Breathe In Deep and Say Goodbye

[Jacob]

I launched myself into the woods. My heart beat fast; faster than normal anyway, and my mind raced as fast as my paws. Disjointed imaginings of my soon-to-be confrontation with Leah ran through my mind and I knew she could feel them. She waited silently, almost patiently, downstream.

I raced passed her without seeing her but I could hear her calling out. Jake! Jake, let's talk! But I ignored her for the time being. When Edward had hinted that I couldn't control my pack it had hit a nerve. No doubt my Alpha instincts were becoming more and more apparent that longer I stayed away from Sam's pack. A responsibility I didn't really want sat on my shoulders, twining its limbs around my head and neck.

This was in the middle of it all…this fighting against an instinct that had been ingrained in me since birth. But I hadn't acknowledged it until I'd thought Sam was making the wrong choices. And even then I had no desire to lead. But tons of emotions clouded my mind: anger, fear (of taking away someone's free will in a moment of heated pride), and betrayal, not of being betrayed but of betraying: someone whom I loved had been hurt by the words of someone who was in my control.

[Leah]

Jake! Jake, let's talk! He didn't answer outright but I could feel his boiling anger. This half-surprised me. Why was he that mad? I knew he wouldn't have wanted me to tell Bella all that, but it was the truth! How could he be mad at me for telling the truth? Never mind, stupid question. I could see the fragmented images that raced themselves around his brain. His emotions flooded my mind, overwhelming me: fear, anger, pain. It was so poignant I felt myself beginning to regret what I had done. I phased quickly, giving him some privacy to work out his problems.

I sat…and waited. I knew I would face Jacob at some point. But what would I say? I'd sooner kiss a bloodsucker than apologize for what I'd told her. It might have been a bit overdone but the message was what mattered. Bella had been ignorantly selfish for too long. Things had to change. So I'd told Bella that she had been hurting Jake. That he loved her and that she was breaking him by keeping him with her. There was no way she couldn't see that she had a hold over him. Was there?

But he had to stay with her…whether he wanted to or not. She kept him so close, a tightening noose around his neck, but couldn't love him the way he wanted. But he had to stay, or else he'd hurt her. He had to stay, or else he would be hurt. I slipped on the light shorts and tank top I carried with me and waited for him to come. I knew he would. And I thought that I was ready to face him.

I could hear his paws hitting the forest floor with muted thuds as he pelted back upstream. He stopped abruptly as he turned the bend just twenty feet ahead. My breath caught in my throat, and my heart hammered. I think that was the only time I have ever been afraid of Jake. Normally he was just stubborn and brooding, sometimes angry, sometimes sad. But this…this was different. Still in the form of a russet-red wolf, his eyes burned like smoldering coals. His muzzle was contorted in a snarl, teeth bared. I sucked in air as he padded past me; visibly restraining himself from tearing my head off. The tension in his body rolled off him in waves. I shivered. He disappeared into the trees again.

[Jacob]

I yanked on my pair of shorts and walked back out to where Leah stood, silent, by the stream. I made my way slowly toward her, forcing myself to breathe evenly, forcing myself to stay relatively calm. She stood perfectly still, looking down at the carpet of leaves on the forest floor. Her head snapped up when she heard me walking toward her, and I caught something in her face, her eyes, before they slipped into a forced expression of indifference. She'd looked…lost. Confused. Like she couldn't make up her mind about what she was feeling. God knows I can understand how that feels. And although I could sympathize, my anger remained, boiling under the surface.

[Leah]

He walked up to me, and the look in his eyes was enough to make me take a half step backward. His eyes were cold, his face dark. But with each step he took the fury seemed to recede, leaving fatigue in its wake. When he reached me, he seemed a hundred years older. He was still mad, there was no doubting that, but he seemed less likely to kill me now. "Jake, I –

He cut me off with a look that told me to shut the hell up. I ignored it. Trying to sound defiant, I said, "I won't apologize if that's what you want."

His eyes flashed, then dimmed. "I know." He sighed, and looked down, trying to compose himself. I let out a somewhat relieved breath. Looking back at me, he looked…almost disappointed. "Why'd you have to do that? Why would you hurt her?"

My anger at Bella flared. She'd blinded him so much he couldn't even see what she was doing to him. "Why would I hurt her?" I spat at him. "She's killing you by keeping you that close. She doesn't love you, and she knows it. But she's too weak and selfish to give you up like she should. You need to get over her, Jake." The look on his face made me falter. "Your attachment to her is gonna eat at you until you disappear." I finished in almost a whisper.

"What do you care if she hurts me? You hate me. The only reason you joined my pack was because you couldn't let Seth come alone." His voice was cold, callous.

