Disclaimer: Spock and Star Trek sadly do not belong to me. Gene Roddenberry gets props for creating the Trek universe and the original characters. JJ Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman get props for redefining the Star Trek characters in the alternate universe.

A/N: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.

After the large reviewer response to my KIRK model (wow THANK YOU everyone, that was unexpected!!) I decided Kirk's partner (in crime) Commander Spock needed an owner's manual, and this is the end result.

One again, it gets kind of slashy (K/S) near the end so if that's not your thing, don't read it. Thank you.

Warning: Cussing (f-word) and rampant sarcasm. Also, some "facts" may be invalid.

.~.

Commander Spock: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a COMMANDER SPOCK unit!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your SPOCK will give you decades of quality performance.

INSTALLATION

When you receive your SPOCK, be sure to raise the artificial temperature at least ten degrees so he does not become chilled. It is not necessary to remove any clothes at this time.

Your SPOCK should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the SPOCK unit.

(a) SPOCK 1.0 (copyright Roddenberry/Nimoy, 1966)

(b) SPOCK 2.0 (copyright Abrams/Quinto, 2009)

Note: This Owner's Manual refers to SPOCK 2.0, bearing a strong resemblance to one Zachary Quinto.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: S'Chn T'Gai Spock, cha Sarek

Rank: Commander, First Officer, Science Officer

Starship: U.S.S. Enterprise

Home Planet: Vulcan

Home Town: Shi'Kahr

Species: Half human, half Vulcan. Note - Identifies as Vulcan.

Manufacturers: Ambassador Sarek and Amanda Grayson

Site of Manufacture: Vulcan Science Academy, Dean's office

Height: 6 ft 2 in

Weight: insufficient data

Hair Color: Dark Brown

Eyes: Brown or chocolate, your choice

OPERATING PROCEDURE

Your SPOCK unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in Vulcan or Standard. (He is fluent in both.)

Remember that your SPOCK is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.

Intelligence Quotient:

This Vulcan's IQ is off the scale! He can recall facts and complex formulas on cue, so if you want to dazzle your friends, take him with you to your next geek party. He will be a guaranteed winner at Trivial Pursuit but will most likely find the game 'Battle of the Sexes' to be illogical.

Combat:

Your SPOCK unit is programmed with multiple defense techniques, including Vulcan martial arts discipline known as Suss Mahn. While he abhors violence on principle, he will not hesitate to use force if someone tries to threaten someone he loves. Remember, "yo-mama" jokes in his presence are a no-no, especially those that start with "yo mama's so dead..." Please endeavor to remember he has the strength to crush your windpipe if he so chooses.

Mind melding:

Mind melds are very intimate encounters for Vulcans, so do not be offended if your SPOCK unit hesitates at first. (Make sure he is set to the 'friendly' mode - he will be most obstinate in this matter if he is set in 't'hy'la' mode, trust me on this.) When sharing minds with your SPOCK, do not be afraid to let go of your outer defenses. He will not hurt you, he can be gentle if he wants to! On the contrary, you will more than likely enjoy the experience very much. Vulcans aren't known for their mind-blowing sexual prowess without a reason. Literally.

Logic:

Your SPOCK can offer the logical point of view on any matter that happens to be troubling you. The odds are his conclusions are mathematically sound. Just don't go to the guy for relationship advice – he hasn't exactly admitted he has emotions yet.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:

Your SPOCK has a quick, non-violent method for dispatching your enemies and pesky siblings alike – all he has to do is apply pressure to a specific point on their neck, and voila! They're unconscious for the rest of the day. Convenient, yes?

Lying:

Vulcans do not lie – but this one knows how to omit the truth. He can convince your parents that you were studying with him at the library until the wee hours of the night, when the truth is you were having a secret rendezvous with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Colorful Metaphors:

The SPOCK unit has a large selection of colorful metaphors in his arsenal, and may drop them at the most inopportune times (like when you're having lunch with your ninety year old Grandma). Be sure to instruct him as to the times when it is appropriate to use such language.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find that your SPOCK is compatible with most other humans and Vulcans. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your SPOCK in conjunction with any human model other than the KIRK 2.0 (Pine) unit.

