Whoo another update! All my chapters seem to be short, but I like where this one ended up character wise. Some of the reviews I used to get complained about how slow the burn was. It's getting a little more heated now.

Chp 56: Getting Better

I slept very well that first night back on the boat; I'm pretty sure I had a nice dream of some sort, cause I woke up feeling very smiley, but I couldn't remember what the dream was.

I did remember kissing General on the cheek the night before though. I stopped mid bite in my breakfast as I thought of that. What, had I been thinking?

Well obviously Kiara, you weren't thinking, dummy. I mean, sure I was grateful for his seemingly looking out for me and saving me from apparently having to fend off…marriage proposals? I'm not really sure what would have been the possible outcomes of these supposed "invitations" that he got us out of, but I honestly was grateful for it. I'm certainly not looking to become anyone's trophy wife/goddess/whatever.

But to kiss him? Sure just on the cheek, but still.

It's probably just because the idea was on my mind, thanks to the topics we had been talking about. Besides, he looked so sad for a moment when Yuri came up. He always got that slight tightening to his eyes and clench in his jaw; it only lasted for like, 0.1 seconds, but I had been watching for it enough that I always saw it.

So it was a thank you and a pity kiss. More thanks than pity. Just a little moment between friends. Which…we sort of were? Frenemies? Well, we could certainly be better friends. It's mostly his fault for needling me that we aren't, but I guess I could try harder to not let it bother me. Maybe.

Anyway, I would finish breakfast, and then go find something to do on the boat as we sailed off for Hattsua. No doubt General would try to bother me more, and I could prove my renewed maturity by not letting it get to me. Hah!

Life on the boat was both refreshing and boring. I didn't have anything to really do, no chores or little princes to look after, so I could relax and enjoy the sun, but that was about it. No movies to watch, no books to read, or scrolls I guess. Which I can't read anyway since I can't understand any of the writing. Ugh, whatever weird magic that let me understand the ancient languages spoken around me really could have extended itself to written language to in my opinion.

But anyway, I wasn't really in the mood to do nothing, so I had wandered around looking for entertainment, and found that the somewhat relaxed pace of our journey made for talkative crewmen. And who would have guessed that after a hasty exit from Egypt, General now seemed in no real hurry to return to Hittite lands. Bet there's no interesting reason behind that.

But I casually followed along as some of the crew tied off ropes, cleaned boat areas, prepared sails, prepared food, and used to water and surroundings to navigate. I was able to pick up a few new tricks—especially rope tying; some of these knots they used were very cool—and had some casual conversations. None of it made me an expert in anything naval related, but it was good to pass the time, and the crewmen didn't seem to mind someone else to talk to and impress. Hey who doesn't like to show off to cute girls?

That was the first few days, and I didn't really see General too much. And this time it wasn't because either of us were avoiding each other; I was just busy finding random things to do, and he seemed to be constantly in his own room apparently reading and writing a lot of important letters—tablets?—according to ship gossip.

That first day I did see him around late afternoon though, as I was on my way to learn about how food was stored and prepared on the boat—I had no intention to touch anything kitchen-wise, but if I knew how it worked then I could better avoid causing any catastrophes.

He was leaving his room and heading up to the top deck, and as I walked by he gave me that smirk and said: "What, no kiss for me today?"

I'm pretty sure I turned very red, but I put my nose up in the air and refused to take the bait: "I'm sure there's a mirror for you to kiss somewhere on the boat." And I kept walking, not wanting to stop and possibly ruin my conviction to be better and not argue with the man all the time.

I'm pretty sure I heard a laugh from him as I walked—not ran—away.

Anyway, the time on the boat seemed to be passing quickly. And I was trying to think of what I could do once we got back to Hattsua. Obviously I would probably be taking care of Deiru again, but surely there would be something else to do right? So I didn't lose my mind? Mostly so far I was just very sure that I would spend more time looking for ways to get home. And maybe seeing if there were orphanages in Hattsua that I could visit; I had loved playing with Seuku, Raku, and the others.

On the third day of our voyage, I found myself participating in sword drills of all things on the deck. I had mentioned wanting to do something exercising to a few of the crew, and they brought out some practice swords and started doing drill movements and practice fights amongst each other and inviting me into it.

