I really must warn you that, not only is this my first SasuNaruSasu, but it is also a crack fic that contains disturbing imagery and could cause damage to the psyche. Chances are that, if you come through this unchanged, you were probably already a highly disturbed individual.

Sasuke couldn't tell if the pounding was in his head or on his door. He couldn't remember the last time he had drunk that much, probably because he couldn't remember anything when drunk, and, when he had sobered up, he was in so much pain that his only thought was Ow...Where's that advil?

Again came the pounding. Sasuke groaned and tried to get up. Unfortunately, he had become entangled with the sheets sometime between his drunken arrival home and his painful return to reality, and fell painfully, his face planting onto the floor while his legs miraculously remained on his bed. He sighed into the wooden flooring, glad that nobody else had been around to see that disaster.

A snicker. A loud snicker, but a snicker nonetheless. Sasuke attempted to get to his feet, but only succeeded in twisting himself up even more.

"Instead of laughing, help me up, moron," Sasuke hissed to the idiot currently occupying his his bed. His words came out muffled because his cheek was still pressed firmly against the floor.

"You're the one of just landed on your face, bastard. And shouldn't you be a little nicer to me if you want me to help you?" Naruto's voice answered back. Sasuke's face went green. He hadn't!

Had he?

Sasuke lay in his peculiar position and ground his teeth in frustration. His head felt like there was a fat lady sitting on it, and has somebody pissed in his mouth in the night?

"Listen, idiot," he said impatiently, "I need to get up to get some advil. I assume you want some aswell?"

"I don't get hangovers,"

It was only then that Sasuke realised that somebody was pounding on his door with the fury of a jilted lover. Feeling only mildy embarrassed- he needed that advil!- he began to crawl, snake-like, across the floor, the sheet holding him in place. Sasuke imagined that he resembled a better looking Hanibal Lector, with the sheet binding him up and the psychotic look on his face. And the moron?

Oh, he was laughing.

"You realise that I will get out of here eventually, right?" Sasuke growled.

"I don't care! This is fucking funny!"

Sasuke knew the moron was holding his stomach as he laughed. He knew it.

Fortunately, Naruto soon stopped laughing as quickly as a recently-murdered clown. Unfortunately, it was because of the sudden crash that came from the front door of his apartment.

That's the second time in the past six months, Sasuke thought resentfully. Then he realised two terrifying things at once: firstly, he was in the most undignified position of his entire life (bar the incident of his 12th birthday, but he didn't like to think about that), and, secondly, he knew exactly who it was that had smashed his door down. Afterall, who else would dare?

"Shit!" he swore, "Help me up quickly, you fucking idiot! He'll slaughter you if he sees us like this!"

Wasting no time, the moron helped Sasuke up. Sasuke immediately stumbled, swearing.

"What the fuck?" he said disbelievingly, trying to ignore the sensation that was akin to somebody pouring chilli power onto an open wound, "I did not let a complete idiot like you fuck me up the ass!"

The moron was laughing again. Sasuke couldn't see it, as he hadn't turned around yet, but he could hear it.

"Sasuke?"

"Ohshitohshitohshit," Sasuke muttered, galvanising into action, scrambling around the room and snatching up clothing like there was a set time limit. Which there was, he realised with dread.

"Sasuke, are you in there?" a familiar voice said, tapping his bedroom door with a gentleness that the front door had not been on the receiving end of. For one bizarre, panicked moment, Sasuke wondered whether the front door was jealous.

"Don't come in, I'm not decent!" he yelped back. There was an ominous silence.

"I'll bet you're not," was the eventual reply, "Come into the kitchen as soon as you're clothed. And bring him with you,"

It was frightening, how he seemed to know exactly what was going on, without using cameras (Sasuke knew he didn't, because he'd checked).

Naruto was sniggering away for a while. Sasuke turned to him to beat the crap out of him, and got his first (sober) look at him. He was about the same height and build as Sasuke. And the tan? Oh, it was everywhere.

Sasuke decided that he would do, even if the moron was sorely lacking in the brains department. Besides, he had to pay the idiot back for the unlawful force he had applied to Sasuke's ass.

