Genre: Angst/Drama/Romance

Pairings: 2x1/1x2

Disclaimer: Don't own nothin' but these words

Warnings: Yaoi, lemon, angst, sap, language. For all of you who wanted it, this story DOES have a happy ending.

A/N: This is the sequel to "Falling to Pieces." You don't exactly have to read that one first, but this one might be more meaningful if you do. Did any of you notice I put "romance" as the genre of "Falling to Pieces"? I did, and I was thinking, wtf?? There's no romance in that story! The hell was I thinking, LOL? XD

Merry Christmas everyone.

The war was over. Sometimes, Heero could hardly believe it. The war was over, he'd survived. All five of them had survived. He had his whole life ahead of him now, he didn't have to be a soldier anymore. There was only one problem. He had no idea what to do now, and the only thing he did want, he had no idea how to get it.

Seven months ago, in the aftermath of one of the worst experiences of Heero's young life, Duo had pretty much disappeared. He rarely to never contacted his fellow gundam pilots, and now that the war had ended he'd well and truly vanished. It had been a month now of endless searching on Heero's part, but still Duo had utterly eluded him. He was starting to feel a strange desperation. Almost as if he knew the longer Duo stayed hidden, the less Heero's chances of finding him.

He had to know what it was that had driven Duo away back then. If he truly didn't love Heero, he would accept it and move on. But like a body disappearing and never being found, Heero lacked a sense of closure that would have allowed him to get past it. Of course, if Duo didn't love him he would probably never really move on, but at least . . .

At least . . .

Sitting down at his laptop he requested a video chat with Quatre. The blonde accepted in a matter of minutes, face appearing.

"Heero?" Concerned.

He knew how Heero felt and had displayed his worry on numerous occasions. "Can you look someone up for me?" Heero asked. "Someone Duo met during the war." Someone he'd mentioned during their rare, short conversations. A girl named Hilde that apparently Duo held in fairly high regard. Maybe even loved. The thought of that was physically painful. But maybe she knew something. At this point, anything at all was better than nothing.

-

"Hey, Maxwell! You ever gonna get off your skinny ass and get to work? Your break ended about twenty minutes ago!"

Duo blinked out of his mindless staring at Hilde and glanced down from the tall pile of scrap metal. Despite the gruff tone and language, the speaker was a petite woman with rich red hair. With her dark brown eyes and peaches-and-cream complexion she looked better suited to an opera house than a junkyard. Everyone called her Miss B, which was slightly more polite than calling her Miss Bitch. Duo thought her real name might be Brianna.

"My shift ended twenty minutes ago," he corrected.

She just laughed. "Plans change, pussy cat. Need ya here since that worthless lump Toby called in sick again. Now come on, back to work both of ya. Unless you want me to fire you?"

Hilde hissed laughter under her breath. "God, she's such a harridan. See you later tonight, ne, Duo?"

Waving, Duo slid down off the pile in the opposite direction. Ever since the reclamation project the yard had been ridiculously busy. Duo didn't mind. Kept him too preoccupied to think about all the things he didn't want to think about.

The war had ended a month ago. It was over. Done. Finished. Won. It didn't even seem possible. Duo had immediately returned to L2, looking Hilde up, and now the two of them lived and worked together. Not intimate. Even though Duo thought she was quite attractive, he couldn't so much as hold her hand. The feel of skin on skin made him jumpy and skittish, as if something terrible would happen merely by touching her. He couldn't love her. She would disappear if he loved her. So he enjoyed her company and treated her like a kid brother. She took it in stride and acted like one of the guys.

It was late when Miss B closed the junkyard. Duo strolled home with Hilde, feeling blessedly numb and tired. Hilde whistled some bright tune.

"Ne Duo, what on earth are we doing out here? We shouldn't be slaving in a place like this."

"Mm," Duo replied, not giving it much thought.

"Seriously. We're too good for this. Why did you even come out here? I would have thought you guys would stay together or something."

"I love you, Duo . . ."

Duo shook his head as though he could physically jar loose those memories. Heero's hands. His lips. His body, his skin. His eyes. Shit. Duo rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Ah, I gotta headache. I'm going straight to bed when we get home. I think I haven't slept in forty-eight hours." Nothing like ignoring a question when you didn't like it.

Hilde either didn't notice or let it go. "Well, you keep volunteering to take on everyone else's shifts. Keep being so nice and they'll start taking advantage."

Duo snorted. "They already do."

