A/N: Hey, guys! Been awhile, hasn't it? Sorry about that, but over the holidays – I live up north – we got hit by a massive snowstorm and my internet went out. I didn't have a chance to fix it before the holidays came by, and then I was traveling. But, as I'm also starting the new semester on Monday, I got it fixed, so we'll be resuming regular weekly updating barring any further technological complications starting Monday the 11th. Thank you so much for your patience.

In other news, as I've really been out of the game for a while, I'm posting some additional fanfiction (nothing in the Buffy/Angel 'verse, though) as a sort of happy holidays/return to regular programming gift – a new part of my ongoing set of pure fluff Harry Potter ficlets titled "The Summer Series," as well as the beginnings of both a new Charmed and a new Dollhouse story that I'm writing. The next part in my alternate-season-one Xander/Angel stories is also being written as I type this author's note, so that just might see the light of the internet by the end of the week if I've edited it to my satisfaction by that point. If you check my profile, this chapter update as well as the other stories should be available before midnight on Monday the 11th. Thanks again for your patience, as I know that me and my technological bumbling test it often.

Without making you wait any further:

Crystal

Chapter 2: The Here and the Now

Rome wasn't built in a day,

So I'm not trying to say

That we'll be best friends right away, no;

But, I do recall better times,

So I'll just toss up the die

I'm taking my chances on faith...

.

And I'll let my guard come on down

'Cause I want your love around

.

I'm walking away

From my past pride

The here and the now's

What we'll make right

And if we get to see the morning light

Well, that's one more day we're blessed to try

So let's give our love a chance to try

"The Here and the Now" by Sam & Ruby (The Here and the Now)

Xander woke up to the smell of scrambled eggs, and he muzzily lifted his head to see that he was in his living room, the clock on the TV glowing out a sadistic seven o'clock in the morning. The hell? Xander wondered, and then last night rushed back to him like sunrise and suddenly he was smiling and the birds were singing and he felt somewhat gay at that last thought so he swung his legs out and stretched.

Angel's head appeared around Xander's kitchen doorway and he smiled to see Xander there, looking almost childish with his sleep-mussed hair and hazy grin on his face to the smell of cooking coming from the kitchen. "Do you want ketchup or syrup with your eggs?" Angel asked.

"I want to pee," Xander decided, and hurried to the bathroom. Angel shook his head fondly as he went back to the frying pan.

Two years ago, Xander had stayed over at Angel's apartment for the night. That morning Angel had kissed him awake, and they'd ducked and dodged around each other as they'd gotten coffee and gotten ready for the day. There had been such a comfort, a hominess, to each other's closeness, a feeling that they'd been living together for years. When Xander emerged from the bathroom he felt completely natural walking into the kitchen and around Angel as he helped him set the table on the balcony for two. Angel seemed to have made himself familiar with Xander's kitchen as he'd cooked, and he set the coffee up as Xander set the table and threw the egg and bacon trash away.

They couldn't seem to stop grinning like fools at each other as they "accidentally" brushed against each other when they passed, cleaning up after each other and then laying the food out. Xander poured coffee and orange juice and they toasted each other almost shyly as they started in on the spread.

"I didn't know you could cook breakfast," Xander said as he bit into a spicy-made egg.

"It's about the only thing that I actually know how to cook without blowing up the kitchen, so I figured I'd pull the big guns out to impress you," Angel admitted, blushing. Xander hid his smile as he buttered his toast. For a moment there was silence while they ate, watching the sun slowly start to rise over Phoenix. "I can see why you sprung for the balcony," Angel said, taking a sip of juice. "I thought it would be noisier than this by now."

"We're not really in Phoenix proper," Xander explained. "I wanted to be in the suburbs – I'm not quite big city yet. Don't really think that I ever will be."

"I thought you might have grown away from us small-town hicks," Angel joked, his foot nudging Xander's under the table.

