Mediocre Passions

Author's Notes :
- Disclaimer : I don't own Stargate Atlantis/SG1 or any of its characters or plots. I mean no infringement, this is for personal benefit only.
- This is SLASH. That's guy/guy action. Sheppard/Parrish
- No rules against homosexuality in the military.
- I wanted to read more of this pairing and since, apparently, there's only three stories about Sheppard/Parrish in the whole wide SGA fandom… if I couldn't read more, I must write more.
- I was inspired by busaikko 's The Lost Language of Flowers.
- First quote used is by Francois de La Rochefoucauld. Second is unknown.
- I think it's pretty clear that I don't know much about plants. I tried and Wikipedia tried to help, but there's only so much a website can do…

John wasn't really sure why he was walking down to the botany labs. It probably had something to do with Lorne and his stories about the crazy botanist on his team. Well, Lorne didn't actually say Parrish was crazy, that was something John took away from their conversations. And by conversations John definitely meant Lorne's retellings of the crazy shit that happened to his team.

So John had decided that he had to meet David Parrish if for no other reason than to have a real face in mind when listening to Lorne recount their activities. He'd seen Parrish, of course, it was a small base and John had seen everyone, but the only people he really met outside of his men were the scientists that worked with McKay and the medical staff.

McKay. That was another reason John wanted to meet David Parrish. Rodney hated the man. Well, Rodney hated the whole botany department and John was fairly sure that Rodney had never even met Parrish. So it was an unjustified hate, in John's opinion.

John had never been to the botany labs. He wasn't sure how that had happened as he had meant to visit multiple times before but something always came up and by the time it was over John was pretty much only ready to fall into his bed and never get up again.

He wondered, briefly, if it was weird that he was going to the labs now, not to see the actual labs themselves, but to see David Parrish, crazy botanist extraordinaire.

John had been on Atlantis for about four years and was embarrassed that he'd actually had to look up the location of the labs. In his defense, they moved after the first year when one of the exploration teams had found a much better location for them. Not that John knew where the first labs had been… so he looked them up on the shabbily put together map that Rodney had finally made because he was tired of everyone asking him where everything was. And by everyone he had really meant John.

John stepped out of the transporter and was met with a paper (and who still had that on Atlantis?) sign that said 'Bio labs this way' with an arrow pointing to the right, so John, always one to pick up on subtle signs and clues, followed the arrow.

There were a lot more labs then John had thought and he wondered how many botanists Atlantis was home to. He'd only ever heard about David Parrish and Katie Brown but John was sure there had to be more than two… right?

He poked his head into the first lab, it was dark and cold and John let the doors close almost as soon as they opened. He stuck his head into the second lab and this one, in stark contrast with the last one, was hot, humid and John was already sweating so he left that alone. The third one had a much more normal temperature but no botanist. So John kept going. He found eight labs and no people.

"Can I help you?"

John definitely didn't jump when he turned around to find a guy about his age looking at John with curiosity.

"Um…" John glanced down the hallway and wondered how likely it would be that David Parrish was standing in front of him. "Dr. Parrish?"

The man smiled. "Guilty as charged," he answered. "Can I help you find something, Colonel Sheppard?"

The weird thing about being John was that everyone knew who he was even when he didn't know who they were. It's what happened when you were so high on the Atlantis food chain. But it kind of creeped John out and he once again resolved to try and get to know everyone in the city. It was hard when the personnel kept rotating in and out but there were plenty of people who never left, Parrish included, so John figured he could at least memorize those ones.

"I was just… taking a look around," John replied with an easy smile.

"Well, in that case… can I interest you in a tour?" Parrish offered.

His voice was light and easy, his face expressive and there was something about him that made John want to… well he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but there was just something about David Parrish.

"I'd love a tour," John answered.

"Cool."

The tour it turned out was pretty much what John had done on his own but with much more detail. Suddenly there were plants with names and bushes and flowers and small things that John wasn't really sure were plants but Parrish had seem very enthusiastic about them.

The man was nothing like John had expected. From Lorne's stories, John had thought that Parrish was a bit absentminded, distracted all the time, and slow.

David Parrish was none of that.

He was excited, eagerly telling John all about his plants and the planets they'd been found on. He was focused, focused on John and his explanations and his plants. He was fast, Parrish talked faster then McKay after three cups of coffee and John was trying hard to keep up.

And John was enraptured. He was fascinated that someone could talk that fast and still breathe and think. He was fascinated that Parrish could keep all that information about plants in his brain. He was fascinated that Parrish was so excited about things that John really couldn't care less about. Although after meeting Parrish, plants had become John's new favorite things.

Somewhere around the fifth lab, Parrish had shoved a small potted plant with blue leaves, which John thought were really cool, into John's hands with strict instructions to only water once a day with the small cup that Parrish slipped into John's jacket pocket. He told John that the plant seemed to thrive in Atlantis' artificial environment and that it would easily liven up John's room.

John had never had a plant before, not even a fake one, and it seemed like a lot of responsibility. John was off-world a lot, sometimes overnight and could barely remember his shoes in the morning, much less to feed a plant. Parrish must have seen the apprehension in John's face because he gave John a quick pat on the shoulder and a smile and said, "It's okay, Colonel. You can do it, I have faith in you." And then he moved on to the next plant.

So now John had a plant with cool blue leaves that he was calling 'Spock' because the blue matched the color of the Vulcan's uniform on the Enterprise (and no, John wasn't a nerd he was just a geek).

