When You Say You Love Me

Inspired by a gorgeous song called When You Say You Love Me by a wonderful singer named Josh Groban. Hope you like :)

(I don't own the characters - they are the creation of Annie Proulx. Not doing this for profit - just for fun ^^)

Ennis Del Mar lay on his front on his and Alma's bed, his arms wrapped loosely around the pillows and his head resting on top of them. It was almost 5pm, so the bedside clock said, and that meant that soon, Alma would be back with the girls after a tender day out with them. Ennis had regretted not going yet he knew that he had a good reason. Because for the majority of that morning, he spent his time on his knees in the bathroom, vomiting up the contents of his stomach and gasping as the breath was pummelled out of him by tortured and painful thoughts.

To start with, he had been completely taken by surprise by this sudden outburst. He hadn't been sick for months on end, maybe even a year, and he didn't think he'd eaten anything recently that would upset his diet so the shock came naturally. Nobody liked throwing up, he told himself as he doubled up in agony onto the cold tiled floor, but this seemed strangely worse than any time before. For he had an odd feeling that something was behind this all, trapped and screaming within his jumbled mind.

Yet, when the morning light had spilled through the misty window of the bathroom, memories had too come flooding back in, as if the day was the key to unlock at least some of his unknown secrets. Suddenly, he remembered the moment he had first seen Jack, so sure and confident of himself while standing beside his truck, and then he thought of their first night in the tent, scared and bewildered as they gasped and panted through rough drunken sex, then their second night and their fight soon after that, followed by the time they had to leave each other, then their passionate reunion on the steps of the house. The images were flashing uncontrollably into his mind, making him dizzier than ever and quickly, he found himself crying, hot tears of anger and anguish.

Jack had done this to him. He had made him this way and he hated him for it. But, did he? Of course he did. He'd gone up to Brokeback all those years ago, just looking for a job, and instead he'd found a crossroads between what he thought was right and what he thought was wrong. And since then, he found himself tossing and turning in the nights, increasingly frequent more recently, and wondering what it would be like if he had never known Jack. Would his life have been any easier? Would it have been better?

The obvious first answer he came up with was yes. He wouldn't have had to deal with all the confusion that had played nightmarishly around with him, nor the cascading choking waterfall of feelings crashing down upon his life, or the stress of being with another man. He had never ever thought he would end up like that when he was younger, not like Earl and Rich, but it just proved that nobody can ever declare anything for certain. As soon as Jack had entered his life, he felt as if a time bomb had been set off, constantly ticking and reminding him that the seconds were running out. He couldn't be with Jack because of the disapproving society that waited outside their doorsteps but he couldn't be away from Jack either because life didn't last forever and in the end, they'd never have spent enough days together.

So did that mean that the answer was actually no? As in Jack, he'd found someone he could not only be friends with, but something more. When he worked up on Brokeback, he had been a lively, entertaining companion for him and if he wasn't there, Ennis knew that he would have been very lonely. They had wound up in each other's arms just as easily as the sun rose in the morning and had kissed and touched, discovering things about one another that neither had even contemplated before. And, certainly, Ennis had learnt a lot about himself as well. At times, Jack had the wonderful ability to bring out the best in him and, optimistically, he thought that he could bring out the best in Jack too.

But of course they'd had their fights. Mainly due to the people that surrounded them and the sudden belief that things could never work between them in times like these, they would end up screaming at each other, receiving and delivering insults and accusations neither would ever forget, no matter how much they wanted to, and sometimes resulting in physical contact. At the end of the last big argument they'd had, Jack had ended up with such a bruise from Ennis's vicious punch that that area was sore, even now. Ennis had regretted that and knew he always will but it had been a spur of the moment thing. Jack had got too close and he'd reacted instinctively with violence. He now knew that was wrong. Jack had been trying to help.

He had had been all this time yet Ennis had always pushed him away, worrying constantly about who might be watching or the outcomes of what could happen. He had a habit of shutting himself up so tight nobody could get through and sometimes even he couldn't negotiate with himself. Stubbornness could be a blessing or a burden, he thought. But mostly a burden.

And now, as he lay on his bed, remembering the painful incidents of that morning, he wondered how on earth he and Jack had ended up at the place they were. After their first reunion 'fishing trip' had come to a rather depressing end, they had again parted ways, more openly reluctant than before, yet still agreed to meet up again later in the year for another vacation by themselves. Ennis had agreed and tried to go back to living his normal life with Alma, attempting to love her with all his heart but finding that something was missing. He knew what now yet would never admit it, despite it being truer than the earth he walked on.