"I tried, but you came and found me anyway," Xander joked back, stroking the top of Angel's foot with his own. Angel grinned and looked down, finishing up his food, but he didn't move his foot, and neither did Xander. There was a comfortable sort of silence for a moment as the sun shone through the windows. After breakfast, they both moved to clean, and again Xander was struck by the simple domesticity of it all as the dishes were cleaned and the table cleared. It was a pattern that he would love to be comfortable falling into. It was almost frightening, just like the kiss last night.

"What's wrong?" Angel asked him, almost psychically aware of Xander's mood shift. Xander smiled at him in a sad sort of way and filled up two coffee mugs and headed out for the balcony. Angel took his hand on the table and stayed silent as they drank.

"It's just..." Xander started after a moment."In Sunnydale, so much of me was devoted to getting out, you know? It was my big dream to get to college, to do something other than what my parents had mapped out for me. And now, it feels almost like it's still mapped out – like you're mapped out for me, and it's so easy to feel...just like I did two years ago, but...but, I'm not that teenager anymore."

"So...you don't want to see me," Angel mumbled, looking down, which was sort of funny because he was still half a head taller than Xander and Xander found himself chuckling at how much like an abashed puppy Angel resembled.

"No, I'm saying that I don't understand what's happening any more than you do," Xander responded. "I don't know what comes next, but for the past two years I have known what comes next. It's frightening. That doesn't mean that I don't want it, though." He stepped into Angel's personal space, forcing Angel to look him in the eyes. Angel smiled, still looking somewhat abashed, and Xander lightly kissed his cheek, letting his head rest against Angel's, lingering, but not overly intimate. Angel's arms wrapped around him loosely, but Xander could break away if he chose – in fact, Xander could end everything now, if he chose, and he knew that Angel would respect that.

Xander chose.

Angel kissed him back, humming a blissful sort of tune in the back of his throat, and Xander thought distractedly that he'd have to ask Angel how he managed to hum while his tongue was lightly tasting Xander's mouth, but then he lost the rest of the thoughts in his head while the burning, brilliantly bright sunlight rose over Phoenix.

888

"Show me how you do that trick—

The one that makes me scream," she said

"The one that makes me laugh," she said,

And threw her arms around my neck

.

"Show me how you do it,

And I promise you, I promise that

I'll run away with you

I'll run away with you"

They ended up in the desert. Angel held Xander's hand the entire drive out there, still in his old, beat-up black convertible. They didn't talk, nor did they have to, other than Xander giving him directions to his favorite mesa. The sharp scent of cacti and creosote burned in Xander's nostrils, and he smiled as it overpowered the smog of the city. One thing he'd never gotten used to, living in such a larger city, was the near-constant smell of pollution, or how it could sometimes overpower everything else. The air of the desert was clean.

"Do you remember the last time we were in the desert together?" Angel asked him, after they'd settled on the hood of his car, watching the heat waves rise over the sand.

"You gave me this," Xander whispered, clenching Angel's hand tighter, so that Angel could feel his claddagh ring. Xander had never taken it off, not since the night that Angel had given it to him.

"You didn't take it off," Angel said happily.

"You told me that it was a promise," Xander reminded him. This was what this day had been wrapping towards, he realized, this conversation. So much hinged on it.

"I meant what I said," Angel said firmly. "I haven't taken mine off. Not since that night."

"Angel..." Xander sighed his name like a prayer, and maybe it was, the desert a temple, the sun like God's eye, the heat a sort of baptism.

"Xander, I've never, ever felt about anyone or anything the way that I feel about you. When I see you, it's like the rest of the world falls away," Angel said, sitting up. He drew Xander up so that they were both sitting cross-legged, facing each other. "These last two years, it's like I've been doing so much cleaning up in my life, like I was just...waiting for you to come home. I feel complete when I'm with you, and unless I'm wrong, you feel the same way about me."