And he also had a lunch date for tomorrow except that he wasn't sure it was a date and Parrish had talked so fast that John wasn't really sure it was lunch. But he doubted the other man had said 'brunch' and there had definitely been an 'unch' in there somewhere so John did what he always did when he didn't understand Rodney--he smiled and nodded and said, "Sounds good."

There was really something about David Parrish.

It turns out Parrish had meant lunch and when John swung by the man's office (where he had been while John was on his wild hunt for him, it was in a separate hallway from the labs) Parrish had immediately started babbling on about a new plant that someone had just brought back for him. He was so excited about it and the smile on his face was so wide that John wanted to bring the man a plant so Parrish might babble on excitedly about him for a minute.

When they sat down to lunch, John just sort of sat there and watched as Parrish kept talking.

"Colonel Sheppard?" Parrish asked, interrupting himself.

"John."

Parrish's cheeks reddened a little but he nodded his head. "John, are you--is everything alright?"

John frowned, "Yeah."

"Um, you aren't eating."

John looked down at his full plate of food and then up at Parrish's mostly empty plate and wondered when the other man had had time to eat and talk at the same time. John offered Parrish a crooked smile and picked up his fork.

"Please, continue," John said.

Parrish smiled, nodded and went on. He was talking about a planet that SGA-9 had gone to that was made of ice but that had tiny green plants everywhere. According to Parrish there was nothing like that back on Earth.

When lunch was over, John escorted Parrish back to his labs and Parrish stopped to show John the frozen plant and when John reached out to touch it his fingers gently brushed against the other man's and John's brain hitched. He would have thought a frozen plant would feel cold, but all John could feel was warm.

John had looked up and met Parrish's startlingly blue eyes. The botanist had stopped talking and was staring back at John. John swallowed and blinked before turning his attention back to the plant.

"So it lives in ice?"

Parrish cleared his throat, "Yeah. Seems to thrive in it really. The thing that's so weird is that…"

And John smiled as Parrish kept talking.

David Parrish had no idea what the hell Colonel Sheppard was doing to him. John had appeared out of nowhere one day looking for him and David still wasn't sure what John had wanted. But he'd gotten a tour of the labs and lunch with David.

Every time David thought about it he couldn't help but groan. He'd been so nervous when he saw that Colonel Sheppard--the Colonel Sheppard--was in the hallway that he did what he always did when he was nervous--he babbled about plants. And he didn't stop.

Colonel Sheppard must think he was some kind of babbling dork with an affinity for plants. It was mostly true but David never really talked that much, his teammates could easily attest to that. David hated that he'd given the Colonel such a poor impression of him, but he hadn't seen John since their lunch together and that had been four days ago.

David wasn't foolish enough to think they were friends--he hardly knew the man, but he had thought there was something… a spark, a look… something there. He and John ran in different circles, David knew that, so he couldn't really approach John in public and going to the other man's quarter might send the wrong message or just be really weird since they barely knew each other. So David came up with another idea.

He reached a hand up and waved it over the door sensor. The door swished open and Evan raised an eyebrow at him while moving to the side so David could step into his room. The door closed behind him and David tried not to fidget.

"What's up, David?" Evan asked casually. He walked back over to his desk and sat down in front of his computer again.

"You're friends with Colonel Sheppard right?" David asked, taking a seat on Evan's bed.

"We don't braids each other's hair, if that's what you mean," Evan replied with a grin. "But I see him pretty much every day. Why?"

"Can you just tell him that I usually don't talk so much and am actually quite normal if you have a chance to get to know me?"

Evan laughed. "What did you do to him, David?"

"Nothing! We just--he came down to the labs and I wasn't really expecting it and I wasn't sure what to say so I sorta started… to go on about the plants and we had lunch the next day and all I talked about was that ice plant… and now I'm sure he thinks I'm some sort of babbling idiot. Can you just tell him that I'm not?"

"Well now, that would be lying," Evan said with a laugh.

"Evan!"

"I don't see why you can't just tell him yourself," His team leader pointed out.

David inadvertently blushed and quickly looked away.

"Holy shit!" Evan exclaimed, eyes wide. "Tell me you did not make a move on Colonel Sheppard."

David huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Of course I didn't make a move on him."

"Then why won't you tell him yourself?" Evan challenged.

"Well, it would be weird to correct his assumption on my own personality," David said.

Evan studied him and David was starting to think he shouldn't have said anything at all.

"I feel like this is on par with braiding each other's hair. Like passing a note to him from you… 'Do you like me? Check yes or no'."

"Evan," David whined softly. "This is really not like that."

"Hmm."

"It's not!"

Evan eyed him. "Fine, but only if you carry a gun on the next five missions."

"Two."

"Four."

"Three."

"Four."

"One?"

"Four."

David sighed, "Fine."

Evan grinned, "Excellent."

"Parrish wants me to let you know that he's not a babbling idiot."

John blinked. Whatever he had been expecting Lorne to say it hadn't been that. His second-in-command had entered his office, took the seat across from John's and then opened his mouth to say something before shutting it. Four times. And then when he finally said something it was about David Parrish. The one man John had been trying to forget about.

"Okay," John answered.

"He really doesn't babble that much, sir. Just when he's nervous."

"I make him nervous?"

"Uh… maybe?"

"And he asked you to tell me all of this?"

"There may have been an exchange of services," Lorne said with a grin.

"Oh really?" John drawled. He wasn't really sure he wanted to know what that exchange was.