That hurt. I'd had my reasons for leaving Sam's pack and, granted, one was because Seth was my little brother and I could just let him run off. But there were other reasons. Sure, I put on a nasty front, I guess, but in truth I didn't hate Jake, or any of the guys. He wasn't my best friend or anything; far from it. But I respected him, if grudgingly, and I thought he was a good person. Perhaps that was starting grounds for friendship. "I don't hate you." I took a breath. "I just don't think you should let her suck you dry. She will, you know, eventually. If you let her."

His eyes blazed. "You might not hate me, but you don't like me either. And why would I listen to you of all people?" He turned away.

"Sam wouldn't let anyone walk over him like that." It slipped out before I could stop it.

He rounded on me. "Sam? I don't give a damn what Sam would do! And if you think he's so much better than me, why don't you go back to him! God knows I never wanted to be an Alpha. Go back to Sam and keep making him feel guilty about leaving you. Keep making all of us listen in on your pity party every time we phase. Keep annoying the hell out of us with your obsession over someone who isn't even interested in you anymore!"

I stepped backward. That wasn't fair. It wasn't my fault that Sam had left me. It wasn't my fault that I thought about him when we phased. It wasn't my fault…it wasn't. "And what if I say I want to stay here?"

"Then I'm telling you to go back. Go back to Sam, because it's obvious you don't like it here." He turned and started walking away.

"So what are you gonna do, Jacob? Are you gonna make me? Are you gonna force me to rejoin Sam's pack? Take away my choice and tell me to leave?" My voice shook with anger.

Jacob jerked to a stop. He turned around. "No. You choose. I won't make you do anything. I will never take away someone's free will." He took a breath, and sat, staring ahead.

I walked warily toward him. "Then at least listen to me."

He didn't move.

"Say good-bye to Bella." He looked up sharply. "I mean it, Jake. Leave her. She has all those bloodsuckers to take care of her; she'll be fine. But if you stay there, she'll tear you to pieces. Even I can see what it costs you to stay with her. Everyone can see it. Everyone but her." He looked down again. I thought maybe I'd convinced him. Maybe he would listen to me for a change. "Let her go, Jacob."

"She's dying." He looked up at me. His defenses had left him. His face showed all the haunted pain that you feel when you know you've lost something precious. "That thing. It's killing her." He dropped his head in his hands. He didn't cry; that wasn't like him. He just sat there, silent.

That caught me off guard. I'd thought she'd looked pretty wretched. But with the vampire doc there I assumed everything would be fine.

Jacob hunched his shoulders and let out a shaky breath. "It's killing her and I can't do anything about it." He looked up at me. "I can't do anything but give her what she wants. She wants me to stay with her. How could I leave? She's dying." His breathing hitched. "I can't leave. Not now." He looked away. "I might've been able to before. Maybe. But – not now."

I realized he must have been bottling this up inside for a long time. He knew he had lost her to that Edward vamp months ago and it must have been eating at him ever since. Now he was losing her for good. I figured he'd forced himself to put it out of his mind when he'd phased so we wouldn't know; so he'd have to battle through it alone. I had been self-pitying enough to make everyone suffer my abandonment with me when I phased. I had been selfish enough to make everyone feel guilty about something that was beyond anyone's control. It wasn't Sam's fault, or anyone else's. I just couldn't let it go. And here I was, lecturing Jake, telling him to let Bella go – let the thing he loved most out of his grasp.

I knelt beside him. He looked up with a glare, ready to spit back whatever smartass comment I would most likely come up with. But I stopped him by laying a hand on his shoulder. He looked away, breathing unevenly; perhaps saving his tears for later when they were really needed. We sat there for a long time: him staring out past the trees focusing on nothing, my hand on his shoulder; silent, waiting. For what, I don't know. Maybe a miracle?

But eventually the light began to disappear, and the stars came out. Jacob's breathing had evened, and if his eyes weren't open I might've thought he was sleeping. I tentatively removed my hand. He looked up at me. "Thank you." He said.

"For what?"

"For not making some wiseass comment." He flashed a crooked grin.

I breathed out heavily, glad he was back to normal. Standing up, I smacked him on the shoulder, smirking. "No worries. You'll just get a double whammy next time."

He took a big breath and stood. "But really. Thank you." He looked at me seriously.

I smiled. "I told you I didn't hate you. I might even like you on occasions. But do you ever listen to me? No, of course not."

He chuckled. "I guess we should head back." He turned and grinned. "Race?"

"1, 2, 3, GO!" I shouted and leapt forward, phasing mid-jump. I laughed as I heard Jake's voice in my head as he phased and pelted after me. That's not fair, Leah!

Your point being?

He laughed and we streaked back towards the Cullen house. We felt the wind in our fur and the earth beneath our feet. The instinct to win ran deep in our blood and came to the forefront of our minds as we ran. And for a few moments, we were released from our demons.

For a few moments we were free.

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