Naruto stared at him.

"You're kind of pasty, bastard. Are you sure you're not going to be sick?"

"I'm always this colour!" Sasuke snarled, incensed. The guy was a bigger moron than Sasuke had previously thought.

"Oh," the idiot said slowly, "Shouldn't you be getting dressed? I don't think you're lover's happy with you,"

Sasuke stared at him, wondering if this guy had just transcended the boundaries of normal stupidity. Surely, surely he wasn't that much of an imbecile. Sasuke smirked.

"What are you smirking about, bastard?"

"My name's Sasuke, idiot. Use it," Sasuke replied.

"Bastard suits you more," Naruto said loudly, with a grin, "And I'm Naruto. Na-ru-to. Don't you forget it!"

"The only thing I'm unlikely to forget is how much of an idiot you are," Sasuke snorted.

"Yeah, well, the only thing I won't forget is the way I fucked you like the bitch you are," Naruto spat. Sasuke would have marvelled at his sensitivity if he wasn't so busy drowning in humiliation and rage.

It was only when the door flew open and they were pulled apart by the ears like misbehaving children that Sasuke realised he had, whilst naked, lept on top of Naruto and attempted to beat the shit out of him. By the tenderness in his cheek and ribs, Naruto had given as good as he had gotten.

They were dragged to the kitchen, cursing and pleading (pleading more than cursing; Sasuke was angry, but he didn't want to make the punishment even worse, and Naruto seemed to realise that whoever was dragging him was somebody who wouldn't think twice about eviscerating him), and then thrown onto kitchen chairs. Both cowered, and then Sasuke opened his eyes a crack. Naruto, sensing that the danger had passed (for now) opened his eyes. His jaw then proceeded to drop to his knees.

"What the fuck?" he yelped, before Sasuke could stop him, "How could a skinny bastard like you drag me around like-!"

The spatula skimmed past his ear and buried itself into the kitchen wall behind him. He swallowed. Audibly.

"S-Sorry, sir," he stuttered, sitting back into the chair with his hands clasped in his lap like he wasn't an adult and wasn't completely naked and covered in various...fluids. Such was the power of Uchiha Itachi. Even when he was wearing an apron and a blue alice band to keep his long bangs away from the food he was preparing, a complete moron could recognise that you did not fuck with this man. Of course, Sasuke thought that it probably helped that the apron Itachi had put on had "Domestic Terrorist" written on it in lime green. He smirked to himself.

"Wipe that smirk off your face, or I'll put cat urine on your pancakes," Itachi threatened, to Sasuke's dismay. He had hoped he had gotten skilled enough to execute such sneaky moves by now, but it seemed he still needed years of practice.

"He's psychic!" Naruto whimpered in awe and fear, like a prehistoric human trying to explain why the sun rose and the rivers flowed. His status as Head Idiot of the World was looking more and more apparent.

"Yes, and I predict your unfortunate end in the immediate future," Itachi said, cutting a tomato with such force that he was leaving scrapes in the worksurface. The marble worksurface. Sasuke was officially scared.

The plates were slammed down on the table in short order, piled high with food. He also banged down a glass of water with some advil. Sasuke winced at the noise. With a furtive look towards Itachi, Naruto scampered over to his meal with his hands clamped over his crotch. That didn't stop Sasuke getting a lovely view of his ass. Sasuke followed at a slightly less hurried pace, covering his ass and crotch with a strategically-placed dish towel. Naruto sniggered at the display, but promptly assumed an expression appropriate for a funeral as Itachi sent him a single narrow look.

"Don't cover yourself up on my account," Itachi said to Sasuke in a falsely-sweet voice (which was in some ways scarier than when he was pissed), "I used to change your diapers when you were a baby, so I've seen it all,"

"So...you're not dating?" Naruto interjected a tad too hopefully, Sasuke's face, which had burned brightly as Itachi touched on a topic that nobody was supposed to speak about, promptly turned green as he digested Naruto's words. What the-?

Itachi seemed to be thinking along the same lines as Sasuke.

"That was an unfortunate image," he said coldly.