"Yeah. He has to wear a gun on the next four missions."

John laughed. According to Lorne, Parrish was notorious for 'forgetting' his sidearm on Atlantis. He was trained on the 9mm and, from what Lorne said, was actually a good shot, but Parrish hated carrying the gun and hated firing it even more.

"Well, message duly noted," John grinned.

"Yes, sir."

"So, I hear you don't normally talk so much."

David blinked and looked up at the figure leaning sideways against his doorway. John offered David a grin and a raised eyebrow.

David flushed lightly, "So Evan told you?"

"Yep. You know… you could have just told me yourself and saved having to carry a gun for something more important," John told him.

"He told you about that too," David asked with a wince.

John smiled and winked. "There's no secrets on this base, Dr. Parrish."

"It's David."

"David," John acceded. "So why was it so important that I know that?"

David shrugged, "I didn't want you to think that I always blather on about plants."

"Well, maybe I like hearing you talk about plants," John replied. "Ever think of that?"

"You like hearing me talk about plants? My own mother doesn't like hearing me talk about plants."

"Her loss," John said with a shrug.

"Colonel She--"

"John."

"John… why are you here?" David asked softly, looking at the other man more closely. Sheppard's posture was relaxed and there was a lingering smile on his face and his eyes spoke of amusement and happiness.

John shrugged, "I like hearing you talk about plants."

"And that's it?"

"Does it have to be more?"

David frowned, "I guess not."

John smiled again and it stretched across his whole face making him look younger than David had guessed he actually was.

"Come have some dinner with me," John beckoned.

David blinked, "Okay."

John pretty much disagreed with the statement that David didn't babble much. They were eating dinner and the other man had started again on another plant. John thought this one was cool because apparently it ate metal. John wasn't sure where the nutritional value was in metal, but according to David, the plant thrived on it.

"John?"

John quickly looked away from David's face and those sparkling blue eyes.

"Yeah?"

"How's your plant doing?"

"Spock lives," John said with a grin.

"Spock?" There was a smile playing on David's lips.

"That's what I named him, since he's the same color as Spock's--"

"--uniform," David finished. "Very cool. So the plant's still alive?"

"Yup."

The smile blossomed. "I told you you could do it."

"Yeah," John agreed softly. "You did."

And so it went. John would stop by every Friday and eat dinner with David. David wasn't sure why the other man had started doing it, but it was the highlight of David's week and he definitely looked forward to it. They'd been having dinner dates for a couple months and David would fill John in on new plant arrivals and anything interesting that happened in one of the bio labs. John didn't really talk about his work, or really talk at all, but David didn't let that bother him. Some guys were the quiet type and John pretty much fit into that group.

"So have you made your move yet?"

David looked over at Evan. They were walking through a grassy field with some nice sun and a cool breeze. It was almost like a perfect Spring day back on Earth and for a second David let himself imagine that it was home.

"Made a move on what?"

"On who," Evan corrected. "And on Colonel Sheppard."

David felt his face redden, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"No idea, huh?" Evan grinned. "You eat with him every week, the man brings you plants…"

"He doesn't bring me plants," David argued.

"I'm pretty sure I saw him come through the gate with some vines and they definitely weren't for me."

"They got stuck on Dr. McKay's leg and John brought them back in case Dr. McKay had a reaction."

"And then gave them to you."

"Keller gave them to me."

"And since when do you call him 'John'?" Evan questioned.

David shrugged, "Since he asked me to."

The truth was, David had no idea what he and John were doing. He wasn't even sure if they were friends much less anything else. And it would be completely girly to ask John so that just left David wondering and Evan asking and nothing ever happening.

"Hey."

David looked up. "John, hi." He frowned, "Is it Friday already?"

John grinned, "Nope still Tuesday."

David racked his brain for any plans he had made with John for Tuesday. He came up empty.

"Did we have plans?"

"Nope."

"Did you need something?" David asked.

"Are you busy now?"

David looked at the stack of paper on his desk, the three plants behind him that he had to categorize and the seventeen reports open on his computer.

"Nope," he answered.

John grinned, "Cool. Come with me."

David raised an eyebrow and then followed John out the door. John led him on probably the most circuitous route to the jumper bay from the botany labs that existed. If John was doing it for privacy, it worked as they didn't run into a single person during their trek. David followed an excited John to a puddle jumper and John lowered the back hatch.

"I brought you something," John said with a smile.

"Yeah?"

David stepped into the jumper and John followed him. The botanist's mouth hung open in shock. John had definitely brought him something. It was a small potted tree that looked almost like a redwood tree, if redwood trees were small and midget-like. It was the closest to something from Earth that David had seen yet in the Pegasus Galaxy and he really, really wanted to study it, like five minutes ago.

"Wow, John this is really cool."

"I know."

"I mean… really cool."

"So you like it?"

David turned and grinned at John. "I love it."

And there went David's reasoning that nothing could be going on because, fuck, John had just brought him a fucking redwood tree in the back of a puddle jumper from a planet in a foreign galaxy and that had to mean something. It meant something to David.

David met John's eyes, "I love it John, thank you."

John ducked his head, "Sure."

David had just sat down in the mess hall to have a quick lunch when he heard two female scientists behind him say John's name. It caught his attention and David couldn't help but listen to them.

"I heard he's dating some new Marine," one of them say.

"No way. Sandy said it was a scientist."

"A scientist, really?"

