THE GREAT BIG "WHAT IF?"
SUMMARY:
Read the title! This happened at 1am beyond my control. The basic premise is, what if Moya had chatrooms… I know. Stupid concept. But who the frell cares?? It's silly, it has no plot whatsoever, and requires very little brain cells to read it! Enjoy!RATING:
PG to PG-13 for, um… cyber-suggestiveness =)DISCLAIMER:
I do not own the characters, but the story is mine… unfortunately…SETTINGS/SPOILERS:
The setting is… um… well, I suppose it has to be AU, doesn't it… All characters included but Zhaan, so figure it out… Um… spoils just about everything. It's just bizarre, really…AUTHOR'S NOTES:
This is NOT my fault. It is partially Eve's fault for quoting randomly at me all night. Pilot's "So sorry…" line was hers. Anyway, I was meant to be writing my "Fractures" fic, and this appeared… It's even got Jool/Crais shipping (Eve made me do it!) because it's just funny. Oh, and I know you spell it "Erp", but I figure John being who he is, and me being too clever for my own good, he'd spell it "Earp" as a reference to Wyatt Earp… Whatever… I think most of the names should be obvious. If anyone's that desperate, I'll put a list up, but it shouldn't be necessary. Um… yes. Read on, and review if you're brave enough. Flames fully expected =)The Great Big "What If?"
© T'eyla Minh 2002
*Room - Terrace - 2 guests*
*Moyapilot has entered the room*
Moyapilot
: Greetings.Earpboy
: Hey Pilot.PKChick
: John, I don't understand the purpose of this…PKChick
: Hello Pilot.Earpboy
: It's meant to be fun, Aeryn, now just play along…Moyapilot
: How is everybody?Earpboy
: I'm good.PKChick
: How is this meant to be fun?Earpboy
: Aeryn, you gotta keep up!PKChick
: Oh, frell you, Crichton… I can't use this keyboard thing…*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*
Bannick_the_Stark
: Hello.Earpboy
: Yo, Stark. Aeryn, you'll get used to it…PKChick
: Hello, Stark.Earpboy
: What's with the name?Bannick_the_Stark
: Zhaan told me to do it.*PKChick rolls eyes*
PKChick
: I'm sure…Moyapilot
: We like your name, Stark.Earpboy
: We? I never said *I* liked it.PKChick
: I think he means him and Moya.Moyapilot
: Officer Sun is right.Earpboy
: You so smart!*Earpboy huggles PKChick*
PKChick
: You should be very glad we're not in the same room, Crichton.Earpboy
: Um… we are…PKChick
: You KNOW what I meant.Bannick_the_Stark
: Did I miss anything important?Earpboy
: Nah.Moyapilot
: Nothing of importance has occurred.Bannick
_the_Stark: Oh, good.Bannick
_the_Stark: I don't understand your name, Aeryn.PKChick
: Crichton chose it. Ask him.Earpboy
: It would take too long. Just live with it.Moyapilot
: I will DRD.PKChick
: DRD??Earpboy
: I think he means BRB.PKChick
: You and your frelling abbreviations…*Moyapilot has left the room*
Earpboy
: Oh, shaddup! It's not like anyone ever told me what DRD stands for, anyway…PKChick
: Your deficient little brain couldn't cope with it…*Earpboy sticks out tongue*
Earpboy
: I thought we'd gone beyond that kind of petty insult.Bannick
_the_Stark: Zhaan would not approve of such bickering…Earpboy
: For God's sake, Stark, shut up! Zhaan's dead. Get over it!Bannick
_the_Stark: No.Bannick
_the_Stark: Not dead.Bannick
_the_Stark: I can hear her…*PKChick slaps Bannick_the_Stark*
Bannick
_the_Stark: Ow.PKChick
: Shut up.*Moyapilot has entered the room*
Earpboy
: Finally! Pilot, please bring some sanity to this place!PKChick
: Yes, please do. I'm the only sane one left in here…Earpboy
: Hey! Just cos you don't have a chip in *your* brain…PKChick
: That's your excuse for everything.Earpboy
: Pilot, you're quiet. Something wrong?*Moyapilot shakes head*
Moyapilot
: Rbrtuyjomh od gomr.PKChick
: ?Earpboy
: Uh… 'kay…Earpboy
