into his lap. Shepard alive.

Yes, she was alive. But now she was gone again. And she was still the past. Six weeks of struggling again with the thought of losing her, and he had come to newly appreciate that glimmer of light he'd started to see months ago. That glimmer of light that made him feel alive again. That made him smile and laugh and think about something other than how much his heart hurt when he heard the name Shepard.

He'd worked so hard to carve out his little niche of peace… he wasn't sure he wanted any more news about Shepard, whether it was good or bad.

Kaidan felt Rachel's eyes on him as he dressed and a twinge of guilt churned through his racing thoughts. This probably wasn't the best way to start – or end – this particular morning after, but he wasn't exactly sure what else to do. Or say. The silence was already starting to curdle into awkwardness. Damnit. He was really bad at this sort of thing. Really bad. Even that first morning with Shepard –

Stop.

Kaidan shrugged into his shirt and turned to look at Rachel. She sat with covered knees drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped around her legs, messy auburn hair cascading down her shoulders. He walked to the edge of the bed and sat down beside her.

"I'm sorry I have to go," he said.

She granted him a smile. "Don't be. I know how it goes." She caught his hand and kissed his palm. "Thanks for going with me to the gala last night. You held up pretty well after all."

A faint smile pulled at his lips. "It was… more fun than I expected. I thought there'd be more politics. Your ability to keep a room full of rich aristocrats in line is extremely impressive."

Her smile widened. "And who knew a straight-laced workaholic like you would know how to Waltz?"

He offered a little shrug. "It's been a long time… I wasn't really in top form…"

"Good enough for me," she said, leaning forward to peck him on the cheek. "It really meant a lot to the kids that you were there. I think you're probably the most famous human biotic out there right now, aside from Commander Shepard, of course… and did you see those girls swooning?" She grinned. "I thought I might have to beat them off with a stick by the time the night was over!"

A blush crept up his neck as he tried to think of a way to side-step the compliment. It was true he had certainly never lacked for dancing partners, whether they were young or old, women, men, or aliens. Nor for conversation partners, having been almost constantly surrounded by people eager to hear whatever he could tell them.

Rachel slid a little closer to him on the bed, catching a fistful of his shirt and pulling him into another kiss. "I'm just glad I was the one who got to take you home," she murmured against his lips.

The blush intensified, making his ears burn. It had been a very long time, and he had probably been a little too eager… but it had felt right nonetheless. Or at least it had at the time. Did it still feel right now? He wasn't entirely sure.

He cleared his throat, gently drawing away from her. "Thanks for letting me stay."

"Any time, Kaidan."

He swallowed hard. "Maybe… maybe we can meet up later today?"

She nodded. "Sure. Just call me."

"I will." He leaned forward to kiss her forehead, then stood to put on his boots and return his omni-tool to his wrist. He paused in the doorway of her room. "I'll… see you later."

She blew him a kiss. "Bye. Good luck at your meeting."

He gave her a nod. "Thanks." He needed all the luck he could get lately. He walked quickly to her front door and let himself out, then took the lift to the lobby and exited onto the always-bustling sidewalks of the Wards. He lost himself in the crowd, exhaling loudly.

What in the hell are you doing, Alenko?

He just didn't know anymore.

Every time he decided he wasn't going to take his relationship with Rachel any further, he took it one step further. And every time he dared to relax and think that maybe they had a chance to be together long-term, he would immediately freeze up and withdraw. Rachel hadn't yet seemed annoyed by his inconsistency, he wasn't even sure she had really noticed yet… if she had, she likely attributed it to long hours of work, exhaustion, stress, or some such other relatively normal cause. She hadn't yet figured out that he was just broken.

He had become quite good at hiding it.

Kaidan ran a hand through his hair as he hurried toward the nearest transit station. He didn't really have time right now for a self-psychoanalysis. He had work to do. Working had helped before… it would help now. He just had to focus. Focus on the present, and the past and the future be damned.

Kaidan stood in Councilor Anderson's office exactly thirty minutes later, dressed in uniform. He could have worn civilian clothes, but if there was one thing he'd learned – and learned well - over the years, it was that outward appearances always mattered. Especially if you were an L2. And so his hair was carefully combed, his uniform freshly ironed, his boots polished. He stood at parade rest in front of Anderson's desk, face calm and waiting, showing no sign of the emotional turmoil he'd struggled with on the way over. No one could have ever guessed, just by looking at him then, that he'd obliterated his apartment just weeks before in a biotic outburst the likes of which he hadn't summoned since Brain Camp and Vyrnnus.