"Oh yeah, but no one knows who it is," the second one commented.

"She's sure?"

"Well, Sandy tried to make a move on him and he politely turned her down."

"He turned her down?" The first one gasped.

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"I bet it's Dr. Silver from anthropology. She looks like his type."

"What, blonde, tall and leggy?" The other one asked with a laugh.

"Can't blame the Colonel for being a man."

"No, we definitely can't." She sighed, "So what did you think of that new Marine?"

"The one with the…"

Giggle. "Yeah."

"Oh, he's…"

David tuned them out and looked back at his food. Suddenly he wasn't so hungry anymore.

John looked up from his potatoes to glance at David. The other man had hardly said a word all night and honestly it worried John a little bit.

"David?"

"Hmm?"

"Is everything alright?" John asked softly.

David clearly hesitated before saying, "We're friends, aren't we, John?"

John nodded slowly, "I thought we were."

"And friends tell each other things… exciting events that happen in their lives… new developments… those kind of things."

John eyed him warily. "Yeah, I suppose so."

David sighed and set down his fork, meeting John's eye. "I heard some scientists talking about you."

John froze, "And what did they say?"

"That you were dating someone--you had a girlfriend." David looked sad at the words. "How come you didn't tell me?"

"I don't have a girlfriend," John said with a frown. "And I'm not dating anyone."

"You're not?"

John shook his head, "Not that I'm aware of."

"Oh." David paused. "What about Dr. McKay?"

"I think he's still dating Katie Brown," John offered.

"I mean, you're not dating him?"

John would have laughed if David didn't look so depressed.

"I'm definitely not dating Rodney," John confirmed.

"Or Teyla?"

"Or Teyla."

"Or Ronon?"

"Or Ronon."

John frowned and reached across the table to lightly touch the back of David's hand. David turned his hand over and caught John's hand in his.

"John?"

"Yeah?"

"I…"

John swallowed, "You what, David?"

"I…" David whispered and then looked away. He pulled his hand away from John's. "I've got to go. I'm sorry, I just remembered something I was supposed to do."

And with that he was gone and John was left alone in the mess hall wondering what the hell just happened.

Nothing changed after that. David was both happy and sad about that. He'd been so close to telling John that he liked him. David froze.

He liked John.

He liked John.

He liked John.

He groaned and buried his head in his arms on top of his desk. David had fallen for the absolute worst person in Atlantis to fall for. John's life was constantly in danger, John was head of the military on Atlantis and therefore always busy, John went off-world at least once a week, and---and this was the worst one---everyone knew that John Sheppard was as straight as they came. David groaned again.

"Hey."

David looked up to see Ronon Dex, a real life alien, standing in front of his desk.

"I… uh, yes, how can I help you?" David asked, standing up.

Ronon thrust a giant plant at him. "Sheppard said to give this to you."

"Thanks."

Ronon grunted and left. David looked down at the plant. It had bright orange and red leaves and smelled really good. He set the plant down and raced to his door.

"Wait!"

Ronon turned to face him.

"Is John okay?"

The large man snorted, "He's with Keller."

"Is he injured?"

"No. That plant," Ronon pointed towards David's office. "Made him sneeze a lot."

"Oh. He's allergic?"

"Yeah. He fell into a bunch of them and we brought one back just in case."

"He fell? Is he okay?"

Ronon eyed him. "Yeah."

"Oh. Thanks," David said.

Ronon turned and walked away and this time David let him. He went back to his plant and stared at it for a second and tried to imagine John falling on top of such a colorful thing, but he couldn't.

David tried to go back to work but somehow, thirty minutes after Ronon had dropped off the plant, David found himself hovering outside of the infirmary. He poked his head in and could see John laying in a bed dressed in scrubs. David hesitantly walked over to John.

John was asleep. Or at least he looked like he was asleep. He looked years younger than he normally did and his gravity defying hair was sticking up every which way. David fought the urge to try and smooth it down.

"Did Ronon give you the plant?" John's eyes opened and met his.

David jumped a little. "Don't do that," he admonished.

"Sorry."

"You should be. And, yeah, Ronon gave it to me. He said you…fell… in it…?"

"He would," John said tiredly. "Rodney pushed me."

"Dr. McKay pushed you," David repeated.

"He said the tree next to him moved and he tried to get away from it really fast and I ended up face first on the ground."

"The tree moved?" David asked.

John laughed, "I knew you would like that part."

"So did it really move?"

John shrugged, "I didn't see it move and knowing Rodney it was probably just paranoia."

"Oh."

"Sorry."

"Someday," David said wistfully. "So are you… okay?"

John shrugged. "Keller's keeping me overnight."

"That sucks," David offered, sympathetically.

"Yeah."

"I can…" David gestured to the chair next to him. "I can sit with you for a while if you want."

John smiled and said, "I'd like that."

David took a seat in the chair. "Want to tell me about the rest of the mission?"

John yawned and closed his eyes. "How about you tell me about another plant instead?"

"Okay. SGA-5 found this really amazing one on M45-3X9. Its bright green on the outside but it oozes this black sticky stuff that works better than any super glue I've ever used. We first found that out when…"

"John."

John looked up from his desk to see a flushed and excited David Parrish hovering in his doorway. John was pretty sure it was still breakfast time and still Thursday… or maybe Wednesday… he wasn't really sure. But he didn't think it was Friday…

"Hey. Is it Friday already?"

David shook his head and grinned, "Still Wednesday… but you have to come see this."