"You're not wrong," Xander said simply. There were times, in his memory, when Xander was afraid that he'd over-exaggerated Angel in his memory, that the sensation of drowning in Angel's soulful brown eyes was just that – hyperbole, but it wasn't, and his memories weren't false. Angel was as beautiful as he remembered; or, actually, he was more. "You don't look like I remember you," he said aloud.

"What do you mean?" Angel asked, smiling bashfully. He hadn't let go of Xander's hand, though.

"You don't look haunted anymore," Xander said, running his free hand slowly over the carved planes of Angel's handsome face, watching Angel's eyes drift closed in pleasure. "You look...free, somehow."

"I am," Angel nodded, opening his eyes. He pressed a gentle kiss against Xander's palm. "After you left, I realized that you weren't the only one who needed time, to grow up, to get it together. I moved out of the old apartment. It just didn't feel right anymore."

"Where do you live now?" Xander asked curiously.

"Well, I stayed in a small apartment under Wesley's business for a few months, actually, while I was still going to school. After...what happened with Drusilla, he let her go. He gave me free rent and actually paid me to help him out on some cases, with Cordelia."

"Hold the phone – Cordelia Chase works at a private investigator's office?" Xander asked incredulously.

"She's changed quite a bit – or, just become more what she was underneath it all, anyway," Angel nodded. "She started off as a secretary, but it's really her that runs the place now, especially now that Wesley's married. You'd really like Fred, actually; she reminds me of Willow."

"Wesley didn't strike me as playing for the home team," Xander said, surprised. Angel chuckled and drew Xander back down to laying down, curled into Angel's chest.

"Fred is a girl. Her name is Winifred. For obvious reasons, she shortened it," Angel explained. Xander sniggered into Angel's chest and Angel pressed a kiss against Xander's forehead. "Do you want to hear how the rest of them are doing? I know that you don't get a lot of news from the post box."

"You checked the post box, too?" Xander asked shyly.

"I have a picture of Mr. July hanging in my kitchen," Angel said slyly.

"Oh, jeeze," Xander moaned, hiding his blush in Angel's chest.

"I thought it was fairly sexy, too, with your tool belt and not much else on..." Angel continued meanly.

"It was for charity, okay?! Charity!"

"I'd like to join that charity," Angel went on. Xander shot him a glare.

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" he demanded with a mock snarl.

"It's not so often I have the moral high hand over you, my beautiful golden boy," Angel said with a laugh, lightly drawing a finger over Xander's golden, sun-kissed skin. "I'm going to be holding this over your head for months." Xander thrilled at the thought of the two of them together for months, but they hadn't reached that part of the conversation yet, so he let it rest with a smile, and Angel followed suit.

"As you were saying," Xander said grandly after a moment, or he would have but a bit of wind kicked sand in his mouth and he started coughing as Angel laughed at him. Xander sighed. "I can't win," he muttered, leaning back into Angel. Angel chuckled, not meanly, as he lightly ran a hand through Xander's hair. Xander would have purred if he could.

Spinning on that dizzy edge

I kissed her face, I kissed her head

Dreamed of all the different ways

I had to make her glow

.

"Why are you so far away?" she said

"Why won't you every know

That I'm in love with you—

That I'm in love with you?"

"As I was saying," Angel said pompously. Xander poked him in the stomach and Angel muttered something into his hair and tightened his grip on Xander's shoulders. "Wesley, Fred, Cordelia and one of their friends named Charles Gunn all work together at Angel Investigations. Cordelia won't allow them to change the name, but Wes did at least put a stop to her wanting to use my face on their advertisements, thank god." Angel gave an eloquent shudder as Xander laughed at him.

"Willow and Tara have just built their first expansion on the Magic Box. You should see that place, Xander; it's enormous. They keep getting all these customers from out of nowhere. They built an apartment loft above the store, so they don't leave except to go to school. Mr. Giles runs the store for them during the day. He left the high school after you guys graduated. He said that he lost the taste for students, but everyone's pretty sure that it's just because he's practically adopted Buffy since her father pulled his vanishing act."