No one had found out about that yet. And he planned to keep it that way. Somehow he had convinced the Requisitions Officer that the prolonged humidity of Horizon must have damaged his amp, causing it to short out during a routine biotic exercise. The man hadn't even questioned the explanation, hadn't even been suspicious. He'd just put in the order for a new one, and Kaidan had it a few days later.

Being a highly decorated – and highly trusted – Alliance officer had its perks.

His attention drifted back to the present as Anderson approached him with a datapad. "Thanks for coming, Alenko. I'm sorry I have to keep dragging you in here on such short notice."

"I understand, sir. You wouldn't ask unless it was important."

"You've got that right."

His tone made Kaidan's stomach roll. His feeling of foreboding only intensified as Anderson handed him the datapad and his eyes skimmed the contents. A Non-Disclosure Agreement. He looked up at the councilor, eyebrows raised. "Sir?"

Anderson gave a firm nod. "I need you to sign it, son. This is top-level stuff. Nothing we discuss here can leave this room."

Kaidan's mouth stuck open for a moment. "Sir… I… don't have top-level security clearance…"

Anderson waved the statement away. "It's in processing. Your signature there will suffice for the time being. You've also been recommended for early promotion for your actions above and beyond the call of duty on Horizon."

Kaidan's mouth hung open again. If not for Shepard… "Sir," his voice sounded half-strangled, "I only did –"

"Don't try to be humble, Alenko," the other man interrupted. "That place was a shit-storm, and you weathered it better than most senior officers I know would have. You did good. Don't sell yourself short."

Kaidan closed his mouth and swallowed. "Yes sir."

Anderson glanced pointedly to the datapad and Kaidan brought his attention back to it as well, scrolling through the lengthy legal jargon. It seemed pretty standard. He finally reached the end of the document and pressed his right thumb into the indicated box. The device beeped in acknowledgement of a good print and a dialogue window appeared thanking him for his compliance. He handed the datapad back to Anderson, who promptly deposited it onto his desk.

"Now that's done, we can get to the reason I called you here in the first place." The councilor sighed heavily, straightening his shoulders and clasping his hands behind his back.

Kaidan braced himself.

"It's Shepard."

It was all he could do not to show a reaction, but inside his guts turned to water, every nerve suddenly burning. He remembered every damn word of the message she'd sent him, every nuance of her expression. She'd said they were going through the Omega 4 relay. Said they probably wouldn't come back. Said it was the end.

He silently begged Anderson not to say the words. If he just didn't hear the words, didn't watch the news, maybe he could just avoid it forever… live in the gray twilight of uncertainty and cling to the absurd and violent hope that she somehow made it back… anything but the certainty of knowing she was gone again – and this time gone without any chance of some kind of miraculous resurrection –

"She wants to rejoin the Alliance."

For a long while Kaidan didn't register what Anderson had said. He stared at the other man as his brain sluggishly came back from its panicked thoughts, slowly digesting the councilor's words.

Anderson didn't seem to notice his lack of response. "Her request has the brass in a fit, as you might imagine," he continued. "Those who served with her in the past are more inclined to trust her, especially given the data she's been constantly feeding us, which has been partially confirmed by our own operatives. But there are others who are not quite so quick to welcome her back, claiming that for all we know she could be an agent for the Illusive Man now."

Kaidan tried to breathe, feeling as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Shepard was requesting to come back to the Alliance. That meant she was alive. She was alive. She had made it back. Again it took a great deal of effort to keep the reaction off his face.

"And of course there are some who are still calling for her arrest as a traitor. But, she is still a Spectre. They're having a hard time convincing anyone to actively go after her. This is why we need you, Alenko."

His heart skipped a beat. "Sir…"

To his relief, Anderson seemed to read his thoughts before he gave voice to them. "Don't worry, Commander, I'm not asking that you arrest her."

Kaidan exhaled quietly.

Anderson paced over to the window, gazing down on the Presidium. "We've tried to keep eyes on Shepard since she first reappeared," he explained. "Trying to follow her movements and ascertain her true motives. All data collected so far suggests that what she told us is true: she was only working with Cerberus to stop the Collectors. From what we can tell, she maintained only limited contact with the Illusive Man – so little, in fact, that we weren't even able to use her communications to track down his location. Since our spies caught sight of the Normandy flashing back from the Omega relay, there have been no further reports of Collector activity. It seems her mission was successful."