He gestured for John to go with him an John felt himself stand up and follow the other man out the door. They hurried down the hallways towards a transporter that would take them to David's lab. David was practically bouncing as they waited for the doors to re-open. When they did, the botanist burst out of the lift and started jogging down the hall. John followed him at a similar pace until they came to Lab 7. John knew that Lab 7 was a transitional lab, where plants that hadn't been studied or categorized went until they could be placed. David beckoned him in and John followed.

"Watch," David said excitedly.

John looked at the giant bush in front of David and for a second it did nothing and then---whoa, holy shit that was cool. The bush started moving and in less than a minute it looked just like David.

"Now you try," David said, tugging on John's sleeve until he stood in front of the bush.

The bush slowly morphed again into John's slightly taller frame. It looked similar to Bush David but it was uniquely John.

"That's really fucking cool, David," John said, in awe.

"I know, right? SGA-4 brought it back and it's possibly the coolest thing I've ever seen."

"How does it work? Is it alive?"

David laughed, "It's definitely alive, but I have no idea how it works."

"I mean is it sentient?" John rephrased.

"I'm not sure," David admitted.

"Well be careful with it, David."

"I will, John I promise."

John smiled, "Good."

At dinner on Friday all David talked about was the new plant. John didn't care because he thought the plant was cool and he liked hearing David talk, especially about something the other man found to be sp exciting. His face would flush and his hands would move with his words and his eyes would light up like a child's at Disneyland.

"So from what I can tell… it's not sentient at all. It has some sort of internal defense mechanism that makes it change into whatever shape in directly in front of it. I don't know why it would do that as it's obviously still a plant…"

"Maybe someone hunts plants," John put in.

David laughed, "I guess that's a possibility. Hmm, maybe the animals in this galaxy are really stupid and if they see a plant that looks like them, they assume it's one of them and won't eat it."

John thought about it for a second. "Well, I certainly wouldn't eat a plant that looks like me."

"Me neither," David said with a grin.

"So I guess it's a defense mechanism that works."

"I guess so," David agreed. "Now the really cool thing is how it's photosynthesis cycle…"

John hovered outside of David's quarters. It had been a shitty day that had started out badly and only gotten worse. After going to bed at 0034, he'd been woken up at 0307 by the gate room watchman saying that SGA-3 had missed their check-in and when he dialed out, no one had answered. So John had pulled himself out of bed, woke up his team (who was equally as happy about being woken up at such an early hour, except for Rodney who hadn't actually gone to bed yet), geared up and had taken a jumper out to the planet.

He knew the day would be bad when they found Sgt. Marks' body about one click from the gate and no sign of his other three teammates. It had taken them half an hour to find Dr. Warren's body lying right next to Corporal Hines'. There was no sign of Captain Holloway.

After five hours of searing they'd gone back to Atlantis with three-fourths of SGA-3 and by then it was still only breakfast time.

John had spent the next hour writing letters to families that he had never met praising the works of their children. He felt horrible and angry and they still hadn't figured out how any of them had died.

By 1300 John had been ready to call it a day because he'd received a call letting him know that there had been an explosion in Rodney's lab and John hadn't been able to run fast enough to get there before McKay had been loaded onto a stretcher and taken to the infirmary. Zelenka had been injured as well and the remaining science staff had seemed to be in shock so John had sent most of them home.

And of course that's when the power died.

So John had to call them back and it took them four hours to get the power back online and the whole time John had been thinking that Rodney could have done it in about three minutes.

After that, he'd visited Rodney, only to find him asleep and well bandaged. Since John couldn't do anything there he let Ronon lead him to the gym when John got his ass handed to him on a plate, several new bruises and a new appreciation for not being able to feel anything besides the throbbing pain in his knee.

So John had limped back to his quarters and then laid down on his bed and stared at the ceiling for a couple hours. Then he'd suddenly found himself at David Parrish's door.

John sucked in a breath and waved his hand over the sensor. It took a minute but the door eventually slid open and David stood on the other side, having clearly been asleep before John had woken him up. The botanist stood there, eyes mostly closed, hair sticking up everywhere and, oh yeah, dressed in just boxers.

"John?" David asked with a squint. "Are you okay? It's the middle of the night."

"I… can I come in?"

"Yes, of course."

David stepped back to let John into his room. John had never been in David's quarters but they looked a lot like his office did, a few plants here and there, a stack of books in the corner, reports and a laptop on the desk. There was a Journey poster on the wall and John wouldn't have pegged David as a Journey fan, but he figured everyone had a secret indulgence.

John stood there awkwardly while David looked at him in concern.

"Is everything alright?" David asked.

"I… Can you talk about plants for a while?" John requested softly.

David frowned a little but nodded, "Yeah, I can do that."

He led John to his bed and then both sat side by side leaning up against the wall and David began to talk about his favorite plant back on Earth. John let the soothing words wash over him and tried to forget that he was sending home four coffins, one empty, in a week's time.

"…So then Reed stops suddenly and Parrish was busy looking at something else, he slams into Reed's back and they both fall into this giant pit of mud that must have been about waist deep. We couldn't pull them out, so that's when we had to send for help and Parrish is flailing about, sloshing the mud everywhere while Reed looks like his at some spa back on Earth having a nice mud bath. I don't think those two could be much different if they tried, sir."

"Was Parrish hurt?" John asked.

Lorne shook his head, "Just a little freaked out. I found some plant and gave it to David to distract him, worked like a charm."