: Pilot, what in the name of Kirk *was* that??Moyapilot
: So sorry…Moyapilot
: I appear to have hit the wrong keys…*Earpboy laughs*
Earpboy
: And I thought Aeryn was bad. I dunno, you can pilot a Leviathan, but you can't type…*PKChick beats the dren out of Earpboy*
Earpboy
: Hey! I didn't mean it!PKChick
: Just you wait, Crichton. You're going to pay for that.Earpboy
: Ooh?Earpboy
: Promise or a threat, honey?PKChick
: Both.Earpboy
: Cool.PKChick
: You know I can kick your eema from one end of the UT to the other…Earpboy
: Yeah… I love you too…*PKChick smacks Earpboy upside the head*
Earpboy
: Aeryn, if you keep this up, we'll have to go somewhere else…PKChick
: I'm warning you, John!*Moyapilot separates PKChick and Earpboy*
Moyapilot
: This is most interesting… It appears you all revert into younger versions of yourselves in here.Moyapilot
: I like it. And Moya finds it most amusing.*CapnB has entered the room*
Earpboy
: Evenin' Crais.CapnB
: Is she in here?PKChick
: Is who in here?CapnB
: Jool.Bannick
_the_Stark: We haven't seen her.Earpboy
: Damn, Stark, are you *still* here?? Can't you go and bother Chiana or something?Bannick
_the_Stark: I think I will…*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*
Earpboy
: Finally…CapnB
: But is she in here?Earpboy
: No, Stark was right. She ain't here.*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*
Earpboy
: Well, she wasn't…Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Bialar, are you in here?CapnB
: No.Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Good.*Screaming_Boolite_Girl huggles CapnB*
CapnB
: Will you desist?!Earpboy
: What's the matter, Crais, don't you wuv your lil Joolee any more?CapnB
: Shut up, Crichton.Earpboy
: Why's everyone so against me today?PKChick
: Because you're an idiot…*Eve has entered the room*
*Eve huggles Earpboy*
*Eve has left the room*
Earpboy
: What the frell was that?PKChick
: Yes, what was that?Earpboy
: Oooh! Aeryn's jealous.CapnB
: Oh, are you two *still* doing this? Every frelling time I come in here…Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: That could be us.CapnB
: Go away!*CapnB has left the room*
Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Oh… :*(Moyapilot
: Don't cry, Joolushka. I still like you.Earpboy
: You like everyone.Moyapilot
: No I don't.Moyapilot
: I don't like Peacekeepers.Moyapilot
: Except for Aeryn.Moyapilot
: But she's not really a Peacekeeper…Earpboy
: We get the picture!Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: You like me?Moyapilot
: Yes.Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: That's sweet Pilot. Did you see where Crais went?Moyapilot
: My DRDs are detecting he is in the Apothecary room.Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Thanks, Pilot!*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*
*Minh has entered the room*
Minh
: anyone seen a girl named eve around here?PKChick
: Who are you?Minh
: random fan-girl…Earpboy
: Eve… she came in and hugged me then ran off again. Weird.Minh
: ah… thanks. sorry about that, she thinks you're beautiful.Earpboy
: Me?Minh
: yeah… weird… anyway, did you see where she went?PKChick
: No.Minh
: okay… oh, and you guys had better frellin' hurry up… the shippers are going crazy, you know…Earpboy
: I've been saying the same damn thing for months… um… monens…Minh
: i'm meant to be writing a bloody angstfic! gotta go! john, think angsty thoughts, would ya?*Minh has left the room*
Earpboy
: Pilot, we have GOT to get better security around here…Moyapilot
: Yes. Moya agrees.PKChick
: What are we supposed to be hurrying up with?Earpboy
: I could show you if you'd let me near you…PKChick
: I'm sure. No.Earpboy
: Aw, come *on*! What does it frelling *take* with you?PKChick