"Then start acting like Miss B!" Hilde suggested with a giggle. "No one would mess with you then! You know, I heard she was walking home one night and three guys tried to mug her. She yelled at them and told them what worthless asses they were and how much the sight of them offended her, and they started crying and ran off. I could just see that happening!"

In spite of himself, Duo grinned at the image. "Me, too. She really can be a bitch."

"Tell me about it! Ohh, I'm so sore. Gimme a massage tonight?"

Duo froze. A massage. He would have to touch her. In a way far more intimate than a friendly arm around the shoulders or a quick, rough hug. If she took her shirt off, he would be touching bare skin. Hilde stopped walking and turned to face him, and a deep sadness welled up in her eyes.

"Duo, what happened to you? It breaks my heart that you're like this. Can't I put you at ease somehow?"

Not exactly sure what she meant and not even sure of the answer, Duo shrugged loosely. "Sorry. You know I just get . . . weird sometimes."

"It's more than that." Hilde touched his arm; he immediately pulled away. "See? What are you so afraid of?"

"I love you, Duo . . ."

For an awful moment, Duo's vision darkened and he thought he might have a panic attack. "Nothing, Hil'. Let's just go home. I'm tired and hungry."

Her dark eyes told him clearly she thought something was still wrong, but she once more let it go. "Yeah, I could go for a pizza about now. Sound good?"

Relaxing a bit, Duo nodded. "You order?"

She grinned. "My treat."

-

"Heero, I don't know how you knew, but we found Duo."

"What?"

"Working in a junkyard on L2 with that girl, Hilde. Apparently started right after the war."

"Can you get me on a flight there?"

"Tell me when and I'll arrange it."

"Tonight."

-

Nighttime was definitely the worst part of an L2 day. It covered the ugliness in shadow, but it made it all the more jarring when it revealed itself. Duo wandered through the dirty streets, mind crawling. He was tired but he couldn't sleep. He was hungry but he couldn't eat. He was hurting and there was no relief.

At midnight, bars were still open so Duo made his way to a seedy-looking one. He'd been here before. The bartender, a bear of a man, slid Duo a drink without waiting for an order. Duo accepted and downed half of it before the burning took over like a punch in the throat. Lowering the mug, he waited it out, feeling more alive now. Leaning wearily against the bar, he glanced around. There weren't many patrons, but Duo recognized one of them. Slumped over a mug of some dark ale.

"Miss B?"

She looked up at the sound of her nickname, and Duo could see her eyes were clear enough to indicate she wasn't all that drunk.

"Duo. What are you doing here?" Then she let out a rueful chuckle. "What does anyone do in a bar? Drown their sorrows." She took a long swallow from her mug.

Having never seen her so fragile, Duo felt drawn to her. He sat at the stool beside her. "Sorrows?"

She ran slim fingers through her red hair. "Yeah. What, you didn't think I was always like this, did you?" Her eyes sparkled momentarily with mirth.

"Guess not," Duo murmured.

She sighed. "Just once, I'd like to meet someone who's blissfully happy. Someone who doesn't know what pain is. I wonder what kind of person that would be. The kind of person who could say, 'Brianna, the world is full of beautiful things.' Wouldn't that be wonderful."

Watching her with vague interest, Duo didn't try to pretend he understood. Apparently she didn't need a response.

"I was glad when the war ended, but to tell you the truth it felt like a hollow victory to me. I did so many stupid things. Made so many mistakes. But none of them can compare to him."

"Him?" Duo prompted after a moment, curious now.

Her dark brown eyes met his. "The one man I loved. I was too damn scared and stupid to see it when we were together. I bolted when he asked me to marry him. Couldn't figure out why he'd want me. And know what? It was only after he died in the war that I realized I wanted to be his wife. How fucked up is that?"

For a moment, Duo could neither see nor hear her. The similarities were freakish. Only, Heero had survived the war. And strangely, that had made Duo's phobia of closeness even worse. He covered his face with his hands, suddenly awash with pain he couldn't quite explain. Grabbing his mug, he gulped down the rest of it and motioned for the bartender to give him another.

Brianna was continuing. "I used to think it, you know. That saying, 'you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone' was stupid. Maybe there are people fate enjoys tormenting. You, you're really fucked up, aren't you Duo?"

Duo blinked, caught off guard. He looked at her, and her eyes were a bit misty. Maybe more drunk than he thought. "Speak for yourself," he muttered.