And so, that August, Jack had again hitched a ride back to Wyoming and met Ennis outside the house in an almost perfect echo of their first reunion. They had tried not to kiss passionately this time though, knowing how violent they had got on the previous occasion, and instead, had made their way into the building, trembling with trying to contain their excitement and wanting to get away as fast as possible. Alma had greeted them with a surprisingly solemn look on her face and offered Jack coffee but she had been politely turned down. Ennis and Jack couldn't wait to get in the truck.

Yet, when they finally had, problems had immediately come up. It turned out that there was something dramatically wrong with Jack's car and it needed to be fixed immediately. Ennis didn't really understand it, being a ranch-hand rather than a mechanic, but knew that he and Jack weren't going to get that fishing trip as fast as they wanted it. Distraught, he had reluctantly agreed to hold it off for a bit while Jack got his truck mended down at the local garage. This was going to take a few days, apparently, so as a last choice, Jack had been offered to stay at Ennis's for that amount of time in the guest room.

Ennis knew he should have been grateful that him and Jack were together again yet there were obvious draw backs to having the cowboy sleep at his. For the first, they weren't going to get much alone time together, maybe not even any, and the desire for him on that first day was unbearable. All he'd wanted to do was spend the night in the tent with him on the mountain, reliving the moments of the wild occasion at the Siesta Motel a few months back and discover more, more and more about Jack. Yet, obviously, he couldn't do that now as Alma was there and so were the kids and he had to continue his life with them like nothing was out of the ordinary. All with Jack watching with those beautiful, big blue eyes of his.

How on earth was he going to be able to survive like this?

It had been extremely hard but at last, it was paying off. Jack had gone to get his car from the garage earlier that afternoon and the next morning, they were setting off on their so far ill-fated fishing trip. Alma had just nodded when she heard, seeming a bit quieter than usual, but hadn't said anything else about it. She had been a little beside herself for the past few days, well, ever since Jack had started staying really, but Ennis hadn't tried to be too put off by it. She got like this sometimes and he should have been used to that by now.

Yet, as he continued to stare at his bedroom wall, clutching the pillows to his chest, he could feel all too familiar doubts beginning to pour into his head. Ever since he'd been together with Jack, he would sometimes feel like everyone was staring at him when he went outside, as if they knew he was with another man, like he suddenly looked different because of it. He knew that was crazy but he couldn't help himself. Paranoia would creep through his veins and in the end, he couldn't look anyone else in the eye, feeling a strange sense of them being able to stare right into his worrying brain and agitated soul.

So...did Alma know about them? He hadn't really contemplated this question before, thinking that it was completely absurd, despite all the other unrestrained things he'd thought. But now he mulled over it, he realised that this scared him more than he'd prepared for. What if she did know? And even if she didn't know for sure, she might still have been suspicious. After all, they had seemed pretty hurried to get away on both of their reunions and Ennis had seemed a bit over eager to meet Jack again.

But no, she couldn't possibly think that about them. Ennis bet she'd never contemplated two guys being together in her whole life, let alone her husband and his 'fishing buddy'. And he'd never said or done anything that would spark her suspicions, apart from his keenness to meet Jack again. Yet that was forgivable. They hadn't seen each other in four years, Alma had to understand that, and friends would be avid after that long a time. She knew that, didn't she? Yes, of course she did. But...

What if she'd seen them kissing out on the steps when they had been reunited for the first time? No, that couldn't have happened. She was cleaning the last of the lunch away when Jack had arrived, luckily preoccupied for the time being. Or was she? Yes, of course she was. He was just being paranoid. Alma couldn't possibly have known about them being together.

He had to keep telling himself that, over and over again, as he heard the front door open and footsteps echo through the house, suddenly seeming much louder than usual. Thinking it must have been Alma and the girls, he rubbed at his swollen eyes and sat up a little, not wanting them to know how confused he had become while they were gone. But, as the seconds went on, he didn't hear any excitable voices floating through the hall or his wife's tired words telling them to calm down. Instead, the footsteps kept coming down the corridor outside until they stopped by the door, making him look up in curiosity.

'' Hello?'' he called gruffly when there was a pleasant knock. '' Come in.''

TBC