Note: Unless you're a het fan. Then by all means, consult the UHURA model. However, you'll have to consult the het manual for troubleshooting issues, I can't help you there.

The maintenance of a SPOCK unit as an attachment to a KIRK unit is generally not problematic after the first few hours. The SPOCK and KIRK models have three modes of interaction:

(a) Hostile

(b) Friendly

(c) T'hy'la

WARNING: It is essential that both the SPOCK and KIRK units be set to the same interaction mode. If the SPOCK model is set to 'Friendly' while the KIRK is set to 'T'hy'la', your Vulcan could be mentally scarred for life, especially if they attempt a meld.

ACCESSORIES

The items with which your SPOCK comes equipped, depend on which edition of the Vulcan you have purchased.

SPOCK 1.0 : Wears science blue Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots. Lirpa optional. Eyeliner not included.

SPOCK 2.0 : Wears science blue Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots. Comes with anger issues intact.

Both editions are equipped with phasers and communicators as well as with considerable shame over being half human. The 2.0 edition comes with a homespun Vulcan sweater his mother knit for him.

CLEANING

Depending on the uses to which you put your SPOCK, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. Use a sonic shower – he finds water showers to be wasteful and illogical. Pay special attention to his ears, it drives him wild if you touch them.

LUBRICATION

To ensure that your SPOCK remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.

Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your SPOCK unit can be provided by the KIRK unit, sold separately.

RECHARGING

After long periods of use, your SPOCK's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your alien-human hybrid:

Food:

Your SPOCK does not eat meat or animal products of any kind in accordance to Vulcan custom. Instead, he prefers fresh fruits and vegetables, as well as certain Vulcan delicacies such as plomeek soup. I also hear from a reliable source that he has an affinity for Italian food.

Drink:

If your SPOCK's energy is almost spent, give him plenty of water to drink. He does not need as much water as a full human, but it is still essential to his health. Don't bother giving him alcohol in an attempt to "loosen him up". He isn't affected by it. However, if you want to get him smashed off his Vulcan ass, give him chocolate. Note: Make sure you consult the McCOY unit for a hangover hypo – you don't want to deal with a cranky Vulcan the next day.

Sleep:

You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your SPOCK needs to function. However, he needs more than the average Vulcan – he cannot go without it indefinitely even if he states otherwise. Research has showed that the efficiency of the SPOCK unit's rest cycle can be augmented or hindered by sharing a bed with the KIRK unit, depending on the day.

REPROGRAMMING

The SPOCK 2.0 can be issued with a revised 'Atlas' (copyright Angel Baby1) program from July 2009. Please see your favorite fanfiction site for details of this upgrade.

It is not possible to reprogram the SPOCK 1.0. His manufacturing was flawless. Discounting outside influence, he wasn't romantically interested in anyone else besides the KIRK 1.0. Now that's perfection!

SECURITY

Thanks to the popularity of the SPOCK unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your Vulcan.

* Have your SPOCK micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who is experienced in the handling of stubborn Vulcans to carry out this procedure. (Any nearby McCOY unit would gladly volunteer.)

* Do not leave your SPOCK unattended in public.

* Do not lend your SPOCK to anyone (e.g. your friends Christine Chapel, Leila Kalomi, Zarabeth, or Droxine).

CAUTION: Your SPOCK may tell you that the safest way to get him through Pon Farr is to lock him alone in his quarters. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with safety. It just means he has suicidal tendencies. If you want your Vulcan to emerge from his ordeal alive, call for the KIRK unit. Immediately.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: I have read in some fanfiction that the SPOCK unit demands rough sex once every seven years in order to survive. Is this true?

A: You're in luck, it is true! Your SPOCK unit's functioning will cease to exist if his sexual/telepathic needs are not met during his mating cycle, known as Pon Farr. You may have no choice but to offer yourself to save his life. Unless, of course, you have a KIRK unit, who will be more than willing to fight you to the death for SPOCK so he has the right to be ravaged senseless.