She burst into laughter. "Yeah, I'm fucked up, that's for sure. Here, have a drink. On me. You look like you could use it."

So he had a drink. And another. In fact, he drank until he couldn't remember his own name, let alone how he'd come to be in such a pitiful way. Brianna took him home and Hilde got him in bed. He instantly fell into a deep sleep and for once didn't dream.

-

Heero walked around the edge of the junkyard, something telling him he shouldn't make his presence immediately known. If Duo saw him before he saw Duo, it might spook the long-haired boy into running. And who knew if he'd find him again, then? To his disappointment he saw no trace of the long chestnut braid he'd desperately missed. He wrestled with himself for a long time, trying to decide what to do now. Everything hinged on him being able to catch Duo unawares. Few people in this galaxy were as capable of completely vanishing as was Duo.

Watching a petite redhead for a few moments, he finally steeled his resolve and approached her. She was barking out orders like any drill sargeant.

". . . gonna knock you over the head with my clipboard, Toby. I don't wanna see you slacking anymore today, or you're pulling double shifts for the next year! Up, people! We have two huge orders needing filling by tomorrow!"

Heero kept pace with her to both not lose her and to avoid being stepped on. The soldier in him respected her air of authority. Finally, she whirled to face him.

"What?" Sharp and impatient.

Heero resisted the urge to snap a salute. "I apologize for bothering you, Miss . . . ?"

"B," she supplied. "Short for bitch." She bit out a snarky grin.

Heero about swallowed his tongue. "Miss . . . B. I'm looking for someone. Duo Maxwell?"

"Ah, the little stray pussy cat, eh? Friend of his?"

"From the war," Heero confirmed. "Is he here?"

"Not today, doll. Called in sick. Wager he had a helluva hangover from last night--I mistakenly went drinking with him and I can drink any man under the table. Better luck tomorrow?"

"Can you tell me where he lives?"

"Would if I could. Don't know his address--I don't think he ever gives it out. The only one who knows is Hilde, and she's not here today either. Taking care of Duo."

Heero bit the inside of his cheek. Well, he'd come this far, and obviously Duo did work here. He could be patient for one more day. "Thank you, Miss B." The name came out a little easier the second time.

She gave him a strange smile. "Sure thing, doll."

Leaving the junkyard, Heero wandered a bit aimlessly for awhile. He had no idea even where to begin looking for where Duo lived. Probably not all that far from the yard, but that left a lot of ground to cover. Shaking his head, he struck out with purpose again. He couldn't sit around in his room all night, he needed something to do before he went mad. Even if he walked all over L2, at least it would keep him occupied.

-

When Duo woke the next morning after drinking with Brianna, he rather wished he were dead. As soon as he moved he ran for the bathroom, puking violently for what felt like hours and hours. His head pounding viciously, even the dimmest light felt too fucking bright, and his whole body ached from the exertion of puking. Hilde, shaking her head with a worried look, called them both in sick. She'd given him about half a bottle of aspirin, water, and a thin soup and sent him back to bed.

Now it was almost dark again. For some reason, Duo felt strangely antsy. Brianna's words kept running around in his head, driving him crazy. While Hilde went out to get a few things like juice and more aspirin, Duo got dressed and left. His feet took him right back to the bar of last night, and to his relief Brianna was there. Before her on the bar sat an untouched mug of something dark and foaming. Duo sat at her side. He still felt a little crummy, but a lot better than this morning.

She looked at him and gave a faint smile. "What are you doing here? Aren't you sick?"

"24 hour bug," Duo guessed, shrugging carelessly and swiping her drink. "I was getting restless."

"Don't blame you," Brianna said with a nod. "I never could stand staying in bed all day. But no more than one drink tonight. You think I'm gonna let you call in sick two days in a row from a hangover? I ain't that generous, pussy cat."

Duo smirked into his drink. "I won't get drunk."

"Good."

They carried on amiable conversation for awhile. Brianna didn't hold herself to the same standard--she continued to drink. And while her eyes got a glazed look after awhile, she talked without slurring and still seemed perfectly aware. Lucky bitch.

"I've been thinking about what you said last night," Duo remarked eventually.

"Which part?"

"Mainly, that you don't know what you've got until it's gone."

"Ah. Lost someone too, have ya?"

"Not exactly," Duo said, drawing in a deep breath. "I left them."

Dark eyes bored into his. "And now you're regretting it?"

"No!" Duo denied at once, sharp and vehement. "I had to. I had to keep him safe. But . . ." He couldn't go on.