Obviously, it's probably not the best idea, I know I'm not good with a sword, but I did want something to do. And maybe I'd be a bit better if Kash and Yuri and everyone else wasn't there to watch me be terrible while they were so perfect.

Well. As it turns out I'm just as terrible when it is strangers watching me as when it's people I know. And besides, General appeared at some point and watched me with an eyebrow raised, and I remembered that my worst critic was in fact on the boat and ready to verbally flay me and my lack of skill to the bone.

I was very red faced, from sweating and embarrassment as the two men from the crew went back to work and General wandered over. Here it goes, he's going to be awful…

"You have some issues with the sword."

Well, that was an understatement, but it wasn't a mean remark at all. I looked at General in surprise, but careful! Sometimes he starts out easy and then says the really mean thing.

"I do believe that's pretty obvious the everyone." Aka, duh.

"You don't have nearly as much trouble with staffs, knives, or hand-to-hand."

Well, that's true. Interesting that he noticed and mentioned that now. I'm still waiting for the mean remark though. "So? Not everyone can be good at everything."

"So you are resigned to never being proficient with a sword, no matter your practice?" his eyebrow raised even higher.

"Well, no, I mean I can practice, but I doubt I'll ever get much better." Which I guess is technically a yes then? And based on the look General gave me, he agreed.

"You've been taught basic forms correct?"

"Yes…" oddly I'm not sure where he's going with this, but it doesn't seem quite like a lead up for horrible commentary.

"Practice them now."

"First of all, you're not my boss, and you didn't say 'please.' Second, why? So you can make fun of me?" Ok, maybe I can't be the better person and not try to start fights with him. Hey, it's practically self-defense to be the one to start the fight with him though. Cause then we get it over with, and we can both be on our way.

But miraculously, he rolled his eyes but didn't take the bait for an argument. "Use the sword please."

Scowling, feeling very self-aware, I swung the sword up and began to move it in a warm up pattern Kash had taught me. It wasn't too complicated, and I moved through it fairly slowly, still not really used to the way a sword was weighted and the length of it.

Personally, I thought a big part of the problem was the way the sword had all the balance and weight on one side, and I just couldn't get the hang of it. Most of my problems seemed to be reaching out and extending the sword and my arm. I had much better control when it was close, but not when I pushed out. Maybe if I had a little sword like a katana or something…

"You are overthinking it."

My hands were out, the sword held up and to the side, but General suddenly speaking from much too close startled me enough to have me step out of my stance and almost fall on my face.

"Dude! Swinging a real sword here! Don't scare me!"

"And just what are you scared of?" he no longer looked as amused or confused or anything by my awful swordsmanship. Now he just seemed very serious, with his arms crossed over his chest and both eyes on mine.

"Scared? Of falling over and stabbing myself probably; I can't get the hang of this weight and—"

"Which part of the patterns do you have the most problems with?"

"The ones where I reach out, duh, I just said I have problems with the weight." Wow, he's pushy, but I don't know what he thinks he can tell me that I don't already know.

"It is not the weight you are struggling with; it is your mentality. You are not focusing on offense."

What?

Seeming to see that I was just confused by his weird statements, he reached out and took one of the other practice swords the crew had left. He spun it for a moment, presumably to get the feel of its weight before he drew quickly up in a cross motion to hold lengthwise across his chest, ready to protect his face and chest from attack.

"Any position you hold in defense, close to yourself, you have no true difficulties. But when you move to offensive positions" and he slashed the sword quickly out in an arc from his shoulders down before twisting it back up and out until the full extent of his arm was extended from his shoulder. "you don't lose the weight of the sword; you begin to pull it back into yourself."

I just stared at him. What.

He dropped his arm so that the sword was held by his side. "You need better control of the weight true, but you are holding yourself to defense and it is inhibiting any strikes out that you make."

"So what? The best offense is a strong defense. That's what all the sports guys say." Well how nice to have an answer for why I stink at this. I went to put the sword down in an empty barrel where the crew said they would retrieve it from later.

"You cannot truly become adept until you learn both defense and offence." General walked forward and tried to hand me the sword he had, but I skipped back and began to head to my room below deck.