Anderson turned from the window to look back at Kaidan again. "More significantly, Shepard has said she's severed all ties with Cerberus. We've been monitoring signals to and from the Normandy and thus far, she seems to be telling the truth about that, too."

Kaidan's heart thundered in his ears, making it difficult to hear.

The councilor meandered back toward his desk. "Based on the gathered proof to date, we've convinced enough of the brass that she isn't a Cerberus agent to be able to hire her on as an independent contractor for now. Limited security clearance, of course, but at least she'll have some Alliance support. The Normandy was severely damaged. We've sent her to a port to dock and start repairs. But we need someone on the inside. That's where you come in."

No. No no no, this isn't happening.

"You know her, Alenko. You'll be able to gauge her actions, understand her movements and detect any unusual behavior."

"Sir," he blurted, "with all due respect… it's been two years. A lot can change in that amount of time."

Anderson looked at him for a second, not comprehending. "You told me that when you met her on Horizon, you knew it was her and not just some fake?"

Kaidan swallowed hard, the collar of his uniform suddenly feeling much too tight. "Yes sir. But… the Shepard I thought I knew would have never worked for Cerberus. Her behavior isn't exactly in alignment with the Shepard I served under…"

Anderson shrugged, as if that didn't matter in the least. "Still, you would be able to tell if she's maintaining contact with the Illusive Man, and that's what we really need to know." He shook his head. "I'm a Councilor now, Alenko, I don't have the authority to handle this whole Shepard business. I'm turning it over to Hackett, and he and several others want you on this. You'll be the Alliance liaison to Shepard while she's listed as a contractor. Report any suspicious behavior or communications to Hackett."

Kaidan's chest tightened. "I'm no spy, sir," he tried desperately. They couldn't ask him to do this… he couldn't go aboard that ghost of a ship, serve with the ghost of the woman he had loved, pretend like nothing had ever happened between them, look into her cold green eyes and remember that she had used to smile only for him…

"It's not spying," Anderson assured him. "Shepard knows the conditions of her contractor status; she knows she'll have an Alliance officer monitoring her and her ship."

"Sir…"

"You're the best one for the job, Alenko. Your history with Shepard gives you the advantage here. Concerns that you might become compromised after contacting her were put to rest on Horizon."

Kaidan blinked. He hadn't even known it had been a concern.

"Sorry, son. There is no one else."

Breathe, Alenko. Just breathe… "Understood, sir."

"You'll still be able to manage the Biotics Division remotely. But we've got to put Shepard as a priority. If we can get her back…" Anderson sighed, shaking his head. "We need her back. Especially since the data she's most recently acquired looks to validate her claims that the Collectors were working with the Reapers. The Collectors were building a Reaper from the looks of it. It's a goddamn nightmare."

The councilor walked around behind his desk and sank down into his chair. "We've got to sort this out. Convince the rest of the Council it's time to take this Reaper threat seriously. The numbers Shepard sent back don't look good. We've got to be proactive on this. And it's not going to be easy." He steepled his fingers, looking over his hands to fix Kaidan with a serious stare. "I need your help, Alenko. I need you in there with Shepard, finding proof we can trust her."

I don't even know if I trust her… "Of course, sir."

"Hackett's got her slated for some covert op at the moment, but as soon as she returns, we'll arrange your transport to the Normandy."

The Normandy. The room became suddenly claustrophobic, stifling, as if he'd been wrapped in a wet blanket. Don't lose it, Alenko. Keep it together. "Yes sir." The response was automatic, robotic, ingrained into his brain – the only response he could manage at the moment. Something simple and routine, lacking emotion or any true thought. That was the key, he knew – not thinking. If he could just keep his mind shut off, keep it from running through the myriad of terrible conversations and situations that might occur should he and Shepard be forced aboard the same ship again –

"That's all for today, Commander. I know it's a lot to drop on you, but we've got to get this resolved asap. Remember your NDA. Your security clearance should be coming in shortly. You'll know when it gets here. And Commander… good luck."

Somehow Kaidan managed a stiff nod. "Thank you, sir." A strange feeling of déjà vu crept over him, reminding him unpleasantly of the last time he'd been in Anderson's office. He would never forget that morning, either. He turned and exited the councilor's office, striding down the gleaming halls of the Embassy without feeling his feet on the floor. His body seemed to have melted away, his tangled mind left alone and trapped in a narrow box.