"But?" Brianna prompted gently.

Duo floundered. He had no idea what he wanted to say. But what? He missed Heero? He wanted to see him? Wanted to hold him? Wanted to love him, too?

Feeling panicky, Duo squeezed his eyes shut. "Nothing. Nothing. It was stupid. I shouldn't have brought it up."

A warm hand covered his. "Sweetheart," Brianna said, drawing his eyes in surprise. Her expression was so gentle, so kind. So warm and understanding. "The only thing worse in this life than heartbreak is unnecessary heartbreak. You can't imagine what it's like to never get your chance. To blow it or watch it go by without moving."

"I had to--" Duo began.

Brianna ignored him. "Picture yourself in my place. This person you left, what if they died now? Right now? How would you feel?"

Duo froze. There it was again. That awful, miserable feeling deep in his heart and gut. If Heero died right now? Duo was pretty sure he'd pick up his gun and end it. He thought he was going to hyperventilate. But unlike Brianna, Duo had nothing to say to Heero. He wasn't in love with Heero. There was no chance to miss.

Brianna abruptly let out a bitter-sounding laugh. "You wear your heart on your sleeve, don't you, angel?"

Duo blinked. "What?"

"I can see everything you're thinking on your face. I've never seen such unguarded emotion in anyone's eyes, actually. Trust me when I say this. I know exactly what you're going through."

"No you don't," Duo argued at once, mostly out of reflex. "He said he loves me, but I don't love him. I can't let him love me."

"Why not?"

"I just . . . I can't!"

"That's not much of a reason," Brianna observed. "Duo, you're making excuses. It's obvious to me. You love him, and if he loves you, what's stopping you from being with him?"

You love him. The words flew around and around in Duo's head like a covey of agitated birds. No. NO. I don't love him. I can't love him. If I love him, he'll die.

He shook his head fiercely. "I don't love him."

Brianna dropped her head into her hands. She was shaking. "God, you sound just like me." Reaching out, she grabbed his shoulders and squeezed. "Don't be like me, Duo. You're denying yourself for nothing. You can't imagine how it feels when you lose him for good. Even if he dies, you will still have your memories of happiness with him. Take it, Duo. You deserve it."

Wrenching from her hold, Duo bolted for the door.

"He was there today," Brianna called after him. "At the yard. Asking for you. He wants to be with you, Duo. Stop running from him."

There? Heero was THERE? How did he even find me? No, no no no nononononono. You can't be here, Heero. You can't be anywhere near me. He didn't stop running until he was back at their small apartment, and he promptly fell to his knees and threw up. This time not from alcohol. Hilde asked what was wrong. He couldn't tell her. He only slept at all because he felt so sick.

In the morning, Duo woke feeling like his head was stuffed with cotton and lead. He got out of bed and took a long, hot shower. Then he started packing up what little belongings he still had. Hilde came into the bedroom just as he was finishing.

"Duo?" she queried. "What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving, Hil'," he replied, closing the worn-out suitcase.

She looked shocked. "What? Why! Where are you going?"

"I don't know, but I've gotta . . . go. L4, maybe." Did he sound as desperate as he felt?

"Duo," Hilde said, abruptly wrapping her arms around his waist, "please. Stop running. We can figure it out. I'll help you, I promise. Just . . . stay."

Duo broke her hold as carefully as he could. "See ya, Hil'. Thanks for everything this last month." And then he was gone.

-

Heero had never been so relieved for daybreak in his life. He forced himself to shower and eat and make himself presentable before going back to the junkyard. Everything looked much the same as yesterday. Except, he saw Hilde. He'd never met her, but she looked exactly as she had in the photo Quatre had shown him. Heero went straight for her.

"Hilde?"

She turned. "Yes?"

"I'm Heero Yuy. I was hoping you could tell me where I can find Duo Maxwell?"

To his shock, tears welled up in Hilde's eyes. "You're him, aren't you? The one Duo can't get over? All he told me is that you fought in the war. But I heard the hitch in his voice when he said your name."

Heero was stunned. Duo couldn't get over him? Then why hadn't he returned? He would have been welcomed back with open arms! "Yes," he said.

Startling him further, Hilde grabbed both his arms. "Why didn't you come sooner?" she cried, tears brimming over and spilling down her cheeks. "He left, Heero. Just a few hours ago."

Did people's hearts actually stop? Logically, Heero knew that was absurd. Of course not. But that's what it felt like his heart did. Stopped. "Where did he go?" A little too soft, but still desperately urgent.