"Well, better your team then mine," John grinned.

"It's always my team, sir."

John couldn't disagree with that. Lorne's teams had some pretty wild adventures. John particularly liked the one with the Pegasus equivalents of an elephant, a raccoon and a lion.

"And they're okay now? Keller cleared them?"

"Yup. She said the mud did wonders for their skin," Lorne said with a grin.

John laughed, "Of course."

Five months after David had given John his plant, Spock began to change colors. Several of the leaves were turning purple and John felt weird calling it Spock now so he had mentally dubbed it Barney but he refused to call it that out loud. But nonetheless, John was a little worried. So he carried Barney down to David's lab.

"What happened to Spock?" John demanded, thrusting the plant under David's nose.

David looked down at the plant and then up at John.

"It's a deciduous plant. The leaves are drying and they're gonna fall off."

"Spock's going bald?" John asked, askance.

David laughed, "I guess that's one way to put it."

"But there aren't any seasons here! And I water it every day…"

The botanist shrugged, "It's a plant, John. It's what they do."

"It's… purple!"

"Do you have something against the color purple?" David asked, raising his eyebrows.

"It clashes with my Johnny Cash poster," John said in a deadpan.

David laughed again. "If that's your concern you can leave it here until Spock is blue again."

"Leave him here?" John asked, aghast at the idea.

"Afraid to be alone again?" David asked with a grin.

"Something like that," John admitted wryly.

David smiled up at him beautifully. "Well I guess a bald Spock is better than no Spock at all."

"Should I… save the leaves or something?"

"If you want to… maybe you can make a tea or something."

"You want me to drink Spock?"

David looked at him and then burst out laughing.

John flushed, "Get your mind out of the gutter, David."

"You said it John," David laughed.

"I didn't mean it like that!"

"Sure, sure."

It had been seven months since David first met John Sheppard and, well, he was tired of waiting. So when one of the nurses asked him out… David said yes. A man had needs and if John wasn't going to fulfill them then someone else would have to.

The whole time it had felt wrong, wrong, wrong. Mark had an easy smile, gorgeous eyes and was very in shape. But all David wanted was John freakin' Sheppard and his lopsided smiles, hanuted eyes and too-skinny body.

David wanted to groan because Mark was definitely into him. He gave David all the signs that he would be okay with ending their date in his quarters and it had been so long since David had gotten laid that he was actually considering it. David didn't want to be considering it, he didn't want to be on a date, but his dick had other ideas.

So when Mark casually asked if David wanted to watch a movie in his quarters--an activity that held an entirely different meaning on Atlantis--David had said yes.

So here he was in Mark's quarters, the movie long abandoned. David's clothes were in a pile on the floor and Mark's had been tossed towards the other man's hamper.

David was currently lying on his back with his legs around Mark's waist as Mark gently moved in and out of him. Like everything else with Mark, the sex was fantastic. Earlier David had gotten a blowjob and he could have sworn he'd seen stars.

When David came he was very careful not to say John's name and while Mark cleaned them up and mumbled that David should spend the night, David furiously tried not to think about John.

It was all over Atlantis' gossip network that David Parrish had hooked up with Mark Myers last night. Apparently someone had seen David go into Myers' quarters and someone else had seen the botanist leave at 0700 this morning.

When John first heard that he hadn't been able to breathe.

"David?" John called loudly.

The botanist wasn't in his office and John had only cast a cursory glance into a couple of the labs. Katie Brown poked her head out of her office and smiled at John.

"He'll be in late today, Colonel Sheppard," She informed him. "He called earlier."

"Did he say when?" John asked.

"Sorry," She apologized. "He just said 'late'."

"Okay, thanks."

"Sure."

John left and headed for David's quarters. When he arrived he waved his hand in front of the door sensor. "David?" John asked through the door. He waved his hand again. John tried to feel bad about using his military override to open the door, but he didn't.

"David?"

A glance around the room told John that it was empty. The bathroom door was open and John stuck his head in to make sure before leaving the botanist's quarters.

John sighed. He had a meeting in ten minutes and couldn't keep looking for David. So he left the room, re-locking the door and headed to the control room.

"David?"

"Hey, Katie," David greeted. "What's up?"

She smiled at him, "Colonel Sheppard was here looking for you earlier."

David frowned, "It's still Tuesday right?"

"All day," she confirmed.

"I wonder what he wanted."

"He didn't say."

"Oh. Thanks, Katie."

"No problem." There was a long pause and then, "So…"

David looked up to see Katie still in his doorway. "So…?"

"How was it?"

"How was what?"

She laughed, "Your date!"

David froze, "How did you know about that?"

Katie rolled her eyes and walked further into David's room. "Everyone in the city knows about it."

"Everyone?"

"Maybe not everyone but I'd say close."

David wondered if that mean John knew. He looked up at Katie. "Uh, it was fine. Mark's great."

She grinned, "Do you guys have another date tonight?"

David frowned, "Not that I know of. I'm not sure it's gonna work out between us."

"You just said he was great," Katie repeated, confused.

"He is, he's just… better suited for someone else I think."

"Oh. I'm sure someone else will come along for you then," she said encouragingly.

"Yeah," David agreed softly.

John didn't get a chance to see David for another week and a half. He'd had to miss their Friday night dinner because he'd gotten stuck off-world and so by the next time he did see the botanist, the gossip mill had gone into overdrive. If the rumors were to be believed, David had hooked up with Mark every night since Monday night and they were well on their way to being the best looking couple in the city.