: Stick around long enough and you'll find out.Earpboy
: …Earpboy
: I wasn't expecting that.Moyapilot
: Nor was I.*CapnB has entered the room*
Earpboy
: WB, Crais. Didja lose her?*CapnB wheezes*
CapnB
: I believe so. For now.PKChick
: Perhaps if you change your name...CapnB
: That's a good idea.CapnB
: Excuse me a microt.*CapnB has left the room*
*XhalaxSun has entered the room*
PKChick
: That's not funny, Crais.XhalaxSun
: Frell…*XhalaxSun has left the room*
Earpboy
: I guess originality isn't high on his list of priorities.*Talynpilot has entered the room*
Talynpilot
: Sorry, Pilot. Best I could do.Moyapilot
: I do not mind, Captain.*NerriSis has entered the room*
NerriSis
: Hey.Earpboy
: Hey, Chi, how's it hangin'?NerriSis
: Um…*NerriSis looks down*
NerriSis
: Mind your own frellin' business!Earpboy
: I didn't mean… Never mind…PKChick
: I thought you were with D'Argo.NerriSis
: I was… he disappeared. I think Stark was annoying him.PKChick
: So you decided to come and annoy us? How considerate.Talynpilot
: If you see Jool, I'm not here.NerriSis
: Is that Crais?*Earpboy nods*
NerriSis
: Gee. Never woulda guessed…Moyapilot
: Hello, Chiana. Sorry. I was multi-tasking.NerriSis
: Hi, Pilot.Talynpilot
: Remember, I'm not here.Earpboy
: Okay, we got it, you're not here!*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*
Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Did I miss him again?PKChick
: Yes…Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Why does he hate me?? Why?NerriSis
: How many reasons do you want?Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Shut up, Chiana!NerriSis
: No, you shut up!Earpboy
: Hey, ladies?Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: No, you!NerriSis
: You!Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Bitch!NerriSis
: Tralk!Earpboy
: GIRLS!*Moyapilot separates Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*
*Moyapilot is still separating PKChick and Earpboy*
Moyapilot
: I never knew four arms could be so useful.Earpboy
: You're an upholding member of society, Pilot…*PKChick groans*
Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Just out of interest, who's flying the ship?Moyapilot
: I will have to put two of you down.Moyapilot
: Aeryn, John, if you stop fighting, it will be you.Earpboy
: Deal.PKChick
: Yes.*Moyapilot releases Earpboy and PKChick*
Moyapilot
: No more fighting.PKChick
: Thank you, Pilot.Earpboy
: Ditto.Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Pilot, you're hurting me.NerriSis
: Me too.Moyapilot
: I apologise. Do you promise not to fight?*NerriSis nods*
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl nods*
*Moyapilot releases Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*
NerriSis
: Thanks.*NerriSis pulls Screaming_Boolite_Girl's hair*
Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Hey!NerriSis
: If you wanna fight, you're gonna have to catch me first!Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: Fine!*NerriSis has left the room*
Screaming
_Boolite_Girl: FRELL!*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*
*Talynpilot comes out from under the table*
Talynpilot
: Is it safe?PKChick
: All clear, Crais.Earpboy
: Hehehe. The big bad PK Captain is afraid of our little Jool?Talynpilot
: She's insatiable!Earpboy
: She seems to really like you. I can't think why.Talynpilot
: For your information, Crichton, she liked you until she met me…Earpboy
: For your information, Crais, Aeryn liked you until she met me…PKChick
: For your information, I don't like either of you.Moyapilot
: Do you like me?PKChick
: Of course, Pilot.Talynpilot:
Why don't you like me?PKChick
: Would you settle for "Irreversibly contaminated"?? Or would you prefer another reason?Talynpilot