She shook her head, releasing his arms to wipe at her cheeks. "I don't know. He said maybe L4, but I don't think he knew."

Taking a few steps backward, Heero turned to go. "Thank you, Hilde."

"Heero?"

He paused. "Hn?"

"If you find him, could you . . . let me know? I just . . . I want to see him happy."

He nodded once and hurried away. He had only one chance left, and if he was quick he might be able to catch Duo before he vanished. This time for good.

-

Duo stared blindly over the park, hands resting limp in his lap. He felt like his mind was broken. Like a machine that could no longer function it had simply shut down, and now he felt purposeless. He didn't know what to do. The last thoughts echoed in his empty head, repeating over and over the words Brianna had spoken. It's obvious to me. You love him.

"I love you, Duo . . ."

Love. Such a huge, final word.

"Duo?" A warm hand landed on his shoulder.

Blink. Duo looked up into rich, cobalt eyes. For several moments he thought he was dreaming. "Heero . . ." He wondered why the sight of the source of his angst and torment didn't panic him. "How did you find me?" He couldn't feel his lips moving, but he heard the words issue forth.

Heero's lips quirked in a faint smile. "I checked all the outbound flights from L2. I saw the name 'H. Yuy' and took a chance."

For a moment Duo couldn't remember choosing that particular fake name. Then he remembered. It had just . . . happened. He hadn't thought about it at all. Move, he thought. Move. You've got to go. Get him away from you. You can't let him love you.

"I missed you . . ." he whispered.

And then he was being crushed against a strong chest. "God, Duo, I looked everywhere for you."

He couldn't breathe. He was being smothered, but that was fine. It was warm and it felt right. It's obvious to me. You love him. Choking in alarm, Duo shoved against Heero's chest. The instant he was free he stood, backing away several paces.

"I left because I didn't want it to be awkward for you," he heard himself say. Voice remarkably composed and cold.

Heero looked a little confused. "Awkward?"

"I heard your confession, Heero," Duo went on, mouth not connected to his brain. And certainly not his heart. "I heard you say you love me. I didn't want to make it weird for you because I don't love you."

For a long, long time Heero simply stared at him. Duo couldn't quite read his expression. He could see several different emotions, but he couldn't decipher any of them. He made no move to rise.

"Your voice and your face are telling me that," Heero agreed at length. "Cold and calm. But do you know what I can see in your eyes, Duo?"

You wear your heart on your sleeve, don't you, angel?

"You're lying."

I've never seen such unguarded emotions in anyone's eyes.

Duo swallowed, stomach churning. No. NO. "I don't love you, Heero. I'm sorry." I can't love you. He turned to go.

Heero didn't touch him, but he put himself right in Duo's path and wouldn't let him pass. "Look me in the eye. Tell me that and look me in the eye."

Duo's heart felt sick. Looking into those clear, dark blue eyes he found he couldn't speak. His mouth had gone as numb as the rest of him.

"Duo," Heero all but whispered, "stop torturing yourself. Haven't you had enough? Don't you realize by now you deserve to be happy?"

Even if he dies, you will still have your memories of happiness with him. Take it, Duo. You deserve it.

"That's . . . that's not . . ." Duo whimpered, his resolve crumbling like dried clay.

"You deserve love," Heero went on, relentless and tender. "Let me love you, Duo. I know you love me too. I can see it in your eyes."

Where was that cold, desperate composure now? Horrified, Duo felt something hot and wet streak down his face. Tears? He was crying? Suddenly he was pressed against Heero's chest again, only, he hadn't moved, so how was he back there again? Surely he hadn't just thrown himself into Heero's arms? They were around him, holding him and surrounding him and keeping him from escaping, and let me love you, Duo. I know you love me too.

Damn it. He couldn't do this.

"Come on, Duo," Heero whispered in his ear, the words warm and slightly moist. "Come home with me."

No. He couldn't do that.

"Okay." Faint. Exhausted.

-

Heero couldn't get a flight back to Earth until the next day, so he got a room near the spaceport and led Duo up the stairs. The long-haired boy was quiet and compliant, but Heero didn't let go of him for a moment. He didn't want Duo to feel trapped, but he also didn't want him to bolt. He wasn't exactly sure what was the source of Duo's skittishness and fear, but he intended to find out and end it. Was he afraid of being hurt? Afraid of committment?