It was Friday but instead of picking up David for dinner, John was lying on his back in his quarters and staring up at the ceiling. He had a football in hand and was tossing it up and down in his mostly dark room.

His door chimed and John thought it open. His visitor stepped into the room and the door closed behind him.

"John?" David asked softly.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? It's Friday…"

"I know."

"Oh."

"How come you didn't tell me about Myers?" John asked, careful to keep the hurt out of his voice.

"We've been busy."

John wasn't sure if that mean that he and David had been busy or if Myers and David had been busy.

"Rodney said that Katie said you guys make a cute couple."

"John--" David cut himself off. "You aren't allowed to do this. You aren't allowed to be mad or bitter. I waited for you, I waited seven months! So, yes when Mark came along and asked me out, I said yes! When he asked me back to his room, I said yes! And when he asked me back the next night and the next night, I said yes. He wanted me, John and you didn't."

All John could hear in the dark room was David's harsh breathing.

"I thought…" John swallowed. "You're right."

"I am?" David asked skeptically.

John wanted to say that David wasn't right. He wanted to tell the other man that John had thought they were dating. That John had never been with a guy before and thought maybe they just took their time, more than women did, to get anywhere physical, although now he definitely knew differently. John wanted to not feel like his insides were hurting, like he'd just been through five rounds with Ronon and was staring another one.

John had thought David knew they were dating. Maybe they never said the words but John had dinner with him once a week! He brought David plants, sometimes, and he listened to David talk about plants. John had told his team about them. A team that had spent the past week giving John sympathetic looks because they had thought he and David broke up. Even Rodney had offered to drown John's sorrows with some of Radek's homemade brew.

What John had thought was going slow, David had thought was doesn't exist.

And it really hurt to realize that.

"David?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you… can you leave, please?"

David left quietly and John was left alone. Like he had always been.

"You broke Sheppard."

David looked up to see Ronon's large form darkening his office doorway.

"Excuse me?" He asked.

The Satedan stepped into the room and loomed over David's desk. "You broke him."

David held his hands up, "Look, I haven't talked to John in two months, I haven't even seen him! I don't have anything to do with him."

Ronon shook his head. "You need to stop sleeping with the nurse."

David frowned, "It's really none of your business who I sleep with."

"Sheppard's my friend and he's my commander and you broke him."

"Will you stop saying that?! I didn't do anything to John!"

Ronon eyed him and David swallowed nervously. "John told us you were… dating."

"Us who?"

"Me, Teyla, McKay."

"He told you who was dating?"

"You and him."

"What? When?"

Ronon hesitated, "Eight months ago."

"Eight months?" David gaped. "I've only known him for nine. He thought we were dating for six months?"

"You broke him," Ronon replied. "You need to fix him."

"He won't talk to me," David argued.

"He will."

"It's not that easy. I'm with Mark now and I--"

"No."

"No what?"

"You're not with him anymore."

David sighed, "Look, Ronon I appreciate that you're trying to help but this isn't any of your business."

Ronon shot him a glare and then turned and left.

David had never felt worse.

When David finally saw John it wasn't anything like what he was expecting. John didn't seem broken. He was laughing at something Dr. McKay had said and grinned at Teyla when the women pushed John's food closer to him in a sure sign that John should eat. John rolled his eyes but dug into his food.

He seemed normal to David.

Ronon's eyes met his across the room and they flickered briefly to John and then back to David's. David had no idea what the other man wanted him to see because John looked just fine to him.

David shook his head at Ronon. John was doing fine and David wasn't going to mess up his life just to fix Ronon's imaginary problems.

John remembered his mother quoting someone once.

She had said "John, 'absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.' Remember that, it could be helpful in the future." Then she had winked and went back to making breakfast.

His mother had been an English professor and had a new quote everyday for John to hear. Some of them were funny, some were dark and others were insightful.

All John could think of now was that quote. He had thought he would feel better after a couple of weeks. He always had before. But not this time. This time it only got worse.

John was ready to swallow his pride and beg David to eat dinner with him on Fridays again. John didn't care if it would only be a dinner between friends or if David would now be talking about Myers instead of plants. John needed to hear David's voice. He wanted to see David's smile. John just wanted to be near David.

John never saw David anymore. Not in the mess hall, not in the hallway, not anywhere. He wasn't sure if David was hiding from him or if their paths just never crossed. They never really had before they'd started dat--eating together.

There had been several times in John's life when he had been close to death, hell there had been a couple times when he had died but nothing had ever hurt as much as this.

Three months after David started sleeping with Mark, they broke up.

It had been a mutual decision. They weren't all that compatible outside of the bed and while the sex was great, they both knew that there had to be more than sex in a relationship.

There hadn't been any teary goodbyes or attempts to keep up a friendship. It was just over and when they saw each other there was a polite smile and nod and that was that.

Overall it had been the easiest breakup that David had ever had and it was a lot less messy than a lot of other breakups on Atlantis. For most it was hard to work in such a close environment with an ex. You ran into them everywhere.

Except David never ran into John. Not that they had broken up. Because they'd never been dating. At least in David's head.

Ronon's words haunted him. All the time. John had thought they'd been dating almost the whole time they'd known each other and then David had gone and slept with someone else. If he were John, David thought that would have really hurt. Except he wasn't John and he hadn't thought they were dating. But that didn't really make David feel better about the whole thing.