"How is Buffy doing with that? Joyce made it sound like she's coping," Xander asked hesitantly.

"Well, Joyce certainly didn't shed any tears in public – not that she'd ever let the Sunnydale gossip hounds see her with her head down," Angel commented, sounding amused. "She's still holding everyone together at her house like she's running hostel. We all come and go when she commands. I think she's holding Thanksgiving at her house this year, actually. Buffy took it pretty hard, but she's trying pretty hard to play it off like it was nothing."

"I was so sorry that I missed her wedding," Xander whispered.

"They understand, you know, Xander," Angel said unexpectedly. "Why you had to leave. They aren't mad at you, if that's what you're afraid of. In fact, Cordy, Buffy and Willow all went through a few months at college where they barely spoke to each other. Everyone was just trying to figure their own lives out, and you needed to do that somewhere that wasn't Sunnydale. I missed her wedding; I was still going to therapy and I didn't think that I was going to make it through without managing to find some way to blame all of Buffy's problems on me and our brief relationship."

"You went to therapy?" Xander asked, turning and repositioning himself so that he was staring into Angel's eyes.

"Yeah," Angel said lightly. "After you left, and I moved out of my apartment. I waited until I'd done all my prerequisite courses in college, and I was living on my own once I was making a steady paycheck, and then I started. My doctor's name is Jenny Calendar; she's pretty good. Well, she's really good. I didn't realize how much of myself I didn't like, or how much I was just keeping inside, hating myself. She drew it out of me. She got me smiling again, the way that you did. That's why I didn't look for you for so long."

They were approaching what they were really talking about, Xander knew, and he smiled at Angel encouragingly. "I just wanted you to know, Xander, that I couldn't keep my promise and find you until I'd found myself. I didn't want you to still be picking up the pieces of my life. I wanted to keep the promise I made to you when I gave you that ring and really be there for you, and for us. I want there to be an us, Xander; I want it bad," Angel confessed.

Xander felt almost dizzy, like he was living in the now but also in a small, dingy apartment three years back, when he'd first kissed Angel, all that while ago. There was that same sense now, that they were both in a bubble that was holding the whole world back, and there was nothing there but the two of them. This time, Xander was not a frightened boy who didn't know or understand what he was feeling. Now, Xander was himself, more than he'd ever been. He knew what he wanted and what he felt, and why he was here, now, in this sunlight and this warmth rushing through his body, it meant something. This time, Xander kissed Angel, and Angel sighed and pulled him closer, until two people were becoming one.

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely

You, strange as angels

Dancing in the deepest oceans

Twisting in the water—

You're just like a dream

.

Daylight licked me into shape

I must have been asleep for days

I moved my lips to breathe her name

I opened up my eyes

"I knew that you would come for me, one day," Xander said after a time. "I just...I didn't really know what I wanted when I was in high school. All I knew was that I loved you, and that I'd met you for a reason. But it wasn't...it wasn't all healthy, you know, the way that I felt about you?" He struggled to put it into words, but Angel was listening intently, and he was smiling encouragingly, not judging him, just letting him get everything out. Xander gave him a grateful look and squeezed his hand again as he looked out into the desert for inspiration.

"The thing is, I didn't just love you, I loved what you were," he said finally. "You were like this force, you know, pulling people in and giving me all the freedom that I didn't have. And I needed to find that freedom for myself instead of just letting you find it for me. So I couldn't call or write to you, when all I wanted some nights was to hear your voice, because I knew that I'd be using you as a crutch instead of learning to stand on my own two feet."

"I understand," Angel said quietly. "That's actually what Jenny told me, you know, when I didn't talk about you at first in our sessions, that I was keeping you like a crutch to fall back on. It took me a while to trust her enough to talk to her about you at all. It just seems so unbelievable, sometimes, the way that I met you and everything that happened after."