"Naruto, you sick bastard!" Sasuke said, having gotten over the nausea the idea caused, "We're brothers!"

"I don't know, you both seem kinda kinky," Naruto said slowly, scratching his chin.

"Do you think your body would be even remotely recognisable if we were dating?" Itachi asked coolly, "Assuming that even I am so unstable that I would date my brother,"

Naruto tittered awkwardly. For about five minutes after that, there was a silence that couldn't have been more awkward if there was a priest and a prostitute in the room.

"You cracked the plate," Sasuke said flatly into the tense atmosphere.

"You're lucky it isn't your ass," was Itachi's lovable response.

"It was his ass, though," Naruto muttered quietly, grinning to himself. Twin explosions of pain caused lights to dance behind his eyes as Sasuke and Itachi chose that moment to hit him with spoons.

"Owowowowowow!" he moaned, clutching his head.

"Be quiet," Itachi said carelessly, "You've slept with my brother, so you're lucky you're still breathing,"

At that, Naruto dissolved into whimpers.

"I think my eyeballs are bleeding," he whined pitifully.

"That is unlikely, but if you would like to experience that, I would be happy to oblige," Itachi said. Sasuke wondered whether he ever got tired of threatening people who had any kind of contact with Sasuke that Itachi didn't like. If Sasuke was brave enough to ask him, the answer would probably be a glare that would sear the flesh from your face, and a brusque "Never."

"No, thank you," Naruto said fearfully, "I'll pass,"

"A pity," Itachi sighed regretfully as he collected the (cracked) plates and put them in the trash.

"He's a demon!" Naruto whispered to Sasuke as Itachi left the room.

"Only if you've slept with me," Sasuke said.

"I have!" Naruto hissed.

"Oh yeah," Sasuke smirked, "That will teach you to keep your dirty hands off my ass,"

"You asked me to fuck you!" Naruto said in annoyance, "Don't you remember?"

"I was drunk," Sasuke said shortly, "People do stupid things when they're drunk,"

"If you don't know what you're doing when you're drunk, then why get wasted?" Naruto asked, "It seems kind of stupid to me,"

Sasuke wanted to deny it, but he knew it was true.

"You're the last one to be calling somebody stupid," Sasuke snorted. Naruto inflated quicker than a socialite's lips after botox injections.

"I'm not the one who got wasted, stumbled over to my rival, told him he has pretty eyes and asked him to fuck me!" Naruto said in a rush, his voice climbing with each word.

"If this is what happens, I'm never drinking again," Sasuke muttered darkly. He watched as Naruto began to drum his fingers on the table, his irritation mounting. He was about to grab a fork and shove it up the moron's ass (to see how he coped with the pain of having his ass violated) when Naruto stopped abruptly.

"Where did your brother go?" Naruto asked, glancing around skittishly.

"To pick out an appropriate murder weapon," came a menacing voice from the shadows. Naruto let out a girlish shriek and leapt into Sasuke's arms a la distressed maiden.

"I'm sorry!" Naruto sobbed theatrically, causing even Itachi to stare blankly at him. Sasuke slapped his own forehead.

"Moron," Sasuke said. He may have decided that the idiot was his (afterall, nobody had ever had his ass before, and he surmised that whoever could manage that would have to be good), but there was still the issue of the guy's idiocy.

"Look, I know you don't like the fact that I fucked your brother, but would you believe me if I said I'll never go near him again?" Naruto said pleadingly, "I'll leave now if you want!"

Sasuke immediately dropped the moron and kicked him in the ribs for good measure.

"You fucking idiot!" Sasuke yelled. Itachi watched Naruto with a burning gaze. Naruto gulped.

"Now what did I do?" he asked as Itachi began to test the weight of a rolling pin with a truly menacing air.

"Leave my brother and even dental records won't help the authorities to identify the body," Itachi threatened.

"I still have to pay you back for fucking me in the ass!" Sasuke added moodily.

"You're a pair of psychopaths!" Naruto mumbled disbelievingly. It was clear that he hadn't expected his Saturday morning to turn out like this, "First it's fuck off, leave my brother alone and then it's leave my brother and I will fuck you up!"