"I don't really need to be adept at this. I'm really not planning to be in any more fights while I'm here."

General was walking besides me now, but at least he had put the sword away. "You cannot always plan when you need to defend yourself. You especially."

"Then just I'll defend myself." I'd done it plenty well so far without being a great swordswoman. Who needed swords?

"You are being very stubborn about this. Learning more ways to protect yourself can only be a gain, and sometimes you must strike first."

Why wouldn't he just drop this? "I don't want to learn to strike first! I'm fine with what I know now." We were below deck going into my room now, and I tried to angle into the door in a way that would keep General out so this unnecessary conversation would end, but he was quick and pushy. Somehow when the door was shut behind me, he was also in the room, still staring at me and not willing to let it go.

"You have a strange way of doing things, but I do not understand why you are so determined to refuse this. Now that you know the problem, you should be working to fix it. Instead you are giving up altogether."

"Look! I just don't think I need to learn more ways to stab at people ok? As long as I know how to protect myself, why do I need to know how to attack?"

"It helps to have well-rounded—"

"I don't need to know how to stab people! Do you know what happens to people when you stab them! They—"

And then I stopped short because I looked up and saw the surprised look on General's face and it was a little panicked too. Weird, why was he panicked?

And it was hard to breathe actually. And his face was kinda blurry.

And I was crying. Crying?

"It kills people. They die."

And nevermind General's panic, I was about to have a meltdown.

But I didn't, because someone was holding me tight, and keeping me together.

It was General. And for a minute, all I could think past my surprise was: Thank god this is one of those times he's wearing a shirt.

And then I was crying a little more. "I kill people."

General's arms were pretty tight around me, and I was all squished into his chest so I couldn't see if he was still confused or panicked, but he was here. He held on as my heart beat too fast and breathing remained a challenge. At least I wasn't sobbing loudly, but his shirt was definitely soaking up a lot of moisture from tears coming off of my face.

"You protect people." General said softly.

It was self-defense. They were all bad guys.

Dead is still dead. And I did it.

General…Ramses, I should probably use the man's name after I used him like a tissue for hours right? Ramses stayed with me for a few hours until my breathing and heartbeat evened out, and then I got him to leave by telling him I just wanted to sleep.

The whole time he had stayed, we didn't speak. He just held on to me, and it honestly probably helped me a lot more than I could say right now. But there were still some things to think about.

Because apparently it was months later, and I had never dealt with the fact that I was technically a killer now.

It was self-defense. And it wasn't a lot of people. And they were all bad and actively trying to hurt others.

But I'd still been the one to kill them.

The idea of bad people getting what was coming to them seemed so much nicer when I wasn't the one who did it.

I sighed. Currently I was all wrapped up in blankets on the bed in my room. There was food on the table and one candle lit, but I was pretty committed to being a burrito at the moment.

I hadn't thought this would bother me as much as it apparently was. Not to say that I was cold-blooded or anything, but I'd been learning ways to fight and how to protect myself from a young age. Dad built training camps in the backyard and had me fight my through them and then spar with him. The idea of fighting the bad guy and taking them out was not new to me. I'd even considered movies where I was a femme-fatale character; I just hadn't found a plot I liked yet.

But actually doing something and being prepared for the concept were very different things, and I was not handling that difference as well as I might like.

Jeez, why did Ramses have to push so much? If he hadn't then maybe I wouldn't have had this awesome epiphany.

I sighed again. It would have happened at some point. It was probably better that it happened sooner than later. Although, why it hadn't happened in the boring 3 weeks I spent recovering from my fever was anyone's guess. That would have been convenient time-wise. I hadn't had anything else to do then, and the issue was recent so it should have been a self-identity crisis at that time.

Ramses probably wouldn't have been so nice about it then.

Actually, I reject that idea. He was very calm while I was dissolving into a puddle. And he's made fun of me plenty for a lot of things, but never anything really serious.

But now was not really the time to be thinking about him, I was just trying to distract myself from the very big elephant in the room.

I had killed people. For good reasons, but they were still gone because of me. And despite all the logic of the situations pointing towards me having done the right things, it was still a hard reality.