In the room Heero locked the door and sank down into one of the plush chairs, pulling Duo down with him. Duo went without resistance, tucking his head beneath Heero's chin. For a long time Heero simply held him, using the silence to organize his thoughts. Trying to decide if he should broach the subject now or wait. Right now Duo might just need time to get used to Heero being around. Then again, the longer he waited the longer it would be hanging over them, causing Duo stress. Decision made, he now focused on how to start. Not with accusations. Should he break it slowly? Or just jump right in? Not for the first time Heero wished he had more experience dealing in human emotion.

Or could read minds. That would make things easier. He smiled a bit in spite of himself, snorting faintly.

Duo heard it. He lifted his head and looked at Heero, surprise discernible. "Why're you . . . I . . . you never smile."

Heero allowed the smile to deepen a little. "I was just thinking it would be nice if I could read your mind so I would know the right thing to say."

A peculiar expression flitted over Duo's face, one that looked both amused and . . . cornered. "You're already the perfect soldier," Duo muttered. "If you were perfect at everything else, you wouldn't be human anymore."

Pleased by the lightening of the mood, Heero decided to first make his intentions known. "I want you to know, I didn't come looking for you to jump headfirst into a relationship with you. I'm not sure what you're afraid of, so . . . we don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable."

For a moment, Duo looked like he'd been thrown a lifeline. Then his eyes shadowed again. "Don't you know how hard this is for me? Don't you think that's why I left in the first place? Heero, being around you is--" He jerked to his feet, putting distance between them. "I can't do this. I just can't do this."

"What 'this'?"

"This!" Duo snapped, gesturing to them both. "Whatever's between us! It's poison, it's making me crazy and out of my mind, it scares the hell out of me! I can't be near you."

Heero felt like someone had stabbed a needle into his heart, but as before Duo's conflicted eyes told him the boy he loved wasn't being honest with himself. "Why not?"

-

Duo stared at Heero, that simple question flitting about in his mind without direction. Why not, indeed? Too loaded to answer. Easy to answer. Only, Heero was more like a drug than poison. He'd gone through his detox, now his fix was back in his blood again. The addiction was stronger now because he recognized it. Knew what caused it.

Shit I love you. I could fool myself when you weren't around because I could remember your cold. When did you learn to feel so compassionately?

Don't treat me like I'm precious to you. I can't stand it. So he turned to sarcasm and anger. "Heero, we were partners in the war. How am I supposed to get over that and change our relationship? We saw the absolute worst in each other. And you're so emotionally retarded I'm amazed you can even think you love me without someone having to spell it out for you." The biting words fell like venom off his lips, and he regretted them the instant they hit the air.

Heero didn't so much as flinch. "We did see the worst in each other. But we also saw the best. And Duo, I love you in spite of them and because of them. The war is over. And I'm not asking you to come back and be my lover. I'm asking you to come back and stay my friend."

There it was again. The excuse Duo could cling to. But he'd be deceiving himself and he knew it. Plain and simple, he didn't want to be Heero's friend. "Don't you get it? I don't want to be near you. I can't be near you. You'll get tired of having me around, you'll get tired of the fact that I never know what I want and I'm so fucked up and maybe you're emotionally retarded but I invented that term, and I can't be fixed and if you love me you'll die . . ." He trailed off at the end, face going pale when he realized what he'd just said. That deep, soul-deep fear given a voice.

Heero looked shell-shocked. His lips moved but he didn't speak--maybe he couldn't. Duo saw him swallow. ". . . what?" Barely audible.

Duo licked dry lips with an equally dry tongue. "Nothing. Forget I said anything." He turned his back, staring with unseeing eyes out the window.

He heard Heero rise, and hands gripped his shoulders. Not hard, but firm. "How can you expect me to forget something like that? Duo, what do you mean if you love me I'll die?"

Shit. Duo knew better than to believe he could distract Heero from pursuing this. If he simply refused to answer, would Heero let it go? Probably not.

"Everyone I love dies," he admitted after a long, long silence.

A strange mix of exasperation and sympathy filled Heero's eyes. "You can't blame yourself for that."

"Why not?" Duo demanded, feeling defensive. Absurd, really. "It's like I'm cursed!"

"And that's why you keep pushing me away?"

Wrenching free of Heero's hold, Duo stormed across the room.

"Duo," Heero entreated, "I'm not going anywhere. The war's over, and we all survived. Even if I die tomorrow in some freak accident, it won't be your fault. Unless you're the one who pulls the trigger."