"So," Itachi said sternly, "What's your choice?"

"You didn't give me one," Naruto protested dully.

"That was the point," Itachi said brightly, "Negotiation normally comes at knife point,"

"You didn't use a knife," Sasuke said.

"I could," Itachi said, "I haven't finished with you yet,"

Sasuke couldn't tell whether he was joking or not.

"Alright, alright!" Naruto said, hiding behind Sasuke, "I'll date the bastard! Is that what you want?"

"Marriage would be preferable, but I suppose that will suffice...for now," Itachi responded sweetly. Naruto shuddered. He was clearly wondering what he had signed up for.

"Don't you have a...semi-human sex toy to get back to?" Sasuke said rudely, wrapping an arm around Naruto, who squeaked fearfully.

"Kisame is as human as you or I," Itachi said, "The only thing inhuman about him is his uncommonly large-,"

"Oh Ramen!" Naruto wailed, slamming his hands down over his ears. Even Sasuke's face went slightly green.

"I didn't even know you two were fucking!" he said, grimacing as though he had just swallowed a whole carton of lemon juice, "I was just trying to piss you off when I said that!"

"We're dating, not fucking," Itachi scowled, "Don't trivialise our relationship,"

"Aniki is in love," Sasuke told Naruto.

"What happened to you being mortally afraid of me?" Itachi asked testily.

"I realised that you won't kill me," Sasuke pointed out.

"I might maim you though," Itachi stated. Sasuke felt dejected. He had been so looking forward to pounding that moron through the kitchen table for his insurrection the previous night. Sure, they would have nothing to eat off, but Sasuke could always eat a nice salad off Naruto's naked body.

Sometimes he scared even himself.

Luckily, it seemed that Sasuke wasn't the only one that wanted the cockblock that was Itachi gone for the moment. Sasuke cared for his brother, but Itachi certainly didn't do anything for his sex life. Not that he had much of one outside of his ongoing affair with Mrs Palm and her five daughters.

"Kisame's probably getting cold in that empty bed," Naruto said persuasively, wiping a fake tear.

"He'll survive," Itachi said, unmoved.

"What if he thinks you've left him?" Naruto wheedled.

"He wouldn't," Itachi said with a small, happy smile that was slightly disturbing (What was he thinking about to make him react like that?), "He knows how much I love-,"

"Don't even say it!" Naruto shrieked suddenly.

"-him," Itachi finished with a piercing glare, "You miniature pervert,"

"I'm not small!" Naruto protested hotly.

"No, but your brain is," Itachi responded. Naruto's mouth worked furiously for a few seconds as he tried to come up with a response.

"Come on bastard," he said to Sasuke when he came up short (pardon the pun), "Let's go upstairs,"

"Don't break the bed," Itachi called, "And don't get whipped cream everywhere,"

"Why don't you go home before the chocolate sauce goes cold?" Sasuke said as he dragged Naruto towards his bedroom again.

"Only unrefined people use chocolate sauce, Sasuke," Itachi replied, "I prefer to eat dango off-,"

"Lalalala!" Naruto bellowed, jamming his fingers in his ears as Sasuke pulled him through the bedroom door, "I'm not listening!"

In the kitchen, Itachi dried the last dish in time to hear a shriek, the sound of something heavy crashing to the floor, and a lot of noise.

"You broke the bed, didn't you?" Itachi called.

"Y-Yeah," was Sasuke's unsteadily shouted reply.

Itachi shook his head and stood up to leave. He stepped over the splintered remains of the front door, not worried about thieves; people in the locality knew who lived there, and wouldn't even risk Sasuke's wrath.

The sound of loud, rhythmic bangs made Itachi shake his head. So the bed wasn't completely ruined. It was kind of disappointing. Sasuke seemed to have a long way to go before he could match his older brother.

After all, the first time Itachi and Kisame had sex, they broke the bed and the wall behind it and crashed through into next door's living room. Iruka hadn't been happy, especially when they had continued their activities on the coffee table. But Kakashi? Well, Itachi was sure the man still had that video tape somewhere...