He kept walking. Walking and walking, without seeing, without thinking. Walking as if he could somehow get away, if he just went far enough.

"We don't like this, you know."

Shepard finished rummaging through the duffel she'd tossed to the floor of the Kodiak and pulled her top half back out of the shuttle, glancing over her shoulder to give her pilot a look. He was framed on either side by Garrus, Jack, and Miranda, arms crossed, hazel eyes narrowed beneath the brim of his hat. She was struck for a moment at the irony that all four of them should come together on this, given the rocky past relationships of Lawson and Joker, Jack and Garrus, Jack and Lawson.

"I didn't risk the ship and clean all those toilets just so you could turn around and go skulking off on some hare-brained, idiotic, impossible solo mission in the heart of batarian space," Joker growled.

Shepard sighed quietly. "I know. And you did such an excellent job on those toilets I'll be recommending you for a commendation."

Joker scowled and Jack snickered.

"We could arrange for a secondary team," Garrus suggested carefully, far more diplomatic in his opinion than Joker. "Follow only at extreme range, move in only if necessary."

Shepard shook her head. "We can't risk the exposure. If they find me and then a team moves in… our cover is blown just as surely as if we'd led in a full Alliance company."

"If they find you, you'll be no better off than Dr. Kenson," Miranda remarked dryly. "And then what?"

"You don't owe the Alliance anything, Shepard," Joker put in hotly. "You already died for them once."

She looked at them in silence for a moment, touched by their concern despite the frustration that welled within her at their inability to see the bigger picture. She was too tired to argue… still not one-hundred percent. Still not fully healed. But she was a soldier, an N7, a Spectre. She got things done. She didn't sit in a damaged ship and watch repairs if there was a scientist who might have intel on the Reaper invasion to save.

"You're right," she said softly, her voice nearly swallowed by the cavernous space of the shuttle bay. To her right, the hole in the hull still gaped, a window to the arm of the dock which embraced them and the starry blackness of space beyond. "But if I find Dr. Kenson, I might find hard proof of a Reaper invasion. Enough to convince the Council to get their heads out of the sand. This one mission could help save us all. So I'm going."

She turned to check her supplies one last time, but Garrus stepped forward.

"Shepard," he started, then hesitated. "At least… at least take someone else. One person. Someone to watch your back. Two people would be no worse than one if discovered."

"Yeah," Jack agreed, blue crackling around her clenched fists. "Take me. I'm worth five times these other clowns in a fight."

"And five times more likely to get her killed with your showy biotics," Miranda drawled.

Jack whirled to face the other woman, the blue spreading like fire to engulf her whole body. "Shut it, Cheerleader," she snapped.

"Enough," Shepard barked, the single word echoing against the walls. The four of them looked back to her, Joker from his new position far removed from Jack, near a stack of supply crates pushed against the left wall. She stared them all down one at a time, feeling abruptly entirely too exhausted to take on a batarian prison break-out.

She tried to push such thoughts away, down beneath Duty and Responsibility and the Iron Will that had carried her this far. Her gaze rested on Garrus longer than the others. His deep blue eyes held hers, standing firm beneath her scrutiny. For a terrible long moment she was tempted to accept his offer. She could trust him. He was a tactical genius, an expert sniper, a loyal soldier. Level-headed and rational, he was exactly the kind of assistance she could use on a mission like this.

Her mouth opened, then closed. But finally, she shook her head. "Hackett asked that I go in alone. He wouldn't have asked such a thing if it weren't for good reason." She tore herself from Garrus' gaze, turning back to her supplies. "I'll keep it quiet. Everything will be fine. You all just make sure the Normandy is taken care of in my absence."

Joker snorted derisively, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes, muttering something about how she was always rushing off to die. Jack began pacing a small circle, complaining about never getting to see any action. Miranda and Garrus simply watched her silently.

They were all still waiting when she had finished organizing and once again emerged from the shuttle. "Garrus is in charge while I'm gone," she reminded them, despite the fact she'd already conducted a ship-wide brief of the situation. One could never be too careful, especially with Jack around. "I'll contact you once I have Dr. Kenson."

"Good luck, Shepard," Miranda said quietly.

"And be careful," Garrus added, his mandibles twitching. A talon reached forward, touching her lightly on the forearm, then withdrew. She was reminded of the touch on her hand in the medbay, when she had still been half-unconscious, and the barest of smiles pulled at her lips. The turian looked like he had more to say, but in the end he just stepped back, nodding. "Just… be careful."