Q: My SPOCK informed me he has been committing mass murder with the help of his Vulcan Death Grip. Have I been issued a faulty unit?

A: Your SPOCK is not faulty. He's just been yanking your chain. You idiot, there's NO SUCH THING as a Vulcan Death Grip!

Q: My SPOCK has been telling my friends to 'live long and prosper' when it is time for them to go home. However, it sounds like he's telling them to go fuck themselves. How do I get him to act in a more polite manner?

A: Remind him that it is illogical to inject emotion into one's voice. He'll straighten right up.

TROUBLE SHOOTING

Problem: Your SPOCK unit keeps brushing your fingers under the table when you go out to eat together. It's very distracting.

Solution: Your SPOCK is engaging the ritual of Vulcan kisses. (They kiss with their fingers, as they are erogenous zones for Vulcans.) You lucky bastard! How is this a problem?

Problem: Your SPOCK keeps angsting over the death of his mother and the destruction of Vulcan.

Solution: Locate your KIRK unit and instruct him to give your SPOCK some TLC. Don't worry, the KIRK can handle this. After all, he's lost a parent as well, and is well equipped for dealing with your SPOCK's needs.

Problem: Your SPOCK keeps practicing his Vulcan harp until the wee hours of the night and it's interfering with your sleep. You have politely asked him to refrain, but he still refuses to desist.

Solution: Blast Aqua's "Barbie Girl" on a continuous loop directly into his room during his meditation time. He'll stop after that.

Problem: Your SPOCK has been neglecting his duties because he would rather compose Vulcan love poetry for a certain sexy captain.

Solution: Tell him if he doesn't get back to work, you'll send the KIRK unit to the Klingons to test their mind-sifter. He won't risk it.

Problem: Your SPOCK keeps smiling, laughing, and showing blatant displays of affectionate emotion when he's around the KIRK unit in PUBLIC. You start wondering what happened to his Vulcan sensibilities…

Solution: You have been issued SPOCK 1.0 by mistake! Are you sure you don't want to just stick with the classic model? This one didn't loathe the KIRK unit on sight.

Problem: Your SPOCK is exceedingly moody, loathes all heroes with a passion (even the KIRK unit) and keeps insisting that he is special. He also enjoys slicing open people's brains for fun.

Solution: You have accidentally bought a SYLAR unit rather than a SPOCK. Didn't you notice his pointed ears and slanted eyebrows were missing? Those were a big clues, dumbass. If you kept your receipt, you may be able to get a refund. Otherwise your only hope is to breed from him. (Keep an eye out for the ELLE or MOHINDER units.)

Problem: Minutes after you open your SPOCK, your front yard becomes inundated with screaming teenage girls (as well as a few older women) wielding 'Marry Me, Zach!' banners.

Solution: This phenomenon is not unknown with the SPOCK 2.0. Take the following steps:

(1) It essential that you hide your SPOCK. Do not hide him in the bedroom – it is the first place they will look. Do not hide him in the closet either – that's the second place they will look.

(2) Tell the fan-girls that Sylar's Army is having a meet-up at your local cinema, with ZQ as the guest of honor. They will soon disappear.

(3) Tell any remaining fan-girls that you have a SPOCK 1.0. Most of them will lose interest since they probably have only a limited knowledge of how the SPOCK 1.0 model was a sex symbol back in the day. Any that are left are probably quite decent people if they know anything about The Original Series. Invite them in for Romulan Ale and begin a discussion about whether SPOCK and KIRK were bonded before The Motion Picture. While they are arguing, sneak out with your SPOCK and head for the Enterprise where the KIRK unit awaits him in their shared bathroom. Recommend that they lie low for a few days.

ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:

Starfleet Academy

PO BOX 1701

EARTH

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94129

*May you and your SPOCK live long and fuck yourselves.

THE END

A/N: Any questions, comments, concerns about the Spock model? Review and I will do my best to answer/fix them.

No offense intended to nuSpock or ZQ, this was all in fun.

P.S. The more reviews I get for Mission to Gamus, the faster I will post the second part to the shower scene…