"Everything happens for a reason," Xander said simply. "After everything, I firmly and truly believe that. And I know now that I love you, just you, and that it isn't selfish anymore. I don't love you for me, I love you for you, if that makes sense at all."

"It makes perfect sense," Angel whispered. He kissed him again. Angel's kisses had changed, too, and Xander loved how they didn't feel desperate, anymore, the way they once had. It was so pleasurable, but there wasn't a pressure of sex anymore, there was just space to feel behind those kisses, and it was even more beautiful than it was before. They were forging something new between them, and it was good, blessed, even. "I love you, Xander."

"I love you, Angel," Xander returned, and they laid back against the car and watched the sun rise higher. There wasn't anything else to say. There was just the heat and the warmth and the sound of the wind whispering to them, a secret song for only lovers to hear.

I found myself alone, alone

Alone above a raging sea

That stole the only girl I loved,

And drowned her deep inside of me

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely

You, just like heaven...

888

They had dinner together back at Xander's apartment. Xander cooked dinner as Angel was looking very skeptically at an easy-fry bag, and Xander feared for his crockery, which he'd been forced to invest in. Looking sheepish, Angel vowed to buy dessert as revenge and vanished for a few minutes to the nearest store. He came back with Ben n' Jerry's Karmel Sutra. Xander had stared for nearly a minute. "I can't believe that you remembered," he said after a moment. He was surprised at the warm, fuzzy feeling going through his stomach at the thought.

"Those nights, with you, going out, and the lunch dates...Xander, you were the first spark of sunlight on my life in a very, very long time. I remember everything about those dates," Angel said quietly, ducking his head again, which wasn't enough to stop Xander seeing how his eyes were glittering. Xander quietly put the dessert away in the freezer and went back to cooking.

They ate out on the balcony again, after the sun had set. The lights of the city flickered on around them, bathing them in electric fire to match the candlelight that Xander had set up in the middle of the table. "One last question, really," Xander said, forking in some noodles (he'd made pasta). "How did you find me, when you did come?"

"It wasn't hard, really. I remember that you told me that the phoenix was your favorite fairy tale when you were a kid, that a mermaids. I ruled out you moving to an island because those are expensive, so that left Phoenix. After that I just called the company that did your calendar and made sure that you actually were living in the city," Angel explained.

"You did pick up on some PI tricks from Wesley," Xander said, weirdly turned on at the thought. Angel caught the look in his eyes and blushed a fiery crimson, which was an interesting sight considering how pale Angel was. Xander took a quick bite of meatball. "What do you do now, for work?" he asked, partly to make conversation and partly to cover up his own embarrassment.

"Well, I still do some jobs with Wesley. I get financial aid to go to college, and I'm working on my degree to work with different decorating companies, making designs. I've sold some artwork here and there along the way," Angel said. "I'm not doing too bad for myself, all things considered."

"I've got a lot of experience in construction. I figure I can find plenty of jobs in Sunnydale when I apply at the college, now that I've got my GED," Xander said casually, drinking some milk. Then, what he'd said registered, that and the fact that Angel was staring at him, his eyes wide.

Do you ever have that dream

Where you're walking naked down the street—

And everyone just stares?

Do you ever feel so deep

That you speak your mind

But others stray to sleep—

And you wonder if anybody cares?

Angel was moving before Xander could really blink and he was kneeling next to Xander's chair, staring up at him almost as if he were proposing, and Xander tried to ignore how hard his heart fluttered at the thought. "Do you mean it, Xander? Really mean it? You want to come back?"

Did he? Was it as inevitable as it seemed? No, not inevitable – that was how Xander had been thinking of this. It was more...meant. The phoenix was the symbol of rebirth, of a life burned to ashes and new hope rising from the remains, much like the Lord Christ Himself. He'd done his time in Phoenix, Xander realized, and he'd said goodbye. There was new life, new light to be found elsewhere, and there was a brilliant, strong, kind, and beautiful man who loved him – really loved him – who wanted to find it with him, and that meant more to Xander than anything else.