"I'll try not to be too long," she said, forcing her voice to be casual and light. "See you on the other side." She tossed them a salute, which they somberly returned – except for Jack, who never saluted anyone. Shepard turned her back on them, an action that made her feel strangely ill, and climbed inside the shuttle, alone.

All of this felt wrong. She hit the button to close the Kodiak's door anyway.

Everyone left aboard the Normandy had put themselves at risk to follow her. They had given up jobs or careers in Cerberus to take a gamble with her. They had braved the Illusive Man's ire and possible retaliation, accepted the possibility of questioning and suspicion from the Alliance, all because they trusted her. They believed in her plan for them and the fight against the Reapers. They had faith in her ability to protect them from harm on both the Cerberus and Alliance side.

She was a Spectre, after all. But she was also just a human, and lately Shepard had felt far more human than she would have liked, spread too thin and stretched too far.

If not for those who had stayed, who had helped keep her sane and on her feet… Garrus, Joker, Chakwas… even Miranda and Jack and Thane and Grunt… she wasn't sure she would have decided to wake up after the Collector mission.

And now she was leaving them all behind. Going solo. No support, no backup. It felt like a betrayal to everything her crew had been through together. The doubts snaked through her gut and clamped down around her heart. It had been so long since she'd gone solo… so long since she hadn't had eyes on every side, a mix of talents to match any possible combat scenario… so long since she'd had nothing to rely on except herself…

You can do this. You have to do this.

Soldier. N7. Spectre.

You will do this. You can get proof. They won't be able to ignore you anymore. You can save everyone…

Kaidan's face flashed through her mind, making her heart clench, but she shoved such thoughts away resolutely. Now was not the time for that. She took a deep breath, powering up the Kodiak's engines, and keyed the comm. "Kodiak 1, requesting takeoff clearance."

EDI's voice came through immediately; likely Joker was still making his way back to the cockpit, scowling the whole way. "Normandy to Kodiak 1, you are clear for takeoff."

"Roger that. Heading out."

The shuttle lifted off the ground as the bay doors slowly parted. She had eased the small aircraft out from the belly of the Normandy and was plotting the course that would rendezvous her with the civilian vessel heading to Aratoht when her comm pinged.

She opened the channel only to hear Joker come through. "You know, if things go south and you need an evac – a real evac – you call me. I'll have this bird there in five minutes flat, guns blazing; I'll make a crater out of that damn prison, okay?"

Another smile twitched her mouth despite herself. "Joker… that would negate the whole point of me going in alone. We're supposed to keep this quiet, remember? Not start making new craters."

"I'm just saying… we've got your back, Shepard."

The smile blossomed this time. "Thanks, Joker." She reached forward to sign off, but then stopped. "Joker?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for staying. Really."

The pilot grunted dismissively. "Hey, you were gonna keep the ship, what else was I supposed to do? There's no Joker without the Normandy."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the love."

"Likewise, Commander. Now every time I stare into a toilet bowl, I think of you."

"Charming."

"Just come back to us in one piece, okay? I'd hate to have to come save your ass yet again."

"You got it, Joker."

"Good. Normandy out."

Shepard signed off and leaned back in her chair, sighing heavily. She turned to look out the shuttle's small viewport, her eyes locking on the ever-diminishing shape of the Normandy in the distance. She remembered the first time she had seen the SR-1, back when she had been Anderson's XO. And the first time she had seen the SR-2, after having been freshly resurrected. Two subtly different ships, two completely different lives - almost literally. But through it all, the Normandy and its crew had been her backbone.

And now, as she left them all behind, even with the yellow and black Cerberus paint still adorning the hull, she knew with certainty that that ship was home.

She had to make sure she made it back.

THE END.

Thank you so very much to everyone who has read and reviewed, and followed this story since the beginning. I really really appreciate your time and attention and enthusiasm, it really keeps me going even when real life tries to keep me away from writing! Thank you so very much also to my beta Sinvraal, who has helped me out more times than I could count with all of these ME fics. I will be posting a Mass Effect Big Bang fic in October, and have already started a ME3 fic to conclude Kaidan and Elizabeth's story, which will be posting shortly. (After I finally conclude my LOTR story "The Wall that Fell", that is! :P) Thank you again to everyone! ^_^