The words were so absurd Duo turned to look at him, and to his surprise Heero was smiling again. Damn that smile.

Heero took a step toward him. "I promise I won't die, Duo."

Damn that understanding.

Another step. "We can be happy together, I know it."

Damn that confidence.

Another step. "I'll take care of your heart."

Damn that gentleness.

Another step. "I love you."

Damn that tenderness.

Heero reached out and pulled him back into his arms, slow and steady. Strong. Inexorable. "Let me love you."

Damn all of it. Wrapping his arms around Heero's waist, he surrendered. There was nothing else to do.

-

Even though he had seemed opposed to the idea earlier, Duo still got out of the shower and climbed onto the bed with Heero, naked. He crawled up alongside Heero and pressed their lips together, eyes narrowed and unsure. Heero, resolving to do only what Duo wanted, reciprocated and ran warm hands up Duo's shoulders. The simple movement was enough to encourage Duo to nestle against him, never breaking contact.

Heero kept the kiss simple until he felt Duo's tongue at his lips, probing insistently for entrance. Opening for him, he sucked Duo's tongue into his mouth. He tasted just as sweet as he remembered. More so, if even possible. Duo used his knees to sink down between Heero's thighs, and Heero made room for him. Duo pushed him down onto the bed on his back, and Heero let him. Duo grabbed Heero's wrists and pinned them to the bed alongside his head, and Heero didn't resist. If Duo needed control, he would let him have it.

When Duo finally broke the kiss, he was flushed and panting a little. His eyes had gone dark, and Heero could see equal parts trepidation and desire. "You were my first," he said, licking his lips. "I thought, I could do it for you, because you needed me. I could let you fuck me."

Heero, who rarely thought of the reason for their first time, barely controlled the wince at the memory. He'd never forgiven himself for those moments of violence. Even though he hadn't raped Duo, he'd come so close. He'd wanted to until his senses returned. "I never had the chance to thank you," he said, even though it sounded lame. He wanted to do so much more than merely thank Duo. Words weren't enough. Not nearly.

Duo looked tormented. "I hated to see you like that," he murmured. "I thought you were going to kill yourself, and it would have been my fault . . ."

Heero's heart skipped a beat. Though he wanted to, he didn't break Duo's hold on him. "No it wouldn't," he argued quietly. "It would have been mine. Not even those men who . . ." Even now he couldn't say it, and it had been months. "Mine alone. My choice, Duo."

To his shock, tears gathered in Duo's eyes. A single drop spilled down his cheek, leaving a glimmering trail in its wake. "You would have been gone. Don't die, Heero. Don't ever die. I couldn't stand it. Not now that I . . ." I love you. It was in his eyes.

Now Heero broke the hold and pulled Duo down to him. "I won't." Never.

Duo struggled free. "Don't. Don't move. Just . . . let me."

Heero's heart seized. "Duo . . . I can't . . . let you . . . in. I just can't . . ."

"'s okay," Duo mumbled, bringing their mouths back together. "Just let me."

When they were both naked, Duo straddled Heero's hips and ground down against him. Already half aroused, Heero hardened fully at the sudden, direct stimulation. Duo kept it up until Heero was panting, skin warming and face flushing. Then Duo stopped, hands wandering absent paths over Heero's chest. His lips replaced fingers after a moment, and Heero jumped when moist lips attached to one nipple. It felt . . . different. Duo sucked and nibbled and worried it until Heero hissed, not sure whether the sensation was more arousing or painful. Then Duo was moving downward, stray locks of hair falling from his braid to caress Heero's skin.

Shit. Heero almost sat up when Duo's lips closed around the head of his arousal and lightly sucked. As Duo applied more pressure and took him deeper Heero began to protest, but at that moment he felt a single finger brush against his entrance. This was to distract him, probably. His whole body tensed, even as his mind began to accept. Hadn't Duo done the same thing for him? Relaxed and let him in when he probably wasn't ready for it? Surely this was the least he could do, even just this once. Duo needed him.

So he raised his knees and spread his legs, giving Duo permission even though he wasn't sure he could do this. For Duo's sake, he would try.

There was the briefest of pauses while Duo retrieved a bottle of complimentary lotion, then he returned. He took Heero back into his mouth and slowly pushed one finger inside Heero. For a moment Heero wrestled with his demons, reminding himself he wasn't restrained, he wasn't being hurt, and this was certainly not a faceless, nameless soldier of OZ. This was Duo, whom he loved.