"No," he said, taking Angel's hands in his. He slid off of his seat and knelt next to Angel, their foreheads touching, a connection, a promise between them flowing like faith and trust. "I want to go back with you." It was important to make that distinction, and it was apparently important to both of them, because Angel was kissing him with just a touch of that old desperation, but it was an anchor, a promise that they had the rest of their lives to keep and Xander held Angel tight while his heart beat like a drum.

Do you ever go downstairs

To start your day, but your car's not there?

Yeah, you know the joke's on you

Do you ever try your luck

With a pick-up line, but you just sucked?

You tell yourself it wasn't you

They cleaned the kitchen together, trading jokes, smiles, casual touches and easy glances. Xander found himself cataloging the things about his apartment that he was going to miss, but there weren't as many as he'd thought. What he could get used to was the way that Angel got the tired old dishwasher to work on the first try, or the way that colliding next to the sink turned into a caress, or how reaching up to get the dish soap turned into a kiss.

It wasn't about sex, a real relationship, Xander mused. It was about the simple things, the joy of being with each other, the domesticity of living together. This was something he was looking forward to getting used to. There were still questions to be answered, and battles to be won, but somehow, with Angel by his side, Xander had a feeling that he'd still be standing in the end.

It's all a state of mind

But I don't mind

Trying to find a way to keep my head above

The mess I've made

Of what the world creates—

And sometimes it feels so good

To let it all fall

As it will fall

I will fall

We all will fall

And then the world comes tumbling

Down, down, down, down, down

They still slept in separate rooms that night, which felt right. Xander knelt by his sofa and closed his eyes that night. Dear Lord, thank you. Thank you for...everything, everything that I don't deserve and for letting me help those that deserve but don't get. Thank you for Angel, for love, for everything. Let me find that home I've been dreaming of in Sunnydale. Show me the way. Xander closed his eyes listening to Angel's breaths from the next room, and he fell asleep with a smile on his face as he dreamed not of the past but the future, a future that suddenly seemed bright, clean, and blessed.

I'm bare naked

And I just can't take it

I'm getting jaded; no, I just can't fake it anymore

'Cause I'm

Bare naked

And I know

Life's what you make it

Wish I could float away

To some other day...

A/N: I've sort of sewn in my own love of the desert into this story, so sorry if that shines through too much. I'm reading this back and it feels sort of rushed, which I hope it doesn't come out as, so if there are any problems with it please tell me in the reviews so that the next chapter can get better editing. In any case, there are major props given to "Just Like Heaven;" though I did listen to the other songs during this chapter, I literally had "Just Like Heaven" on repeat for 4/5 of the chapter while I was writing it.

Coming Next Week: It's road trip time! Xander and Angel have some bonding moments on the road home, and Tara gets some time to reflect on the past two years before she makes a momentous decision.

Songs used in this chapter:

"The Here and the Now" by Sam & Ruby (from The Here and the Now)

"Just Like Heaven" by The Watson Twins* (from True Blood: The Soundtrack to the HBO Original Series)

"BareNaked" by Jennifer Love Hewitt (from BareNaked)

*This version of "Just Like Heaven" is a very slow, down-tempo southern-style version of this song, complete with piano, acoustic guitar, and harmonica, sung by female vocals. It's the most incredibly relaxing, beautiful love ballad I have. It's important to note that I used this version, because the original song is by The Cure, and it's an up-tempo punk rocker. Either way, it's an amazing song, but if you use the original by The Cure, it won't fit into the music choices for the rest of this chapter at all. But still, probably my favorite Cure song that I've ever heard. This version of "Just Like Heaven" is also available on their mainstream debut album Fire Songs.*