"Hey."

David looked up from his work and blinked in surprise. John was standing in his doorway, fidgeting and looking pretty much like someone--David--had killed his puppy.

"John," David said, surprised. "Are you--can I--do you need something?"

"It's Friday," John said softly. "I was wondering if you would have dinner with me. Not a--not a date. Just… dinner."

David looked at John, really looked at John, and saw what Ronon had been trying to say. John's clothes hung on his frame like they were two sizes too big. There were dark rings under John's eyes and so much anguish written on John's face that David wondered how he ever thought John had been alright. John's voice had been shaky and his posture screamed defeat.

And David had done that to him.

"I…" David swallowed. "Sure."

David closed up his laptop, grabbed his jacket and then met John at the door.

John smiled at him. A smile that didn't reach his eyes and that was so fake David felt like crying.

"Shall we?" John asked.

"We shall," David replied softly.

John's mom had also once quoted, "The most painful thing is to be sitting right next to the person you love most, but never being able to let them know."

At the time, John had thought that was a dumb quote. Surely there must be more painful things then that. John thought maybe losing a limb or sitting on a bomb or getting shot or stabbed would be pretty painful.

John knew now that his mom had been right.

He was sitting across from David during their weekly dinner, it was the third one since John had gone to David, asking to reinstate them. David talked about plants like he always did.

It had been different before. Before when John had thought David was as interested in John as John was in David. Before when John had thought that the dinners meant much more than they did. Before John started dying a little bit each day.

"…John?"

John blinked, "Yeah?"

"I… I'm really sorry," David said quietly. "I had no idea."

"About mycorrhizal fungi?" Because John could have sworn David was just talking about the stuff in great detail.

David smiled sadly. "No, not about fungi. I had no idea you thought we were dating."

That ache in John's chest started to grow and he struggled to breathe.

"Who told you?" He asked in a strangled voice.

"Ronon," David admitted.

"I'm sorry," John answered. "He shouldn't have told you that."

"I'm glad he did."

John shook his head. "I was the one who was stupid, I--he shouldn't have told you."

"You weren't stupid, John," David said, reaching a hand across the table to lightly tap the back of John's wrist.

"Then what would you call it, David?" John asked, suddenly tired. He was tired of feeling, tired of hurting, tired of being in love with someone who never loved him back.

"I don't know," David admitted quietly. "But you weren't stupid."

John looked up and met David's blue eyes. "Everything hurts," John said softly. "And it's not getting better."

"Maybe we shouldn't meet up anymore," the botanist suggested gently.

"No!" John said quickly, dread filling his insides. "Please, no. I… David it…"

John couldn't say that it hurt less when he was with David, because it didn't. It never hurt less. But John could forget for a few seconds. He could forget that they weren't dating and imagine that David wanted to be with him out of something other than guilt.

"Please," John said quietly.

"Yes, of course. Sorry, I thought maybe it would help you…"

"No," John said with a sigh of relief. "No."

So they kept going as they were. John would pick up David every Friday for lunch, they would eat, David would talk, John would listen and then they'd go their separate ways.

There was something missing, David knew. Something that had been there before and now wasn't, some ease with which they interacted with each other. They had slid into friendship so easily and now David felt like he was hurting John just by sitting with him. John looked sadder and sadder every time David saw him. So David went to John's quarters, deciding that they needed to talk about the elephant in the room.

John answered the door with a surprised look on his face but easily covered it up and stepped aside for David to enter.

"John, I think we need to talk."

The other man swallowed and nodded and gestured to his bed. David sat at the head and John sat next to him, both leaning against the wall.

"Should I start?" David asked.

"I can," John said quietly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." John took a deep breath. "You were just… you were just a crazy botanist extraordinaire," John said with a laugh. "I had to meet you because Lorne always talked about you. So I went to find you and you… you were nothing like I thought you would be. And then we had dinner and you talked and talked and all I wanted to do was hear you talk some more. I thought you talked enough for the both of us. I was relieved, because everyone else seemed to always want me to talk more, but not you, David. Never you. I don't know why I thought we were dating. I can see why you thought we weren't. I never said anything and we never did anything, but I always wanted to be with you. I've never… I've never been with a guy before and I thought maybe there was some sort of… waiting period. When nothing ever happened I would just keep extending that period. It was one month then three months, then six months, then a year. And then… and then I heard that you slept with some nurse and I didn't really understand."

"Oh god, John…"

John swallowed and continued. "And then when we talked it became so clear that you never thought we were dating, and how can I be mad about that? It's not like we had exchanged promises of anything. But it hurt, David. It really hurt. I thought it would go away. Everyone says that it goes away, that time heals everything. But it didn't, not for me. Time only made it worse."

David reached over and let his hand rest between his and John's legs, lettings his fingers graze the side of John's pants.

"John, I… I didn't think someone like you could ever like someone like me. I mean you're John Sheppard… the Marines on the base talk about you like your some kind of hero and the scientists all talk about you because you're some sort of secret math prodigy… and me? I'm just a botanist. All I ever want to talk about are plants. But you seemed so interested every week that I… I thought maybe you might like me. But you never did anything, never said anything. I thought maybe I had read you wrong and you weren't interested so when Mark came along… I said yes. I wanted him to be you the entire time. I wasn't even sad when we broke up because he just wasn't you."

"So where does that leave us?" John whispered, looking at David. There was a hopeful look in his eyes.

David smiled, "John Sheppard, would you go out with me?"