He wasn't ready for the second finger. He was less ready for the third. Every time he thought he'd convinced himself to relax it tensed up again. His muscles were warmer and softer though, enough that Duo finally withdrew and sat back on his heels. His indigo eyes were a mix of sad, lustful, desiring, and loving.

"It only hurts a little at first," he whispered. "I won't ever ask again, Heero. Just this once, I want to . . ." He guided himself toward Heero's entrance with his hand, balancing his weight on the other. "Just this once." And pushed himself all the way in with one sharp thrust.

It was too fast for Heero's first time and being so tense. It hurt, but it wasn't unbearable. Heero's heart, feeling like it was in his throat, thundered away, and he forced his eyes to stay locked with Duo's. I'm not there, I'm not there, I'm not there. Over and over. He's not hurting me, not intentionally. It's not that painful. Just sort of uncomfortable. It'll be fine. It's Duo.

"Heero . . ." Duo gasped, eyes sliding shut.

He looked absolutely beautiful, face gone slack in the wash of pleasure, head bowed forward, back arched gracefully. The sight mesmerized Heero, abruptly chasing away unpleasant memories. It hurt, but it was for Duo, and Duo was obviously not in pain. He raised his hips just the slightest bit, causing Duo to sink into him even deeper, and the velvet drag inside him actually chased away that tight, pinched feeling.

"It's all right, Duo," he panted. "Move." Raising his hips off the bed, he hooked his legs around Duo's waist and pushed him forward.

Duo hissed, regaining his balance and rolling his hips forward. The movement made the long-haired boy moan, and Heero saw a bead of perspiration glitter on his skin before streaking down his jaw and landing on Heero's chest. With a little encouragement from Heero he started a slow in-and-out motion, keeping his eyes on Heero's face the whole time.

Wanting to feel at least a little pleasure and chase away the burn and ache, Heero shifted with each inward slide until Duo's arousal brushed over his prostate. A tingle of pleasure broke over his nerves. A little too brief and a little too gentle to feel really good. Clenching his internal muscles, he pushed harder with his legs.

Duo took the hint. His next inward thrust directly struck Heero's prostate, and that felt good. Not enough to chase away the pain, but apparently Duo was watching his face because now the long-haired boy angled his hips the same way each thrust. In a few moments the pain melted to the background, still there but muted and barely noticeable. Duo slid his arms under Heero's knees to bend him almost double.

"Don't--" thrust--"ever--" thrust--"leave--" thrust--"me," his lover panted out.

Heero, having a hard time breathing, looked straight into indigo pools. "I won't," he gasped out. "And . . . you never--nnh--leave me . . ."

Duo didn't reply, and even though his body thrummed with pleasure Heero didn't miss it. He opened his mouth to secure Duo's promise, but at that moment Duo's body tensed. As the first rush of liquid heat spilled into Heero, Duo's mouth came crashing down on his. The American let out a long groan, which Heero swallowed. Duo collapsed onto Heero in a boneless tangle, and Heero gratefully lowered his legs to the bed. Having not come himself and still fully hard, Heero shifted so Duo slid out of him and rolled them so Duo lay on the bed on his stomach. His muscles relaxed from orgasm, Heero slid into him with minimal preparation.

Duo moaned into his pillow, still too spent to become aroused.

Heero planted soft, languid kisses across Duo's shoulders. "And you never leave me," he repeated.

He got no answer other than a sort of moan, so he rolled his hips. He quickly established a shallow rhythm, merely pulsing his hips and not truly thrusting. It quickly brought Duo back to full hardness, and he tried to lift his hips to make Heero move faster. He didn't allow it, keeping him pinned to the bed, slave to Heero's whims and to the pleasure he gave.

"Promise me, Duo."

"Nnh . . . Hee-ro . . ."

Sliding a hand between Duo's body and the bed, he lightly gripped Duo's hardened arousal and squeezed. "Promise me . . ."

-

Much later, Duo sat up in bed long after Heero had fallen asleep. In the darkness he could only just make out the contours of the Japanese boy's face. Beautiful and peaceful in repose. It didn't seem quite fair that Heero had elicited from him a promise to stay amidst the throes of passion. I may run, I may hide, but I never lie. He would keep that promise.

But, he thought, with the beginnings of a faint smile, he didn't consider it a loss on his part. He would keep that promise. He didn't know if he deserved Heero. But he wanted to be with him, and for now, that was enough. That was enough for now.

Owari