: Fair enough.Earpboy:
Well, fine, but what did I do?PKChick:
Same answer.Earpboy:
Yeah. But I didn't do it on purpose!PKChick:
Actually, I've never liked you, Crichton.Earpboy
: Genetically compatible, babe…PKChick
: You're never going to let me forget that, are you?Earpboy:
Nope.*DominarXVI has entered the room*
Earpboy:
Besides, it was *you* who kissed *me* in the module, not the other way around.PKChick:
You kissed me back!Earpboy:
What, you'd rather I ran away?PKChick:
Well, no… but… stop turning everything I say around!Earpboy:
I'm not!DominarXVI:
Have you no respect?Earpboy:
Hey, Stinky.DominarXVI:
Apparently not.DominarXVI:
If I was back on Hyneria, people would be bowing down! They'd be subservient, and obey my every command!Earpboy:
Um, sure, whatever, Ryge…Earpboy:
Aeryn, I'm not turning everything you say around! I'm just saying, it was *your* fault!PKChick:
It's never my fault, Crichton…Earpboy:
I know you only blame me to make yourself feel big…Talynpilot:
Is this going to go on much longer?PKChick:
No, I only blame you because it's always your fault.Earpboy:
Ouch…DominarXVI:
Will you two just frell and get it over with! You're driving us all fahrbot!Earpboy:
That's the best advice you've given all day, Sparky!DominarXVI:
I think I'm going to vomit.*DominarXVI has left the room*
*HeavyD has entered the room*
Earpboy:
Hey, D'Argo.Moyapilot:
Hello, Ka D'Argo.Talynpilot:
Likewise.HeavyD:
Finally!PKChick:
What?HeavyD:
The frelling thing wouldn't let me in! I think Chiana did something.PKChick:
Ah…PKChick:
That would explain why she wasn't with you earlier…Earpboy:
I'd give the girl some credit. She caught on the fastest out of all of you. Imagine… Chi's already a prime hacker, Crais is changin' names like there's no tomorrow, and Pilot's doing actions.Earpboy:
Aeryn, I thought you were meant to be the smart one!*PKChick
smacks Earpboy*Earpboy:
Exactly how many bruises are you trying to make?PKChick:
46.Earpboy:
WHY?PKChick:
Dunno. Seems like a good number.Earpboy:
Fine… how many are you up to?PKChick:
10.Earpboy:
10?PKChick:
10.HeavyD:
Can I add some?Earpboy:
No you frelling can't!HeavyD:
Why not?PKChick:
You'll damage him.Earpboy:
Um… and you *can* damage me… why?PKChick:
I'm your grunt, remember?Earpboy:
What IS that, anyway?PKChick:
Doesn't matter.PKChick:
Anyway, D'Argo can't damage you, because if he does, there'll be nothing left for *me* to damage…*HeavyD laughs*
Moyapilot:
I could hold him steady for you, if you wish.PKChick:
Thank you, Pilot. It won't be necessary…Talynpilot:
I'd add some bruises myself, but I'd rather just watch…Earpboy:
Thanks. All gang up on the Human…Earpboy:
Ew, Crais!Talynpilot:
What?Earpboy:
Oh… sorry. I thought you meant something else…*PKChick slaps Earpboy*
Earpboy:
That makes 11...PKChick:
You're disgusting.*NerriSis has entered the room*
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*
HeavyD:
Chiana!!NerriSis:
Uh-oh…HeavyD:
What the frell did you do?? It took me seventeen attempts to get in here!NerriSis:
I didn't do anything!Earpboy:
Does anybody else *not* believe her?PKChick:
Me.Talynpilot:
And me.Moyapilot:
I know for a fact it was Chiana. I just do not know how.NerriSis:
Pilot!Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Oooh! Busted.NerriSis:
Shut your FRELLING mouth!Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
No.Talynpilot:
Here we go again…Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Bialar???*Screaming_Boolite_Girl giggles happily and tackle hugs Talynpilot*
Talynpilot:
Oh, no…Talynpilot:
Uh, I mean… Bialar who?Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
I know it's you.Talynpilot:
It's not me… um… him. I don't know who you are.PKChick:
You're such a terrible liar, Crais… even when we can't hear you.Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
I *knew* it was you!Talynpilot:
Thank you, Aeryn. Thank you so very much…Earpboy:
Ooh, I love it when you stab your ex-Captain in the back…PKChick:
You know, those other 35 bruises could turn into a stab wound of your own…Earpboy:
Point taken.*Earpboy surrenders*
Earpboy:
I'm all yours.NerriSis:
You're frelled… :DEarpboy:
Chance would be a fine thing…*DominarXVI has entered the room*
DominarXVI:
Oh, please, are you STILL at it?HeavyD:
Rygel, there's stuff missing from my quarters. I want it back by tomorrow or that throne sled will be riding *you*.DominarXVI:
Frell you, Luxan. Why don't you try Chiana's quarters?Moyapilot:
It wasn't Chiana.NerriSis:
Thanks, Pilot! You know I love you, really…*Minh has entered the room*
PKChick:
You again?? How are you getting in?Minh:
beats me…Minh:
anyhoo, i was wondering if you guys could, um, get out of my brain for a microt?Earpboy:
I wasn't aware we were in there…Minh:
oh, yeah, you are. trust me. it's just, it's like one in the frelling morning, and i want to go to bed, and i have to finish this damn thing first. so, could you all vamoose? skidaddle? scarper?PKChick:
John, I get the impression you're the only one this makes any sense to…Minh:
get the frell outta here!Earpboy:
Okay, geez! Just give us a few minutes…Minh:
you've had arns… oh, fine… you've got 120 microts, then it ends whether you're out or not.*Minh has left the room*
HeavyD:
Who was that?Earpboy:
Looooong story.HeavyD:
Well, I have to go anyway. Rygel, you'd better pray you get to your quarters before me…Earpboy:
Bye, dude.*HeavyD has left the room*
*DominarXVI has left the room*
Talynpilot:
I should go, too…Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
If you're going, I'm going.Talynpilot:
Crichton, I hold you personally responsible for this…*Talynpilot has left the room*
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*
Moyapilot:
I have multi-tasking to attend to. Goodbye, Aeryn, Commander.PKChick:
Goodbye, Pilot.Earpboy:
See ya.*Moyapilot has left the room*
NerriSis:
I don't suppose either of you guys want me around… And anyway, if I'm last to leave, the entire thing will crash.Earpboy:
Woo! Go, Chi!NerriSis:
I thought you'd like that. Have fun, you two!*NerriSis has left the room*
Earpboy:
I guess that just leaves us…PKChick:
Yes… we've overstayed our 120 microts.Earpboy:
As it's us, I think she'll let us off.PKChick:
I suppose.PKChick:
John?Earpboy:
Yeah?PKChick:
Where exactly are you?Earpboy:
I was going to ask you the same thing. Seems kinda pointless now, doesn't it?PKChick:
Yes. I'm in Command.Earpboy:
I'm… on the actual Terrace.PKChick:
Stay there.Earpboy:
Why?PKChick:
I have a surprise for you.Earpboy:
Is it more bruises?PKChick:
Maybe… maybe not…Earpboy:
Interesting…Earpboy:
Okay, I'll stay put.PKChick:
And I'll be right there.*PKChick has left the room*
Earpboy:
Whaddaya know… online romances *do* work after all…*Earpboy has left the room*
*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*
Bannick_the_Stark:
Hello?Bannick_the_Stark:
Oh…Blue:
Hello, Stark.Bannick_the_Stark:
Zhaan?!Blue:
Yes, Stark. I have been here the whole time.Bannick_the_Stark:
I knew it! I knew it I knew it! They didn't believe me!Blue:
Stark?Bannick_the_Stark:
Yes?Blue:
You're doing it again…Bannick_the_Stark:
It's another hallucination?Blue:
I'm afraid so.Bannick_the_Stark:
Oh…*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*
*Room - Terrace - no guests*
Thank God that's all over. You have no idea how long it wanted to be… If you're all still alive and coherent, please review. Thank you. If you review, I promise not to do this again…