Because I guess even if I'd always known I could and would defend myself, I probably hadn't thought I would ever need to. Despite how Dad raised me, and how vicious Hollywood could be, the most I had really thought I would need to do in life would be break a few noses and kick some balls in. I hadn't thought I'd have to…end life.

And besides archery, which was simple and easy to picture only ever using targets for, swordsmanship was the first fighting skill I'd tried to learn while I was here; and it was after the fighting. So the mental block against offense made sense.

Kinda funny how no one in Hattsua had noticed my actual issue with the sword. Maybe they weren't as good at their jobs as Ramses was at his.

Or they just weren't as interested in paying such close attention to me.

Ugh, stop thinking about General right now, I have other things to focus on.

But maybe it's helpful to think of a variety of things. Let it all flow so it doesn't get too heavy at once. Besides he was very comforting. Who knew?

And if he's been a general for a long time, then maybe he was a major or captain or something first while he's been in the army, so he's probably seen this freak-out from people before. So he probably knows good ways of dealing with it.

Now that prompted an idea of more people coming to Ramses and crying all over him, which was both amusing and depressing.

Life was weird. And dumb.

And that's what I told Ramses later the next day when he came to stand beside me at the railing on deck.

"Life is weird and dumb."

He didn't really answer that, but he was still looking at me. His concern was hidden, so I couldn't tell if he was just being calm to put me at ease, or if he was hiding panic that I was going to start crying on him again.

"I mean, I'm not even supposed to be here, and people think I'm some magic person, and I killed some people. And I know I wasn't…wrong. But saying I'm not wrong to have killed those people doesn't feel right, and I'm not sure it ever will, and I'll just have to live with that. And try not to let it bother me."

"You are not the first to have this feeling." He replied, very gently. Goodness I might really have to rethink how I saw the man. He was being so very understanding about this. Another thing that I probably should have seen a long time ago, was that he was good. Underneath.

"Did you let any of them cry all over you too?" I asked looking at him sidewise.

There was a slight scowl back, and he turned to face the water.

"Thank you. For everything though. Being there yesterday, and today." And because I was as committed as he seemed to be to not antagonize each other right now, I left out that I thought his panicked face was kinda funny. Because in hindsight, him freaking out over a girl crying was sort of adorable.

But I had decided to go up on deck because after a full night of going around it in my head, I needed fresh air and to think about something else.

I crossed my arms on the railing and leaned against it. "Which goddesses are they calling me again?"

He didn't answer for a moment and then, "Isis."

"Hm, tell me about her? Please?"

And after a moment he did.

We spent the rest of the trip back in cautious friendship. We didn't like, hang out a lot or anything, and we still occasionally picked at each other, but mostly we talked about random stories we knew from growing up. We talked a bit about each other as well. I told him more about my father and the places I'd visited on tours, and he told me more about growing up in Egypt with what sounds like a truly impressive number of sisters.

By the time we were back to Byblos (where the Hittite Royalty was still vacationing apparently. I didn't think we'd see them again until we were in Hattsua itself) Ramses and I were probably more in the general "friends" category instead of frenemies.

Which was good, because it's not like I had a lot of friends around here. But, if we got back to Hattsua and the well was filled then I could go home and things would be different.

And until then, I was going to try and keep busy and find things to do with myself. That way I wouldn't have time to be depressed or sad.

"You want to learn to read?" Ilvani raised an eyebrow at me. He was currently holding a stack of tablets and slowly going over all of them.

"Well yeah, I should know how don't you think? And hey! If you get someone who's a good tutor for me, then when Deriu is a bit older you'd already know someone who was proven to teach him too!"

Ilvani looked unimpressed for a moment. But then: "Once we are back in Hattsua I'm sure there is someone who can be found to help you."

Yay! Hah! What till I got back to the future with that cool new skill! And once I could read, just think of all the other things I could learn! Maybe they had trashy novels somewhere for me to read. And if they don't, I'll bet I could get someone to help put a few together.

I very carefully did Not consider Ramses when thinking about that particular unlikely silly project idea. We were closer now, but not that close. 1 small kiss and 1 comforting embrace were enough, thank you very much.